Just another MN cynic or are these red flags?

[Strawberryblondereally]

NC’d. Divorced 2 years ago and have been dating with various success. Met my DP 10 weeks ago and have been overwhelmed by my feelings....He has been everything I could have hoped for. We have seen each other most days since meeting initially if even just for a coffee during lunch, the sex is the best I’ve ever had, we have so much in common and he makes me smile so much....

I’m a MN veteran and have read about narcissists and the like over the years so am quite attuned to the signs....I haven’t wanted my DP to meet my DC yet as I thought it a bit early but he was very keen from the off. He has DC too. It was my DC bday and I’d mentioned in passing to him that I’d forgotten to pick her up cupcakes and an hour later he turned up at my house unannounced and delivered 48 Lola’s cupcakes. My DC opened the door to him....it was all quite awkward and I didn’t know what to do....now I know this was a generous act but I stressed that I didn’t want him meeting my DC yet and he just totally ignored it....when I confronted him later about it he accused me of being shut off as a result of my marriage breakdown....I’m not at all and my marriage ended amicably....

I’ve spoken to friends and they say he has red flags everywhere which I’ve probably just ignored to be frank....he’s lavished me with expensive gifts, taken me to fancy restaurants, holidays etc all in 10 weeks which I thought was just generosity but my friends think is alarming....he’s also talking about us living together and getting married this year which sounds ridiculously soon to me but each time I say that he gets really upset and accuses me of not loving him....

Am I being cynical here? Might this guy just be a gudun and I’m allowing my paranoia to creep in?

"Nobody is this thick surely?"

It's comments like this which will stop OP coming back if she needs advice later on. I hope not.

So they broke up because he didn't want anymore children huh?
So why was he eager to meet your kids and telling you he wanted to be part of a family/something bigger?

Sorry OP.
You want this so bad you're willing to find ways around the red flags. I think you're going to learn the hard way.
I would advise you to keep a diary and keep notes, because once that hypnotic trance he's pulling you into has worn off you will see what we're all seeing - and we've never met him.

"I would advise you to keep a diary and keep notes, because once that hypnotic trance he's pulling you into has worn off you will see what we're all seeing - and we've never met him."

Yes, totally agree with this. Keep a list somewhere private like inside of your email account, perhaps starting with the list of red flags that someone posted earlier in this thread. This is so important.

I was in an abusive relationship. One day I sat down and wrote out all the transgressions and boundary breaking that had gone on. When I saw each thing listed out I was horrified that I had let it go on.

If you don't write them down you will forget things and excuse things in your head.

Hello, I fell pregnant at a very early stage of dating. Everything was hugely rushed and as a result I got head deep with someone I did not know. If he can't slow down and respect your boundaries then it can't result in a healthy relationship. I'm telling you from experience don't get too deep too soon. It's harder to pull away once your invested. Listen to your friends that was my mistake.

I think you lot are amazing with what you are trying to do and how much effort you are putting in to save the OP. (OP who seems to take every word he utters at face value?)

My question is this, what exactly and precisely should she be doing now to get herself out of this situation safely with as little danger to herself and the children as possible? Could someone spell out the ideal next step for her please? I think she is trying to be sensible but maybe not sure how to test out your advice and sabotaged by her belief in every word he says..

Why are you evening calling someone you know 10 weeks a partner

The OP has listened to PP interpretations of events- she met with him, challenged him and his responses then led her to put space between them and take a week out with no contact so she can assess her feelings and the situations.

That’s significant progress for anyone in the grip of a fabulous relationship (as she sees it).

The week is nearly up - how has it been OP? How do you feel?

I doubt the week apart happened.

He’s not your partner- he’s a boyfriend of less than three months. This is way too much too soon. The time to split is now, before you find yourself and your DC stuck in a controlling relationship.

How are you op. I've read whole thread and yes I am the victim of a horrible ex too....

When in the grips of love" people can't switch off their emotions abruptly. The OP needs to back-off on a phase way. Suddenly taking a week off is unlikely to cause her to reach a conclusion to run, instead the short absence is going to make the heart grow fonder.

OP, keep your eyes open, reinforce your boundaries and slowly back away.

Also, I don't understand what you mean when you say you felt hurt that he disrespected your boundaries. Why hurt? Why not angry? I just found the response of feeling hurt rather interesting and suggest you are not often resolute in enforcing your boundaries.

This video on how to recognise whether you are being an enabler to narcissistic abuse is really good.

If you identify with any of it then you really need to take some time out of dating and use that energy to focus on healing yourself.

We could bang on to the OP all day about how to see the signs of abuse but the only way to protect yourself is to have strong boundaries and follow through when someone over steps them. You have to learn to trust yourself and your own feelings and not the ones that have you have been conditioned to feel (i.e. how the narcissist wants you to feel). They convince you to overlook things you know deep down are not right.

OP how about checking out who he says he is by hiring a Private Investigator? I would imagine even a week of that would reveal some shady goings on... And does he know you use Mumsnet? Please please be careful he's just too good to be true x

It was helpful to have some time alone to gain some perspective....it was moving too fast - I was whisked off my feet and lost a bit of sense in the process....he had been very respectful of the space and we’ve met up and had coffee...I’ve vocalised my concerns and told him if we were to proceed we need to slow things down dramatically....I won’t put up with anymore boundary crossing or over the top gifts....

I’ve agreed to see how things go....no more commuting in or lunchtime meets....just some dates when I’m able to....

@Strawberryblondereally

I hope you will come back here if you want to talk over any other concerns in the future about his behaviour. Ignore the people who seemed frustrated/annoyed you weren't leaving him. You have to do what feels right for you. Good luck. Proceed with caution!