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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this normal?

201 replies

arissa9 · 07/06/2019 15:13

Hey all,

This is my first post so sorry if it’s in the wrong place! So I met this guy recently, we have a lot in common but not all good things. We’re both pretty young, early 20’s. The only thing is his behaviour that has me questioning whether I should end contact. We met online about a month ago and he asked me to stay with him for a month which I currently am (I know, silly decision).

He’s very introverted, has no friends, He told me basically his whole life history very early on (matter of days) Started asking me how many kids I want. Constantly texts 24/7 from when he wakes up at 8am, while he’s working, then calls as soon as he finishes work, stays on the phone for like 3 hours even if we run out of things to say he just stays on the phone while he’s just chilling and eating. He texts me constant while he’s at work asking what I’m doing etc.

I Didn’t reply to his text till an hour after he sent it and he messaged me, then texted and called multiple times asking if he did something wrong then saying he got worried. He’s planning on us moving in when I do my masters, already looked at the campus and everything. Told him what I was studying and he has spoken to a friend of his about getting me a job but this place is in the city where he lives, he said I can move in with him and travel to uni.

There’s some name calling, remarks, teasing, jokey “threats” he’s said things like “I’m keeping this one” but he’s northern so I think that’s his character. He can be a bit rough sometimes with slapping on he butt and pulling my arm. He Keeps going on about getting a dog together sending me pictures and videos. If I’m with other people he tends to flood my messages with pictures of dogs. Anytime it seems like I’m sending a message he asks who I’m chatting up or who I’m talking to.
He’s said things when he’s laying on my stomach like “I can hear the baby’s heartbeat” I said there is no baby and he said there will be soon.

When a programme came on recently about pregnancy he says laughingly “don’t get attached” “that’s why you don’t have kids” then he gets up to go to the toilet, and as soon as he comes back he asks me about my contraceptive pill. He says this every time there’s a programme on about kids of pregnancy. When we’re out in public he points out kids, if we pass a kids aisle he says “don’t get any ideas” he’s recently suggested having sex without a condom (both been tested and everything) which I was stupidly considering but not anymore since I mentioned that if we did he’d have to pull out and he hesitated a bit. He’s always touching my stomach, I had a bellyache recently and he said maybe you’re pregnant but he didn’t say it in his usual jokey way. I feel like I have a little voice in my head telling me he’s a bit off but I don’t know if I’m just being over the top or paranoid. Any help or advice would be great!

OP posts:
pictish · 07/06/2019 15:18

Of course it’s not normal.

Thingsdogetbetter · 07/06/2019 15:21

Fucking hell this is not fucking normal! Leg it quick! Stop being so bloody nice and run.

If you're depending on condoms get the morning after pill asap. He is not to trusted!

Michaelbaubles · 07/06/2019 15:21

He’s a nut job, I do hope you realise that. This is not at all normal behaviour. One month in you should be seeing each other a couple of times a week, still dressing up for dates and trying to hold in trumps. Where’s your courtship? Where’s the romance? This is a crazy way to do things.

Grumpyoldblonde · 07/06/2019 15:23

Got yourself a weirdo there, dump and don’t look back.

MammEEE · 07/06/2019 15:23

Definitely not normal. Check Claire's Law on him, everything about him in your post reeks of abuse, jealousy, control, possessiveness. If you stay with him sooner or later you'll have to have a restraining order out against him. Seriously RUN

Johngon · 07/06/2019 15:24

Wow. He is an absolute fucking weirdo. Run as fast as you can. Terrifying.

AdaColeman · 07/06/2019 15:24

Run. Run for the hills, and don't look back!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/06/2019 15:25

I have read some frightening posts in my time on here but yours is one of the very worst. There are so many red flags here re him I do not know where to start. You and he patently should not be at all together; he comes across as abusive, unhinged and paranoid.

What was life like for you before you met this person?. You are only in your early 20s; what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Can you return home easily?.

re your comment:-
"We met online about a month ago and he asked me to stay with him for a month which I currently am (I know, silly decision)".

If you do indeed know why did you say yes to moving in with him?.

That was indeed a silly decision on your part; the question here also is why you thought it was ever a good idea to basically throw in your lot with a man you had known one month. It shows me just how poor your boundaries are; they are practically non existent and that has also made you a far easier target for a predator like this to get his teeth into.

Anniegetyourgun · 07/06/2019 15:25

Eep! Run away, run away.

Divinelyuninspired · 07/06/2019 15:26

So you’re actually living with him? He sounds awful.

clarazabel · 07/06/2019 15:26

Not normal

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 07/06/2019 15:27

RUN. BLOCK. DELETE. This is very very far from normal.

nixso29 · 07/06/2019 15:28

Sounds more like a stalker than a boyfriend! Does he have any good qualities about him?

Frownette · 07/06/2019 15:28

I can't comprehend why you're staying with him for a month when you barely know him. It's not normal, you've bypassed the fun stage and there aren't boundaries

supercali77 · 07/06/2019 15:30

Jesus christ. Run for the f**ing hills girl

rainbowstardrops · 07/06/2019 15:30

Weird of weirdville. Run

SheepOnRafts · 07/06/2019 15:36

No, it’s not normal. He’s abusive. All the signs are there. That means he wants to hurt and control you. He wants to get you pregnant so that you are reliant on him and so you he can control and threaten you and your child for the WHOLE of its childhood (whether you remain together or not). His behaviour will become more and more controlling and violent. When you have a baby with him it will all ramp up.
He will ruin your life.
You need to learn about the signs of abuse and to create boundaries for yourself in terms of how you allow people to treat you. This guy has crossed so many boundaries. He does not care about you. You need to cut all contact with him.
Do the Freedom Programme online
freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Bluerussian · 07/06/2019 15:42

The man's behaviour is AB-normal! You are mad staying with him for a month without getting to know him. Leg it quickly.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/06/2019 15:45

Wow - soooooo NOT normal.
The fact you need to ask is a bit worrying!
RUN - THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

NunoGoncalves · 07/06/2019 15:54

We met online about a month ago and he asked me to stay with him for a month

At this point it was already not normal.

Then it just got more and more worrying as the post went on.

CaptainJaneway62 · 07/06/2019 15:55

This had all the hallmarks of an abusive relationship.
Lovebombing, controlling your everyday activity(keeping you on the phone for hours), rough handling, it's all about control emotional and physical.
You need to get out now while you can.
Google - how to spot an abuser you will see plenty examples of his type of behaviour.
Try and do some reading...Lundy Bancroft "Why Does He Do That?"
is a good place to start.
You are young and you need to raise the bar a lot higher and not accept this kind of behaviour from any man!

MoonstoneMagic · 07/06/2019 15:58

I thought this was a windup initially. The guy is so clearly absolutely barking mad I cannot understand why you haven’t got out long ago. He sounds quite crazy.

IWantMyHatBack · 07/06/2019 15:59

Run like the fucking wind!

SparklyMagpie · 07/06/2019 16:21

I think what's madder is the fact you are still with him Confused who on earth would think any of that was normal

GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap · 07/06/2019 16:27

This is as far from normal as it gets. Leave, he sounds quite frankly verging on dangerous. You need to think very carefully before getting into a situation like this again and work on your standards!