DH and his lack of ambition

[poppiesinafield]

I don't even know where to begin but I think I need some help picking apart my feelings before I explode. I have been with DH for 11 years this summer, married for 8. 2 DDs, my older DD 17 from previous relationship, and our DD 8.

My DH is a kind and caring man, he is a good dad, he is considerate towards me, doesn't go out, has never cheated, does his fair share of the housework etc. We don't argue and I would describe our relationship as good on a day to day basis.

BUT, he has worked in the same job (think unskilled, outdoor type job, quite weather dependent) for the entire time we have been together and there is no sign of it changing - he doesn't earn much more than what he did 11 years ago when we met and our income is CONSTANTLY affected by the weather. To give him his due, he is often up early (5am) and works long days but the reality is he very rarely earns a full weeks wages BECAUSE WHEN DO WE EVER GET A FULL WEEK OF DRY WEATHER IN THE UK! His friends locally are all starting to get to the point of doing better in their jobs, having mortgages and better cars. Not that I'm bothered about that sort of stuff really but I am tired of struggling all the time.

From my point of view, when we met I was in the final year of my degree. We then had DD and I worked part time for a bit - at this point I decided against training to be a teacher and now I work in the NHS - my pay isn't amazing but I have the option to pick up extra shifts which I often do and am now in the position where I am certainly earning more than my DH. I often attend training and can see that I will be able to work myself up to better paid positions over the coming years.

This week, after the few bits and bobs that have had to be paid for, DH has £100 left which is meant to have to see us through for a week. This is a regular occurrence when we have a rainy week and puts us back constantly. It means I am now probably going to have to pick up an extra shift tomorrow after I have worked all week. We are meant to be saving for a holiday in August, not one penny has been put back, it will be me working extra shifts that pays for the bulk of it I expect.

Just for clarity I have a horse which I know is classed as an expensive hobby although I keep it as low cost as possible, and I have a large (cheap and old!) 4x4 to tow her around with. But I pay for that out of all the extra shifts I work and feel entitled to it, my main wages go in the joint account for bills, food etc and I don't really touch them.

We have had conversations in the recent past (arguments!) where I have said I am unhappy with this situation and didn't think that after 11 years nothing would have changed where he has said he will try harder, but here we are again skint because he hasn't worked enough. It's actually his birthday on Monday too and we can't afford to go out or anything this weekend. It's just a bit sad really ☹️

I agree with PP, he's lazy. He's happy to drift along, knowing you will work hard enough to pay the bills and he can fob you off with excuses. If I had to give me DH the silent treatment to make him go to work, I would lose all respect for him. That's a child, not a man. He's not going to change, OP - do you really want to put up with this?

Everyone can lay off about the horse as well. OP has got a cheap livery, which is the biggest expense when keeping a horse, and some breeds are very cheap to keep. She is willing to work extra shifts and cut back on other luxuries, so she can spend her money on what she pleases. Especially when she is paying all the bills! Trailer costs?! Mine costs me £100 a yer to be serviced! And if you live in a very rural area then you need a 4x4 to ensure you can get into work every day in the winter. Mine cost me 3,000 and it's a work horse that does the job of a tractor on our fields as well. There are people on here that probably spend £25 a week on takeaway coffee, this is how the OP chooses to spend hers. Life shouldn't an endurance test. As long as bills are paid and no one in the family is going short to pay for a partner's hobby, it's no one else's business. If they are short the rent this month, it's because her DH has to PRESSURED to go to work!

Is he employed or self-employed? If employed, is he on a zero-contract? What does it say about pay? Because there are plenty of gardening-type jobs (if that’s what he does) that are not zero-hours.

Most self-employed gardeners around here do painting in the winter.

Until this month I was the breadwinner and I also have a horse, my job is demanding, stressful and high pressure. If someone told me I had to get rid of my one and only lifesaving pleasure so that my OH could stay in a steady, easy low pressure job for the rest of his life I would see that as unfair. I also do extra work to pay for my horse the extra I do is more that how much the horse costs. For 2 months of the year I work 2 jobs at the same time working basically 18 hours 7 days a week but it brings in £7k extra per year.... I therefore feel I deserve to have a hobby I can use to help deal with the stress of life.

Would MN say any different if sexes were reversed?

If this was a guy complaining about struggling to make ends meet because his wife won't work full time, and was unwilling to give up his £100+/month golfing hobby... There would literally be murder here.

Except that's not what this is - this guy is choosing not to go to work when it doesn't suit him. He picks and chooses his hours and expects his partner to pick up the slack.

It's the unreliability. If they'd agreed that he work part-time and she be the main breadwinner, then that would be fine. But they're both supposed to be pulling their weight financially.

And if the husband in the reversed scenario was picking up extra work specifically to cover the costs of his hobby, it'd clearly be unfair to expect him to give it up so his wife could stay in when it rains.

We did well to get 100 posts in before this turned into whether we'd say the same thing if the sexes were reversed.

Considering the vitriol toward any woman that doesn't work full time on here once her child can sit up, no, I don't think it it would be any different if the sexes were reversed.

We did well to get 100 posts in before this turned into whether we'd say the same thing if the sexes were reversed.

I actually mentioned something in regards to this on page 2. Because if you have read the original post, it does look like OP is the main earner in this family.
I did ask about childcare, but OP was vague about it. The fact that she is working shifts, may have something to to with the husband's "missing ambition" .

@ylvamoon - agree. The DPs of shiftworkers also have to pick up slack because they do the whole weekend of childcare and nights/lates. DH does a lot of extra admin and childcare because I work shifts.

They are in low-paid jobs, rent and don’t have much pension provision. If I read the OP correctly, a hundred pounds is what they have left over to tide them through each month. This will fall when any CB or tax credits come to an end, if they receive them. Sorry, but I think that they are actually in quite a precarious position.

They need to take a critical look at what is coming in and going out of the household by drawing up an overall household budget, which includes luxury expenditure for each person.

Maybe buy him some highly effective waterproof clothing for his birthday? Seriously though, if he chooses to do this job in preference to something indoors, then he needs to man up and accept that he has to work in all weathers (and if he CHOOSES not to work on a rainy weekday, then he makes up for it at the weekend)

I am sympathetic op - it is shit living on the bones of your arse and working lots of extra hours just to make ends meet.

I think you need to cut away all of the distracting elements to this problem and look at the issue that's at the heart of it:

Your dp doesn't earn enough for you both to live comfortably and without financial stress and you can't increase your earnings anymore than you already have.

I would calculate his annual earnings (be realistic) and compare them to a job he could get which isn't weather dependent.

If he won't get that job then you have a choice to make. Don't let him him fob you off with promises of trying harder.

I don't think OP's objections are unreasonable. Her Dh needs to diversify.
There are tonnes of things he could offer to do:
In the rain. Alongside his other job.
Window cleaning, clearing gutters, spray cleaning patios. All easy to do minimal set up fees.

So. What job does he actually do?

So he's depending on you when he retires? That leaves him vulnerable and you under pressure.

Does he have a state pension?

He'll never be ambitious, but he could work harder.

Do you work 50 hours a week on average and he works how many? 20? 30?

How do you want things to work financially? 50/50 split? or you pay for your horse and 50/50 split the rest?

I think you need to ask for what you want. If DH works 20 hours in a job he enjoys and you work 50 hours on a job you don't enjoy that seems quite inequitable. Maybe ask your DH what he thinks would be fairer.

I also think that you are hugely underestimating the costs of owning your horse so maybe revisit this - did you include food and board, shoes, clipping, vet bills, vehicle costs, insurance etc.

It's really difficult to say whether the OP is being unreasonable without knowing:

-how many hours she works a week
-how many hours her DH works a week
-how much each of them earns
-how much her horse, horse food, horsebox, stable hands, 4x4, etc. cost.

But she has been oddly unforthcoming with any of this. 'Til then, all we can do is idly dismiss her DH as lazy, in the usual way...

I would stop whinnying like your horse, it sounds as though you have a good husband there, despite what you call his lack of ambition.
After reading about loads of horrible menfolk on here,I think your man sounds great.!

I'm with you Op. lack of motivation and ambition to do a bit better is an incredibly unattractive quality in anyone. I've a friend who is on a minimum wage job for year which she hates. She complains endlessly about it but has never done a course or anything to give herself a chance of improving things. She just complains. After 5 years no one listens to her anymore on that .
I think he needs to look for a new job and pull his weight

The horse is definitely a red herring. If OP is working 50 hours s week then she should definitely be having some me time and something for her. I'm guessing her husband only works 20-30 hours a week and less in the winter. He is choosing to do this after all, as his occupation whatever it is then he can do in the rain if he so chooses. It’s not fair that she’s basically carrying them

So he doesn't work FT. PMSL at won't work when it rains, in the UK.

If he worked full time then our earnings would be on a par with each other, his hours can vary so massively but I reckon average maybe 30 hours. I took home about 20k last year. He definitely earned a lot less. I probably have underestimated what my horse costs but I really do it on the bare minimum and she is my sanity! I'm really not interested in anything else hobby wise. And yes upkeep of my 4x4 costs but we all benefit from having it, and I also have paid for all of the upkeep of it from the extra shifts I do!

In terms of extra effort around shifts, the OP says most of her extra ones are overnight, and DH has the option to work on Saturday or Sunday but generally doesn't. She also states that DD is in wraparound, so it doesn't appear that he's carrying extra load in terms of childcare etc because of her job pattern.