DH and his lack of ambition

[poppiesinafield]

I don't even know where to begin but I think I need some help picking apart my feelings before I explode. I have been with DH for 11 years this summer, married for 8. 2 DDs, my older DD 17 from previous relationship, and our DD 8.

My DH is a kind and caring man, he is a good dad, he is considerate towards me, doesn't go out, has never cheated, does his fair share of the housework etc. We don't argue and I would describe our relationship as good on a day to day basis.

BUT, he has worked in the same job (think unskilled, outdoor type job, quite weather dependent) for the entire time we have been together and there is no sign of it changing - he doesn't earn much more than what he did 11 years ago when we met and our income is CONSTANTLY affected by the weather. To give him his due, he is often up early (5am) and works long days but the reality is he very rarely earns a full weeks wages BECAUSE WHEN DO WE EVER GET A FULL WEEK OF DRY WEATHER IN THE UK! His friends locally are all starting to get to the point of doing better in their jobs, having mortgages and better cars. Not that I'm bothered about that sort of stuff really but I am tired of struggling all the time.

From my point of view, when we met I was in the final year of my degree. We then had DD and I worked part time for a bit - at this point I decided against training to be a teacher and now I work in the NHS - my pay isn't amazing but I have the option to pick up extra shifts which I often do and am now in the position where I am certainly earning more than my DH. I often attend training and can see that I will be able to work myself up to better paid positions over the coming years.

This week, after the few bits and bobs that have had to be paid for, DH has £100 left which is meant to have to see us through for a week. This is a regular occurrence when we have a rainy week and puts us back constantly. It means I am now probably going to have to pick up an extra shift tomorrow after I have worked all week. We are meant to be saving for a holiday in August, not one penny has been put back, it will be me working extra shifts that pays for the bulk of it I expect.

Just for clarity I have a horse which I know is classed as an expensive hobby although I keep it as low cost as possible, and I have a large (cheap and old!) 4x4 to tow her around with. But I pay for that out of all the extra shifts I work and feel entitled to it, my main wages go in the joint account for bills, food etc and I don't really touch them.

We have had conversations in the recent past (arguments!) where I have said I am unhappy with this situation and didn't think that after 11 years nothing would have changed where he has said he will try harder, but here we are again skint because he hasn't worked enough. It's actually his birthday on Monday too and we can't afford to go out or anything this weekend. It's just a bit sad really ☹️

And yes,in all other ways he is an absolutely fantastic husband who I love the bones of!

What's his excuse for not going to work in the rain?

I get it's not enjoyable, but he can't just refuse to work. He either needs to work in the rain (like plenty of other tradesmen do) or find another job that he can do full-time, year-round.

Would it be cheaper to hire a 4x4 for the odd occasions when you need it? I used to think I "needed" a car but when I worked out how much it cost (including depreciation) versus the cost of taxis and car hire when needed, it was cheaper to give up the car.

Saying the family benefits because you use it on camping holidays, when in fact that's only once or twice a year, seriously isn't a justification for having it.

I don’t really understand the ‘imagine if this were a man writing about his wife’ posts. The advice would be the same. If the husband was working all the hours he could and bringing in the most money and the wife was working only part time while the weather was nice and not picking up any extra shifts during the weekends or evenings and they were struggling for money the advice would be the same. He’s lazy and unmotivated and only able to coast by because OP is pulling her weight. That wouldn’t be any different with the genders reversed and it seems a bit weird to imply it would. Both partners need to pull their weight financially unless they’ve explicitly agreed together that one can coast financially in order to be at home more providing childcare or doing the vast majority of the housework.

OP, you really need to lay it on the line with him and tell him you’re sick of struggling financially, would like to work towards some security and plan for the future together, and that you would like him to contribute financially more consistently than he has been. And see what he says. It surely isn’t sustainable for a forty odd (guessing) year old man to be working part time on a poor wage if he wants his family to have financial security?

OP, of course you share the blame somewhat for thinking you could choose a man and have him change. These men rarely ever change, they’re content to drift along doing the bare minimum as long as someone else is picking up the slack. This is why when I was dating before meeting my OH I wouldn’t have seriously dated someone who was earning very little or significantly less than me. I don’t want to struggle financially, I want adequate resources to raise children, I’m bringing a solid education and fairly good earning power to a partnership and I’m not willing to carry someone. It’s too late now for you to be able to use that approach, but just bear in mind that even though you want him to change he may equally say ‘er, no, this is who I am, why did you even marry me if it’s not enough?’ and you’ll have to decide whether you can tolerate this for the long haul or whether it’ll drive a wedge between you...

So OP, you say that your DH has your dad at the weekend so that you can pick up extra shifts? If he worked at the weekend you wouldn't be able to do extra shifts.

You say that you work 30 hours per week - so that isn't full time either. How many hours does your DH work?

You also said that some months you earn £500 in extra shifts - so where does that money go?

How do you divide the costs in your home? Do you both contribute the same amount or a percentage of your income?

How much does your DH have per month to spend on his hobbies?

If he worked at weekends, covering the hours he's missed during the week, OP wouldn't need to work as many extra shifts.

If he worked full time then our earnings would be on a par with each other, his hours can vary so massively but I reckon average maybe 30 hours. I took home about 20k last year. He definitely earned a lot less. I probably have underestimated what my horse costs but I really do it on the bare minimum and she is my sanity! I'm really not interested in anything else hobby wise. And yes upkeep of my 4x4 costs but we all benefit from having it, and I also have paid for all of the upkeep of it from the extra shifts I do!

But you said that you also work 30 hours per week and then pick up extra shifts as and when, but which seems to be your personal money.

And £20,000/year isn't a great wage. Why don't you think about changing jobs?

category12

Except that OP seems to want to keep her overtime money for what she wants to spend it on.

So, if her husband earns more and she earns less does husband then have to pay for her horse?

I don’t understand this at all. Op and her husband work around the same amount of hours, both have caring responsibilities, but the husband has to up his game so she can afford to keep horses and run an SUV?

OP said she was contracted 30 hours but then did extra shifts on top of it. Given that she's evidently some kind of HCA, if she earned 20k last year she'd need to be working full time hours for that really, due to the banding.

OP can see opportunities for advancement with her current job and takes up extra shifts so she often works 50 hrs a week. Her job isn't really the problem.

I totally agree that he needs to be doing more, not working when it's raining just isn't feasible. But I don't think earning only £20k working only 30 hours a week with an expensive hobby is really putting you in the best position to criticise. It sounds like you are both coasting (which is fine if you were happy with your lot). You said you didn't expect life to be like this but equally not taking as much control as you could.

I think you both need to sit down and figure out what it is you want in terms of lifestyle etc. And work out how you can both improve your wages to meet those expectations. If his expectations are lower than yours, you have to accept more responsibility for funding the extra you are wanting. In my opinion.

DecomposingComposers I am contracted for 30 hours a week but work on average a lot more with extra shifts that I pick up. Some months when I've earned a lot extra it has gone on household expenses as well as extra things like car repairs and I also pay for my horse out of this as previously discussed - if I know something expensive is coming i put the extra shifts in to pay for it in advance so it doesn't dent into normal household expenses. My usual monthly wages go into the joint account and all go towards household expenses.

No, pretty sure she said she puts the money into household expenses as well, she doesn't keep it for herself. She does do extra shifts specifically to cover the horse expenses.

x-posted

The husband should up his game because he won't work if it rains. In Britain. FGS.

20k a year for where I live isn't too bad! I am aware that I could earn more and am always in the lookout for ways to advance, unfortunately working in the NHS you are never going to be rich. I'd love to be earning more but the opportunities in my area aren't really great but that is a separate issue.

No, pretty sure she said she puts the money into household expenses as well, she doesn't keep it for herself. She does do extra shifts specifically to cover the horse expenses.

T
Read the OPs posts - she says that her extra money pays for her horse, a girly weekend, her 4 X 4, her car's MOT - how much of that is the family's expenses?

unfortunately working in the NHS you are never going to be rich

I wouldn’t say that’s necessarily true, though it does depend on what your idea is of ‘rich’. Just don’t use that attitude as an excuse not to progress if that’s what you’ve want. I’ve never had an employer so willing to train and promote staff into higher positions with the frequency of the NHS. I started in 2014 on £18k and this year reached almost £40k. Next year will be £40k. The banding system is fab, plus they’re often willing to fund worthwhile training courses. I’m sure to MN £40k isn’t ‘rich’ but to me, who was on £12k before joining the NHS, it is. Especially with a similarly earning partner.

I guess it depends on perspective. I see being on that wage as being pretty wealthy as I never expected to earn more than NMW, but I’m sure if you grew up assuming you’d earn £50k as an adult it seems paltry. Don’t sell yourself short with the ‘NHS is awful pay’ mantra that is so often repeated by people who don’t seem to grasp the banding system.

Do you really think the OP's work and lifestyle choices are problematic compared to her husband choosing not to work when it rains and not making up the hours he misses?

OP I haven't RTFT but I sympathise. My DP also works in an outdoor job that is weather dependent. I'm qualified to a high standard in my particular field but because he won't contemplate moving (and where we live the job market is stagnant), I'm stuck in part-time admin work. In winter it's entirely feasible for him to be off work from October until February. The strain is incredible. We never go out for meals, can't contemplate a holiday. I don't have any advice and, without sounding pessimistic, I doubt your DH will change. Sending

category12

I don't know because the details seem quite woolly don't they? If OP works 30 hrs plus another 20 hrs per week overtime, these extra hours can't all be worked overnight can they? So really how easy is it for the husband to work at the weekend? Presumably the OP either works her contracted hours at the weekend or at least some of her overtime.

If the OP wants a nicer lifestyle why isn't the answer that she looks to change her job to a higher paid one? The husband might be very happy to live a more basic life. Does he have any hobbies? Who pays for the OPs older daughter?

I am a self employed gardener and I earn about 18k doing 3 days a week. I work around Dh, he’s obviously not charging enough or finding enough work. On top of that I do design and work for other designers planting so I can earn about 25k. I work through the winter and save for Jan which can be a problem with snow etc

He’s taking the piss not working when he can, through the winter I wear waterproofs and thermals and get loads done ! Maybe he needs to look at estate work ? You can get an idea at Hortweek jobs or English country gardener.

I love working outdoors and I have made it work by having different income streams. I think your dh needs a kick up the arse, I live in the north it’s not like the weathers great here or it’s particularly rich but I could earn £800 a week if I didn’t have to work round dh.

What does he do? If you tell us that we have enough info to work out if he really is a lazy b or not.

I know the whole all money is family money but I'd feel resentful if we were going to be late on bills because my OH couldn't be arsed to get a better paid job or go work in the rain.
He may want a more basic lifestyle but he still needs to pay the bills. I wouldn't want to do 50 hours per week so he can doss on rain days