DH and his lack of ambition

[poppiesinafield]

I don't even know where to begin but I think I need some help picking apart my feelings before I explode. I have been with DH for 11 years this summer, married for 8. 2 DDs, my older DD 17 from previous relationship, and our DD 8.

My DH is a kind and caring man, he is a good dad, he is considerate towards me, doesn't go out, has never cheated, does his fair share of the housework etc. We don't argue and I would describe our relationship as good on a day to day basis.

BUT, he has worked in the same job (think unskilled, outdoor type job, quite weather dependent) for the entire time we have been together and there is no sign of it changing - he doesn't earn much more than what he did 11 years ago when we met and our income is CONSTANTLY affected by the weather. To give him his due, he is often up early (5am) and works long days but the reality is he very rarely earns a full weeks wages BECAUSE WHEN DO WE EVER GET A FULL WEEK OF DRY WEATHER IN THE UK! His friends locally are all starting to get to the point of doing better in their jobs, having mortgages and better cars. Not that I'm bothered about that sort of stuff really but I am tired of struggling all the time.

From my point of view, when we met I was in the final year of my degree. We then had DD and I worked part time for a bit - at this point I decided against training to be a teacher and now I work in the NHS - my pay isn't amazing but I have the option to pick up extra shifts which I often do and am now in the position where I am certainly earning more than my DH. I often attend training and can see that I will be able to work myself up to better paid positions over the coming years.

This week, after the few bits and bobs that have had to be paid for, DH has £100 left which is meant to have to see us through for a week. This is a regular occurrence when we have a rainy week and puts us back constantly. It means I am now probably going to have to pick up an extra shift tomorrow after I have worked all week. We are meant to be saving for a holiday in August, not one penny has been put back, it will be me working extra shifts that pays for the bulk of it I expect.

Just for clarity I have a horse which I know is classed as an expensive hobby although I keep it as low cost as possible, and I have a large (cheap and old!) 4x4 to tow her around with. But I pay for that out of all the extra shifts I work and feel entitled to it, my main wages go in the joint account for bills, food etc and I don't really touch them.

We have had conversations in the recent past (arguments!) where I have said I am unhappy with this situation and didn't think that after 11 years nothing would have changed where he has said he will try harder, but here we are again skint because he hasn't worked enough. It's actually his birthday on Monday too and we can't afford to go out or anything this weekend. It's just a bit sad really ☹️

Your rent, not tournament!

He sounds like a nice man, but a bit set in his ways and possibly lazy. I agree with a pp who said you need to work out how much he needs to earn a week, and he needs to bring that in, rain or shine. If the weather genuinely prevents that he needs a second part time job.

Well if he could work on a Saturday and/or Sunday to make up for the rained off days, that would help surely. He should be doing that every week.

So he makes an effort and goes and works in the rain basically, but under protest. It can't be very nice for him to do that either (who wants to work in the rain)

You probably don’t want to work 50 hours a week in a job you don’t love, but he doesn’t seem to care about that.

He’s somehow managed to make you feel sorry for him for having to work a job he “loves” in the rain, when he’s quite happy for you to pick up the slack working extra shifts and far more hours than him in a job you don’t love.

He doesn’t have a lack of ambition, he’s just plain lazy. He’ll continue to be lazy because he’s happy for you to pick up the slack, then making a token effort which earns him your sympathy every so often.

Well said, heckypeck

Well I'm intrigued by this alpha beta thing...that sounds like a way of letting men not have to do certain things. Oh you do childcare, don't worry about earning much. Oh you are a go getter, of course you don't do the dishes darling. BS, is there an equivalent for women? Or are just expected to do both now? Or worse still are you going so say we're largely betas...

I personally expect my husband to do 50/50 housework, childcare, not cheat on me (I know, I know I'm so demanding like that) AND bring in a decent wage. As I do. It's not fucking difficult.

Your OP is quite misleading.

If he can work in the rain then he should! My DH has an outdoor job and he does it rain or shine. The only time he doesn't is if it's really icy and therefore genuinely too dangerous - then he often has jobs he can do inside.

I've only known him to have a day off due to the weather twice in three and a half years. He made the time up elsewhere.

The problem isn't his lack of ambition or even that he's content to just "get by", it's that OP is expected to ensure the "getting by"!

It's not a case of one partner taking responsibility for the financial side while the other is responsible for childcare and home - in that situation each is making an equally valid contribution. He's not doing his fair share at all which leaves OP to pick up the slack. If he was pulling his weight financially then they could manage with OP just working her contracted hours with the occasional shift to cover optional extras.

OP I think you must realise he's never going to be ambitious but you're entitled to expect him to contribute his fair share. When you speak to him you need to frame your points not around "look what we could have/do if you earned more" because he's obviously not especially bothered about wanting more. I think you need to be clear about how unfair it is that if he only contributes 30/40% then he leaves you with no choice but to contribute 60/70%.

What does he do? Is it window-cleaning?

I had the same problem with my ex husband in that he had no interest in money & painted me as the bad guy who was too materialistic. I found watching all of our friends except us buying houses & moving on very hard.
He never changed, we divorced a few years ago & I do feel that he dragged me down financially.
I think it will just run along the same with your husband unless you take a stand & really mean it.

Don’t give up your lovely horse if it’s the one luxury you have when you work so hard!

He sounds lazy and financially incompetent. Of course he needs to make the time up if he gets rained off. He shouldn’t be relying on you to run yourself into the ground to plug any financial gaps. I don’t think this is about lack of ambition, it’s laziness and shirking of responsibility.

I had the same problem with my ex husband in that he had no interest in money & painted me as the bad guy who was too materialistic.

My first DH was like this. He also smoked weed all the time, which definitely eroded all his ambition.

On the one hand it’s a bit of a case of the pot callingthe kettle black but on the other hand you aren’t as bad as he is and it does seem like he is refusing to work in the expectation that you will pick up the slack rather than both working a bit harder to both make a bit more money.

Let me guess OP, he claims to be one of those that 'isn't bothered about money' yet is happy for you to work all hours to pay essential bills?

He needs a new job but you can't afford the horse either

He needs a new job but you can't afford the horse either

OP works extra shifts to pay for her horse, not to mention extra shifts to cover joint expenses because he won’t work in the rain.

If he worked rain or shine there would be no problem.

Why should OP have to give up her only hobby because he is a lazy arse?

Wait, so he can do his job in the rain, he just doesn't want to?! It's not like it's cold at the moment. What's the problem with working in the rain?!

She can afford the horse: she works extra shifts for it. Why should she give it up because her dh thinks he'll melt in a bit of rain?

He needs to step up his game so he actually works enough to pay his share of the bills.

I think that you had a fairly good idea of who he was when you married him. You can't suddenly now expect him to change to be a different type of man. But it wouldn't be unreasonable to ask him to develop a sideline or other work, that can slot in when the weather is wet.

Man and Van?
Oven cleaning?

We use a gardener and he will often try to work 'ahead' of himself, so will try to get an extra place done on Tuesday if the weather is forecast to be wet on Wednesday. He sometimes sits outside in his van at 8.00 waiting for me to leave the house so that they can get started! He has his faults, but you can't fault his work ethic and willingness to get it done.

I also think that you need to take a really honest view of the horse expenses, as I think that £25 per week is likely to be understating her actual costs. You have had the horse a long time and love her, I understand that, but it honestly doesn't sound like you can afford to keep her on your income. You need to sit down and add up the annual costs too. Vet, teeth, shoes, insurance on the 4 x 4, horse-box maintenance. In a couple of years your DD may be wanting support at university or getting started in life and your younger DD's expenses are only going to go up too.

Put it another way - would you buy a horse today on your current income if you didn't already have her?

Hope your situation improves.

How much does your horse cost?

Both of you need to work out joint regular expenditures. First put money aside for rent and food and bills. If you are running short each month you are not putting in enough to the joint account (you need to put in more than u think it will cost, so you do not run out).

Then calculate yearly expenditure (eg car service/insurance) and divide this over 12 - need to over budget too to anticipate breakdowns.

Only after these are paid do you know how much you can spend on luxuries. Perhaps by cutting down on the additional spending you can avoid having to work as many extra shifts (or at least know what you are saving towards).

An alternative is to put all money into joint account and limit each of your spending to like £50 per month.

Why should OP have to give up her only hobby because he is a lazy arse?

Horses are a committed expense, and I don't believe OP saying it costs only 25/week because of mates rates field/livery. Horse trailer, insurance, farrier, vets bills and the many other little things add up.

Nothing wrong with owning a horse, but if you're struggling to make ends meet (and have dependents), such a permanent non-essential expense isn't wise.

OP's partner needs to maximise his earning capacity though. Lazy, negligent and weak.

OP has good prospects of increasing her income and advancing her career, and is prepared to work extra shifts to account for the horse. She has mates rates for livery, and it's her hobby and only luxury. There's more to life than cutting everything to the bone. Getting back into the position of owning a horse again might be difficult.

Her dh could easily avoid the position of them being so tight for money, if he worked in the rain or picked up any missed hours at the weekend.

It seems he does some housework. Does he do 50% of housework or less or more?

Would MN say any different if sexes were reversed?

I think if both partners were working and the woman had an outdoor job and didn't want to go to work when it was raining, MN would recommend she changed jobs, wore galoshes or got a second income stream instead of the man working harder, yes.

How can you have joint family goals without a basic agreement with regards to the financial situation? I think that’s basic adult behavior. He’s ducking adult responsibility. He certainly won’t be retiring will he?