DH and his lack of ambition

[poppiesinafield]

I don't even know where to begin but I think I need some help picking apart my feelings before I explode. I have been with DH for 11 years this summer, married for 8. 2 DDs, my older DD 17 from previous relationship, and our DD 8.

My DH is a kind and caring man, he is a good dad, he is considerate towards me, doesn't go out, has never cheated, does his fair share of the housework etc. We don't argue and I would describe our relationship as good on a day to day basis.

BUT, he has worked in the same job (think unskilled, outdoor type job, quite weather dependent) for the entire time we have been together and there is no sign of it changing - he doesn't earn much more than what he did 11 years ago when we met and our income is CONSTANTLY affected by the weather. To give him his due, he is often up early (5am) and works long days but the reality is he very rarely earns a full weeks wages BECAUSE WHEN DO WE EVER GET A FULL WEEK OF DRY WEATHER IN THE UK! His friends locally are all starting to get to the point of doing better in their jobs, having mortgages and better cars. Not that I'm bothered about that sort of stuff really but I am tired of struggling all the time.

From my point of view, when we met I was in the final year of my degree. We then had DD and I worked part time for a bit - at this point I decided against training to be a teacher and now I work in the NHS - my pay isn't amazing but I have the option to pick up extra shifts which I often do and am now in the position where I am certainly earning more than my DH. I often attend training and can see that I will be able to work myself up to better paid positions over the coming years.

This week, after the few bits and bobs that have had to be paid for, DH has £100 left which is meant to have to see us through for a week. This is a regular occurrence when we have a rainy week and puts us back constantly. It means I am now probably going to have to pick up an extra shift tomorrow after I have worked all week. We are meant to be saving for a holiday in August, not one penny has been put back, it will be me working extra shifts that pays for the bulk of it I expect.

Just for clarity I have a horse which I know is classed as an expensive hobby although I keep it as low cost as possible, and I have a large (cheap and old!) 4x4 to tow her around with. But I pay for that out of all the extra shifts I work and feel entitled to it, my main wages go in the joint account for bills, food etc and I don't really touch them.

We have had conversations in the recent past (arguments!) where I have said I am unhappy with this situation and didn't think that after 11 years nothing would have changed where he has said he will try harder, but here we are again skint because he hasn't worked enough. It's actually his birthday on Monday too and we can't afford to go out or anything this weekend. It's just a bit sad really ☹️

[BarrenFieldofFucks]

Define "up her game"?

[Myheartbelongsto]

You give up the horse for starters and as for you being entitled, well your dh is entitled to do a job his enjoys.

Can you imagine the responses if a man came on saying this and he was entitled. There'd be uproar but luckily for you you're a woman so the majority will be on your side.

Mumsnet is batshit sometimes.

[category12]

It's not the case we're telling her he needs to give up a job he enjoys, he just has to do his job reliably. Currently he's not doing it if it rains and he's not picking up missed hours when he could, leaving op to pick up his slack. Which is hugely unfair.

If it was reversed, and the woman was saying she should just be able to go to work when it suited her, I very much doubt the replies would be different.

[Treesthemovie]

How many hours a week is he working? If he is working 10 then I would be on your side, 30 not so much. He does not owe you a higher paying job when he is happy with the job he's in.
Having a horse is a very expensive and time consuming hobby as well...how much of your wages go on the horse alone? I bet you wouldn't be happy if he told you you had to give up the horse.

[mrsm43s]

You earn £20k and he earns £15k.

You pay for your horse and your girly holidays and presumably your elder daughter out of your £20k, and then put the rest in the household pot?

I would say that you are both contributing fairly equally to the household. You say he does his fair share of housework etc too.

So really, it is he or she who wants more who needs to earn more.

I'm not sure that, if I was already contributing as much as my DH to joint expenses, that I would be happy for him to ask me to find a better job to pay more in than him so that we could afford luxuries that only he wanted.

And £20pa full time for a degree educated person with 10 years work experience is a very poor salary indeed. I don't think it is only OP's DH who lacks ambition...

[RussianSpamBot]

People are entitled to jobs they enjoy, really? Some folk don't enjoy any jobs!

[Treesthemovie]

@RussianSpamBot exactly and that's why it's unfair to ask someone to give up a job they do enjoy, so someone else can have a horse.

[HeckyPeck]

Maybe read the thread trees?

OP isn’t asking him to give up his job just to actually go rather than sit at home playing on the PlayStation.

OP works extra shifts to pay for her horse and works double the amount of hours he does some weeks!

[category12]

Again, he wouldn't have to leave the job he enjoys, if he actually did the job reliably.

If he worked say 30hrs and OP worked her set hours of 30hrs, they would probably have enough living money. OP could work her extra shifts to pay for the extra things she wants, like the horse.

But because he frequently works less hours because of rain (when he could actually work in the rain according to the OP), nor makes the missed hours up (which he could do, but rarely does), instead OP is working extra shifts to make up his shortfall.

[outreach29]

What's his job??? {can't be bothered to read 9 pages to find out )

[RussianSpamBot]

Yeah, OP is asking him to work more, not give up what he's doing. He could easily carry on doing what he does now and look into supplementing it with some carpet cleaning.

[mrsm43s]

OP is actually asking him to bring home £26k as his joint contribution while she contributes just £20k to cover her joint contribution plus the eldest daughters costs plus her horse. And by all accounts he does his fair share of housework/child related stuff, so its not as though OP is restricted because of that.

I just don't understand why it is he who must earn more when it is OP who wants more. (Don't get me wrong, I'd want more too, but I wouldn't see it as someone else's job to provide it.) It feels a bit as though neither of them are ambitious or reaching their full potential, but OP blames her DH for something that they are both failing at. Surely the first step if she is unhappy is for her to look to progress her career so that she can bring in more money. If she is bringing in £20K pa for the 50 hours per week she states, then she is in a near minimum wage job. For someone with a degree, it should be easy to pretty much double that with a bit of determination and application, particularly in the NHS who has a policy of supporting training and promoting from within.

[RussianSpamBot]

She hasn't specifically said she wants him to bring home 26k. She says he would earn 26k if he worked 5 days a week in his current role, but has also mentioned other options, and we don't know whether carpet cleaning would offer a similar rate or not. For all we know it might be worse paid, we only know that the hourly return is quite good, which could mean a lot of things. She has simply said that she wants him to earn more.

[HeckyPeck]

I just don't understand why it is he who must earn more when it is OP who wants more.

He’s not even covering half the expenses as when things go wrong and need fixing it’s OP who has to work extra shifts to pay for them.

If he worked when he could then it wouldn’t be all falling on OP.

He doesn’t have a pension and is planning on living off OP’s.

OP should work harder when she already does 50 hours a week, but he’s fine doing barely 30 because he can’t be arsed. That makes no sense!

[category12]

OP isn't asking him to bring in £26K, it's what he could earn.

It's the erratic nature of his income that's the problem. He's not bothered if he doesn't work much one week, because OP always picks up the slack. I agree that if OP wants extra things and he's a homebody who doesn't much care if they never have holidays or go out, then she's never going to motivate him to earn more and why would he.

But when it's that he's not actually paying his way, and everything she strives to do is undercut by the fact he'll stay home if it's raining, it's really not fair. He ought to make sure he earns his share of the bills each week, not expect OP to cover it out of her earnings.

[prawnsword]

The horse is the only one in this situation who won’t mind working in the rain.
The OP has another daughter & a horse so it makes sense that she works more to support her extras. They have bigger house requirements & running a luxury hobby because of her life choices. How is that his responsibility ?

He can hardly know exactly when it is going to rain, so it does not make sense to say offhand ‘we’ll he should do carpet cleaning as well’ - how can he set up appointments when he doesn’t know what the rainy days will be ?

The OP here is being stubborn as a mule because she wants to give up her horse about as much as a cyclist wants to give up their bike. I would be keen to see a running cost of the horse & SUV here. Is the horse stabled? I am getting the feeling the OP does not want to go into more detail about the costs of the horse because when laid bare it is obvious the horse is champagne taste on a beer budget.

[Sleephead1]

what does he do ? I originally thought window cleaner my husband has relatives who do this when it's hot and they work all week they can make ok money but then have huge amounts of time they are skint due to weather. My husband could of got one of them a job with him. That's just factory work but full time plus overtime he earned 23k last year ( which for factory work in our area isnt bad) but they wouldn't as they like the fact they work short days and also take time off when they want to. They often don't work a full week for other reasons. What do you do in the NHS ? I only do admin in a surgery part time but I've just put my hourly rate in and if I worked 50 hours is get 23k could you try and negotiate a pay rise ? Are you just getting your normal rate for night shifts? Are they options for you to move up in your dept? I think your husband has to either find a part time job e.g. delivery driver, bar work 2 nights a week so he has some steady income or he works full time rain or shine or he looks for a full time job somewhere else.

[Hotpinkangel19]

I'm wondering why you're deliberately not disclosing what DH does as a job, despite being asked umpteen times?????

[RussianSpamBot]

He can hardly know exactly when it is going to rain, so it does not make sense to say offhand ‘we’ll he should do carpet cleaning as well’ - how can he set up appointments when he doesn’t know what the rainy days will be?

Quite easily, because he isn't restricted to only carpet cleaning in the rain. He isn't currently spending all his time either in his main job or being prevented from doing his main job because it's raining. He could offer his services in the evenings or at weekends, after all OP doesn't work all weekend and maybe she could cut down on her overtime if he did that. Or he could have a set day each week, or offer it in the winter only, since OP has said things are particularly tough in the winter. It would at least be a guaranteed income: after all, if he's a rain averse outside worker, there are going to be some weeks where the weather is so bad he won't make anything at all.

[HeckyPeck]

I can’t believe that people have such low standards that they’d be happy for their partner to decide not to work when it rains (even though she’s said many times it is a job that can be done in the rain he just doesn’t want to) and to sit at home on the PS4 instead.

He doesn’t even earn enough to have any savings for emergencies. It’s all left to OP to do extra shifts.

Bunch of mugs to think that’s fine!

[mcmooberry]

I would find this intolerable too! You keep your horse OP, you deserve it!!