DH and his lack of ambition

[poppiesinafield]

I don't even know where to begin but I think I need some help picking apart my feelings before I explode. I have been with DH for 11 years this summer, married for 8. 2 DDs, my older DD 17 from previous relationship, and our DD 8.

My DH is a kind and caring man, he is a good dad, he is considerate towards me, doesn't go out, has never cheated, does his fair share of the housework etc. We don't argue and I would describe our relationship as good on a day to day basis.

BUT, he has worked in the same job (think unskilled, outdoor type job, quite weather dependent) for the entire time we have been together and there is no sign of it changing - he doesn't earn much more than what he did 11 years ago when we met and our income is CONSTANTLY affected by the weather. To give him his due, he is often up early (5am) and works long days but the reality is he very rarely earns a full weeks wages BECAUSE WHEN DO WE EVER GET A FULL WEEK OF DRY WEATHER IN THE UK! His friends locally are all starting to get to the point of doing better in their jobs, having mortgages and better cars. Not that I'm bothered about that sort of stuff really but I am tired of struggling all the time.

From my point of view, when we met I was in the final year of my degree. We then had DD and I worked part time for a bit - at this point I decided against training to be a teacher and now I work in the NHS - my pay isn't amazing but I have the option to pick up extra shifts which I often do and am now in the position where I am certainly earning more than my DH. I often attend training and can see that I will be able to work myself up to better paid positions over the coming years.

This week, after the few bits and bobs that have had to be paid for, DH has £100 left which is meant to have to see us through for a week. This is a regular occurrence when we have a rainy week and puts us back constantly. It means I am now probably going to have to pick up an extra shift tomorrow after I have worked all week. We are meant to be saving for a holiday in August, not one penny has been put back, it will be me working extra shifts that pays for the bulk of it I expect.

Just for clarity I have a horse which I know is classed as an expensive hobby although I keep it as low cost as possible, and I have a large (cheap and old!) 4x4 to tow her around with. But I pay for that out of all the extra shifts I work and feel entitled to it, my main wages go in the joint account for bills, food etc and I don't really touch them.

We have had conversations in the recent past (arguments!) where I have said I am unhappy with this situation and didn't think that after 11 years nothing would have changed where he has said he will try harder, but here we are again skint because he hasn't worked enough. It's actually his birthday on Monday too and we can't afford to go out or anything this weekend. It's just a bit sad really ☹️

[junebirthdaygirl]

If ye live in an area of summer homes could he get extra work doing maintenance, supervising them in Winter, cutting grass etc . We have a house miles away. A guy cuts our grass. He demands payment up front at the beginning of Summer. He is so busy he can demand that and we are glad to have him.
Maybe painting those houses indoors on rainy days. He could have his own little business on the side.
But my main point, said earlier..don't make the mistake of taking all responsibility..put it back on him.

[category12]

Oh so he can work in the rain. So it's more a case of doesn't want to work in the rain, than the job is impossible to do in the rain.

That makes it very different to me.

You wouldn't be unreasonable to kick his arse.

[MrsCakeTheMedium]

Hang on. So he can work in the rain? He just doesn't?

[gatsby2019]

I couldn't live like this but you know what he earned when you married him and had dc. I don't think he'll change, and why should he if he is happy? You need to decide what you want, and how'll you'll get it.

[poppiesinafield]

So making an effort could also include going to work on a Saturday or Sunday when he has been rained off during the week, he very, very rarely does this (I gave him the silent treatment this morning and he has gone out to work). Or yes finding jobs/saving work for when it's raining.

I suppose where were different is that I think "I need money for X I can work extra to pay for it" and he thinks "I need money for X but we can't do it because I haven't worked a full week" - he just lacks any motivation to do it and thinks it's ok.

[RussianSpamBot]

Oh sorry cross posted with your last one OP. If he can work in the rain then yes he should be doing it.

Setting aside your luxuries, it sounds like he is paying less than 50% of the already pared down household expenses because he is choosing to reduce his hours, and not for the benefit of the household. That is, he isn't working part time because you've agreed he'll do all wraparound childcare or whatever. He's working fewer hours because he wants the luxury of an outdoor job he doesn't have to do when the weather is inclement.

Now there is an argument to be had that his desire to work less is no less important than your desire for treats. They're both luxuries. However, his working decisions are putting you in the position where you're struggling with basic living costs, and that's not acceptable.

[category12]

Yup, completely different picture now I realise he can actually work more. He's an arse.

If he doesn't want to change jobs, he needs to commit to going out rain or shine or picking it up at the weekend. You shouldn't be picking up extra shifts to cover his shortfall, he needs to be doing it.

[resisterpersister]

Please stop going on about the horse, the horse is a red herring.

The problem isn't that the OP needs money short term - and if there are no expensive livery costs as she's using her mate's fiend there's not a lot to save anyway. The problem is that her DH is not earning a living wage and - crucially - he has no plans to do so.

OP if he did have ambition, what could you see him doing, realistically, using his skills?

[resisterpersister]

field not fiend!!

[SouthernComforts]

Why should OP give up her one expense that she enjoys, so her lazy husband can carry on faffing around with a part time job?? She works more than full time to subsidise his wage. I'd be sitting down with a spreadsheet in black and white and giving him an ultimatum.

[Fleetheart]

As you say OP, the big issue is that he is quite happy and he’s not ambitious. It is a tricky one as you can’t change him. I presume you don’t want to live without him, so you will have to make do. Annoying, but in reality what else can you do? It sounds like if push came to shove (if you were ill for example), he would make the extra effort, but not otherwise.

[LizzieMacQueen]

I know this won't be popular to point this out to you but ...... you said when you met your ambitions were to be a teacher, now you work for the NHS shift work ( guessing personal care? ). So that's a bit of a climb down.

You could have been in a stable profession but have chosen not to be ( your DD's birth change things? ). Did you graduate? Could you consider changing jobs?

[Snog]

How many hours did each of you work per week on average over the last 2 months?

[Chamomileteaplease]

So how many days a week would you say that he works on average? What does he do the rest of the time??

If it's raining is he on his x box or housework/accounts etc?

[HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo]

But he was working in this menial job when you met him. You can’t have thought that he’d change into a go-getty type? Sadly, you’ve married a Beta male.

[poppiesinafield]

Raining, he will tidy the house cook dinner etc, and yes play on his PS4. I am contracted to work 30 hours a week but the way that spreads out I work full time one week and a bit less than full time the next,but I tend to plug the gaps with extra shifts and then work extra shifts on top of that, some months I've earned say £500 in extra shifts where he is earning less than he could just normally. So I am working maybe 50 or more hours some weeks.

[TheHammock]

I recommend you ask him if he LOVES his job or if it's habit. It's very hard to change after 11 years and being made to feel CRAP about something isn't going to propel anybody forward to embrace change.

The pension aspect is worrying though. Your pension can't fund two in old age.

He needs to look at what else he could do to bring in some more income in a way that suits him. What does he love doing, diversify a bit? Presumably he already has the image locally of a get up at 5am grafter and that doesn't harm if you're starting a small business.

[C0untDucku1a]

Just finished reading the tread. Your op is misleading.

He can work in the rain. he just doesnt want to.
He could work extra days at the weekend if he didnt work a day in the week. He just doesnt want to.

This isnt the same as just having a lack of ambition. He is lazy. He isnt even doing bare minimum.

You wont get anywhere with him op because he isnt bothered about going away, out, or having nice things. They dont interest him so why would he work for them?

You are not compatible. Work on an exit plan before he makes your entire life miserable. Although dont expect maintenance because youre clearly not going to get any!

[category12]

I think you need to say to him that he needs to earn x amount of money a week and you don't care how he does it, whether by changing jobs, or working rain/shine/weekends, or adding a second income stream, so that you're no longer forced to pick up extra shifts to pick up his shortfall, as that's really unfair.

[RussianSpamBot]

I wonder if he'd be as happy to minimise his earnings if he didnt have a partner paying the deficit?

[finn1020]

I feel for you OP. My ex was like that, lack of ambition, happy enough to coast along and let someone else be the adult and worry about how we could make ends meet while he continued to work in a low paid job including taking several pay cuts over a decade just to keep his job - because pay cuts were less bother to him than doing anything to address the issue. I knew it would always be up to me to manage and provide for our financial future (as well as doing all the life admin for the kids).

That wasn’t the reason we split after 20 years, but I do think it played a part. It’s hard being the one who always takes care of everything and anyone who says money doesn’t matter has never had to worry about not being able to buy groceries when you’ve run out of dinner options for the kids, or how the power bill can be paid when you’ve got no money in the bank until next week. A partner who is ABLE to contribute better financially when you are struggling but chooses not to bother isn’t showing respect and consideration for your relationship either.

[TheHammock]

PP makes a good point, you married a beta male and they are less likely to cheat, more likely to help with the housework and the childcare. He sounds like he's content in a very natural kind of job and now that your dd is out of young childhood you want him to be a testosterone fuelled go-getter.

Having left a ''go-getter'' I can tell you those men can earn more but aren't necessarily inclined to spend it on their wife or children. He could earn a forturn and plough it all in to expensive motorbikes and cars.

Think carefully before you try to change EVERYTHING

I think you should approach this from the direction of ''we need a small tweak here somewhere, any ideas''. Respect his job though, IF he is content in it. Change is scary. And if its his identity and a job he enjoys doing, then making him work in Aldi for regular wages could destroy hi, your marriage....

Could he provide a service for tourtists.?? That would be his responsibility

[category12]

Alpha/beta males is such bullshit.

[fedup21]

How many full days is he working in an average week and what does he do when he’s at home? How much does he earn in a day (in relation to you) and how big is tournament rent/mortgage?

[RussianSpamBot]

Yeah, alpha beta is ridiculous, and this one isn't doing much in the way of childcare either. Plus even if you do subscribe to that nonsense, a person can be an unambitious non go-getting type and still attempt not to be in a job that requires full time commitment for under full time NMW.