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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ex refusing to bring home the kids-hand hold needed

255 replies

greyrockblock · 10/06/2019 20:46

My abusive exH had the kids for after school contact today and has refused to bring them back accusing me of abusing them. There's a court order in place and I have residency. I'm waiting for the police to get back to me. The eldest has high school tests tomorrow and the younger one will be really upset. The eldest has been very challenging lately telling lots of lies, disrespectful, lots of attitude and I'm at my wits end with her. Her reason for her behaviour is "things at dad's" but the courts and social services aren't interested. She has to go to contact.
I don't have much faith in the police to be honest and just want the children home.

OP posts:
shhhFFS · 12/06/2019 10:14

My ex did pretty much exactly this. My DD was similar age to yours, last year of primary. There was no DV history with the ex but long history of him trying to be controlling and using DD as a weapon. DD was having increasingly strained relationship with him, had said she didn't want to see him, her behaviour after returning from his was getting increasingly worse.

She went for contact due back at tea time, never came back and he refused to bring her back on grounds of abuse. Said there was bruising on DD and DD had said I had done this and he had reported me to SS and SS had advised to keep hold of her. I had a residency order in place and he had a (out of date and invalid because he never stuck to it)contact order. I called the police who did a safety check but couldn't do anything further as he had parental responsibility and with no concerns about her safety there it was then a civil matter. This all occurred on the weekend so when I called SS they said they couldn't do anything or assess anything until Monday.

I was broken, utterly distressed. Ex lived less than half a mile away but police had advised he was not there and had taken her elsewhere to avoid me turning up at his doorstep. By the morning, after no sleep I decided to turn up at his house and I refused to leave his doorstep until he handed her over. He called the police, the police ended up advising him to hand her over as per residency order and to avoid causing further disturbance and take up abuse claim with SS. He handed DD over and I took her home.

He didn't follow up the abuse claim, SS had a brief chat with me about it but put it down to malicious. DD has not seen him again since. I told him he needed to be supervised during contact either by me, a family member of mine, or formally in a contact centre. That he can take me to court if he is not happy with this, but over my dead body is DD being left unsupervised in his care again. (there is a LOT more to this, years of emotional manipulation of DD and general shit Dad), and this event was the straw that broke the camel's back. He never pursued contact or court and we haven't spoke again, I have no way of contacting even if I needed to.

Obviously with history of DV just turning up there is not the thing to do, but you have every right to question contact going forwards and if he doesn't like it go back to court. And stand by supervised contact, if the children want it.

Don't be too hard on DD, she obviously needs to understand the consequences of her actions but you can only do this through talking with her. Punishment will not help

shhhFFS · 12/06/2019 10:24

And big hugs too it's a bloody nightmare, and I bet you have been going through hell and back

greyrockblock · 12/06/2019 10:50

Thank you. I'm feeling calmer now. Dad has told her she doesn't get a choice on coming back home. I'd said that if she wants to go back to his she can but he's having non of it. So as suspected he only wants the kids when it suits him.
I'm sorry that anyone else has gone through similar Thanks

OP posts:
Clutterbugsmum · 12/06/2019 11:12

So as suspected he only wants the kids when it suits him.

Yes this has solely been to upset you.

I do think you need to have an open and honest conversation with your older daughter about her behavior and what led up to you and her dad divorcing. And what the consequences will happen because of her lying.

greyrockblock · 12/06/2019 11:14

He's being mr nice guy and mr reasonable concerned dad now..

I'm sure she blames me for him leaving.

OP posts:
combatbarbie · 12/06/2019 11:17

Of course he is, but if he believes you're abusing Dd then surely she is safer with him for now.......

greyrockblock · 12/06/2019 11:18

Exactly

OP posts:
Pikapikachooo · 12/06/2019 11:35

It’s so hard that simultaneous feeling of deep love and compassion and deep fury !
OP it’s seems clearer now

I urge you to get some
Mental head space as you have had a horrible few days and the immediate path forward is never easily
Identified when so stressed

I think DD needs some counselling

When she is a wiser and older woman she will apologise for this , the mix of abuse experience and teenage hormones is a brutal one xx

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 12/06/2019 12:15

Sometimes the local women's aid has a children's worker or group that can really help.
I know it's so hard to judge how much to tell children about abuse.
But the women's aid workers are good at supporting in a more general way.
When I've supported women who've escaped abuse who have then been in similar situations the womens aid interventions have been really useful for the child.

greyrockblock · 12/06/2019 12:28

I'll give them a ring thank you. I've asked the GP to refer her urgently for counselling but will see what's available through women's aid.
I'm really struggling to know how to have this conversation with her dad as she has always wanted to know everything and of course I have told her that it's not necessary if appropriate for her to know everything. He had an affair but denies it and says he didn't leave for the ow. Dd feels abandoned by him but he says he just left me not her. That's not how she feels though. He's a pathological liar and has lied through his teeth to the authorities and the court so she sees him getting away with that and figures she can do the same. It's hypocritical of him to tell her not to tell lies when he tells them.

OP posts:
greyrockblock · 12/06/2019 12:39

Local women's aid don't have any services for children but they said SS might actually prove useful with this.

OP posts:
SuperLoudPoppingAction · 12/06/2019 13:13

Good luck with ss but I'm sorry WA couldn't help.

When your dd says 'dad does x' I think your dd might be initiating a conversation and looking for your pov.

She might remember some of how he behaved when he was with you or she might be uncomfortable with how he uses her to get to you now.

It's tricky ground to tread but with some support you can have that conversation with her I think

Not a catalogue of what he did but something relevant to what she's saying at the time.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 12/06/2019 13:14

Don't mean to sound in any way condescending.
I've been through the same thing.
My ds1 had a counselor who was very understanding and had worked for a rape crisis before.
He totally changed the way he was with me after he saw her.

greyrockblock · 12/06/2019 13:23

You didn't sound condescending at all, don't worry.,I'm hoping counselling will help her. I'm frustrated that when referred via school they didn't tell me how long the waiting list is: years apparently! If I'd have known that I'd have asked the GP months ago.

She has triangulated herself with us and is trying to get us together in some way as ultimately she wants him home. It will never happen and she knows that. I don't feel safe with him and will not put myself in a position where I am in any contact other than what is necessary. I've patented her alone for the past 6.5 years and it's been bloody hard trying to help them through all the hurt he's caused. He's got his new life and yet he won't leave me alone.

OP posts:
greyrockblock · 12/06/2019 14:32

She'll be home soon and am dreading it. I feel awful for feeling like that but she could have ruined our family and my career. Yes she's angry and hurt but making allegations to the police is vindictive.

OP posts:
Pikapikachooo · 12/06/2019 14:35

Maybe give her a hug and say we need to talk but not right now . I am too stressed

X

Doyoumind · 12/06/2019 14:44

I think it's really, really difficult but you should welcome her home with love and hugs (if she will allow). Smother her with kindness. Then in the next few days bring up the subject of how hurtful and damaging her lies are. Give her a clear picture of the potential consequences. Tell her how important it is you all respect each other. She won't show she's listening but it will have some impact.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 12/06/2019 14:49

I don't thik OP should have any physical contact with DD1 until the allegations are sorted - and she should explain why. DD1 needs to understand this is not a game.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 12/06/2019 14:50

*think

greyrockblock · 12/06/2019 14:52

@QueenOfTheCroneAge her dad won't have her back so she's nowhere to go and o don't want her to feel rejected. She feels rejected by him enough. That's why she shits on me because she knows I'm not going anywhere. I'm always there for her. Years ago social services explained this is why she's badly behaved at home: because she knows she's loved here and I won't leave her. She's safe and secure and can act out. I would like to send her to her dad's but I can't.

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 12/06/2019 14:57

I meant just not cuddle her, as she's made allegations, and explain that she could lie again and say you attacked her if you went in for a hug. This may bring the seriousness of what she's done home.

greyrockblock · 12/06/2019 15:03

Hmmm, that's an idea. I told her dad I had to protect myself and he agreed but said she had to come home.

OP posts:
greyrockblock · 12/06/2019 15:08

I think I'm most angry that I'm having to have contact with my abusive ex. He's blocked for a reason and now I have to play nice and lower my boundaries that are in place for the safety of us all.

OP posts:
VictoriaBun · 12/06/2019 15:11

Me ex did something very similar . He allowed her to stay out late and for the home not to have the boundaries that I had . My daughter choose to stay living at her father's house. He then went into full turn dd against me mode, sadly it worked and I am now estranged from her for a good few years and now she is an adult that it her choice .

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 12/06/2019 15:11

I expect your ex is ordering her home in case he's forced to keep her! he didn't think it through, did he?

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