Just another MN cynic or are these red flags?

[Strawberryblondereally]

NC’d. Divorced 2 years ago and have been dating with various success. Met my DP 10 weeks ago and have been overwhelmed by my feelings....He has been everything I could have hoped for. We have seen each other most days since meeting initially if even just for a coffee during lunch, the sex is the best I’ve ever had, we have so much in common and he makes me smile so much....

I’m a MN veteran and have read about narcissists and the like over the years so am quite attuned to the signs....I haven’t wanted my DP to meet my DC yet as I thought it a bit early but he was very keen from the off. He has DC too. It was my DC bday and I’d mentioned in passing to him that I’d forgotten to pick her up cupcakes and an hour later he turned up at my house unannounced and delivered 48 Lola’s cupcakes. My DC opened the door to him....it was all quite awkward and I didn’t know what to do....now I know this was a generous act but I stressed that I didn’t want him meeting my DC yet and he just totally ignored it....when I confronted him later about it he accused me of being shut off as a result of my marriage breakdown....I’m not at all and my marriage ended amicably....

I’ve spoken to friends and they say he has red flags everywhere which I’ve probably just ignored to be frank....he’s lavished me with expensive gifts, taken me to fancy restaurants, holidays etc all in 10 weeks which I thought was just generosity but my friends think is alarming....he’s also talking about us living together and getting married this year which sounds ridiculously soon to me but each time I say that he gets really upset and accuses me of not loving him....

Am I being cynical here? Might this guy just be a gudun and I’m allowing my paranoia to creep in?

it’s the fact he came to my home when my DC were there, he knows how I feel about that

...and yet, here you are, forgiving him because he tells you what you want to hear.

There are none so blind as those who will not see. The most deluded people are those who choose to ignore what they already know

I really hope you are reading all the responses OP. EVERYONE is telling you the same thing:

10 weeks - he is not your DP
10 weeks - telling you he loves you when you barely know each other
Lovebombing you so early in the relationship - red flags
Spending a lot of money on you, wining/ dining/ flowers/holidays/gifts sent to your office - red flags
Saying he wants to meet your children after 10 weeks - huge red flags
Saying he wants you to marry this year - massive red flags
Turning up with £150 worth of cup cakes and forcing a meeting with your DC - mile high red flags.

He pushes and pushes - you push a little - he blames you - you back off - he goes back to OTT pushing - you push back a bit harder - he cries and promises to change. At this point you should dump him but instead, despite all the advice on here and from your friends, you will back off - he will push harder until he has you exactly where he wants you - under his complete control - you and your children. Think about that.

Why do you think he has backed off? I will tell you, he doesn't want to waste the time and money he has invested in you. He knows you will back off and eventually he will trap you. Job done.

Wake up!

OP, I know its really hard when everyone is screaming at you to dump him right now, this instant, and he is pressuring you to forgive him right now, this instant. It can make it very difficult to think about what you want, and you feel railroaded into a) taking him back and b) not telling anyone that this is what you've done.

Why don't you take a week or so to think calmly, reflect on the relationship and look at things objectively? Tell your boyfriend that you want him to leave you alone completely for a week - no calls, texts, messages, flowers, nothing. At the end of that time, you will contact him.

This will give you breathing space and also give you a chance to see if he can respect your boundaries. And you know what? You don't have to contact him at the end of the seven days. If you decide that you don't want to see him again, or want more time that is your call.

(my prediction is that he will not be able to respect your boundary - the last thing he wants is for you to have time to think. I bet he will find a way round your boundary - he will message you with something he "just thought you'd want to see, no need to reply" or find a channel of communication that you didn't specifically forbid and pretend that he thought that would be OK. But this will give you valuable information about what he is really like)

Hi OP. Men who love bomb like this usually have an alterior motive for wanting things to move quickly. Basically they want to hook you before you get the chance to find out what they are really like, then there is less chance you will dump them. They know that once they have met the kids (and believe me he will try to be a Disney step-dad), it will also be harder to end things.
I met someone on OLD last year and he did exactly the same, saying he loved me right at the start, we had a special connection. He also pushed to meet my kids early on. He turned out to be an alcoholic who needed someone to live with a leech from.
You seem reluctant to take advice, and I do understand that you have clearly fallen for him and don't want to give that up. If you insist on carrying on, PLEASE be very wary of him. Do NOT let him meet your kids until at the very least 6 months.

I haven’t wanted my DP to meet my DC yet as I thought it a bit early but he was very keen from the off

That would set my alarm bells ringing straight away & the rest is insane to top it all off.

80 days in

Run.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

The red flags are flapping so loudly in the wind that they’re deafening. He sounds like a creep.

Run for the hills
You’re not over cautious, you are under cautious!

10 weeks!
10 fucking weeks!
You're mad. Honestly. Going on holidays and seeing him daily and all the rest. It's way too much. He just wants to be part of a family? Neenaw neenaw!

OP I agree with everyone else here. You know yourself his behaviour is not right. It’s all way too much way too soon and disrespecting your boundaries in such a blatant way is outrageous. He is very controlling. You need to stop now before you get more embroiled. This man will totally take over your life and it won’t take long by the sounds of it. He sounds creepy and awful

I dont want to scare you OP but continuing a relationship with this man will end in one of 2 ways:

At best this guy will destroy your self esteem, ruin your relationship with everyone around you, steal from you, isolate you and cheat on you.

At worst he could stalk you, harrass you and your family, try and get you fired from your job, abuse your children, rape you, become physically violent and even kill you

2 women a week are killed by a partner or ex partner in the UK

What you have in common with these women is that their relationship started off just like this OP

You are playing with fire!

I agree with FineWordsForAPorcupine

This has been mentioned already a few times but

OP WATCH DIRTY JOHN ON NETFLIX.

These excuses he's coming out with are lies and manipulation. The red flags are there. He is not a good person. End it for your sake and your kids.

I’ve met up with him and told him I need more time to think....I want some time to assess what is really going on here....I asked him to prove some of the stuff he was saying (DC, divorced 4 years ago etc.) and the emails stack up in his favour.... he’s admitted he doesn’t have the best relationship with his DC - he left his wife and they took it very badly but he was upfront about this when we first met....he does have contact with them though.

I don’t think he’s an abuser...but I do think he’s damaged, from what I don’t know.....his childhood maybe or relationships because you’re all right his behaviour is not normal and is showing something deeper.....I’ve told him to fuck off with the constant floral deliveries, the gifts and the messages because contrary to popular belief on here I live very comfortably with just my salary and don’t need a man funding a lavish lifestyle....

And you’re right posters - it’s not love at this moment, I have strong feelings of lust but I don’t know him well enough to love him....I’ve told him that today.....I asked him for some info on his exes and he was quite closed about it and said he didn’t want to disrespect them.....I told him that has got my back up and that I’d like to know why the last gf threw him out...::I told him when he’s ready to talk about it I’d be willing to listen...::I then got up and left....

Less teary now that I feel in control of the situation....it’s a head fuck

I told him when he’s ready to talk about it I’d be willing to listen

You've left the door well and truly open OP and you will not be getting rid of this man any time soon.

What you seem to be doing is trying to work out why he is the way he is

1. not your problem

1. you can't rely on him to tell you the truth anyway since you don't know him

actions speak louder than words. Look at his actions.

I don’t think he’s an abuser

why?

Ah well, as predicted. Good luck, you'll need it.

Seriously?? Ffs 🤦‍♀️

Why did you instead not tell him this is no longer working for you and that this between you and he should now be at an end?.

So with this extra time he may or infact may not give you to decide, what are you going to do?. I think he will try and tread all over your boundaries again or at the very least continue to ride rough shod through them. And others are right, your boundaries are still pretty much shot.

re your comment:-
"he said the cupcakes were on offer in Selfridges and he was just going to buy a few tubs of Ben and Jerry’s but knew I’d forgotten cupcakes so decided to go for them....."

He is a big fake and you tangle with him at all at your emotional peril. You cannot and must not ignore or minimise the red flags here.

BTW I have bought some of those very cupcakes from that concession in Selfridges and they rarely if infact ever have them on any sort of special offer. They also do not sell Ben and Jerrys ice cream in their food hall.

Accused you. Those are strong words. Was it really an accusation or a mild suggestion? He is allowed to have an opinion.

If it was an accusation then dump and run. Otherwise see how it goes.

And you say you're a MN veteran?? No way you'd be letting him get away with this shot and totally suck you in if you've read more than a handful of this type of post. I've only been here just over a year and can see straight through his shit.

@Strawberryblondereally you have no idea what you're doing. Reading your posts is like hearing a 15 yo talk about relationships.

Hes seen you coming and literally everything you've said to him is an open invitation for him to get his hooks into you.

You dont think hes an abuser, just damaged by his childhood? You do know that they dont come with ABUSER stamped on their forehead right? You do know that EVERY ABUSIVE PERSON has exactly this fucking back story right?

How much redder do the flags have to be?

Your poor friends, what a car crash they are witnessing with you insisting it's all fine. Jesus wept

So why have you decided against the advice here to ask him to - at the very least - give you time and space and stay away for a set period and not try to contact you at all in that time?
Why in the name of everything that is safe and right are you trying to “understand” him?

I bet he was in total control over which emails he showed you? Just because he has told some truths about his past doesnt negate all of the other stuff you have listed. Why would he be disrespecting his exes by telling you why the relationships ended?

I second the question how do you know hes not abusive? As PP's said earlier, love bombing IS abuse.

They all pretend it's their horrible childhood, abusive past, horrible exes etc. Its a dangerous path to start trying to 'fix' him and figure it all out. Hes grooming you to accept his unreasonable behaviour by always having an excuse for it.

There is no excuse for someone repeatedly stepping over all of your boundaries. I can almost guarantee you will start to see the real him in a few weeks as you have now proven to him you are the perfect victim by calling him out on his bullshit and believing his excuses and still staying.

He'll be nice just to play it safe for a while, but then you will see his true colours (he will probably have an angry overtop outburst where his narcissistic rage comes out in all its ugliness). I just hope you are not so enmeshed by that point that you see sense and leave.

I'm sorry OP, you are walking with your eyes closed into a living nightmare.

OP I'm wondering whether you're with my ex actually. he did the same, and I did fall for it. He also inveigled his way into my life and my children's. Gave them a laptop even. Constant flowers, cards, messages for me. Phoning all the time. Wanting to see me all the time. Planning marriage, trips, even trying to come on a family holiday with me 5 months after meeting.

He also ignored all of my boundaries, telling me I was being hard or unemotional or cold if I didn't agree - to seeing him all the time, to telling him all about my relationships, to crying in front of him. He even wanted to spend the time in the bathroom with me in the morning. Trust me, this got worse. After the love-bombing (when I believed I was in love with him) he got more extreme wtih the control - sex, drink (he would deliberately get me drunk), and discards. It was a complete headfuck.

In normal relationships, there isn't lovebombing. There aren't love declarations within 3 weeks, there isn't constant messaging.

Listen to your friends - they can see what he's like because he isn't lovebombing them, he isn't having sex wtih them. I wish I'd listened to mine. And I certainly wish I hadn't involved my children so early on.

Oh and my ex lied through his teeth about his divorce, the exes etc. His children wouldn't speak to him either. He sounds very similar.

I don’t think he’s an abuser...but I do think he’s damaged, from what I don’t know

Oh yeah. They’re all damaged OP (usually by childhood or ex’s) Funny how so many of them are