Ex refusing to bring home the kids-hand hold needed

[greyrockblock]

My abusive exH had the kids for after school contact today and has refused to bring them back accusing me of abusing them. There's a court order in place and I have residency. I'm waiting for the police to get back to me. The eldest has high school tests tomorrow and the younger one will be really upset. The eldest has been very challenging lately telling lots of lies, disrespectful, lots of attitude and I'm at my wits end with her. Her reason for her behaviour is "things at dad's" but the courts and social services aren't interested. She has to go to contact.
I don't have much faith in the police to be honest and just want the children home.

[RandomMess]

How have things been

[greyrockblock]

Well, dd1 got a bollocking of his gf for exaggerating about things. She went on about it for ages and made her cry Dad day there and said nothing at all. Maybe now gf is seeing the abusive side of him as I guess she's pissed off it looks bad on them? I'll be speaking to the SW again tomorrow just to clarify a few things but maybe he got told to stop making false allegations. A lot of maybes I know but it helps my anxiety to try and work out the whys and wherefores of things.
Dd1 and I went for a hot chocolate after school today and apart from the blocking she got and dad being in bed half of Father's Day she seemed pretty happy so I feel much better now she's happier.

[gottastopeatingchocolate]

Thanks for replying, OP.

We have "all communication must be in writing" in our court order, so I couldn't do as you do (but I REALLY hope it works for you!)

Truly hope that you and your family get strong support.

[greyrockblock]

Worryingly dd told me that his gf was saying how I'd never get a job again now I've "got a police record" and how it would affect my life, my ds, my house, essentially everything. How is this woman still taken in after all his lies. Surely any intelligent person would question why her Dp is still so fixated on his ex wife and wanting to destroy her? 18 times to court? Fuck that. They have 2 kids together and are supposed to be getting married. She's nuts and trying her best to alienate dd from me.

[greyrockblock]

@Pikapikachooo
I have a ds who's father has only seen him once when he was one. His choice. I worry what attitudes he will grow up with along with what my girls will put up with from men. We discuss boundaries a lot and talk about how we treat each other.
The hardest thing is knowing that everything you do as a parent is under scrutiny and might end in a report to SS or an application to court.
Their childhood has been stolen from them and from me.

[Pikapikachooo]

Ah OP

I have sons and it scares me what they are learning and frankly how they treat me sometimes

That said I have utterly lost my shit with my eldest this week . Horribly so and I so ashamed and depressed . My DC don’t see their angry dad as bad . And this week I have been worse than him , when I am depressed I get angry

Anyway . Me me me

It’s so fucked up . We don’t want to bring children into shit . And yet I have

I am glad your DD has calmed down a bit and like you I get the best wisdom from here

Sat here listening to my neighbour get screamed at by her mentally ill and violent son which is not helping my mood either

[greyrockblock]

@gottastopeatingchocolate we have a court order in place. The children are collected from school usually and then returned to mine on a Sunday night and the after school day they go in the week. I open the door and stand behind it to let them in and then quickly shut and lock as long as I'm happy he's back in the car. They will now use the back gate though so I don't have to do that. It means I don't even have to clap eyes on him. If it's the holidays then he collects them from home. Again, back gate once they say he's here.
I don't have any communication with him now. His number is blocked and I got a new email address years ago so he can't email me. If there is anything urgent he can withhold his number and phone. I won't answer a withheld number so I let it go to voicemail. If I deem it necessary to call him back then I do. If it's a day the kids are with me then I don't even listen to the message. He can contact my solicitor if need be and communicate through him.

[greyrockblock]

Thank you, that's interesting reading. I was the scapegoat as a child. Alcoholic father and codependent mother. I was the cause of all their problems even well into my 20s when I apparently caused my mother's heart attack. I'll never forget them all hanging up on me when I was 14 and wondering what they could do about me. DD1 is probably the first and second.

[feelingsinister]

I can understand that it must be frustrating that the children can't see the abuse in the way you do but it's absolutely normal.

He's an abuser and a manipulator and they've been part of that too. He grooms and twists everything that's happened. He's Disney dad in that he doesn't discipline or parent them.

Some children can almost appear to be colluding in the abuse. Some children report back to the abuser, minimise their behaviour and blame the parent who is the victim.

I think you've been given some brilliant advice on here and I'm glad that you're getting support but some of the advice has been very poor such as physically and emotionally withdrawing from your daughter because of her false accusation.

I'm glad that they'll be getting some professional help and a space to talk this stuff through that is just for them.

Please, if you haven't already, read up about the impact of domestic abuse and trauma on children. Maybe a little bit about attachment theory too.
She doesn't know which way is up or who to trust and she is hurt and confused. Her behaviour might well be appalling and unacceptable and no-one is saying that you should accept it but separate that behaviour from the frightened child who has probably heard and witnessed horrific things her father has done to you and probably his current partner.

[gottastopeatingchocolate]

Been watching for an update, OP. So glad that things have turned a corner and that you are being heard.

Stay on your guard a little, if you feel he might have something else "up his sleeve". Make sure you are safe when home alone etc.

If you don't mind my asking, how have you arranged communicating with him? I am in a similar position and currently have to endure pretty unpleasant emails which I am told to "ignore" but can't block as there could be an emergency. Would love to be able to block him out, so was just wondering what you have in place?

[greyrockblock]

That's awful. I'm glad they are with you now but so sad to know that he's treated them so badly that they are NC.

I've had to explain to them today that what he's doing to them as well as me is abuse. They understandably feel torn as they love him. But they do see him for the shit he is.

[Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge]

When my ds's turned 12+14 they went nc with their df. Actually recognised they needed parenting and he wasn't doing it! Ds 14 was actually allowed to take drugs ffs! Came to me full time. Been 3 years now.
Bide your time op.

You are doing great.

[greyrockblock]

The kids don't seem to realise that what he did is so wrong. They don't see the domestic abuse they witness at his as abuse. He tells them I abused him. Surely they wouldn't be referred if it wasn't true? He's done a very thorough number on them. I wish I could move away.

[greyrockblock]

The like going to his because there's no rules, no bedtime, no limit on screen time and they can play/use their phones until midnight. They aren't arsed about him. It's all about the gaming.

[SunshineCake]

I checked the date twice as I have read this same scenario before.

All very stressful.

[Lozzerbmc]

Great to read your update. Well done - turning a corner i hope- wishing you well

[MamaOfBothTeams]

At least they have a stable home with you, you can always tell when a child is comfortable and feels safe as that is when they feel like they can fully be themselves

[greyrockblock]

Tomorrow and don't seem concerned. They are so used to him they don't see what he's doing as wrong.

[MamaOfBothTeams]

When do they next have contact with him op? Are they ready for it

[greyrockblock]

I have my notes from women's aid now as they've emailed them across to me. It's quite odd to read about me like that. Like it's someone else. It's weird to see yourself classed as a survivor of DV and your ex a perpetrator. I know that's how it is but still.
Nothing from the solicitor but will chase him on Monday.

Children are much happier and settled. DD1 has very much toned down the attitude and insolence which is a relief as she's been so awful. Poor kid. I'd hate to have her life too

[endofthelinefinally]

I think you should talk to the sensible SW about the previous history of violence/assault that the police are not taking seriously. It is disgusting that he has got away with that behaviour.

[greyrockblock]

I'm waiting for my solicitor to call me back regarding a non-molestation order and a barring order or whatever it's called. It's a shame this won't affect his job as he's being considered for promotion (healthcare).

[SnowsInWater]

Very happy to read your update. Take care xx

[RandomMess]

so pleased you have a SW fighting for you and DDs needs at long last.

[QueenOfTheCroneAge]

So pleased for you!