DH and his lack of ambition

[poppiesinafield]

I don't even know where to begin but I think I need some help picking apart my feelings before I explode. I have been with DH for 11 years this summer, married for 8. 2 DDs, my older DD 17 from previous relationship, and our DD 8.

My DH is a kind and caring man, he is a good dad, he is considerate towards me, doesn't go out, has never cheated, does his fair share of the housework etc. We don't argue and I would describe our relationship as good on a day to day basis.

BUT, he has worked in the same job (think unskilled, outdoor type job, quite weather dependent) for the entire time we have been together and there is no sign of it changing - he doesn't earn much more than what he did 11 years ago when we met and our income is CONSTANTLY affected by the weather. To give him his due, he is often up early (5am) and works long days but the reality is he very rarely earns a full weeks wages BECAUSE WHEN DO WE EVER GET A FULL WEEK OF DRY WEATHER IN THE UK! His friends locally are all starting to get to the point of doing better in their jobs, having mortgages and better cars. Not that I'm bothered about that sort of stuff really but I am tired of struggling all the time.

From my point of view, when we met I was in the final year of my degree. We then had DD and I worked part time for a bit - at this point I decided against training to be a teacher and now I work in the NHS - my pay isn't amazing but I have the option to pick up extra shifts which I often do and am now in the position where I am certainly earning more than my DH. I often attend training and can see that I will be able to work myself up to better paid positions over the coming years.

This week, after the few bits and bobs that have had to be paid for, DH has £100 left which is meant to have to see us through for a week. This is a regular occurrence when we have a rainy week and puts us back constantly. It means I am now probably going to have to pick up an extra shift tomorrow after I have worked all week. We are meant to be saving for a holiday in August, not one penny has been put back, it will be me working extra shifts that pays for the bulk of it I expect.

Just for clarity I have a horse which I know is classed as an expensive hobby although I keep it as low cost as possible, and I have a large (cheap and old!) 4x4 to tow her around with. But I pay for that out of all the extra shifts I work and feel entitled to it, my main wages go in the joint account for bills, food etc and I don't really touch them.

We have had conversations in the recent past (arguments!) where I have said I am unhappy with this situation and didn't think that after 11 years nothing would have changed where he has said he will try harder, but here we are again skint because he hasn't worked enough. It's actually his birthday on Monday too and we can't afford to go out or anything this weekend. It's just a bit sad really ☹️

[TheHammock]

I AGRre with @thingsdogetbetter
Chasing the Bitch Goddess of financial success when you are already content in a job that suits you is madness.
Suggest to him that he work two evenings a week in a bar for example to fund a pension.
Let yr horse go and instead ride somebody else's horse. Share the expense with another horse lover.

[JeepAdventures830]

I'm wondering if he is the type of person if he worked inside, he would be miserable.
I assume he enjoys his outside job

Similarly, you enjoy your horse

I would suggest he keeps his job, but finds a second income for rainy days

When you worked part time, were his wages sufficient ?

[Ylvamoon]

Just a silly question... who does the majority of childcare?
I know many say that he needs a different job, but the way I read your post, it does looks like you are the main earner. You also talk about having to pick up extra shifts for money.... again, is that possible because of his work?
My DH is a 24/7 shift worker, and most jobs I have had in the past have been to accommodate his work and the DC. Your situation reads very similar...
Also, I understand your horse is part of your family but they are expensive to keep and take up a lot of time. Try and think of this part of your post as a reverse... And does he look after your DC (8) while you look after your horse?

[category12]

I don't think op should give up her horse, but obviously she needs to be the one funding it, and keep her expectations of what else they can have alongside it reasonable.

[DonkeyHohtay]

My cousin has a very similar job, he's a self-employed gardener and it's all he's ever done. His work is very weather dependent, and during the winter his income drops considerably. There's also an age consideration - he's into his 50s and just can't manage the physical work he could in his 50s. Very little in the way of savings or pension, they struggle quite a lot and any household emergency like a broken washing machine is a major headache.

Over the years lots of things have been suggested like branching out (pun fully intended) into doing tree surgery, or fencing, patios, actual garden design rather than just weeding and cutting grass. But he's not interested, he just plods along with the same very few clients he's had for donkey's years and with no desire to see any improvement in things.

Partly it's a fear of change. He has a very small comfort zone, never travels more than about 5 miles from home, doesn't like going on holidays, very limited palate when it comes to eating, one of those "I know what I like and I like what I know" types.

I couldn't be with someone like that who has such narrow life experience.

[poppiesinafield]

We live in an area where wages aren't great at all - think lots of second homes owned by people from elsewhere while the local people can't afford to buy because prices have been pushed up. Lots of people move away to find better work.

I generally work extra night shifts when everyone would be in bed anyway.

I really do keep my horse cheaply - maybe £25 a week. She lives in my friend's field so mates rates and I pay the bare minimum in feed etc as she is a natural fatty. One extra shift a month pays for her and I forego new clothes etc and buy everything off eBay, car boot sales etc. I don't feel guilty about this as it is literally my only pleasure in life away from my family!

Other extra shifts do go towards family finances as I transfer them into the bank.

I don't actually want to live a high life, but feel that if he was getting a more dependable wage then we wouldn't be struggling - we shouldn't be struggling so much at this point in our lives!

[JeepAdventures830]

Horses are very expensive & a big commitment
Can you share your horse with someone to generate some income ?

[DonkeyHohtay]

he's into his 50s and just can't manage the physical work he could in his 50s

Can't manage as he could in his 20s, I mean,

[Thedilemma111]

Well your extra shifts are not all going on the family , a lot of it is going on you , your horses and your girly weekend etc .

He doesn’t sound like he spends money on anything aside from his family .

Seems a bit unbalanced

[poppiesinafield]

Oh and when we're talking about holidays, we went camping last year for 3 days and the year before went to visit my dad camping in France - this year's holiday is meant to be the same - camping!! We have never been on a hotel type holiday! DD goes to breakfast and after school club on days when I'm working during the week, if I'm working weekends obviously DH has DD. The childcare isn't really an issue as we sort it between us.

[junebirthdaygirl]

Does your dd17s dad give you money towards her living expenses.
It's annoying if someone is not ambitious but while you take up all the responsibilities he is not going to change.
Sit down with him and get him to write out all your family bill's for the month and what income you need. Put it before him and see if he sees it himself rather than you telling him.
But the discussion about the horse is going to be awkward in that situation!!

[cshelp]

How much are you earning? What are your plans/ambitions?

[RussianSpamBot]

The horse thing did make me lose some sympathy initially, but even if the horse were to evaporate, they'd still be in a situation where one partner is working less than full time but effectively has full time commitments. That is, he can't be relied on for wraparound or holiday childcare because he might be working, and is doing so at a low wage. That's not an easy situation. I work part time with school aged children myself but it's around childcare.

I would say you both need to stop seeing it as him needing to work harder. He's working hard already, the problem is the unavailability of payment due to the weather, which isn't something he can control. Ultimately in order to improve his financial position, he would have to do another job. Is this doable, feasible, is he willing? Also I'm guessing if it's outside it's physical work. People often can't do that for all their working lives. Has he thought of what he'll do when he's older but pre-retired?

[poppiesinafield]

I have talked to him (a lot, several times over the years) about diversifying into maybe, for example, carpet cleaning for when the weather is crap - the hourly return on that is quite good really and it would be perfectly doable for him but he has never done anything about it. When we first got together he would say about how he would one day be taking over the business for the guy he works for but there is no sign of that happening. I just didn't expect things to be like this.

[RussianSpamBot]

What exactly happens when you have these talks with him? As in who says what, how does he respond, what plans are made?

[cantfindname]

I could have written this, including the horse(s) My dear OP worked as hard as he could and loved his job, but the pay was atrocious. I couldn't have 'demanded' that he changed jobs for the sake of money. We scraped through, I also did extra shifts when needed. But neither of us had any interest in material things, possessions etc. We were incredibly happy and we shared the horses care etc, he loved them as much as me and they were our greatest pleasure in life.

It's not easy, but try to be happy with what you have. Don't force him into a job he hates. I agree with maybe picking up a few evening hours, even if it's just shelf stacking or similar, it would make a big difference.

I would say that really and honestly you don't need a big 4x4 and, I assume, a trailer. They are luxuries that you can ill afford. Ride where you are and stop hauling him/her around. That's a big expense and you could save a lot by selling both and having a small economical car.

[adaline]

What are your outgoings (including your horse) and what are you both earning?

Get those two figures written down, look at the difference and see where you can save money. £25 a week on a horse is still £100 a month which is a fair amount of money - it could pay for a weekly food shop, for example.

My thought is if you're struggling to pay your rent, can you really justify £100 on a horse, and girly weekends away?

[category12]

Realistically, if you live in an economically deprived area where a lot of jobs are seasonal(?), what would his job prospects be? I mean, he's done the same unskilled work for 11 years. Would he be likely to find something that earns reliably and enough, and that he'd be happy in? You wouldn't find much benefit in him no longer having flexibility and miserable into the bargain, but more money.

It seems like you are the one with better prospects and the ambition to pursue them.

I don't think it would be unreasonable to expect him to find a side-line or part-time job (maybe zero hours contract for flexibility?) to work alongside his current one so he's reliably bringing in his share of the money to pay the bills and to put away for a pension. But I don't get the impression he's motivated by the same things you are, so you kinda have to accept that, if you're going to stay together.

[poppiesinafield]

What happens is I get upset and say that we shouldn't be in this position any more, he says he will sort it out, he makes an effort for about a week and then it goes back to the way it was. I am not talking about wanting to live a high life, just be able to pay our rent and bills and have a bit left over for nice things! Which if his job wasn't so unreliable, we would!

[category12]

Poor OP can't be expected to cut everything she enjoys away.

[continuallychargingmyphone]

Sorry but someone has to … if this was a man posting …

[category12]

How do you mean he makes an effort for about a week? Is he actually able to work more than he does, but chooses not to?

[poppiesinafield]

My girly weekend away was to Badminton horse trials and it cost about £100 (once the cost of the camping ticket and fuel was divided between us) plus food/drink which we took. In 11 years this is the only girly weekend I've ever been on unless you count my hen do 8 years ago...

With regards to the 4x4 it does actually benefit the family as we use it for camping trips when we go. I of course understand that this is an expense, but I do pay for it with extra shifts that I work ON TOP of my full and fair contributions to family finances.

[poppiesinafield]

So he makes an effort and goes and works in the rain basically, but under protest. It can't be very nice for him to do that either (who wants to work in the rain)

[RussianSpamBot]

So what sort of effort does he make? Working elsewhere? Because the way you describe his main job, the lack of money is because of the weather, ie not something he can solve by working harder. If there is other work he can do easily on days it's raining and he has easy access to it, then yes I think he should be doing it.