Is this normal?

[arissa9]

Hey all,

This is my first post so sorry if it’s in the wrong place! So I met this guy recently, we have a lot in common but not all good things. We’re both pretty young, early 20’s. The only thing is his behaviour that has me questioning whether I should end contact. We met online about a month ago and he asked me to stay with him for a month which I currently am (I know, silly decision).

He’s very introverted, has no friends, He told me basically his whole life history very early on (matter of days) Started asking me how many kids I want. Constantly texts 24/7 from when he wakes up at 8am, while he’s working, then calls as soon as he finishes work, stays on the phone for like 3 hours even if we run out of things to say he just stays on the phone while he’s just chilling and eating. He texts me constant while he’s at work asking what I’m doing etc.

I Didn’t reply to his text till an hour after he sent it and he messaged me, then texted and called multiple times asking if he did something wrong then saying he got worried. He’s planning on us moving in when I do my masters, already looked at the campus and everything. Told him what I was studying and he has spoken to a friend of his about getting me a job but this place is in the city where he lives, he said I can move in with him and travel to uni.

There’s some name calling, remarks, teasing, jokey “threats” he’s said things like “I’m keeping this one” but he’s northern so I think that’s his character. He can be a bit rough sometimes with slapping on he butt and pulling my arm. He Keeps going on about getting a dog together sending me pictures and videos. If I’m with other people he tends to flood my messages with pictures of dogs. Anytime it seems like I’m sending a message he asks who I’m chatting up or who I’m talking to.
He’s said things when he’s laying on my stomach like “I can hear the baby’s heartbeat” I said there is no baby and he said there will be soon.

When a programme came on recently about pregnancy he says laughingly “don’t get attached” “that’s why you don’t have kids” then he gets up to go to the toilet, and as soon as he comes back he asks me about my contraceptive pill. He says this every time there’s a programme on about kids of pregnancy. When we’re out in public he points out kids, if we pass a kids aisle he says “don’t get any ideas” he’s recently suggested having sex without a condom (both been tested and everything) which I was stupidly considering but not anymore since I mentioned that if we did he’d have to pull out and he hesitated a bit. He’s always touching my stomach, I had a bellyache recently and he said maybe you’re pregnant but he didn’t say it in his usual jokey way. I feel like I have a little voice in my head telling me he’s a bit off but I don’t know if I’m just being over the top or paranoid. Any help or advice would be great!

I agree with previous posters. Is this genuine?

I really hope it's not genuine.
No-one can be this dumb - surely???????

I very much doubt that this is real. OP would have been out of there by now and instead she(?) is stalling and minimising. MNHQ, could you take a look at this please?

You met a month ago and he wants to live with you and get you pregnant? Run!!

well it may not be real, but sadly there are men out there like this - i met one and fell for him, also very quickly, and looking back now, can't believe I was so taken in.

lovebombing and cognitive dissonance, trauma bonds etc are very powerful tools. And there are vulnerable women who fall for this and can't see the wood for the trees and who stay with men like this, who even believe they are in love etc etc , even after violence and the worse abuse.

For god’s sake get away today. I’m worried you think this is ok- how many red flags do you need?

Do not discuss leaving with him - he grabbed you by the neck for turning off a light what do you think he will do if you say you’re leaving? Do you grab people by the neck if they do something you dont like? He is a monster.

Pack and leave when he’s out - change your phone number and block him as he’ll try and charm you into coming back. The suicide is just a threat to get you to do what he wants.

This is seriously bad get away today but i pray you have already.

It's really worrying that you don't know if this is normal or not. He sounds pretty dangerous to me and you sound very vulnerable. Please don't stay with this man.

Somehow the OP can spend her day on mumsnet posting about her situation whilst being watched and imprisoned by a lunatic? Hmm...
If it isn’t true, the real sickos are the people who post this stuff to get attention.

This just doesn't sound genuine 🤔

@MoonstoneMagic very good point

Quite unbelievable either way - genuine or not

@arissa9 - your posts made my blood run cold.

I was with someone like this. I was 17 and I thought I knew everything and that almost killed me. Correction, he almost killed me.

Your first post - I could have written it myself about my relationship. 3 years after we got together, after being locked in a room for 3 days and having to climb out of a 2nd story window whilst 5 months pregnant, then having a miscarriage after being beaten as punishment, after losing consciousness when he strangled me one night, watching everything go dark and being terrified I wasn't going to wake up again, after having my ribs, my nose and my jaw broken, after being bitten and burnt and punched and...

there's too much to list. But after 3 years of that, I ran away. I didn't leave with my dignity, I left with my life. Dignity means nothing when someone can physically beat it out of you.

It took me several years to put myself back together. Over 20 years on, I'm still nervous being around men in enclosed spaces.

I know none of this is nice to hear but if I can scare you enough to make sure this doesn't happen to you, then it's worth it.

He's unstable. It's not your fault - it's very probably not his fault either but there's two indisputable facts you need to know:

1. You CANNOT fix him
2. If you don't leave, he WILL escalate and he WILL break you.

Stay strong, be clever, be discreet and at the first possible opportunity, run to someone you trust.

I know it seems silly at the moment. That's what they want you to think. Don't be fooled and don't minimise - this is how they maintain control.

Oh, and delete your browsing history. Make sure he cannot ever see this. If you've got somewhere safe that you can browse, read this:
freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Please, please, please don't get sucked into this. It happens gradually but within months you'll lose your pride, your dignity, your personality and everything else that makes you you. Stay safe. You have family that love you - go to them because this man is incapable of loving you.

Actually she contradicts herself a few times even in the opening post, he has no friends, then his friend might be able to see about a job.

He questions her on her phone usage then she's on MN. She doesn't want contact. Then yes she does. She can leave. No, she can't

@IceQueenCometh

I very much doubt that this is real. OP would have been out of there by now and instead she(?) is stalling and minimising. MNHQ, could you take a look at this please?

I know it doesn't sound real but I've been in the op's place and I understand how it happens. They seem so fragile and needy that it's both intoxicating and places a huge responsibility on the woman who feels she has to understand and support them.

It took me far too long to realise what was happening. From the outside, it seems obvious but on the inside you don't have any validation, just a closed feedback loop with the man who's abusing you.

It may well be a troll but, regardless, I'd rather look stupid responding to a troll than ignoring someone who needs to know what can happen. And if it helps a lurker in the same position, then it's not a bad thing.

OP, as someone who has both been in an abusive relationship and also now works in mental health- yes, you are in danger. As others have said I also question whether he has taken the week off work to stop you from leaving. His reference to suicidality is another tactic to try and stop you from leaving. From your OP I got the strong warning signs that he would become physically abusive... and he already is. That "jokey" grip round the throat? Won't be jokey next time. And by then it's the norm.

Please DO NOT have a conversation with him about wanting to leave- this will only put you in a more vulnerable place and lead to him upping the stakes to keep you where you are (through threats or violence).

And for those saying they doubt the OP, please don't underestimate how powerful abusers are and the way they can spin things to make leaving seem like a bad idea. They hold so much control and it's easy to see how bad things are from the outside.

Please OP, seek support from friends or a charity to get yourself out and safe. X

@DitchyMcAbandonpants sadly I was in this position too. Took me 15 years to get out. I only really saw it for what it was after I'd left. I never shared my experience or concerns with anyone; if I had I hope that I would have got out sooner. Or never got sucked in at the beginning which is what I sincerely hope will be the outcome for OP. Every day this continues the harder it will be to get away as we both know. I guess that's why I'm feeling very frustrated - he can't have that kind of hold over her already but that's changing daily. She needs to move NOW.

I was in this position - right down to staying with the person straight away and getting pregnant. Luckily I realised the foolishness of that and ended the pregnancy, but I stayed with him until it escalated from coercive control and abuse to actual violence. It was only when I realised that I could have been killed (after hitting my head on concrete when he pushed me over), that I took action. It's so easy to get drawn in.

My ex was obsessed with pregnancy - all about control and power. He got another woman pregnant and then left her. He also (I found out later) physically abused other women.

Not at all normal

@IceQueenCometh

Every day this continues the harder it will be to get away as we both know. I guess that's why I'm feeling very frustrated - he can't have that kind of hold over her already but that's changing daily. She needs to move NOW.

I'm so sorry you've had to experience this too.
I know exactly how you feel. I share your frustration - she absolutely needs to move now. But... ugh... if anyone had told me this in the early days (you know, when you're being love-bombed and the controlling behaviour can still be framed as loving concern with a touch of neediness) then, well, I'm ashamed to say that I probably wouldn't have listened either.

I think the frustration comes about because we know what's happening and can see it developing with a clarity that the OP doesn't have yet. I'm still not sure if my reply was the right one but she's reaching out for advice so maybe - just maybe - we might be able to scare her into keeping herself safe.

There's nothing good about this situation. The thought of another young woman obliviously walking into this level of misery, trauma and fear just breaks my heart.

@DitchyMcAbandonpants You could be right. But OP is asking questions that I wouldn't have asked at that stage and she knows that something is amiss. I, on the other hand, was blinded by the love-bombing and believed he was "the One". The abuse didn't really kick in for over a year, though I can see that the signs were there, if subtly.

Take their advice... run...

Good god no, he fucking insane!!! Dump by txt, block and run, do not be alone with this weirdo

This can't be real, nobody can be THIS stupid

Where's the OP gone?

Have you ever seen Boxing Helena, because I think that's what has happened.