Just another MN cynic or are these red flags?

[Strawberryblondereally]

NC’d. Divorced 2 years ago and have been dating with various success. Met my DP 10 weeks ago and have been overwhelmed by my feelings....He has been everything I could have hoped for. We have seen each other most days since meeting initially if even just for a coffee during lunch, the sex is the best I’ve ever had, we have so much in common and he makes me smile so much....

I’m a MN veteran and have read about narcissists and the like over the years so am quite attuned to the signs....I haven’t wanted my DP to meet my DC yet as I thought it a bit early but he was very keen from the off. He has DC too. It was my DC bday and I’d mentioned in passing to him that I’d forgotten to pick her up cupcakes and an hour later he turned up at my house unannounced and delivered 48 Lola’s cupcakes. My DC opened the door to him....it was all quite awkward and I didn’t know what to do....now I know this was a generous act but I stressed that I didn’t want him meeting my DC yet and he just totally ignored it....when I confronted him later about it he accused me of being shut off as a result of my marriage breakdown....I’m not at all and my marriage ended amicably....

I’ve spoken to friends and they say he has red flags everywhere which I’ve probably just ignored to be frank....he’s lavished me with expensive gifts, taken me to fancy restaurants, holidays etc all in 10 weeks which I thought was just generosity but my friends think is alarming....he’s also talking about us living together and getting married this year which sounds ridiculously soon to me but each time I say that he gets really upset and accuses me of not loving him....

Am I being cynical here? Might this guy just be a gudun and I’m allowing my paranoia to creep in?

He might not be a narc but he is definitely love-bombing you an ignoring your boundaries. Some men do this for non-Narc reasons too, largely deep insecurity and a chronically anxious attachment style.

P.S some of the most violent and aggressive narcs I have been with started off saying how they would love to go on holidays with my DC and went out of their way to show what a great 'father figure' they would be. They know this is very attractive to single mothers which is why they do it. I also found it novel at the time and lived to regret it.

They have all pushed for a serious relationship and talked about moving in and marriage within a few weeks. This is now my biggest red flag to RUN from any relationship. Saying you dont love him for not wanting these things straight away is classic abusive behaviour.

Please please dont risk it by seeing him one more time and dont waste your breath telling him why you are ending it as he will just talk you round. These guys are excellent manipulators and if you already have feelings you will find it hard to resist.

Block and delete and you'll see his true colours. Do Claire's law now (you cant do it if you are not in a relatiinship) so you know what you are up against. I bet he has a history of harrassment and violence.

It is quite alarming OP.

10 weeks in and because you want to take some time before you get married, he accuses you of not loving him?

10 weeks in and he wants to meet your kids? Wtf?

I'd want to wait at least 12 months before I introduced someone new to my kids. Give yourselves time to know each other a bit.

But he's completely disregarded your wishes, disrespected your boundaries and even love bombs you when you're at work. It's disturbing.

You could ask him to tone it down, I guess. But the fact he feels the need to do it in the first place is worrying. The reason you posted is because you know it's not right deep down.

It'll be hard because you're attached to him... but you really walking into some dangerous territory here.

Gifts here there and everywhere, holidays, 24/7 contact, cupcakes, turning up unannounced, wants to move in, whining about you not loving him...

RUN, run as fast as you can.

He's clingy and as others have said, is love bombing you.
He's waving his red flag in your face & you can't see it!

Yes I have been concerned because it has been very fast and I am overly cautious when it comes to men because of the things I’ve witnessed on MN....I spoke to him over the phone last night and said I really wasn’t happy and had major concerns....he broke down and said he realised he’d made a huge error in judgement with my kids....he didn’t think they’d answer and he could just deliver the cupcakes and run....I said that regardless it was a careless thing to do and as for blaming me he said he was just being defensive but takes full responsibility.....he said the cupcakes were on offer in Selfridges and he was just going to buy a few tubs of Ben and Jerry’s but knew I’d forgotten cupcakes so decided to go for them.....

I asked him some questions about his exes last night and the last relationship ended quite badly by the looks of it which may explain this neediness? He said he just wants to be part of a family....wants to fee part of something bigger.....his DC are scattered across the world so he doesn’t get to see them much....but my kids aren’t his nor will they ever be....

He said he realises that he’s been way over the top with it all and he allowed his romantic notions to take over....he said he doesn’t want to marry me anytime soon because we need to get to know one another properly....is keen to properly meet my DC when the time is right and is willing to be patient....He seems to have understood his mistakes.....this is a good sign isn’t it? Don’t narcs have no awareness of their bad actions?

I’m child free this afternoon and he asked if we could go for a late lunch, id like to see him even if only to say take care so have agreed.....I’ll be telling him no more fucking presents....my house looks like a fucking florist and I don’t like the expensive jewellery so early on....all too much.....

He does have so many good points....so many and would hate to throw away something primarily good because he’s made some bad errors in judgement....

And ps - I’ve gained around a fucking stone from eating all of these cupcakes!

You’re so desperate to be in a relationship you’re ignoring everyone and everything.

Good luck. Don’t let him near your kids unsupervised though, ever - seriously.

Personally I'd still be wary. It sounds like he's just saying everything you want to hear to keep you.

Love bombing didn't work
Turning it back on you didn't work
Now he's sorry and acting the victim, making you feel sorry for him and you're falling for it.
This is just another tactic. He is not a good man.
You CANT love someone after a few weeks
You CANT know he'd be great with your kids.
He's not your partner and not your family.

Seriously, you need to end it.

Have you tried the Freedom Program?

Lola cupcakes are £3.50 each.
48 of them = £168.
He just picked them up in Selfridges because he was passing?
Unless he's some multi-millionaire. and £168 is equivalent to a tenner for the rest of us, this is weird.

Even if they were 'on offer', it's still ridiculous.

Don't be surprised at our cynicism on here.
Suddenly he's saying everything you want to hear.
By all means - carry on seeing him, but be aware...

It's so hard to be objective when all mumsnetters just get a snapshot of your life. I don't know what's going on, it all seems a bit full on and I'm sure a lot of us have been full on in the past at times to.

He shouldn't have turned up. Could have been a stupid misjudgement and he shouldn't have said the things he did.

Remember. Just because he wants to move the relationship at 100mph doesn't mean you have to. You have a choice about how quickly you want to move. You have the right to tell him things are moving to fast and you want to slow down, this isn't a rejection. You can reduce the amount of time you spend together, see how he handles that and reset.

Regardless of all these signs he's exhibited, we all need to be on the lookout for behaviours that don't feel right. Take your time, a persons mask generally slips eventually.

We all need to be aware of the things people say and do and we all need to be on the lookout for what a person says and doesn't do.

I can't tell you if he's a narcissist or not, he has been full on. You will get a lot of biased opinions on this board because a lot of people have been hurt and they will jump to the worst case scenario.

It's either call it a day or try and reset and give him a chance. My partner probably should have dumped me a long time ago and I'd also liked to think have changed and grown.

I have been very jealous and insecure at the start of relationships (actually it usually happens a few months in) if my partner came on here all those ears ago she would have been faced with leave the bastard comments. I have no major jealousy or insecurity issues, they passed early on. People can change and aren't all bad.

If you want to continue, move at your own pace and see how he respects that, I'm not saying be cold and emotionally distant, just slow it down.

Educate yourself with the millions of posts regarding abuse and the little things people do that you can look out for. This applies to your new fella and any new fellas along the way.

He seems to have understood his mistakes.....this is a good sign isn’t it? Don’t narcs have no awareness of their bad actions?

Master manipulators?

@WhiteDust So when someone realises they are wrong and apologises, it's now classed as manipulation.

Men and women can be dicks. Sometimes until you point out dickish behaviours people are completely unaware. If a person is willing to accept something and make an effort to be better, isn't that what we should be looking out for. The ability to accept something that might not be the best part of their personality and want to change. Wanting to aand trying to change are key factors.

Something made you post on here, you realised deep down that his behaviour is off. When I met my XH, he also showered me with really expensive jewellery, flowers and gifts. He even turned down a once in a lifetime offer overseas within a few weeks of meeting me - which involved him turning up at my workplace with the job offer ripped up to show me how much he cared. It all sounds very similar.

I made the terrible mistake of marrying him. The mask slipped and he showed the real him: controlling, financially abusive, verbally abusive, and eventually physically abusive. All whilst appearing entirely charming in public and still buying me expensive jewellery and sending flowers, especially to my workplace so everyone could see just how wonderful he was.

Please listen to the other posters, and dont be me.

You are not "overly cautious" about men. There's something not right with his ott behaviour and intensity.

He said he just wants to be part of a family....wants to fee part of something bigger.....
I find that highly alarming, not reassuring.

he gets really upset and accuses me of not loving him...

After 10 weeks?! Run. Listen to your friends. If he's this much hard work, imagine his sulks and trying to get rid of him if he gets a foot in the door.

Plus, if he's using emotional blackmail on you now, he'll have no qualms about using it on your kids.

Ah so now he’s the victim. It’s all about him and how sad he is.

So predictable. Sorry OP. People make mistakes, it’s true but normal people don’t make mistakes this calculating and precise. Normal people don’t make mistakes like this.

based on your comments I think the chances of you ending it today/anytime soon are pretty slim but if you're meeting him today I do think you need to put some really firm boundaries in place - so that in another few weeks you can look at whether he respected you enough to respect those boundaries...

it's all a bit OTT for me, and if I'm being honest sounds quite "immature" - gifts to workplace, etc would horrify me as it comes across as putting a mark of ownership on you. inserting himself into your family life when you'd explicitly said no is the biggest concern though, and as someone else pointed out we live in a world where messaging, etc makes it v easy to avoid that kind of situation.

good luck!

You seem desperate to keep this relationship regardless of the number of red flags.

I do not necessarily believe his (really belated) apology. His first instinct was to gaslight you and only when it was clear that you weren't backing down did he tell you "exactly" what you wanted to here. He has also told you stuff about his relationships that make him the victim and "explain" his OTT, boundary hopping and gaslighting behaviour - all manipulators do this and it seems to work with you as you have dropped your boundaries to go and meet him today.

MrMagooo
Depends on the context.

Why not just ask him for 1 week non contact to "sort your head". If he objects in any way including trying to make you feel guilty, or in anyway tries to contact you, or massively love bombs you at the end of a week non contact - then he will have shown you clearly exactly who he is.
But dumping him would be better.

Ah so now he’s the victim. It’s all about him and how sad he is.

This 😳

What Cat said with bells on. I was once like you OP, eternally optimistic about people, gave so many second chances because they appeared remorseful (only when I had spelled it out to them that what they had done was unacceptable and they had to pretend to understand this to keep me in the relationship).

I have had many bad relationships with narcissists. This hasnt made me bitter, this has made me learn the pattern and I'm now so grateful for these lessons as never again will I tolerate the behaviour you are describing. I can almost guarantee this guy is a narcissist just from what you have said. You may not be ready to accept this and I fear you will find out the hard way like many of us on here.

The fact that his past relationships ended badly and that he is now excusing his behaviour because of this is a HUGE red flag. Narcissists always say their exes were crazy, mean, cheated on them, were unreasonable, took their kids away and they will not accept their responsibility in any of this (most healthy people can reflect on the part they played in any relationship). This serves 2 purposes. 1. he gains your sympathy and you begin excusing his over the top creepy behaviour because he has been hurt in the past. 2. You will never seek out the truth from his past and always see him as the victim and even come to defend him when you hear the truth (you become his flying monkey).

When you say he broke down, do you mean he cried? Classic narc tactic to get you to feel sorry for him and stop asking questions. You have basically told him exactly what to say to you to keep you where he wants you.

Most narcs do have good points (in the beginning). Its how they get you hooked and you spend the rest of the relationship chasing this nice bit which is gradually replaced by gas lighting (hes already started this on you), put downs, silent treatment, isolating you.

For those who haven't been in these relationships, it may seem like he has apologised and is sincerely sorry. For those who have, we know how this story plays out and are warning you because it is so so obvious to us just from the little you have written.

If you continue to see him OP, please keep him away from your DC and dont tell him anything too personal that he can use against you at a later date.

No matter what I can tell you about how he is displaying behaviour typical of abusive men, the biggest advice I can give is trust that niggling feeling in the pit of your stomach which is telling you this isn't right. This is your gut instinct and it is never wrong. Pretty much all of us who have been in these relationships have had this feeling and ignored it at our peril.

Life will keep teaching you the same lesson over and over until you learn from it.