DH and his lack of ambition

[poppiesinafield]

I don't even know where to begin but I think I need some help picking apart my feelings before I explode. I have been with DH for 11 years this summer, married for 8. 2 DDs, my older DD 17 from previous relationship, and our DD 8.

My DH is a kind and caring man, he is a good dad, he is considerate towards me, doesn't go out, has never cheated, does his fair share of the housework etc. We don't argue and I would describe our relationship as good on a day to day basis.

BUT, he has worked in the same job (think unskilled, outdoor type job, quite weather dependent) for the entire time we have been together and there is no sign of it changing - he doesn't earn much more than what he did 11 years ago when we met and our income is CONSTANTLY affected by the weather. To give him his due, he is often up early (5am) and works long days but the reality is he very rarely earns a full weeks wages BECAUSE WHEN DO WE EVER GET A FULL WEEK OF DRY WEATHER IN THE UK! His friends locally are all starting to get to the point of doing better in their jobs, having mortgages and better cars. Not that I'm bothered about that sort of stuff really but I am tired of struggling all the time.

From my point of view, when we met I was in the final year of my degree. We then had DD and I worked part time for a bit - at this point I decided against training to be a teacher and now I work in the NHS - my pay isn't amazing but I have the option to pick up extra shifts which I often do and am now in the position where I am certainly earning more than my DH. I often attend training and can see that I will be able to work myself up to better paid positions over the coming years.

This week, after the few bits and bobs that have had to be paid for, DH has £100 left which is meant to have to see us through for a week. This is a regular occurrence when we have a rainy week and puts us back constantly. It means I am now probably going to have to pick up an extra shift tomorrow after I have worked all week. We are meant to be saving for a holiday in August, not one penny has been put back, it will be me working extra shifts that pays for the bulk of it I expect.

Just for clarity I have a horse which I know is classed as an expensive hobby although I keep it as low cost as possible, and I have a large (cheap and old!) 4x4 to tow her around with. But I pay for that out of all the extra shifts I work and feel entitled to it, my main wages go in the joint account for bills, food etc and I don't really touch them.

We have had conversations in the recent past (arguments!) where I have said I am unhappy with this situation and didn't think that after 11 years nothing would have changed where he has said he will try harder, but here we are again skint because he hasn't worked enough. It's actually his birthday on Monday too and we can't afford to go out or anything this weekend. It's just a bit sad really ☹️

[thedancingbear]

Reading between the lines, the DH is probably working an average of 35 hours a week, the OP probably averages 40 (I presume that she doesn't take extra shifts every week). When she does do extra shifts, the DH covers childcare. Neither job is much above the minimum wage. Alongside all this the OP wants to keep a horse and run an SUV.

I'm not seeing a clear picture of the OP being hard-working and responsible and the husband being lackadaisical.

I'd add- I worked for a while doing a principally-outdoors job. When it rained (and I mean properly rained, as opposed to the odd shower or a bit of drizzle) it was fucking miserable. The freezing water got inside your clothes, in your ears and nose, inside your fucking underwear so that you chafed, you shivered and when you got home you couldn't get warm. sometimes it would make me ill. The OP knew what her husband did for a living when they met and for her to expect him to go through all that shit because horses just doesn't wash for me.

[RussianSpamBot]

Regardless of the wisdom and reasonableness of expecting to be an adult with a child to support in an outdoors job that you only want to do in decent weather, in the UK, the OP has pointed out that there are other sidelines DH could potentially get into. Indoor ones. She mentions carpet cleaning upthread. He's just chosen not to.

I'd agree this is something that ought to have been addressed long before they made the financial commitment of starting a family together, and nor would I keep a horse on such a low income. But he's still choosing to keep earnings very low for the amount of time his job is booking out, and refusing to look into less weather dependent sidelines. That is pretty lackadaisical.

[Pinkmouse6]

I left my exH because of this. It wasn’t the only reason but it was most definitely the biggest. I got a degree and a career during our marriage, he just remained in retail jobs and had absolutely no desire whatsoever to change that. I can’t tell you how many times we argued or had lengthy conversations about the fact he was only earning half my salary, he was working long hours in fast food joints and didn’t he want more from life. Nope, he just refused to change. He also refused to learn how to drive which was another bug bear of mine because I was his taxi...

Fast forward six years since we separated, he’s still in the same position! Nothing changed at all, still works for slightly more than minimum wage in retail and still doesn’t drive!

Some people just have seemingly zero ambition or drive, I don’t have an answer other than to say leaving was the best thing I did.

[EspressoX10]

Who does the childcare and housework?

[donajimena]

I can't believe people think she should get rid of the horse so lazy arse husband can continue to coast.

[Subeccoo]

Dh is self employed as a window cleaner. He saves indoor work for rain, he does big contracts for businesses, estate agents for example and never has to advertise for work as constantly picks up new jobs when he's doing houses. He works as soon as the sun is up and until it goes down some days. He works most Saturdays too, just for the morning. The winter is cold but he's got all he needs to cope.
He brings home equal to me, about 27k so where we are in east anglia we manage well on our joint income. So, I have no problem at all with his job and he loves being physical and outdoors.
I wouldn't have married him if he didn't have such a strong work ethic!

[Subeccoo]

Posted too soon - I'm assuming your dh is a wndow cleaner or similar - it would drive me mad if mine was like that, presumably he is self employed? He just needs to work more!!

[Ella1980]

My fiancé has no ambition and earns £24k pa-I know this will never change! I am a qualified teacher with 15 years' experience currently working ft as a TA on minimum wage as ridiculous cuts in school budgets mean that they can only afford in the main to employ newly qualified teachers.

I have two kids half of the time and no other income. So yes, it does annoy me a bit that fiancé at 43 (incredibly intelligent) has no drive and screwed up at uni.

But a horse?!! I can't afford a haircut!!!

[MaybeDoctor]

It isn't a case of get rid of the horse or DH steps up his game.

They probably need to do both if they are not going to be constantly scratching around for money towards the end of the month.

[HeckyPeck]

It isn't a case of get rid of the horse or DH steps up his game.

They probably need to do both if they are not going to be constantly scratching around for money towards the end of the month.

No they don’t. If he worked full time that would bring in over £900 extra every month. They make ends meet now so with an extra £900 there would be plenty and no reason at all for OP to give up her one hobby.

[prawnsword]

How many of you know how expensive a hobby having a horse is ?
Sell the horse & go riding when you can on someone else’s. Whether or not your husband is as lazy is you say, you just can’t afford such an expensive hobby. It’s a want not a need. I think deep down you resent your husband because he doesn’t make enough to support your hobby & get by with your bills & life running costs. But at the end of the day you aren’t living within your means & blaming him, which is your choice.

[category12]

Sell the horse & go riding when you can on someone else’s.

Yeah right . So many people are desperate for people to just come and ride their horses for free.

I don't see why the dh gets a pass to work when he feels like it, but op has to give up the horse she works hard for. If he paid his share of the bills, they wouldn't be sailing so close to the wind all the time.

[prawnsword]

Fairly certain if this was reversed people would be suggesting the husband sells his expensive hobby equipment because priorities

Also horses are loads of work & plenty of unpaid horsehand / feeding / time with horses can easily be found. Many people choose to have their horses agisted elsewhere (ie the horse doesn’t live with you) so it’s not like asking someone to give up their beloved dog / cat. Horse ownership is a serious thing & it is a luxury that not everyone can afford. I used to live on an agistment property outside of Sydney so I understand our horse culture may have it’s differences...but much like cyclists, Horsy people are their own unique breed. Both can be hardheaded & uncompromising about their very expensive hobbies imo

[category12]

Um, no, horses can be like family. And I have long experience of horsy types (family) and what it takes to keep a horse. It really isn't simple to find the right fit, or horse to ride. Of course horse ownership is a serious thing. And it's a choice and a lifestyle that Op is pursuing through her own efforts.

It's his failure to pay his way (won't work in the rain and won't catch up his hours unless pushed) that's the problem. Why should the op give up her dream cos he can't be arsed?

[HeckyPeck]

I have a horse and like fuck would I give it up if my husband decided he couldn’t be bothered to work enough to pay his way!

He’s depriving the family of £11k a year because he can’t be arsed to work full time!

How can anyone think that’s ok? And seriously suggest that instead of him stopping being lazy she should give up her only hobby that she works extra hours to pay for. Ridiculous

[ScrewBalls99]

I might get flamed for this. But your family pot of money is a team effort in my opinion.

If you are skint then surely horse should be first priority to resolve situation.

Then, if you are still short then you both

[eddielizzard]

So he could work in the rain, he just doesn't choose to?

[ScrewBalls99]

Then after cut costs as much as possible, next step you both look to upskill and change jobs to improve income.

Surely you both need to step up to the task, not just him

[ScrewBalls99]

How much do you earn each?

How much are your hobbies versus his?

Are kids at school full-time?

[category12]

So you think it's reasonable to make Op sacrifice her hobby in order to continue working 50hrs a week to cover her dh's shortfall when he can't be bothered to go to work in the rain or make up his lost hours, while he continues to enjoy his preferred lifestyle and suffers no similar loss. Yeah 🔥 🔥.

[ScrewBalls99]

How many hours a week do you work versus him?

[category12]

You might wanna read some of the thread back for answers to those.

[ScrewBalls99]

It does look to me that OP isn't happy and I totally get it. But I'm not sure how you can change someone's drive/outlook.

I think neither are high earners. I get OP earning more.

But, what do you want to do about it OP?

[ScrewBalls99]

I think you need to get on the same page somehow with joint goals?

If he's lovely otherwise accept what he brings to the table is not just financial and maybe up your game?

[HeckyPeck]

If he's lovely otherwise accept what he brings to the table is not just financial and maybe up your game?

OP needs to up her game? Maybe you should read the thread.

He can work full time but just doesn’t want to work on rainy days or make up the time on non-rainy days.

If he worked when he’s supposed to there’s be an extra £900 a month. But he should just continue to work as little as he pleases and stay home playing on his PlayStation whilst OP ups her game.

Absolute rubbish!