Ex refusing to bring home the kids-hand hold needed

[greyrockblock]

My abusive exH had the kids for after school contact today and has refused to bring them back accusing me of abusing them. There's a court order in place and I have residency. I'm waiting for the police to get back to me. The eldest has high school tests tomorrow and the younger one will be really upset. The eldest has been very challenging lately telling lots of lies, disrespectful, lots of attitude and I'm at my wits end with her. Her reason for her behaviour is "things at dad's" but the courts and social services aren't interested. She has to go to contact.
I don't have much faith in the police to be honest and just want the children home.

He rarely does. For example returning one dd but not the other but worried enough to call the police. He claims he was holding on to them until he'd received advice as to what to do but seeing as dd2 was returned with the expectation I'd collect from school 10 hours before they were seen by the police then that doesn't add up does it. Having dd full time would be impossible for him due to where he lives and all the other kids in that house.

Let's hope both he and DD1 learn their lessons. Little compensation for you, I know.

He’s just trying to show you that he’s still in control of your life. Maybe you should call his bluff. Tell him that if she continues to make allegations against you that you’ll have to speak to SS about her being housed permanently with him and him doing all of the school runs/weekend/SS assessments etc. You hope that he’ll be able to adjust his work hours to accommodate all of the extra care/appointments she’s going to need.

@greyrockblock I think you need to text your ex and tell him straight that if DD accuses you again she will be going to live with him because he knows full well you wouldn't hurt her but decided to go along with it!

You also need to ask DD why she is feeling so hurt by you for her to make something up like this and record it on your phone!!

Let her know if she makes it up again your dad doesn't have room for her and SS won't let her stay with you !! She wont of realised that she could end up in care for it.

• her dad

Yep, she has said I'm making her life miserable (rules are a bitch eh?) and she wants him to come and pick her up. He's at work but has said no anyway. She's told loads of lies since she came back and said it was all him with the police, that the police woman lied, basically everyone is lying about it. Ex is changing the story and sequence of events to fit why he's breached the order.

@greyrockblock 🤦🏻‍♀️ really feel for you hun 💐

Have you told her that he’s the one saying no to picking her up? Maybe you should make him be the one to tell her. You’re the one stuck in the middle. Does she think she wouldn’t have any rules living at his place then? What rules doesn’t she like?

Interesting that now it’s got a bit real that he’s backing away!! Quick to jump in wasn’t he.

It was a speaker phone call so she could hear him and she could speak to him too so she's heard him say no.
He admitted it would be very challenging to have her there full time due to school.

You really are going through hell, dear greyrockblock. I feel for you. Please keep posting so we can support you in what is a nigh on impossible situation.

I haven't had any of your problems but I did go through some very difficult years with DS1. In his case it was a delayed and extreme bereavement reaction after DH died.

I found the best strategy was to be totally open about how I felt. We tend to keep our deepest emotions away from our DC because of their age. But sometimes they need to know how much their behaviour has affected you - and in your case, her little sister. Does your DD not understand how her accusations might affect you and everyone else? Because I think she needs to.

Prawnofthepatriarchy I explained the repercussions of her accusations and she said she felt like I was blackmailing her.
Even when he told her know she insisted that he'd be here in half an hour to get here. But he said! No, he said NO. She's not listening at all.

It's all my fault. He's just sent me a horrible message saying it's all my fault over the years.

Ignore and delete. He is trying to bait you into reacting.

This is why I can't have contact with him

You're doing your best.

Is there anything you and your dc could all do together?
Disney singalong songs on YouTube or a drawing competition or blindfolded fruit guessing or musical bumps?
A walk?

Try to get your mind off it.

@greyrockblock none of this is your fault! You've done nothing but try to be a good parent to your dd's Definitely try for counselling for dd she obviously has a lot of anger towards the situation
And I agree with pp's, maybe telling her the real story would make her realise. My dm was in an abusive relationship with my dad and has always been open about it with me. It's allowed me to see him for what he really is and I've never been angry towards her for anything that's happened.
Hope all works out x

I explained the repercussions of her accusations and she said she felt like I was blackmailing her.

To which the answer surely is that she has lied to the police about you and that she must acknowledge committing perjury over something so serious, and with potentially life changing effects, makes any accusation of blackmail look pretty silly.

I'd ignore your Ex and his nasty messages as much as possible. He's doing it to hurt. If he really loved the DC he wouldn't be doing any of this. They're pawns to him.

As terrible and horrible as he was to you, you and he do need to talk and get a united front, she's an angry young lady and whilst professionals can help to a point you need to put her needs over and above yourselves. I know easy to write on a message board, hard in real life but start with a letter to him, explain what she's like, and between you you need to help her. Whether she has a medical condition I don't know but the key is to stop allowing her to feed off the negativity you have for each other.

Stuck that’s great advice when one parent isn’t a total dick and tells constant lies.

In the ideal world when people split up that is what they would do, but this is the real world and no matter what the op has done, her ex manipulated the situation and has control over her again.

The oldest child is old enough now to understand that actions have consequences. Yes she needs help but that’s difficult when you have one parent who has shown time and time again he is incapable of putting his child’s needs before his own.

At what age can you be 100% honest with your kids about your abusive ex's behaviour?

I don't know how it works with kids and their parents but my kids know a lot about the abusive behaviour dh's parents towards him because it was continuing and they were beginning to show the same behaviours towards our dc so we stopped contact.

He's said I was vile after the break up and made horrendous allegations against him (all true and reported to the police, GP, women's aid, social services, solicitor), and they this will have had a major impact on dd and be why she's like this. No mention of him leaving and going off with ow days after they've grandad died, or that he was involving ow with kids when I was at work, refusing to have them when I was in hospital and reporting me to SS for not having emergency childcare in place, saying his gf was going to kill me, withholding the children, not even having a bed for them until this last year. I could go on. Physical, sexual, financial, emotional and psychological abuse but no, it's all my fault. I feel sick. I've blocked him for good now. I can't work with him and will tell SS the same. No one should be forced to work together with an abusive ex. No one.

Heart to heart and she's admitted she lied and exaggerated.
Ex made some wild accusations about years ago to the police last night which the police did not mention to me. Dd stunned about what he claimed I did to her. He's utter scum.

keep your chin up, this too shall pass,

I hope ex is seen for what he is.

I'm trying. I'm just reeling now from what she's told me he told the police and what he's text me tonight. I'll be sending a copy of it to my solicitor. Everything has been documented over the years. Everything. I was right not to trust the mr nice guy facade. Once an abuser...