DH and his lack of ambition

[poppiesinafield]

I don't even know where to begin but I think I need some help picking apart my feelings before I explode. I have been with DH for 11 years this summer, married for 8. 2 DDs, my older DD 17 from previous relationship, and our DD 8.

My DH is a kind and caring man, he is a good dad, he is considerate towards me, doesn't go out, has never cheated, does his fair share of the housework etc. We don't argue and I would describe our relationship as good on a day to day basis.

BUT, he has worked in the same job (think unskilled, outdoor type job, quite weather dependent) for the entire time we have been together and there is no sign of it changing - he doesn't earn much more than what he did 11 years ago when we met and our income is CONSTANTLY affected by the weather. To give him his due, he is often up early (5am) and works long days but the reality is he very rarely earns a full weeks wages BECAUSE WHEN DO WE EVER GET A FULL WEEK OF DRY WEATHER IN THE UK! His friends locally are all starting to get to the point of doing better in their jobs, having mortgages and better cars. Not that I'm bothered about that sort of stuff really but I am tired of struggling all the time.

From my point of view, when we met I was in the final year of my degree. We then had DD and I worked part time for a bit - at this point I decided against training to be a teacher and now I work in the NHS - my pay isn't amazing but I have the option to pick up extra shifts which I often do and am now in the position where I am certainly earning more than my DH. I often attend training and can see that I will be able to work myself up to better paid positions over the coming years.

This week, after the few bits and bobs that have had to be paid for, DH has £100 left which is meant to have to see us through for a week. This is a regular occurrence when we have a rainy week and puts us back constantly. It means I am now probably going to have to pick up an extra shift tomorrow after I have worked all week. We are meant to be saving for a holiday in August, not one penny has been put back, it will be me working extra shifts that pays for the bulk of it I expect.

Just for clarity I have a horse which I know is classed as an expensive hobby although I keep it as low cost as possible, and I have a large (cheap and old!) 4x4 to tow her around with. But I pay for that out of all the extra shifts I work and feel entitled to it, my main wages go in the joint account for bills, food etc and I don't really touch them.

We have had conversations in the recent past (arguments!) where I have said I am unhappy with this situation and didn't think that after 11 years nothing would have changed where he has said he will try harder, but here we are again skint because he hasn't worked enough. It's actually his birthday on Monday too and we can't afford to go out or anything this weekend. It's just a bit sad really ☹️

He may want a more basic lifestyle but he still needs to pay the bills. I wouldn't want to do 50 hours per week so he can doss on rain days

But I'd like to know how much DH puts in the communal pot, what that pays for etc.

If OP earns £20,000 basic and then DH earns say £15,000 that's a combined income of £35,000 so not terrible. Are they really living on the breadline with that sort of income?

There are also plenty of threads on here that say step parents are not responsible for paying for the step children so who financially supports the OPs older child? Does her dad pay child maintenance for her or is OPs husband expected to pay?

Yes, I’m inclined to agree with other posters. Until we know what DH does and how much he earns it’s all very vague and feels as if OP is looking for a quick win.

Older DD's dad is dead. He never paid any maintenance when he was alive. Dh probably brings home under 15k. If he was working 5 days a week every week that would be more like 26k - good grief!

He may want a more basic lifestyle but he still needs to pay the bills. I wouldn't want to do 50 hours per week so he can doss on rain days

Exactly! Some people’s bars must be really low that they think this is the action of a decent guy.

Can you try talking to him again OP? Point out that he’s depriving the household of £11k a year by not bothering to work when it rains. And making you have to work extra shifts. Ask him if he truly thinks that is fair.

That's not fair at all for him not to be working 5 days a week when he is able to but simply choosing not to.

Since you've explained more, it sounds like you would be fine financially if he just worked full time at his current job which certainly isn't too much to ask!

Has nothing to do with being ambitious either. He would just be doing the minimum for a full time job.

Ok so you both work 30 hours in minimum wage jobs and then you work an additional 20 hours each week in extra shifts.

OPs extra shifts are definitely more than covering the horse expenses and probably dd1 as well.

The only way to up your family income is for OP to get a better paid job or for DH to get a better paid job or to work more hours. Surely you can have an open discussion about this with DH?

Are all construction jobs in your area weather dependent ? I know it sucks but he can’t safely work in bad weather...so I take it he is not on a contract but paid hourly ? How does that work? Can’t he get a salary paid construction job so the weather won’t financially affect you so badly? Is this his own business?

I think you do have to take into account the fact you own a horse & have another child, who presumably needs their own bedroom which means bigger housing costs. It’s unfair her father has passed away, but I at the same time it’s your responsibility to step up as breadwinner if you have a child & a very expensive hobby.

Can you not have an honest conversation with your partner about how you feel?

I mean in your financial position maybe you just can’t afford the horse anymore. Is the horse on your property or stabled somewhere? From living on a farm for a year I know what a money pit horses are. The float alone is is probably worth 5-10K AU am guessing... also 4WDs aren’t known for their fuel efficiency, I should know as I have one !

Or maybe her dh could step up and stop working part time

Am Aussie & London is my love but even I would say it doesn’t rain nearly as much as its reputation would have us believe. Not sure what region OP is but the UK has an undeserved reputation for constant bad weather. If the husband is only off work in bad weather does it really equate to part time hours ? Is he deciding himself to stop work that day or does he have a boss who decides ? All these are factors. We are throwing random $$$ figures out there but if this is a 5 or 10 grand difference per year? How many days off did he have last financial year?

I completely understand your frustration - my DH earns a huge amount less than me and never seems to progress despite promising to change (for nearly 15 years now!). You should absolutely keep your horse and see if you can help give him a nudge in the right direction to start the carpet cleaning business (if you set it up for him, he just needs to turn up and then work will start to come in naturally).

Why can’t he get a second job? Something that isn’t weather dependent. Bar work or night security

I think you need to think carefully here.You want DH to get a full time inside job that pays well,however we are hearing almost daily of Redundencies, Banks laying off staff and so on .So with no previous experience, how does he get a job like this?.From what you say you work hard ,are well qualified and able to pick up extra shifts to help pay for your horse .Obviously you want to keep her, but balance the costs PA( around 3K I think) against your DH wages ,there is not as much difference as you think!.We only eat out occasionally (,expensive and sometimes disappointing.)A well cooked steak meal cooked at home ,Cake and Steak as called here!.As far as holidays go, why not opt for a house swap or air B an B in UK for example .I see your problem, but if he is kind to you ,works when he can, then that is a good thing .Not everyone is ambitous and you cant change that!

@prawnsword the weather in London is a lot drier and warmer than the rest of the country. Somewhere in the direction of Manchester for example can be very wet

It's the "works when he can" bit that's the problem, dottie. He can work more than he does, he chooses not to.

You work to fund your lifestyle, the dc and your hobby.
Your wages also fund his lifestyle.
He doesn't want to contribute to the lifestyle he enjoys by working extra hours/different job.
He's happy in his little bubble enjoying himself because you're the only one taking the responsibility for your family.

i wouldn't be killing myself working extra just to take him on holiday.
Or funding any of his hobbies etc.
Bailing him out when he refuses to take accountability is enabling him.

Sorry if I've missed it but presumably he does the childcare when you are working though?

Sorry, just seen that you dd goes to breakfast and after school club, why not get your DH to do this childcare? That would save quite a bit?

i haven't read all the posts but you say you're struggling and you've got a horse and 4x4 to tow it around, you're behind with the rent and you feel entitled so you want your DH to have more ambition.
FFS sell the horse and get a car that is cheap to run.
You knew what job he had when you met, don't try to change people against their will.

OP works to pay for her horse and 4x4!
It's her husband who can't afford the lifestyle he enjoys.

OP, seriously - just stop paying for his hobbies/holidays etc.
He can take responsibility for his own luxuries.

You spend lots on your hobby horse

You don't have enough money to take your partner out for a birthday meal

Look where your priorities are !

Both the OP and her husband are low earners. All of us a vulnerable to bad luck, but it would not take much to see her family in a very precarious position indeed.

But the OP is working extra shifts to pay the bills and then for her hobby! He could earn more, but cba, and he's spending what little he does earn on his hobby!

So what happens when their landlord decides to sell up? The boiler breaks down? Her DH has an injury?

He is lacksidaisical in his earning.
OP is a hard worker, but she still isn't being sensible about what she is spending.