My wife may leave me.

[CMA7]

Hi all

In desperate need of some advice. I am writing this thread out of desperation so apologise for any errors. It is also my first post.

Problems started with me around 4 weeks ago when I asked my wife if she was cheating on me. A couple of things had happened that sent my mind into that method of thinking and after being up all night one night I decided to ask the question one morning. My wife completely denied my allegation towards her which was to be expected then later in the evening she decided she wanted to have a chat about where we going as she didn't feel she was in love with me anymore and that this had been brewing for a while but my accusation had made her want to take about it. She still advised she hadn't been cheating and told me what had lead her to her point of not being in love with me anymore. I agreed with her points and could see the damage I had caused and begged her for a chance to let me make things right. My wife allowed me to do this and the following days were really nice but then anxiety and depression started to kick in. We have a young child together and I admit I have been a bit lazy in his upbringing to this point.

In the following days/ weeks, Due to the anxiety I started to watch my wife's every move with her phone and was questioning everytime she was going on it. The anxiety got to the point where I had to ask her who she had been messaging on Facebook one afternoon. My wife did not lie and told me the truth that she had been messaging a mutual friend of ours who had been having problems with his own relationship. The couple in question are good friend of ours. I asked to see the messages that had been exchanged and was told no but was shown the screen which proved she wasnt lieing about who she was messaging. I then asked why I couldn't see the messages if she had nothing to hide and was told that she didn't need to justify herself. This obviosuly didn't do anything to help with the anxiety. The next day my wife told me that the messages had been deleted off her phone by the guy s he didn't want his partner knowing they had been messaging about the complications with their relationship. Again my anxiety spiraled out of control and I began to think again that she was cheating on me. I was unhappy with my wife and asked her why she was investing her time trying to help someone elses relationship when ours was on the line. My wife understood my point.

I managed to get over this and become very clingy to my wife due to the fear of losing her and my son. If anything, being clingy has made things worse but I have been over trying as I have not been receiving anything back. At this point I am 99% sure my wife hasn't been cheating on me as she only goes to work and then home and is in constant contact with me.

I told my wife that I had contemplated taking my own life not to make her feel sorry or anything for me but just to try and highlight that without her and my son around I didn't have much to live for. Althought he thoughts were serious I understood at the same time i realise it is really selfish but that is where the depression has got me too. The thoughts are still there and I do think that it will be my est option as I would have nothing left. I have close friends around me but refuse to talk to anyone other than my wife as I feel when I start to talk about it, it becomes 'real'. Part of the issue I am having aswell is I have a really close family around me but they live far away and I embarrassed to talk to them as I do not want them to put my wife under any pressure and I also feel embarrassed as I have caused the mess.

I am still watching my wife's every move with her phone and questioning her. She does get angry at this and will eventually, to my embarrassment show me what she has been doing on her phone etc. Without constantly blaming the anxiety this is the point I am at as my life is nothing without her and my so around. She has spoke about moving to her parents short term to see how things go but I have begged her not to as I feel that if she did this then we will be over forever. We have been together in total for 12 years and we were only 17 at the time of meeting, so my life has constantly involved her.

I understand that it is me that has caused this as I fell into the void of taking her for granted but just want to know how I go about winning her heart back and if this is achievable as she and my son as a family mean everything to me.

What are you going to do FOR her? How are you going to change YOUR behavior? How are you going to make HER feel happy and loved.
Take your focus off you and your needs.

Thank you. You are the first person I have spoken to about this and it was a huge leap for me to take. I have been trying my absolute hardest to do everything around the house etc to make her feel loved but I am told that this is forced and possibly too late. Due to the anxiety I cant stop myself asking her questions about how she feels all the time.

It doesn't sound as though you make each other happy.

It is difficult as we dont row. It feels like it has gone stail due to the amount of years we have been together. After everything that has gone I have realised how much she means to me. When we had the initial talks she was resigned to thinking i felt the same and wanted to end it too and she said it has hit her like a ton of bricks and she thought I didn't want to go on anymore.

When I say go on anymore. I mean with the relationship.

You reap what you sow.

You need to give her some space and stop questioning her every move.
You know its not helping, but you are continuing to do it. Why?
Its not enough to say its because you're anxious; you need to allow her breathing space - its just ignoring her needs yet again if you won't stop.

I am realising that now... i want to prove that I can make her happy.

But you’re not are you. Because your exact words are not the same as your actions.
Your actions are shitty. And have been shitty and continue to be shitty. I mean! Really...you can’t work that out. It’s pretty simple.

And FYI
this is real. It’s been real for a long time.

I realise it is real but a the same time obviosuly want tonewke up from the nightmare that I am facing. My wife admits she has been partly to blame as she has let me slip into my bad ways. I don't want to blame her at all and put most of it at my door. All I want to try and patch up this bad place that we are in.

So why are you haranguing her when you’re 99% sure she’s not having an affair.
Sounds like deflection to me

Go and get some therapy ASAP

I wish I could explain it. However some of the actions she has taken have lead me to lose trust in someone who I would put my life in their hands. I understand no one will ever be able to put 100% into someone as there is always going to be some doubt.

I suffer with anxiety so i totally understand the paranoia and the need for constant reassurance. It is so counterproductive though and can become a self fulfilling prophecy . Are you getting help for this? You should visit your gp and consider counselling.

I think you are unfortunatly getting harsh responses because you are a man. Imagine if a woman posted that her dh is being possessive with his phone, chatting to a female friend about the problems in her marriage. She would be told definitely cheating and to ltb.

You do need to give your wife space but she needs to meet you half way. You also need to step up re the childcare etc.

First step is to get a handle on your anxiety though.

A couple of things struck me about your post. You said your wife “only goes to work and home” For 12 years? It doesn’t sound like much of a life, does it?
And you threatened to kill yourself, just to blackmail her emotionally. Again, not much of a life for her, is it? And a horrible thing to do.
I suggest you back off, stop clinging, stop trying to monitor her every move and be “ in constant contact” with her. Give her room to breathe. You don’t own her.
Perhaps you could look after your son so she can go out with the girls. Or get yourself a hobby and go out by yourself once in a while so that she doesn’t feel watched all the time.
When was the last time you took your son out for the day so she could have a day to herself?

The bit where you threatened to kill yourself if she left you was emotional blackmail.

Perhaps you ought to take the focus off of suffocating your wife and see a GP about sorting out your own emotional problems. That’s probably the biggest thing you could do to save your relationship.

Take responsibility for your own actions, tbh you sound pretty awful. My son's dad behaved in a similar way, turns out he was the cheat. If you are so sure she isn't cheating why don't you stop questioning her? As for telling her your suicidal that's not nice for anyone to go through and I sympathise but you did come across as manipulative in saying it how you did.

Also look after your child! It's not just the woman's job

The part about taking my own life was never intended as emotional blackmail. I cant help the way I was feeling and still see my wife as the only person in the world I can talk too. I understand how it looks and can agree as an outsider it sure does look like I was trying to achieve that but it wasnt what I set out to do. It took me alot of courage to share that with my wife and I had no intention of blackmailing. I come on here to seek advice and help not to be slated. I have contacted my GP and I am currently waiting for further info re counselling etc.

I think you need to think back to the early days of your relationship. Was everything OK then? What has changed? Is there something she needs now or a dream she has had to give up?

Your wife has told you something of what's gone wrong. If you're afraid she'll leave, ask her to give you six months to show her you can change your ways.

Do NOT threaten suicide again, and try to take it right off your list of possible solutions - it is NOT a solution. Stop paying attention to whether she's on her phone, and never ask who she's texting unless there is an obvious reason to show interest, for example if she reads a text aloud to you, or makes a comment about it, e.g. if she exclaims, "I don't believe it!" it would be fair enough to say, "Oh, what's that?"

I hope you can sort things out.

Jeez, you need to make un urgent GP appointment. Counselling is definitely in order.
Do not ever threaten your partner with suicide. It's a wicked thing to say. This is why you need to seek help. You're doing terrible damage to your partner.
If you don't get help you will lose her as I would imagine she's very upset, scared and resentful at this point.

With regards to my child I havent expected my wife to raise him on her own. I have been there every step of the way but have admitted to being lazy in some aspects. My wife does have her girl friends over and does visit there houses too. My original post maybe didn't include all the info as in all honesty I was very nervous about writing it.

The suicide thing is manipulative.

To echo sarah22xx, the only time I had a man quiz me about my actions like that, he was the philanderer.

I think you should call it a day.

Poor you, ffs think of your wife not just you

Sarah22x are you here just to slate me?