My wife may leave me.

[CMA7]

Hi all

In desperate need of some advice. I am writing this thread out of desperation so apologise for any errors. It is also my first post.

Problems started with me around 4 weeks ago when I asked my wife if she was cheating on me. A couple of things had happened that sent my mind into that method of thinking and after being up all night one night I decided to ask the question one morning. My wife completely denied my allegation towards her which was to be expected then later in the evening she decided she wanted to have a chat about where we going as she didn't feel she was in love with me anymore and that this had been brewing for a while but my accusation had made her want to take about it. She still advised she hadn't been cheating and told me what had lead her to her point of not being in love with me anymore. I agreed with her points and could see the damage I had caused and begged her for a chance to let me make things right. My wife allowed me to do this and the following days were really nice but then anxiety and depression started to kick in. We have a young child together and I admit I have been a bit lazy in his upbringing to this point.

In the following days/ weeks, Due to the anxiety I started to watch my wife's every move with her phone and was questioning everytime she was going on it. The anxiety got to the point where I had to ask her who she had been messaging on Facebook one afternoon. My wife did not lie and told me the truth that she had been messaging a mutual friend of ours who had been having problems with his own relationship. The couple in question are good friend of ours. I asked to see the messages that had been exchanged and was told no but was shown the screen which proved she wasnt lieing about who she was messaging. I then asked why I couldn't see the messages if she had nothing to hide and was told that she didn't need to justify herself. This obviosuly didn't do anything to help with the anxiety. The next day my wife told me that the messages had been deleted off her phone by the guy s he didn't want his partner knowing they had been messaging about the complications with their relationship. Again my anxiety spiraled out of control and I began to think again that she was cheating on me. I was unhappy with my wife and asked her why she was investing her time trying to help someone elses relationship when ours was on the line. My wife understood my point.

I managed to get over this and become very clingy to my wife due to the fear of losing her and my son. If anything, being clingy has made things worse but I have been over trying as I have not been receiving anything back. At this point I am 99% sure my wife hasn't been cheating on me as she only goes to work and then home and is in constant contact with me.

I told my wife that I had contemplated taking my own life not to make her feel sorry or anything for me but just to try and highlight that without her and my son around I didn't have much to live for. Althought he thoughts were serious I understood at the same time i realise it is really selfish but that is where the depression has got me too. The thoughts are still there and I do think that it will be my est option as I would have nothing left. I have close friends around me but refuse to talk to anyone other than my wife as I feel when I start to talk about it, it becomes 'real'. Part of the issue I am having aswell is I have a really close family around me but they live far away and I embarrassed to talk to them as I do not want them to put my wife under any pressure and I also feel embarrassed as I have caused the mess.

I am still watching my wife's every move with her phone and questioning her. She does get angry at this and will eventually, to my embarrassment show me what she has been doing on her phone etc. Without constantly blaming the anxiety this is the point I am at as my life is nothing without her and my so around. She has spoke about moving to her parents short term to see how things go but I have begged her not to as I feel that if she did this then we will be over forever. We have been together in total for 12 years and we were only 17 at the time of meeting, so my life has constantly involved her.

I understand that it is me that has caused this as I fell into the void of taking her for granted but just want to know how I go about winning her heart back and if this is achievable as she and my son as a family mean everything to me.

@PlinkPlink sorry, I think your post is awful.

Someone who is in such anguish that they have contemplated suicide does not deserve to be spoken to like that.

If it is only being done as a way to control someone then, yes, I agree it's abusive.

On the other hand, these could be genuine feelings and none of us here know which applies.

DecomposingComposers saying to someone "I feel I might kill myself if you left" is controlling and is abusive.

He needs to seek outside help. Not tell her if she acts inappropriate a certain way, he will end his life.

@DecomposingComposers

I can understand why you'd think I was being unnecessarily harsh.

I have experienced suicide from all sides. Family members have attempted it multiple times. I contemplated it myself after an assault. And I had an ex bf use it against me as a way to try and get me back into a relationship with me.

Sometimes, you need someone to give you a sharp shock to knock some sense into you, to see the bigger picture.

I understand anxiety and depression. I've suffered with them too, though it's not always the same experience for everyone.

But I find it hard not to give the sharp shock when there are children involved. My mum tried it when I was 22. I was devastated. I still don't know what I would have done if she had succeeded. I can't even Express the fear, the hurt, the anger, the grief... my words were harsh to prevent a child from going through that.

I doubt very much that your wife is cheating. If this guy is moaning to her about his problems then she is probably moaning about you back. Fair is fair. She wouldn't want you to see obviously.
Everyone deserves some privacy. They way you are behaving would drive a partner to vent to someone.
Remember too, that while you are wasting your time second guessing your wife and obsessing about her, then your little child is being ignored! Get the help you need.

I told my wife that I had contemplated taking my own life not to make her feel sorry or anything for me but just to try and highlight that without her and my son around I didn't have much to live for. Althought he thoughts were serious I understood at the same time i realise it is really selfish but that is where the depression has got me too. The thoughts are still there and I do think that it will be my est option as I would have nothing left. I have close friends around me but refuse to talk to anyone other than my wife as I feel when I start to talk about it, it becomes 'real'

This is what he said.

He made sure she knew what he would do if she left. He wont speak to anyone else
So only his wife knows this is what he is saying.

His depression him this low, but not spokent to a doctor. So depersate to make the marriage work. But not seeking professional help? But going as far as making sure she knows the consequences if she decides to leave an unhappy marriage.

That's abusive.

Ok OP there one of two things is happening

1. you are a controlling and abusive man who refuses to let his wife go

2. you aren’t and you genuinely feel anxiety and depression about it. You need to go to your family if this is the case and tell them what is going through your head you say you are close to them and have close friends talk to them because however much if this is true you don’t mean it you are abusing your wife now into staying - you need to let her leavr

@PlinkPlink

I'm truly sorry for what you went through. But if someone phones the Samaritans to say they feel suicidal do they say what you've said above? If not, why not?

How do you know the state of mind of a person reading this? What if you make them feel even worse about themselves?

Sorry, I don't think you can say those things unless you are damn sure that it is totally the correct thing to say to the individual concerned.

His depression him this low, but not spokent to a doctor.

He said he has seen a Dr though and is awaiting counselling. So he is trying to get help.

He said he has seen a Dr though and is awaiting counselling. So he is trying to get help.

But not until after he made clear to his wife what would happen if she left. Wether he is choosing to be abusive or his MH is causing him to do these things. Its abuse.

And what does 'contacted go and awaiting to hear details about counselling' mean. He didnt saying awaiting counselling. He said awaiting details of it. No mention of what type, or what's been recommended.

And what is he doing in the meantime? He will have most certainly been offered medication, at least in the short term. Especially if he is contemplating suicide.

I am guessing he didnt tell the doctor that. That information is for his wife only.

So was he not honest, refused medication?

@CMA7 - I would strongly consider your not posting or reading anything else on this thread. I really don't believe you're going to get the support you need here. What I would do is continue to pursue counselling, and if you do feel suicidal, to contact the Samaritans.

OP
I know what you're m talking about please listen to my advice.
You really need to get to your Gp and start some type of therapy. My husband died from the day after I caught him cheating. We had two kids together and never in a million years could I have predicted this. He completely panicked when I caught him and told me he was going to kill himself. I was cross that he could say such a thing. Family and friends along with me saw it as emotional blackmail. Well he did hang himself.
I wish I could go back to that moment every day. I understand too that there was nothing I could do. I just want to strongly advise you to get help. Go to a GP. This is not a normal reaction to relationship problems you need some serious help.
Also talking from experience if you were to die from suicide your child is in for a long hard miserable road

@Shequakes

I have no idea what e told the Dr or what treatment was offered.

Judging by what I've been on lots of other threads though, mental health services in this country appear woefully inadequate. On another thread a 12 year old girl pulled a carving knife on her parents and threatened to stab them. All the posters on that thread are telling mum that treatment for her is years away and that the step mum is totally out of order to fear what she might do next. So, if a 12 year old threatening to stab someone is getting immediate treatment then I can believe that an adult, even one contemplating suicide, might not get rapid treatment either.

As I said, I have no idea. But then neither does anyone else on this thread so I don't see how anyone can say the OP is definitely this or that.

He might be abusive. The wife might be gaslighting and causing the anxiety. Either scenario is possible with the limited details that we have.

Come on, @MNHQ - surely, when suicide is raised by a poster, we give them the benefit of the doubt no matter what?

@AFistfulofDolores1

I agree. Quite shocked by some posts that have been allowed to stand on here.

Come on, @MNHQ - surely, when suicide is raised by a poster, we give them the benefit of the doubt no matter what?

Suicidal thoughts are serious and the OP needs professional support but they can not be used to extract sympathy or manipulate. I acknowledge that manipulation may not be the OP’s intention but that doesn’t stop it being the result.

Do you have a job or hobbies to focus on sounds like you don't have a job. Let her breath firstly. Secondly understand she has every right to be pissed off with you respect her space, distance yourself but still b helpful. House work child care all that stuff carry on doing it.
I know you saying you would die if it wasn't for her and your son in your head you wanted to say how much you love them but it's controlling and in her head she doesn't even think that way because as a mother she has to be strong and carry on and go to work. She would view that as a selfish way of thinking. Because you have been shit she isn't in partner mode she is just in mum mode.
Give her options say things like if you want to go out tonight I will have our son you deserve you time. Do not question her after. Maybe offer to get a babysitter and go out together see if you can rekindle something. Stop questioning her nobody likes that. It's likely she has moaned about you but I assume if she's fallen out of love she woule tell you if there was someone else.

Suicide as manipulation is a mental health problem too.

Hypothetically, for example, @AgentJohnson, if a man is abusive, there is a reason he is abusive. Abusers are made, not born. But we here cannot judge this, because we don't know - in which case the only prudent decision is to lay off.

Your wife only goes to and from work? You are in constant contact? She let you slip into bad ways? You are become ever increasingly demanding and paranoid with her? You told her you had thought about ending your own life?

All of the above is not conducive to a healthy relationship and is, even if it's not intentional, emotionally manipulative.

Anxiety and depression is utterly shit, it really is. Maybe a break would do you good and give you both some breathing space.

He might be abusive. The wife might be gaslighting and causing the anxiety. Either scenario is possible with the limited details that we have.

With the limited details we have we know he is being abusive. Could that be a result of her gas lighting. Possibly.

But it's still abuse. As I said, op is being very vague about what was actually said and what he is waiting for treatment wise.

But I stand by my point. Wether he cant help it or not. Telling someone that of they leave you will kill yourself is abusive. You are attempting to control their choices.

And likely this is just pushing her away.

I suffer with depression and anxiety. Medication is the one thing that is easier to get at the gp. Therapy and long term care is harder. If he had taken medication, surely he would have included that as well.

The ins and outs still mean he is abusing her. And he admits himself he had no motivation to start panicking about her leaving until she detached. Up until that point, he was quite happy going along knowing he was being crap.

That in itself is abusive. Knowing you are being a shit partner, but being ok with it cause the other person wont leave is also abusive.

"Abuse" is one of those terms that seems to stand alone as something that is wholly unconnected to a person's mental health. The fact is that abusers are really not as in control of their actions as we would perhaps prefer them to be. The inconvenient truth is that they are doing what they have been taught to do - and that most of them are in severe mental anguish.

This is NOT to excuse their behaviour. It is, however, to understand that while it may be manipulative, it is deeply ingrained and inextricably linked to earlier experiences of violence and abuse.

An abuser can quite easily be suicidal: the tendencies often come together, along with abject depression and anxiety.

In short, they need help too, even while we do not excuse or condone their actions, and even while those at the receiving end need to do everything they can to stop trying to save their abuser, and rather get the hell out of the predicament they find themselves in.

When a person says they are suicidal, no matter who or what they are doing or being in the rest of their life, then we need to take that entirely seriously. Or we're simply doing exactly what they are doing, aren't we?

@AFistfulofDolores1 your post are spot on although most likely people will fail to agree unless they have had some education in this area or they have have themselves been involved in similar situations

When a person says they are suicidal, no matter who or what they are doing or being in the rest of their life, then we need to take that entirely seriously. Or we're simply doing exactly what they are doing, aren't we?

I believe he is serious. I also believe he has always shared this with his wife to control her.

I am not saying he should be ignored. He needs help. Unfortunately, why you are abusing someone doesnt stop it being a abuse or lessen the long term impacts on the victim

Given that suicide is such a problem in young men, I think posters on here are being alarmingly harsh. Suicidal people genuinely believe that the people they love will be better off without them, and previous posts on here have almost confirmed this to the OP!! Seriously, telling someone who genuinely feels suicidal to pull themselves together is never going to work. I thought our understanding of MH issues had come much further, how depressing to see so many people blaming the OP for his own illness

OP, please get some professional help. Reach out to people other than your wife to take the pressure off both of you. You say you have family far away? They are at the other end of the phone, or you could email. I think when you can get your anxiety and depression under control you will be in a better place to work on your relationship. All the best

@footoo, thank you. Yes, as soon as you start to understand the human psyche, and to get interested in why people are who they are, and do what they do, things get far less black-and-white. But it's a lot easier to split than to deal with realities that are really quite disturbing and uncomfortable.

@AFistfulofDolores1 and @ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs thank you for your posts. They are spot on.