My wife may leave me.

[CMA7]

Hi all

In desperate need of some advice. I am writing this thread out of desperation so apologise for any errors. It is also my first post.

Problems started with me around 4 weeks ago when I asked my wife if she was cheating on me. A couple of things had happened that sent my mind into that method of thinking and after being up all night one night I decided to ask the question one morning. My wife completely denied my allegation towards her which was to be expected then later in the evening she decided she wanted to have a chat about where we going as she didn't feel she was in love with me anymore and that this had been brewing for a while but my accusation had made her want to take about it. She still advised she hadn't been cheating and told me what had lead her to her point of not being in love with me anymore. I agreed with her points and could see the damage I had caused and begged her for a chance to let me make things right. My wife allowed me to do this and the following days were really nice but then anxiety and depression started to kick in. We have a young child together and I admit I have been a bit lazy in his upbringing to this point.

In the following days/ weeks, Due to the anxiety I started to watch my wife's every move with her phone and was questioning everytime she was going on it. The anxiety got to the point where I had to ask her who she had been messaging on Facebook one afternoon. My wife did not lie and told me the truth that she had been messaging a mutual friend of ours who had been having problems with his own relationship. The couple in question are good friend of ours. I asked to see the messages that had been exchanged and was told no but was shown the screen which proved she wasnt lieing about who she was messaging. I then asked why I couldn't see the messages if she had nothing to hide and was told that she didn't need to justify herself. This obviosuly didn't do anything to help with the anxiety. The next day my wife told me that the messages had been deleted off her phone by the guy s he didn't want his partner knowing they had been messaging about the complications with their relationship. Again my anxiety spiraled out of control and I began to think again that she was cheating on me. I was unhappy with my wife and asked her why she was investing her time trying to help someone elses relationship when ours was on the line. My wife understood my point.

I managed to get over this and become very clingy to my wife due to the fear of losing her and my son. If anything, being clingy has made things worse but I have been over trying as I have not been receiving anything back. At this point I am 99% sure my wife hasn't been cheating on me as she only goes to work and then home and is in constant contact with me.

I told my wife that I had contemplated taking my own life not to make her feel sorry or anything for me but just to try and highlight that without her and my son around I didn't have much to live for. Althought he thoughts were serious I understood at the same time i realise it is really selfish but that is where the depression has got me too. The thoughts are still there and I do think that it will be my est option as I would have nothing left. I have close friends around me but refuse to talk to anyone other than my wife as I feel when I start to talk about it, it becomes 'real'. Part of the issue I am having aswell is I have a really close family around me but they live far away and I embarrassed to talk to them as I do not want them to put my wife under any pressure and I also feel embarrassed as I have caused the mess.

I am still watching my wife's every move with her phone and questioning her. She does get angry at this and will eventually, to my embarrassment show me what she has been doing on her phone etc. Without constantly blaming the anxiety this is the point I am at as my life is nothing without her and my so around. She has spoke about moving to her parents short term to see how things go but I have begged her not to as I feel that if she did this then we will be over forever. We have been together in total for 12 years and we were only 17 at the time of meeting, so my life has constantly involved her.

I understand that it is me that has caused this as I fell into the void of taking her for granted but just want to know how I go about winning her heart back and if this is achievable as she and my son as a family mean everything to me.

You desperately need to talk to someone else. You need help with the depression and anxiety as soon as possible. Because although these are real medical issues, your behaviour towards your wife is abusive. Threatening suicide if she leaves, constantly checking her phone, expecting her to be in contact all the time, only taking on household roles when she's leaving.

You need to stop focusing on the relationship issues, because they are a symptom and you are unwell. Focus on getting help. Once you have sought treatment, there may be something left or there may not be, but you won't be hurting each other at least.

And BTW This obviosuly didn't do anything to help with the anxiety. isn't true. If you check, are allowed to, get psychological relief from that, it's a vicious cycle. Checking makes you feel good so you do it more. Not checking feels really horrible but it is something you will have to do to recover.

The part about taking my own life was never intended as emotional blackmail.

Bullshit. You said this to control her out of fear and guilt. Please don't think we are so stupid not to see through the oldest trick in the book.

Familiarize yourself with the old adage "too little, too late", because that's where you are.

I can assure you I am not a philanderer. I could never see myself with anybody else in my life so I dont know how you come to that conclusion.

You obviously don'like what you're hearing. I give up. You can't treat people like shit and expect them to stay around.

I came on here to seek advice and help, not to be slated

Unfortunately, posting on a public forum asking for advice from complete strangers will encourage their honesty. Nobody here has a duty of care to you or any obligation to dance delicately around your feelings or accommodate their own agenda, we are not your wife.

You are emotionally blackmailing her and expecting her to constantly moderate her behaviour and curtail her life to accommodate your ever increasing anxiety about infidelity is verging on abusive.

Get some professional help, quickly! Even if it’s too late to save your marriage, you need help for you.

aquamarine1029 Call it bullshit all you want. I dont know you and you dont know me. I have no reason to lie. Can I ask have you ever been in my position where your world feels like it is ending? With regards to the suicidal thoughts I can guarantee these are real. I wish I could agree with you and call it bullshit but however I cant and the simple thing is that's where I am at. I agree with you it was wrong sharing this with my wife but when you only have one person in the world you can turn too then you expect to be able to tell them anything. I have never suffered with any mental health issues in my life until now. I found it hard and embarrassing talking to my own family and friends and instead I come here to seek advice and help. Not to be shot down.

Op are you on any medication? CBT, meditation, yoga etc.? Do you work? I think you are not making things better. You really need to talk to Ur GP n get started in some medication. I'm sorry but you need to get yourself in a better position and then make things better with Ur wife and son

It's not verging on abusive. It is absolutely abusive.

That's not to say I'm not sympathetic. Depression and anxiety are shit and sometimes encourage behaviour that people wouldn't do when well. But not seeking help and expecting the wife to be the only support is a bad decision.

Pinkybutterfly I am not on any medication at the moment and have made contact with my local GP/counselling services. I do work and try to give my wife as much space as possible. Unfortunately when you arr going through an experience like mine you do some silly things.

Hopefully your doctor will refer you for counselling, because its too suffocating to put the onus onto your wife as the only person in the world you can talk to.

What does your wife see as a way forward for you both?
Does she still want to stay with her parents for a while?

I would like to add that I do not check my wife's phone. Due to the anxiety/ insecurity unmask for reassurance. Unfortunately in my wife's line of work she works with 8-10 mechanics and is 1 of only 2 females at her work place. This as you can imagine adds to my insecurity.

"I think you are unfortunatly getting harsh responses because you are a man. Imagine if a woman posted that her dh is being possessive with his phone, chatting to a female friend about the problems in her marriage. She would be told definitely cheating and to ltb"

Totally agree!

Utterly shameful really to pile into someone who's already said they're anxious and depressed enough to be considering suicide!

Please seek help for the mh issues for you, and your wife and son. There is help available.

There are also helplines inc:

www.thecalmzone.net/help/get-help/

www.menshealthforum.org.uk/beatstress.uk

www.anxietyuk.org.uk

I've found anxiety uk very helpful myself

www.samaritans.org

It's possible she's cheated, I wouldn't be impressed if my spouse was so reluctant to show messages the way she was. And you haven't specified the other reasons why you considered an affair a possibility - contrary clearly to the views of several pps women do cheat too!

However, taking your wife for granted, not fully pulling your weight with your son is also unacceptable behaviour - which you've recognised and acknowledged.

You need to show not just tell her that you will change and will step up within your marriage and co-parenting relationship. Part of that is taking responsibility for improving your health.

Even if you do end up splitting up you will still have your son, he needs you to stick around and be there for him.

It's been said suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and its true.

I also suffer from serious mh issues (mainly ocd but also depression, anxiety and agoraphobia), I've been housebound almost 18 months with it, but I'll be damned if I'll give up!

My dd still needs me around and I could hopefully get better. I've done it before, life is ups and downs.

Oldandwornout she says that her head is in a mess and that as we have been together since such a young age that she wants to possibly know what is like being single again. I can blame her for that as I admit I had thoughts like that in the past but realised when I took my vowels/ had a child that I had chosen my path in life.

I am still watching my wife's every move with her phone and questioning her. She does get angry at this and will eventually, to my embarrassment show me what she has been doing on her phone etc.

But you don't check her phone. Which is it?

My wife admits she has been partly to blame as she has let me slip into my bad ways

This is bullshit, you have slipped into your bad ways, blaming your wife for your "bad ways" is just heaping yet more guilt onto her

Ok, OP, I think the issue comes down to one underlying thing. Your original post did not say “My wife is unhappy” it said “My wife may leave me”

Which implies that you care more about your happiness than hers. Why don’t you turn that on its head and focus on making her happy first. Let her go to her mum’s. Let her have that break. Do your fair share of childcare. Then take her some flowers, bake her a cake, do silly romantic stuff, show her some respect. Let her come home of her own free will.

Okay some very valid points here the situation is crap and the way it's been handled is terrible and unfair. However, to play devils advocate here, I myself suffer with bad depression and anxiety have done since I was a child so am pretty good at controlling it and knowing when to go to the docs etc. My partner also suffers extreme anxiety and when it hits gets very very paranoid and acted a lot like OP, note how I say acted, thing is I sat him down and asked him why he felt this way and how we can work together to improve as I couldn't live like it anymore. He now let's me know the moment he starts to feel it and takes control and I always make sure I'm there to listen and help no matter what and he doesn't question me at all now he's better at going out and maintaining outside friendships. But you need to work as a team to get there, if you both aren't on the same page then it's not fair on you or her to stay. Depression is horrible it traps you in your own mind, but it's also very hard for the other person if you can't talk to them about it rationally. I would suggest personal and couple therapy and perhaps low dose medication to see if it works, but I you have to work at it too it will have to be 90 percent you I'm afraid. But you aren't a demon or bad guy, you're struggling and don't yet have the tools to properly communicate your issue. Go to the doctors they are there to help, show her you want to improve and ask her for a little time and help, but also respect her wishes if she did want a weekend or week away to absorb all this. Your life is yours and shouldn't be reliant on her find you again and everything else will fall into place.

I can imagine both of your heads are in a mess..
Your best bet is to get yourself in a better frame of mind, so that you can look realistically at where you stand, so you've at least made a start with that by seeing your doctor.

I'm sure everyone in a relationship sometimes wonders about being single again, even if only fleetingly, so its not necessarily the end of your marriage.
You just need to do what you can to gain your wife's interest again.
You sound both worn out with it all.

I am not personally grabbing her phone and looking. I am asking for reassurance to which point she had shown me her phone. I dont think you have noticed the point where I mentioned she was messaging another man/ so called friend then had to suspiciously delete the messages so his partner would not see them.

Moominkitty thank you for the advice. I have booked a weekend away for us both next week and her mum and dad will be having our child. I have recently returned home with flowers etc. This is something I would regularly do in the past. I just want to show my wife that deep down i still care tremendously about her. The issue I am having is that I am becoming clingy as I want to shower her with love and affection to show her what she means to me but this seems to be pushing her further away.

She is absolutely either A) cheating on you. B) Going to.

Showering with love and affection is something abusive people do when they feel their target slipping away.

Please have a good hard look at yourself.

Why were you are poor husband and father before? Why should your wife believed you have fundamentally changed?

I think you are unfortunatly getting harsh responses because you are a man
I would have the same reaction to a woman threatening suicide to get her own way. It is emotional abuse, manipulative and controlling. The OP knew what he was doing otherwise he would have taken those feelings to someone (medical) who could actually help him with them.

Imagine if a woman posted that her dh is being possessive with his phone, chatting to a female friend about the problems in her marriage. She would be told definitely cheating and to ltb
Yeah, probably. And I'd be tempted to say the same to the OP if it weren't for the self indulgent controlling rubbish he's loaded this post with. He should absolutely leave but I'm more concerned at this stage at the emotional damage he's causing his wife and child.

I am sorry that you are suffering and struggling with depression, that is hard on its own and you need help. Counselling, medication, exercise all can help, and this has to happen regardless of the relationship.
Your wife was talking to a man and refused to show you the messages even tough she will show you what she's doing at other times. I wouldn't be happy with that either. On the other hand harassing her every second of every day is not going to achieve anything positive.
Personally I don't think "showering" someone with affection works. A relationship needs 2 stable equal partners. I hope that you will be able to reconnect, but if you don't it won't be the end of the world, you only have to read a few posts to see how many people have gone through it.
If you have made mistakes fix them, be the best person you can be.
And if you do lose your wife, you are still a parent. You can't give up on your child because life is not going the way you want/expect.

OP please get some counselling/therapy.
Feeling suicidal is a problem that needs to be dealt with (and please don't ever threaten your wife with it)
Your anxiety and insecurity also need to be addressed.