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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this normal?

201 replies

arissa9 · 07/06/2019 15:13

Hey all,

This is my first post so sorry if it’s in the wrong place! So I met this guy recently, we have a lot in common but not all good things. We’re both pretty young, early 20’s. The only thing is his behaviour that has me questioning whether I should end contact. We met online about a month ago and he asked me to stay with him for a month which I currently am (I know, silly decision).

He’s very introverted, has no friends, He told me basically his whole life history very early on (matter of days) Started asking me how many kids I want. Constantly texts 24/7 from when he wakes up at 8am, while he’s working, then calls as soon as he finishes work, stays on the phone for like 3 hours even if we run out of things to say he just stays on the phone while he’s just chilling and eating. He texts me constant while he’s at work asking what I’m doing etc.

I Didn’t reply to his text till an hour after he sent it and he messaged me, then texted and called multiple times asking if he did something wrong then saying he got worried. He’s planning on us moving in when I do my masters, already looked at the campus and everything. Told him what I was studying and he has spoken to a friend of his about getting me a job but this place is in the city where he lives, he said I can move in with him and travel to uni.

There’s some name calling, remarks, teasing, jokey “threats” he’s said things like “I’m keeping this one” but he’s northern so I think that’s his character. He can be a bit rough sometimes with slapping on he butt and pulling my arm. He Keeps going on about getting a dog together sending me pictures and videos. If I’m with other people he tends to flood my messages with pictures of dogs. Anytime it seems like I’m sending a message he asks who I’m chatting up or who I’m talking to.
He’s said things when he’s laying on my stomach like “I can hear the baby’s heartbeat” I said there is no baby and he said there will be soon.

When a programme came on recently about pregnancy he says laughingly “don’t get attached” “that’s why you don’t have kids” then he gets up to go to the toilet, and as soon as he comes back he asks me about my contraceptive pill. He says this every time there’s a programme on about kids of pregnancy. When we’re out in public he points out kids, if we pass a kids aisle he says “don’t get any ideas” he’s recently suggested having sex without a condom (both been tested and everything) which I was stupidly considering but not anymore since I mentioned that if we did he’d have to pull out and he hesitated a bit. He’s always touching my stomach, I had a bellyache recently and he said maybe you’re pregnant but he didn’t say it in his usual jokey way. I feel like I have a little voice in my head telling me he’s a bit off but I don’t know if I’m just being over the top or paranoid. Any help or advice would be great!

OP posts:
KOKOtiltomorrow · 07/06/2019 16:28

@arissa9 ..... this is so far from normal it’s off the scale. Please cut all contact. Beyond weird and at your age and this is early into a “relationship” if you don’t, you’ve only got yourself to blame (unless there’s some massive back story )!

Attache · 07/06/2019 16:31

This would be scary enough if you were with him long term, but after only a month it's even scarier. Run.

AnnaNimmity · 07/06/2019 16:31

yes, it's abusive. Was in a relationship very similar - constant messaging, checking up on me the whole time, love bombing, early declarations of love, wanting to get married early, obsessed with pregnancy. Oh and I went away with him on holiday really early on. And it got worse - coercive control and violence. It's all about power and control. It's all about fueling his narcisstic ego. I was too stupid to realise I think. (or vulnerable, whatever). Get out now!

And I agree, do a Claire's law check. I wish I had.

oh and i read this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3452784-Coercive-Control-a-need-for-better-awareness#prettyPhoto this morning -its very good.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/06/2019 16:34

Him - Will you stay with me for a month
You - No, we will see how it goes.
Or at this point with that question you state NO, BYE!!!

CookieDeal · 07/06/2019 16:35

Jesus - this is difficult to believe it's so not normal!

Look he wants to get you pregnant because then you will be tied to him and will never be able to escape him. Leave him NOW.

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/06/2019 16:38

You’re sleep walking into ruining your life.

Wake up. End it, block him.

Love and happiness is out there - this is the opposite. This is very dark.

Moralitym1n1 · 07/06/2019 16:42

Holy fk.

No.

So many red flags, I list count.

Bananalanacake · 07/06/2019 16:42

do you still have your own place. as you are only staying there. can you go back to yours and tell him you want to take it slowly and don't want kids for at least 10 years. see how he reacts.

Moralitym1n1 · 07/06/2019 16:44

He wants to knock you up.

He also wants to lock you up.

RUN.

BumbleBeee69 · 07/06/2019 16:45

NOT normal Flowers

WhoKnewBeefStew · 07/06/2019 17:07

Run for the hills

kerkyra · 07/06/2019 17:11

Hi op
I know youre living with him but you are very young so perhaps dont have alot of experience to compare him to? If you were my daughter I would advise you to say to him you need a little space and move out. Can you do this? Is there anywhere you can go? And then date him properly,if you still want to.

His behaviour isnt normal and thi is wont become better because that is who he is

HollowTalk · 07/06/2019 17:14

There is nothing right about this relationship and it's really scary to think that you're with him. I think you should get out as soon as you can.

MrsMozartMkII · 07/06/2019 17:16

None of that is normal!

happybunny007 · 07/06/2019 17:16

Wow, how awful!

Comps83 · 07/06/2019 17:17

RUN-FOR-THE-FUCKING-HILLS!

IceQueenCometh · 07/06/2019 17:18

Absolutely get out. Now. Make sure you have a witness with you, and then be very clear that he is not to contact you in any way, ever again. Block him everywhere. If you see him anywhere near you, call the police. Do not underestimate what this man could be capable of.

yorkshirecountrylass · 07/06/2019 17:19

OP do you have anywhere else to stay? Preferably somewhere he does not know the address of? And how much stuff do you have at his place/what can you leave and never need back? My advice to you is that if you did stop taking your contraceptive pill relying on condoms you need to seek urgent advice at a sexual health clinic regarding morning after pill/early pregnancy testing (apologies if I've missed it, wasn't clear in your OP how long condoms have been only method, if at all). Do NOT tell this man face to face that you are leaving. He is overwhelming you with contact, this is a clear sign he will not take rejection well. Grab what you need to take (passport, birth certificate etc.. - the essentials) and get out of the property to a place of safety. Only then do you make contact with him, by email or text so that you have evidence of what was sent and when, and make it very clear that you have left him. In it you state clearly that his behaviour was abusive and you do not want him to contact you, directly or indirectly, ever again. Spell it out to him that if he does you will seek advice from police. Then block his contact on every platform you can think of - email, SM, phone etc... and change your passwords for the same.

IceQueenCometh · 07/06/2019 17:19

And do your Masters somewhere else!

IceQueenCometh · 07/06/2019 17:20

Very good advice @yorkshirecountrylass

Janus · 07/06/2019 17:21

I agree that this is all way too much. You seem to have known him for less than a month? And he’s mentioning when you have children etc? Where were you living before, can you go back there?
I think you have to go somewhere neutral (eg a cafe) and say this is all happening way too quickly for you and with hindsight you’d like to move back to where you were. (If you want to you can then go back to dating but I think let’s see how he behaves when you tell him this.)

IceQueenCometh · 07/06/2019 17:21

I bet if you did get a dog he'd beat it if you "disobeyed" him. God so many red flags. Keep yourself safe OP. Get away as soon as you can

Janus · 07/06/2019 17:23

Yes and take all important documents with you. When you move out make sure you take a couple of friends with you to get your stuff.

Janus · 07/06/2019 17:24

What I mean is when you go back for your stuff, do not go back with him once you tell him you want to slow things down.

CousinKrispy · 07/06/2019 17:46

No this is not at all normal, you poor girl. Please leave him for your own safety and sanity, but follow the excellent advice you've been given here and do it safely. He sounds completely unhinged and could easily turn into a dangerous stalker.

Please call Women's Aid to get another outside perspective. They may be able to give you local advice. Have you got real-life friends or family you can turn to?

When you get yourself out safely, please consider why you accepted his very strange behaviour in the first place. Don't feel embarrassed about it, lots of us have been there, just work on developing self-awareness so you have better boundaries in the future. There is something called the Freedom Programme, available online or in person, which could help you tremendously.

Good luck and stay safe.