Ex refusing to bring home the kids-hand hold needed

[greyrockblock]

My abusive exH had the kids for after school contact today and has refused to bring them back accusing me of abusing them. There's a court order in place and I have residency. I'm waiting for the police to get back to me. The eldest has high school tests tomorrow and the younger one will be really upset. The eldest has been very challenging lately telling lots of lies, disrespectful, lots of attitude and I'm at my wits end with her. Her reason for her behaviour is "things at dad's" but the courts and social services aren't interested. She has to go to contact.
I don't have much faith in the police to be honest and just want the children home.

[greyrockblock]

Thank you ☺️
I'm so glad no one is forcing me to communicate with him. I've got an alternative way for the kids to come into the house when he drops them off too so I don't even need to look at him.

DDs seem much happier in general which is great.

[Pikapikachooo]

Good update OP
I am pleased you are getting some help xxxx

[Tooner]

Brilliant update OP. Well done for dealing with that horrible mess so well. Its great to hear you have someone on your side.

[greyrockblock]

It's so good to have someone believe me that can actually help.
I'm lying here in bed wondering why he's not pushed things. His eagerness to just accept dd needs help and leave it at that is unnerving. Although he has said it's all my fault. He's probably got a court application up his sleeve. Or maybe, just maybe, by involving the police he has shot himself in the foot. He doesn't know about all the allegations Ive made about him over the decade we were together, he only knows about the things I reported since he left that happened after he left. But the police know. And social services know. And they communicate with each other. So maybe they've had words with him about his malicious reports. Or maybe he's dropped it because he's breached the order and knows a court application will result in lots of questions being asked of us both. Lots of maybes and I know you'll all tell me to switch off but I'm someone who needs to process things by thinking through the maybes.

Mumsnet has helped me so much in the past year or so. I've processed so many incidents through the experienced lens of mumsnetters. I didn't realise most of what he did was abusive until I started posting on here. I see things in a different light now and feel stronger and more confident in dealing with him. I learnt the term grey rock block and NC here and I've used it to good effect with several toxic family members as well as him. I'll be forever grateful for mumsnet because now I have boundaries. Took me until I was 40 ish but they are pretty solid in the main. So a massive thank you to you all

[magoria]

He just jumped on another way to hurt you.

As long as it doesn't impact him long term and he doesn't have to put himself out he doesn't really care what it does to DDs.

[QueenOfTheCroneAge]

So pleased for you!

[RandomMess]

so pleased you have a SW fighting for you and DDs needs at long last.

[SnowsInWater]

Very happy to read your update. Take care xx

[greyrockblock]

I'm waiting for my solicitor to call me back regarding a non-molestation order and a barring order or whatever it's called. It's a shame this won't affect his job as he's being considered for promotion (healthcare).

[endofthelinefinally]

I think you should talk to the sensible SW about the previous history of violence/assault that the police are not taking seriously. It is disgusting that he has got away with that behaviour.

[greyrockblock]

I have my notes from women's aid now as they've emailed them across to me. It's quite odd to read about me like that. Like it's someone else. It's weird to see yourself classed as a survivor of DV and your ex a perpetrator. I know that's how it is but still.
Nothing from the solicitor but will chase him on Monday.

Children are much happier and settled. DD1 has very much toned down the attitude and insolence which is a relief as she's been so awful. Poor kid. I'd hate to have her life too

[MamaOfBothTeams]

When do they next have contact with him op? Are they ready for it

[greyrockblock]

Tomorrow and don't seem concerned. They are so used to him they don't see what he's doing as wrong.

[MamaOfBothTeams]

At least they have a stable home with you, you can always tell when a child is comfortable and feels safe as that is when they feel like they can fully be themselves

[Lozzerbmc]

Great to read your update. Well done - turning a corner i hope- wishing you well

[SunshineCake]

I checked the date twice as I have read this same scenario before.

All very stressful.

[greyrockblock]

The like going to his because there's no rules, no bedtime, no limit on screen time and they can play/use their phones until midnight. They aren't arsed about him. It's all about the gaming.

[greyrockblock]

The kids don't seem to realise that what he did is so wrong. They don't see the domestic abuse they witness at his as abuse. He tells them I abused him. Surely they wouldn't be referred if it wasn't true? He's done a very thorough number on them. I wish I could move away.

[Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge]

When my ds's turned 12+14 they went nc with their df. Actually recognised they needed parenting and he wasn't doing it! Ds 14 was actually allowed to take drugs ffs! Came to me full time. Been 3 years now.
Bide your time op.

You are doing great.

[greyrockblock]

That's awful. I'm glad they are with you now but so sad to know that he's treated them so badly that they are NC.

I've had to explain to them today that what he's doing to them as well as me is abuse. They understandably feel torn as they love him. But they do see him for the shit he is.

[gottastopeatingchocolate]

Been watching for an update, OP. So glad that things have turned a corner and that you are being heard.

Stay on your guard a little, if you feel he might have something else "up his sleeve". Make sure you are safe when home alone etc.

If you don't mind my asking, how have you arranged communicating with him? I am in a similar position and currently have to endure pretty unpleasant emails which I am told to "ignore" but can't block as there could be an emergency. Would love to be able to block him out, so was just wondering what you have in place?

[feelingsinister]

I can understand that it must be frustrating that the children can't see the abuse in the way you do but it's absolutely normal.

He's an abuser and a manipulator and they've been part of that too. He grooms and twists everything that's happened. He's Disney dad in that he doesn't discipline or parent them.

Some children can almost appear to be colluding in the abuse. Some children report back to the abuser, minimise their behaviour and blame the parent who is the victim.

I think you've been given some brilliant advice on here and I'm glad that you're getting support but some of the advice has been very poor such as physically and emotionally withdrawing from your daughter because of her false accusation.

I'm glad that they'll be getting some professional help and a space to talk this stuff through that is just for them.

Please, if you haven't already, read up about the impact of domestic abuse and trauma on children. Maybe a little bit about attachment theory too.
She doesn't know which way is up or who to trust and she is hurt and confused. Her behaviour might well be appalling and unacceptable and no-one is saying that you should accept it but separate that behaviour from the frightened child who has probably heard and witnessed horrific things her father has done to you and probably his current partner.

[greyrockblock]

Thank you, that's interesting reading. I was the scapegoat as a child. Alcoholic father and codependent mother. I was the cause of all their problems even well into my 20s when I apparently caused my mother's heart attack. I'll never forget them all hanging up on me when I was 14 and wondering what they could do about me. DD1 is probably the first and second.

[greyrockblock]

@gottastopeatingchocolate we have a court order in place. The children are collected from school usually and then returned to mine on a Sunday night and the after school day they go in the week. I open the door and stand behind it to let them in and then quickly shut and lock as long as I'm happy he's back in the car. They will now use the back gate though so I don't have to do that. It means I don't even have to clap eyes on him. If it's the holidays then he collects them from home. Again, back gate once they say he's here.
I don't have any communication with him now. His number is blocked and I got a new email address years ago so he can't email me. If there is anything urgent he can withhold his number and phone. I won't answer a withheld number so I let it go to voicemail. If I deem it necessary to call him back then I do. If it's a day the kids are with me then I don't even listen to the message. He can contact my solicitor if need be and communicate through him.

[Pikapikachooo]

Ah OP

I have sons and it scares me what they are learning and frankly how they treat me sometimes

That said I have utterly lost my shit with my eldest this week . Horribly so and I so ashamed and depressed . My DC don’t see their angry dad as bad . And this week I have been worse than him , when I am depressed I get angry

Anyway . Me me me

It’s so fucked up . We don’t want to bring children into shit . And yet I have

I am glad your DD has calmed down a bit and like you I get the best wisdom from here

Sat here listening to my neighbour get screamed at by her mentally ill and violent son which is not helping my mood either