My wife may leave me.

[CMA7]

Hi all

In desperate need of some advice. I am writing this thread out of desperation so apologise for any errors. It is also my first post.

Problems started with me around 4 weeks ago when I asked my wife if she was cheating on me. A couple of things had happened that sent my mind into that method of thinking and after being up all night one night I decided to ask the question one morning. My wife completely denied my allegation towards her which was to be expected then later in the evening she decided she wanted to have a chat about where we going as she didn't feel she was in love with me anymore and that this had been brewing for a while but my accusation had made her want to take about it. She still advised she hadn't been cheating and told me what had lead her to her point of not being in love with me anymore. I agreed with her points and could see the damage I had caused and begged her for a chance to let me make things right. My wife allowed me to do this and the following days were really nice but then anxiety and depression started to kick in. We have a young child together and I admit I have been a bit lazy in his upbringing to this point.

In the following days/ weeks, Due to the anxiety I started to watch my wife's every move with her phone and was questioning everytime she was going on it. The anxiety got to the point where I had to ask her who she had been messaging on Facebook one afternoon. My wife did not lie and told me the truth that she had been messaging a mutual friend of ours who had been having problems with his own relationship. The couple in question are good friend of ours. I asked to see the messages that had been exchanged and was told no but was shown the screen which proved she wasnt lieing about who she was messaging. I then asked why I couldn't see the messages if she had nothing to hide and was told that she didn't need to justify herself. This obviosuly didn't do anything to help with the anxiety. The next day my wife told me that the messages had been deleted off her phone by the guy s he didn't want his partner knowing they had been messaging about the complications with their relationship. Again my anxiety spiraled out of control and I began to think again that she was cheating on me. I was unhappy with my wife and asked her why she was investing her time trying to help someone elses relationship when ours was on the line. My wife understood my point.

I managed to get over this and become very clingy to my wife due to the fear of losing her and my son. If anything, being clingy has made things worse but I have been over trying as I have not been receiving anything back. At this point I am 99% sure my wife hasn't been cheating on me as she only goes to work and then home and is in constant contact with me.

I told my wife that I had contemplated taking my own life not to make her feel sorry or anything for me but just to try and highlight that without her and my son around I didn't have much to live for. Althought he thoughts were serious I understood at the same time i realise it is really selfish but that is where the depression has got me too. The thoughts are still there and I do think that it will be my est option as I would have nothing left. I have close friends around me but refuse to talk to anyone other than my wife as I feel when I start to talk about it, it becomes 'real'. Part of the issue I am having aswell is I have a really close family around me but they live far away and I embarrassed to talk to them as I do not want them to put my wife under any pressure and I also feel embarrassed as I have caused the mess.

I am still watching my wife's every move with her phone and questioning her. She does get angry at this and will eventually, to my embarrassment show me what she has been doing on her phone etc. Without constantly blaming the anxiety this is the point I am at as my life is nothing without her and my so around. She has spoke about moving to her parents short term to see how things go but I have begged her not to as I feel that if she did this then we will be over forever. We have been together in total for 12 years and we were only 17 at the time of meeting, so my life has constantly involved her.

I understand that it is me that has caused this as I fell into the void of taking her for granted but just want to know how I go about winning her heart back and if this is achievable as she and my son as a family mean everything to me.

I have never cheated on my husband. I have had conversations with male friends that he is not privy to the contents of. Just like female friends, sometimes people share things that are embarrassing or personal or awful and they don't want you telling anyone else.

Damn right I would delete those before I'd show DH. Luckily he would not ask to see them.

She may be cheating, or already out the door and you can absolutely LTB if you wish. What you can't do is manipulate her into doing what you want.

This sounds horrific for your poor wife. You need an urgent apt with your gp to discuss your MH. Your wife has been raising a young child (which by your own admission you have not done your fair share of) and now she must effectively parent her clingy husband who is acting like a child. Its completely ok to experience MH issues but it is not ok to force your wife to be your only source of support, to threaten suicide if she ends the marriage and to exert this level of control of her where you constantly ask her who she is messaging and where she only goes to work and comes home with you both in constant contact. Where is her time to pursue hobbies or see friends? Where is your emotional support for her? Where is your acknowledgment that your wife cannot manage your MH issues alone and you need professional support? Go to your GP, seek counselling, encourage your wife to access her support network without you becoming clingy.

Someoneontheweb's post is great.

We don't know what's happening in OP's mind. For god's sake take him seriously when he says he's suicidal. Being wrong is worth risking in this instance. It can also be blackmail and be genuine at the same time. It could potentially be good in a way for the OP to have his concerns dismissed and minimised (thinking of suicide contagion). Otoh sometimes that's precisely the wrong tack, depending on the person and their state of mind. It's not possible to know which option is best from words on a screen.

OP, you've behaved badly but you're clearly having a very tough time right now and your behaviour reflects that. I'm glad you're seeking professional help. Please don't do anything rash. Suicide is never the best option. Please talk to your friends about this - you don't know how invaluable that could be just to have some real-life sympathy and someone listening to you. Yes ok, it becomes real, well it is real. By denying it you're staying stuck in this horrendous state of uncertainty where you're unable to actually tackle the problem. Once you admit it's real, you'll get relief from knowing you're in a position to address it. But if you're telling yourself that things aren't real until you talk about them, you have no means of taking control of the situation until you do talk about them (because you can't control the unreal), as power of suggestion is so strong.

I think there's some good advice here, please take it on board and act on it.

Bear in mind, yes, your wife may leave. That will always be a possibility, even when things seem good, that is still a possibility. But your behaviour at the moment is suffocating. Yes, she might be up to something, but either you stand by your instinct that she is, and act upon that, or you let it go and choose to trust her.

Even if she isn't up to anything, the way you are treating her will drive her away. And will only feed your anxiety. It's destructive to both of you. I think you know this from what you say in your replies. When she's on her phone DON'T ask. You will want to, but don't. Whether you do or not won't make a difference as to whether something is going on with her and someone else. But it could make a difference between the two of you and make life better. If you choose to trust her and stay with her then demonstrate that. If she's on her phone, don't ask, find something to do to distract yourself etc.

If you don't believe nothing is going on and she still denies it I don't see how you can viably stay together.

As for the suicide talk, if that's a genuine feeling for you, you absolutely must get support. Ring the Samaritans, ring Mind, speak to your GP. Tell them that's how you feel.

But start looking around you, whilst you might be devastated to "lose" your wife and son, you would never actually lose your son. Millions of people are single parents and have amazing relationships with their children despite not all living together. You will always be your child's father and the only one they have. Suicide does huge damage to relatives who remain. Particularly children. My friend has just lost her husband through illness, their children (primary school age) are absolutely devastated. Don't leave your child in that position out of choice.

What is very clear and why so many respondents are frustrated is that they/ we can see that your wife must feel totally exhausted by your behaviour.

You could well be suffering from anxiety and depression but as you’ve never felt like you do before and you haven’t been diagnosed you seem very quick to blame your behaviour on them. You’re smart and perceptive enough to identify your feelings and how difficult they are for you but when talk about them in relation to your wife you quickly diminish it as being silly. Abuse is not just about intent, from your point of view everything you’ve done is out of desperation but on the other side of this is a woman who is being emotionally beaten by someone who can’t get past his own needs and wants. Your wife wasn’t responsible for you slipping into laziness, you were.

If you truly love your wife you need to start thinking about her and that means entertaining the idea that she could be happier without you. At present your behaviour is still all about your needs and that’s the problem. Did you tell the GP about your suicidal thoughts?

Date nights and flowers don’t undercut your oppressive behaviour, plasters are no use when there is a gaping wound.

I hope you get help but I equally want your wife to prioritise her MH by getting some distance from you.

I have booked a weekend away for us both next week and her mum and dad will be having our child. I have recently returned home with flowers etc. This is something I would regularly do in the past. I just want to show my wife that deep down i still care tremendously about her.

That's good but those are the nice, easy things. You also need to ensure that the tasks at home / brining up your child where you have become 'lazy' are done with no chasing or reminding required. They become part of your everyday routine and you do not slip back into your old bad habits.

I'm glad you've reached out for help. It will be difficult but you have to work hard sometimes to get yourself out of the situation you find yourself in.

Hi @CMA7 i really hope you and your wife can get this sorted and rekindle your spark for each other! because you got together so young you have grown up together and probably grown into some unhealthy habits as well. There is nothing more attractive than seeing your partner be a great parent and playing with the child/children you've created together....if you know you have been a bit lazy then now's the time to step up and regardless of where your marriage is going,work on being the best dad you can and take your 50% of the responsibilities of parenting.....your relationship with your child shouldn't depend on your marriage. Let your wife breathe by backing off with the overly clingy and need for constant reassurance,but also show her your love with spontaneous flowers/chocs.....get a good board game out go to a kareoke night together....somw light hearted fun and nothing intense. Also look after yourself,get to counselling as you are using your wife to confide in everything and if she's already feeling drained,to hear about you and your anxiety is going to push her away......make the effort with your appearance and generally be the very best version of yourself you can be.....if it's not enough then at least you know you gave it your all and can still continue to be a fantastic dad....work on these 3 things

1. your child
2. your wife

3.yourself good luck op

My advice would be:

1. Get medical help with your depression
2. Focus more on your child instead of obsessing about your wife's every move
3. Initiate more family activities for all of you that may encourage your wife to be more positive about you all as a family

Thank you for the positive posts. It means alot and I can use this advice to take on board to change and make up to my wife where i have let her down.

Hi OP. My husband went through sonmething like this, he didn't think I was cheating but he had anxiety about his own health. It was coming on gradually over a few yrs. Various things in his life caused it. But it became unbearable. For him and for me. What you have is a mental health issue. My husband s behaviour got really bad eventually it came to a head we had a talk and came home early from a holiday with 3 kids to see our G.P who was amazing. He was put on lexapro which he fought goinhmg on for 3 months as he thought he could heal himself..he couldnt. He also takes a relaxant. He went to weekly councelling for 7 months.....3 yrs on he is a changed man. He had to work on himself a n awful lot and he takes his meds...my advice is go to the gp. Immediately. Ask your wife to go to or to write a letter to the gp that you can hand over explaining everything as it can be hard to get the words out at the start...TRUST me you will get through this. Do what the experts say.

Apologies for the spelling errors am on my phone . I don't think a weekend away is a good idea at this point. You have come to a head now. You will be no fun to be away with. Believe me , I have been your wife. Get help , go on meds. In about 3 months time of doing this you will be more your old self. Go away then not now. If I was your wife this would be my worst nightmare to be away alone with you now as you are suffocating at the moment.

OP, I was your wife.

I absolutely wasnt cheating. Not even close. I did message Male friends. Friends. Nothing more not even close.

And yes, I did have a right to privacy. He went through my phone anyway. He could see everything and wasnt enough. But I would be damned if i had to hand over my phone everytime he demanded it. When the problem was him. And, no, my husbands poor behaviour wasnt in part my fault because I let him get away with it.

The issues was that he knew after the first 10 years of marriage he tret me like shit for the last 5. He wanted to do what he wanted, got involved with the kids when he wanted not when it would have actually supported me. His anxiety came purely from the fact that he knew he hadnt been a good husband and he couldnt blame me if I walked away.

He watched my every move, which the escalated to stalking. He began to scare me. Counselling didnt help. He just changed his approach. It was too late.

We are divorced. Have been separated for 3 years. I am with someone else now.

Exh continued to watch every move. He followed me etc. Got arrested etc. He has no idea where me and ds live. He has supervised contact with ds only.

He still believes I cheated, he thinks the man I am with now, I must have known and being sleeping with when I left. Doesnt matter to him that I had never met dp until well after the split.

In short, he is a miserable man who, in some ways knows it's his fault but then in others can not believe I had the guts to walk away without having someone else to go to.

The irony is, that within 10 months of us splitting, he met a new woman and moved in with her and her kids. Then split with her less than a year later. Me and dp dont live together. I love having my own home. Love being independent. Love that I get time with DP and plenty of time away.

You need to sort yourself out for you. Because it might be too late. But if you sort yourself out, you can be happy again. If you sort yourself out and she falls in love with you again and you move past this, that would be good.

I really dislike any one (men or women) feeling they have the absolute right to go through someones phone. Especially when it's because a person realised they are a shot partner and start panicking.

Flowers and a weekend away would absolutely not make up for years of you being "lazy". It would just make me resentful as you are also getting a weekend away and flowers for no reason generally just require more admin anyway- trimming, arranging, keeping watered, disposing of.

Feel free to book trips away for her but with her mum or a friend. Meanwhile you show her you are someone worth sharing a life with - pull your weight (and more - you have lost time to make up for) around the house. Take your child out one-to-one, play with them, plan their meals.

Give your wife space, this will not fix overnight, if at all. Read your posts - most sentences start with I or have me in them. At the moment it's all about you and how you're feeling, whereas if you want it fixed its actions that'll do it, not talking. Seek counselling or find something to channel your anxiety onto, itll only push your wife away otherwise.

The next day my wife told me that the messages had been deleted off her phone by the guy s he didn't want his partner knowing they had been messaging about the complications with their relationship

She is lying by saying this . No one can delete messages off your chat remotely.

Flowers and a weekend away would absolutely not make up for years of you being "lazy". It would just make me resentful as you are also getting a weekend away and flowers for no reason generally just require more admin anyway- trimming, arranging, keeping watered, disposing of.

I agree. Please dont do this. Exh tried this. I felt patronised and trapped away with him..

She is lying by saying this . No one can delete messages off your chat remotely.

Oddly, last night I was deleting messages between me and my sil. A private converstation where she shared something she doesnt want dp to know yet.

It gave me the option of deleting the message from my converstation or from both. I don't know if it would have deleted them from silas phone. I am with her now and will check.

Just done it now and it does remove the message from the other phone. But it leaves a notification 'she quakes has removed a message'.

I have attached a photo of the options it gives.

As I say, it then says in my chat that I have relived a message. And in hers that I have removed a message. It doesnt just disappear

This is Facebook messenger.

You need to think of her as a separate person with needs of her own throughout this she is simply your wife and how she relates to you

Also even here you are clearly minimizing the issues that brought you here in the first place rather than brushing them under the carpet and bringing it all round to her cheating on you

Honestly I think the only thing you can do here is sort out your anxiety problem. You owe it to her to take care of yourself. It’s good that you’ve been in contact with your GP but these things can often take a lot of time if you aren’t proactive.

I can't believe some of these responses. If the OP was a woman, listing that her DH was messaging another woman and being secretive about their phone and refusing to let them see messages and that this behaviour was causing them to feel depressed, anxious and suicidal, everyone would be telling her that the husband was gaslighting her, that he was at least having an emotional affair, that she should attempt to snoop into his phone and ltb.

Yet because the OP is a man here you all feel it ok to pile on?

It’s been said already but you need to get to the GP quick...
It might be too late for you and your wife but you need to think about the future - your health, your wife’s health and your child’s health.
I suffer from anxiety and depression and I know I’m not as focused on anyone when I have an episode- so you need to try and sort that side first..
Good luck - maybe talk to a friend in RL?

Just reading more posts. Again, if a woman posted saying she thought her husband was having an emotional affair but he wouldn't let her see her phone would you be telling her to go to the GP and ask for medication so that her anxiety about a possible affair is medicated away, and to then give her husband space to chat to other women, and to concentrate more on making her husband feel loved?

Honestly, you know that no one would say this to a woman posting the same op.

DecomposingComposers you are wrong. I never advocate that sort of stuff. Because I have been in the position of OPs wife and always consider that.

I didnt have an affair, emotional or otherwise. But was subject to abuse because of exhs paranoia.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are having a tough time.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

I'm not sure that booking a weekend away is quite the right thing, unless she has specifically asked for one?

Her complaints were that you don't take on an adequate share of the work of being a family and that you treat her like a wife appliance, not a human being (I'm paraphrasing). Did she say "I am unhappy because we don't get enough mini breaks and time as a couple"? No, she did not. She said that she needed you to step up and pull your weight with regards to childcare. So how is a weekend away going to demonstrate that you are listening to her, agree things need to change and are prepared to put in the work?

Whisking her off for the weekend so NO ONE has to do any domestic labour isn't the solution - it's just an opportunity for you to suggest lots of sex and "showering her with affection".

Perhaps relationship counselling will be of benefit. You are getting these harsh responses because you're a man.

Yesterday a woman confessed to cheating on her partner twice and was getting pampered from many posters ... it's called double standards.

You'd be better off on another support site if you don't want continuous slating.

There's a big difference between constructive criticism and being nasty. Sadly some people struggle with understanding this..or they just don't give a damn.

Your self esteem will take a battering on here from the majority.