My wife may leave me.

[CMA7]

Hi all

In desperate need of some advice. I am writing this thread out of desperation so apologise for any errors. It is also my first post.

Problems started with me around 4 weeks ago when I asked my wife if she was cheating on me. A couple of things had happened that sent my mind into that method of thinking and after being up all night one night I decided to ask the question one morning. My wife completely denied my allegation towards her which was to be expected then later in the evening she decided she wanted to have a chat about where we going as she didn't feel she was in love with me anymore and that this had been brewing for a while but my accusation had made her want to take about it. She still advised she hadn't been cheating and told me what had lead her to her point of not being in love with me anymore. I agreed with her points and could see the damage I had caused and begged her for a chance to let me make things right. My wife allowed me to do this and the following days were really nice but then anxiety and depression started to kick in. We have a young child together and I admit I have been a bit lazy in his upbringing to this point.

In the following days/ weeks, Due to the anxiety I started to watch my wife's every move with her phone and was questioning everytime she was going on it. The anxiety got to the point where I had to ask her who she had been messaging on Facebook one afternoon. My wife did not lie and told me the truth that she had been messaging a mutual friend of ours who had been having problems with his own relationship. The couple in question are good friend of ours. I asked to see the messages that had been exchanged and was told no but was shown the screen which proved she wasnt lieing about who she was messaging. I then asked why I couldn't see the messages if she had nothing to hide and was told that she didn't need to justify herself. This obviosuly didn't do anything to help with the anxiety. The next day my wife told me that the messages had been deleted off her phone by the guy s he didn't want his partner knowing they had been messaging about the complications with their relationship. Again my anxiety spiraled out of control and I began to think again that she was cheating on me. I was unhappy with my wife and asked her why she was investing her time trying to help someone elses relationship when ours was on the line. My wife understood my point.

I managed to get over this and become very clingy to my wife due to the fear of losing her and my son. If anything, being clingy has made things worse but I have been over trying as I have not been receiving anything back. At this point I am 99% sure my wife hasn't been cheating on me as she only goes to work and then home and is in constant contact with me.

I told my wife that I had contemplated taking my own life not to make her feel sorry or anything for me but just to try and highlight that without her and my son around I didn't have much to live for. Althought he thoughts were serious I understood at the same time i realise it is really selfish but that is where the depression has got me too. The thoughts are still there and I do think that it will be my est option as I would have nothing left. I have close friends around me but refuse to talk to anyone other than my wife as I feel when I start to talk about it, it becomes 'real'. Part of the issue I am having aswell is I have a really close family around me but they live far away and I embarrassed to talk to them as I do not want them to put my wife under any pressure and I also feel embarrassed as I have caused the mess.

I am still watching my wife's every move with her phone and questioning her. She does get angry at this and will eventually, to my embarrassment show me what she has been doing on her phone etc. Without constantly blaming the anxiety this is the point I am at as my life is nothing without her and my so around. She has spoke about moving to her parents short term to see how things go but I have begged her not to as I feel that if she did this then we will be over forever. We have been together in total for 12 years and we were only 17 at the time of meeting, so my life has constantly involved her.

I understand that it is me that has caused this as I fell into the void of taking her for granted but just want to know how I go about winning her heart back and if this is achievable as she and my son as a family mean everything to me.

I’m sorry- your wife wants out, but she doesn’t have the character to say it to your face - so she cheats to force your hand.

Nothing to do with you not doing enough chores - if that were a trigger 95% of women in relationships would be cheating every day!

Don’t be down on yourself, this says a lot more about her than you.

You need to leave her. And you need therapy also.

@CMA7

Can you really trust this woman?
Shes made you so incredibly unhappy.
You knew something was wrong.
She gaslighted you horrifically when you brought it up- turned it around on you and made it your fault.
She let you run yourself ragged trying to please her and had the gall to be annoyed at you while you did that...

Shes horrible to you OP.
Wouldn't you be better off without her in your life? No one should make another human being this miserable. Dont you deserve better ??

Thabk youbfor your kind posts it means alot. I completely feel disgusted by her actions as I feel like she is trying to be the person she isn't. She has told me that she wants to be the 17 year old her again and have a laugh. I'm sorry you have a husband mortgage and a baby that isn't fair. I have tried talking to her and asking questions but constantly shut down and told that she owes me nothing so I dont need answers. Of course i need answers if I'm to move on in life and find someone else i need to make sure I look out for signs or trust or lack of it. I'm am completely numb and refuse to talk to my family as the love I have for her wants me to avoid any embarrassment on her part. I know that is silly but hopefully it gives you the sense of the kind of person I am.

It's not the love you have for her. Its the lack of love you have for yourself.

@CMA7 in the kindest possible way, this statement is how you will end up breaking your DCs heart during this time:

"I know that is silly but hopefully it gives you the sense of the kind of person I am."

You have absolutely NO space to be "this kind of person" right now. You NEED to find your lion heart here. TELL YOUR FAMILY. You are suicidal my darling. You need to call in reinforcements. You need support.

Dont be a martyr to this stupid fucking woman. Find your anger and assemble your team. Start making plans for yourself and your DC. Do not let a cruel, infantile woman decide your mental health and future for you.

Do it for DC if you won't do it for yourself.

I'm sending you love but also a short verbal slap because I dont want to see you fall on your sword in the service of being a "nice guy". You won't get an award for that. You'll just fuck yourself and your DC over. Think about it

OP - please don’t be a mug - don’t lose what pride you have trying to protect your ‘DW’ from the consequences of her actions. She didn’t want your ‘nice guy’ and you need to find some strength now to protect your DC from the fallout of separation. Right now she is enthralled in her affair and very pleased with herself. She’s going to discover that her responsibilities won’t just go away. Think now about childcare split and arrangements, access for each of you, finances, where to live. And tell your family for goodness sake. Good luck OP.

Sorry to hear your update
Honestly though, I think her explanation of "I couldn't live with the guilt" is, in her mind, a kinder way of just saying she's done and doesn't want to try. I would be cautious of pinning hopes on working through it. Give her space. If she chooses not to come back then you wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't want you fully surely? As much as that hurts, it would be for the best in the long run. If she wants to try she needs to reach that decision herself without pressure otherwise you will never know if her heart is in it. And nor will she. Best of luck.