My wife may leave me.

[CMA7]

Hi all

In desperate need of some advice. I am writing this thread out of desperation so apologise for any errors. It is also my first post.

Problems started with me around 4 weeks ago when I asked my wife if she was cheating on me. A couple of things had happened that sent my mind into that method of thinking and after being up all night one night I decided to ask the question one morning. My wife completely denied my allegation towards her which was to be expected then later in the evening she decided she wanted to have a chat about where we going as she didn't feel she was in love with me anymore and that this had been brewing for a while but my accusation had made her want to take about it. She still advised she hadn't been cheating and told me what had lead her to her point of not being in love with me anymore. I agreed with her points and could see the damage I had caused and begged her for a chance to let me make things right. My wife allowed me to do this and the following days were really nice but then anxiety and depression started to kick in. We have a young child together and I admit I have been a bit lazy in his upbringing to this point.

In the following days/ weeks, Due to the anxiety I started to watch my wife's every move with her phone and was questioning everytime she was going on it. The anxiety got to the point where I had to ask her who she had been messaging on Facebook one afternoon. My wife did not lie and told me the truth that she had been messaging a mutual friend of ours who had been having problems with his own relationship. The couple in question are good friend of ours. I asked to see the messages that had been exchanged and was told no but was shown the screen which proved she wasnt lieing about who she was messaging. I then asked why I couldn't see the messages if she had nothing to hide and was told that she didn't need to justify herself. This obviosuly didn't do anything to help with the anxiety. The next day my wife told me that the messages had been deleted off her phone by the guy s he didn't want his partner knowing they had been messaging about the complications with their relationship. Again my anxiety spiraled out of control and I began to think again that she was cheating on me. I was unhappy with my wife and asked her why she was investing her time trying to help someone elses relationship when ours was on the line. My wife understood my point.

I managed to get over this and become very clingy to my wife due to the fear of losing her and my son. If anything, being clingy has made things worse but I have been over trying as I have not been receiving anything back. At this point I am 99% sure my wife hasn't been cheating on me as she only goes to work and then home and is in constant contact with me.

I told my wife that I had contemplated taking my own life not to make her feel sorry or anything for me but just to try and highlight that without her and my son around I didn't have much to live for. Althought he thoughts were serious I understood at the same time i realise it is really selfish but that is where the depression has got me too. The thoughts are still there and I do think that it will be my est option as I would have nothing left. I have close friends around me but refuse to talk to anyone other than my wife as I feel when I start to talk about it, it becomes 'real'. Part of the issue I am having aswell is I have a really close family around me but they live far away and I embarrassed to talk to them as I do not want them to put my wife under any pressure and I also feel embarrassed as I have caused the mess.

I am still watching my wife's every move with her phone and questioning her. She does get angry at this and will eventually, to my embarrassment show me what she has been doing on her phone etc. Without constantly blaming the anxiety this is the point I am at as my life is nothing without her and my so around. She has spoke about moving to her parents short term to see how things go but I have begged her not to as I feel that if she did this then we will be over forever. We have been together in total for 12 years and we were only 17 at the time of meeting, so my life has constantly involved her.

I understand that it is me that has caused this as I fell into the void of taking her for granted but just want to know how I go about winning her heart back and if this is achievable as she and my son as a family mean everything to me.

Shequakes

You might not advocate it, but it definitely is advocated. Posters are told all the time to get hold of their partner's phone somehow and get screenshots of messages. If a partner denies cheating the op is told that this is gaslighting. I've seen threads where posters are saying they feel suicidal - never have I seen them being told that they are abusive or selfish.

There are other threads running where 1 poster is ill and the husband is finding suddenly becoming a SAHP and full time carer difficult - the over whelming response is that the OP can't help being ill and the DH needs to step up and be a carer. Another thread with a mentally ill SD - poster bring told that mental health issues are an illness like any other, and that support on the NHS is practically non existent.

Yet in this thread the OP is told that his mental health issues are entirely his problem to sort out, that he is unfair to expect his wife's support, he must above all else consider how his illness is affecting his wife and that it's his fault that he hasn't received all the help to get him over this.

Maybe his wife is hiding something and his anxiety is due to the fact that she is gaslighting him, because deep down he knows that he's being lied to? You know, just like if it was a wife believing her husband was lying to her?

I was just abiut to type the same as the pp. your wife said you dont take enough responsibility with the child. You agreed with her, and arraned for someone to take responsibility for the child while you go away.

You dont need to wait until a weekend away to try to make amends. Take responsibility for your child now. Wash, dress, feed, guide, arrange a day out tomorrow for
Him now.

Regards the other stuff, well it has been said. Youve come across very controlling. I was going to add up the amount of times you blame anxiety, but i got bored counting. I missed the bit about what you have been doing about your anxiety though.

. I missed the bit about what you have been doing about your anxiety though.

He said he's been to the GP and has been referred for counselling.

In regards to all that was mentioned about my child. I am doing all of that. i had previously done this but i was a little lazy shall I say and never took my wife's feelings into account. The weekend away was something we had talked about for a while before everything had started but I suggested it again now as something to take both our minds off of the situation we are facing.

DecomposingComposers I agree there are double standards.

However, that's not everyone.

If you mental health or any illness is the reason you are abusing your partner, men and women, you have the responsibility to at least try and do something about that.

When an OP is acting like the OP here. I always point out that its abuse.

Jumping straight to gas lighting and assume the partner IS cheating despite OP admitting their mental health is making things worse . Doesnt help either.

He admits he isnt a good husband and doesnt really do much with the child. It's likely she feels she owes him nothing, including access to her phone, just because he has decided to be bothered about her now. And only bothered because he thinks he may lose her.

She may be cheating. I dont think she is. He may not have mental health issues but just ne an abuser who has realised that him basically ignoring her needs, doesnt bother her anymore. So is upping his game. But what we do know is that he isnt a great husband or father and only putting effort now he thinks he will lose her. Didnt bother before though.

You need to ask your wife what you can do to make her happy.

What are her needs. And then be prepared to act on what she says.

It isn't all about being WITH the right person BUT being the right person FOR the person you are with.

Ask her for a list and it will give you something else to focus on.

Possible things she may want:

A happy smile and a hug when you see each other.
A cuppa made for her.
Being asked what can I do to help.
A partner who knows what needs doing and has already started doing it.

Just ask her.

I'd like to say I did bother before. It may sound like a cliche but I showed her love in my own way. I never said I was a bad father I said I was a little bit lazy when it come to helping out. I may not have extended on the info. You are right in saying that it has taken me to.this point to realise what I have got and and the love and affection I should show her. I try my hardest not to blame my mental health state and do find it difficult having never suffered with any issues before. I admit life was comfortable and I had been taking our relationship for granted. All I want to do now is show her what her and my child mean to me and to make them both happy. The difficult thing is we do not row and in my opinion I am not verbally abusive in anyway. The issue started when I had some suspicion of cheating and that was when my wife said that she had been unhappy with me. It then lead me to thinking well she hasn't cheated yet but is this an opportunity to get out and find someone else.

shequakes there is a short period of time to do this .

I have a friend who posts all kinds to me about her H then says she will delete in case he looks at her phone...It's still on mine in Messenger . Same with WhatsApp - limited time . It's short .

If the OP was a woman, listing that her DH was messaging another woman and being secretive about their phone and refusing to let them see messages and that this behaviour was causing them to feel depressed, anxious and suicidal, everyone would be telling her that the husband was gaslighting her, that he was at least having an emotional affair, that she should attempt to snoop into his phone and ltb.

I do think some of the responses have been very harsh but I don't actually think it sounds like the wife has been secretive with her phone. She has repeatedly shown the OP what's on her phone, according to him, she just hasn't wanted to let him read all the messages which is fair enough. Female OPs actually frequently get told off for snooping and demanding unfettered access to their partners' messages. Not sure why this has to become a gender thing.

OP, I'm sorry you're in this position.

Focusing on your relationship is a red herring. Trying 'date nights' or time away, or flowers - even practical things around the house (though some may agree) - these are all red herrings.

What you need to deal with is you. That's not to point fingers, but rather to see what a relationship is in a different way. A successful relationship is a relationship between two whole people, and not two people who somehow, and for whatever reason/s, feel incomplete without the other person. You need to recover those parts of yourself you've lost touch with; you need to accept total responsibility for that recovery and your own mental health (even if some of the causes were beyond your control, i.e. started in childhood).

When you can get yourself into therapy, accept full responsibility for your own healing, then you bring more of yourself into your relationships with others.

Deal with yourself, and the relationship will work itself out, one way or another.

though some may *disagree

@DecomposingComposers posters are advised by some to take screenshots if there is actually clear evidence of cheating, they're not told to go on and snoop and do this if they just have suspicions, I have never seen that on MN.

I never said I was a bad father I said I was a little bit lazy when it come to helping out.

I think you need to change your perceptions of family life here. By using terms such as "helping out" you give the impression that these are your wife's responsibility and that you "help". However in reality you have been lazy when it comes to parenting your own child and taking care of your home. This workload must feel like a terrible burden to her.

You need to take responsibility for your own MH issues and fast. Your wife cannot be your therapist and sooth your anxiety. Your fears will end up pushing her away.

My wording is doing me no favours I admit. Helping out is the wrong phrase to use. I should have said my share of responsibilities in regards to my child. Housework wise we have always bickered over this as I try to keep place as tidy as possible and my wife has always been a bit relaxed over this.

motherofcats81

Seriously? I've seen it countless times. People posting exactly as the OP is here - their partner is secretive with their phone, appears to be messaging someone but they don't know who. I've seen them repeatedly told to make up alue about needing to use the partner's phone and then snoop through messages, or to look whilst partner is asleep. Even seen people told how to over ride finger print lock or to use partner's finger to unlock phone whilst they sleep.

And in this instance the OP does think something by toward is going on. How can he get proof if his wife is hiding things?

She has repeatedly shown the OP what's on her phone, according to him, she just hasn't wanted to let him read all the messages which is fair enough.

How has she shown him what's on her phone if she hasn't let him read all the messages? What is in the messages that she won't show him?

If she wants to go stay with her parents, support it, sounds like she needs some breathing space, you sound very intense, not many people could live with a partner like that. She might find she misses you. Give her the space she needs. Then take her out on a date, dinner and act like a normal couple, don't bombard her with questions/accusations or your needs. Whilst shes at her parents get counselling, do something so it looks like your making an effort but you need to want to change your behaviour. Good luck, I hope it works out for you both

OP you have been together for years but you are not the same people you were before. Your wife is allowed to not be happy in the marriage and have changed (without there being anyone else). She is allowed to leave
You need to get professional help being so reliant on her for your happiness is not sustainable - she stays and then what your anxiety gets worse and your depression escalates and so on and so on
GP appointment for you and maybe space for her is the only way to save this relationship

Shequakes

I'm not jumping straight to gaslighting. What I'm doing is pointing out that the wife might be gaslighting.

Most other posters have jumped straight on the OP saying that it's all his responsibility, he's being abusive by being anxious about some clearly suspicious behaviour and that he has to take full responsibility for his anxiety.

Maybe it's the wife's behaviour that is making him anxious?

You may think your wording is wrong.

I would suggest your thinking is wrong. You say help out because that's how you think about it.

Also you don have to be verbally abusive to be abusive. Watching her every move, demanding she hand over her phone etc is all abusive.

Look she might be cheating. Let's say she is, do you want to be that controlling person? Do you want to spend your life watching every single move?

Or she might not be, but the way you are acting is pushing her further and further away. As I have said, I have been in her position. And wasnt cheating. Not even an emotional affair. Nothing at all.

But the way exh made me feel put the nail in the coffin.

He made me feel scared, like I was being watched, I have to watch every workd because he would interpret it in another way, be home on time, give him notice of when I was leaving work etc. It put me under massive stress and he didnt care about that. So yeah, I didnt give a shit if he felt he had a right to access my phone because of how he felt when he didnt give a shit about my feelings. On top of that, the fact that he clearly thought I could cheat on him and come home to him every night, told me exactly what he thought of me and how little he knew me.

As I said, she could be cheating. Or you could be suffering from simply realising you didnt treat her well enough to keep her and now, you might lose her, you are panicking.

Do you know how shit it is to know your husband doesnt really give a shit about you, for years? With crumbs of affection and care dotted inbetween, the it disappears again. Its Soul destroying. Eventually you become numb and dont care anymore. Oddly, it's when they realise their actions no longer impact you, that they decide to change. Starting the emotional rollercoaster up again.

You need to figure out why you were ok to not worry about how the marriage was, until the minute your realise she might leave.

It smacks of 'I dont want you, but I dont want anyone else to have you'

The messages were deleted from her phone. Not by her but my the guy she was messaging. She advised me he asked her to remove them from her phone and she didn't know how to so he grabbed her phone and did it instead. I asked why he wanted them deleted and she said as he didn't want his other half to find out he had been moaning about there relationship. The guy in question is one of the mechanics she works with and him and his other half do often come round for dinner etc.

I have tried today to completely chill and not ask any questions about her phone and so on. I am constantly being asked what is wrong and why I am so quiet but just say there is nothing a matter.

Maybe it's the wife's behaviour that is making him anxious?

Maybe it is. That's still not excuse for abusing someone. His own mental health is his own responsibility. If he feels her actions are causing his MH problems. He to organise splitting up and get treatment.

But a lot of his actions by his own admission are abusive. And he admits a lot of it comes down to the fact that he knows he hasnt been a great husband or father.

Again, while he thought he had her and she wouldnt leave, he wasnt motivated to change his behaviour. The minute he realises he dowsnt have that power over her, he wants to make it work and claims mental health issues.

I have said several times. It could be either of them. He is still responsible for his own behaviour.

I am not surprised your wife is unhappy, hounding her is really going to help.

In fact you are abusive OP, reading through your controlling her checking her phone all the time, your using suicide as a crux to keep her with you, yet you make snarky comments saying she let you get this way, but its the 'My Wife' bit thats making me think your the same man from the other thread who was also constantly berating his wife.

Your an abusive man, seen too many red flags in your posts to tell me otherwise.