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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this normal?

201 replies

arissa9 · 07/06/2019 15:13

Hey all,

This is my first post so sorry if it’s in the wrong place! So I met this guy recently, we have a lot in common but not all good things. We’re both pretty young, early 20’s. The only thing is his behaviour that has me questioning whether I should end contact. We met online about a month ago and he asked me to stay with him for a month which I currently am (I know, silly decision).

He’s very introverted, has no friends, He told me basically his whole life history very early on (matter of days) Started asking me how many kids I want. Constantly texts 24/7 from when he wakes up at 8am, while he’s working, then calls as soon as he finishes work, stays on the phone for like 3 hours even if we run out of things to say he just stays on the phone while he’s just chilling and eating. He texts me constant while he’s at work asking what I’m doing etc.

I Didn’t reply to his text till an hour after he sent it and he messaged me, then texted and called multiple times asking if he did something wrong then saying he got worried. He’s planning on us moving in when I do my masters, already looked at the campus and everything. Told him what I was studying and he has spoken to a friend of his about getting me a job but this place is in the city where he lives, he said I can move in with him and travel to uni.

There’s some name calling, remarks, teasing, jokey “threats” he’s said things like “I’m keeping this one” but he’s northern so I think that’s his character. He can be a bit rough sometimes with slapping on he butt and pulling my arm. He Keeps going on about getting a dog together sending me pictures and videos. If I’m with other people he tends to flood my messages with pictures of dogs. Anytime it seems like I’m sending a message he asks who I’m chatting up or who I’m talking to.
He’s said things when he’s laying on my stomach like “I can hear the baby’s heartbeat” I said there is no baby and he said there will be soon.

When a programme came on recently about pregnancy he says laughingly “don’t get attached” “that’s why you don’t have kids” then he gets up to go to the toilet, and as soon as he comes back he asks me about my contraceptive pill. He says this every time there’s a programme on about kids of pregnancy. When we’re out in public he points out kids, if we pass a kids aisle he says “don’t get any ideas” he’s recently suggested having sex without a condom (both been tested and everything) which I was stupidly considering but not anymore since I mentioned that if we did he’d have to pull out and he hesitated a bit. He’s always touching my stomach, I had a bellyache recently and he said maybe you’re pregnant but he didn’t say it in his usual jokey way. I feel like I have a little voice in my head telling me he’s a bit off but I don’t know if I’m just being over the top or paranoid. Any help or advice would be great!

OP posts:
Reallynowdear · 09/06/2019 18:52

If this is real, what would you ignore all advice given?

Reallynowdear · 09/06/2019 18:53

Why, not what fgs

Divinelyuninspired · 09/06/2019 18:54

Do you really think he would say ok?

Tralalaladingdong · 09/06/2019 18:55

Don't talk to him at all about leaving. If anything, act loved up with him this evening. Check where the door keys are kept. Is the front door kept locked? Does he keep the keys on him or could you get them when he goes to the bathroom/sleeps? If you can't access keys yourself, wait until he's asleep tonight and text 999 as described further up the thread. This man is dangerous, you need to get out.

BollocksToBrexit · 09/06/2019 18:56

Can you call your mum and get her and your stepdad to come and help you leave? My DH would drive to the other end of the country to get my DD, his stepdaughter, out of a situation like this.

Tralalaladingdong · 09/06/2019 18:57

Also delete your browser history incase he takes your phone to check. Make sure mumsnet can't be automatically logged into.

funnylittlefloozie · 09/06/2019 18:59

This whole situation is totally wrong. Please do not discuss leaving with him any more, just leave. He is a very unwell individual, you cannot save him or heal him with your love, or any other nonsense like that. He WILL hurt you, possibly very seriously. Wait until he goes to sleep, then LEAVE. Or, offer to go to the shop for him, and never go back.

Is this the first 'proper' relationship you have had?

plantbased · 09/06/2019 19:04

So did you actually leave OP? You just said he didn't stop you leaving? Why you spoke to him about it first (if that's what happened) is a little baffling as everyone has said don't do that.
If this is true, you need to cut all contact right now with this man.
But for me, something isn't ringing true about this thread

ThatCurlyGirl · 09/06/2019 19:05

OP do you hear what we are all saying?

Every single poster has told you that you need to get out as soon as possible without alerting him or discussing it with him first.

If this is real then he has attacked you. He is dangerous. Even if you don't feel able to leave right now, please acknowledge that you understand you need to get out of this situation - we are worried about you.

It feels like you're purposefully ignoring what has been some brilliant and considered advice, even from domestic violence professionals like a lovely PP.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 09/06/2019 19:11

OP, if this is genuine, then you are being spectacularly naive.

1moremum · 09/06/2019 19:14

If he won't leave you alone to go to the shops then go with him. and once you are in the shop, refuse to leave. tell the employee you need help. to call 999 because this guy won't let you leave.

get out

arissa9 · 09/06/2019 19:17

He grabbed me by the neck because I wanted to turn the kitchen light off, but it was more of a joking thing.

OP posts:
user1497997754 · 09/06/2019 19:20

Is there something wrong with you....there seriously must be if you can't see that being grabbed by the throat joking or not is wrong..I think you want to stay....maybe you enjoy the drama....maybe you and him are well matched..

AnnaNimmity · 09/06/2019 19:20

OP, he's put his hands around your neck. That's not joking. When I reported my ex to the police for violence, they specifically asked me about this - it's a massive red flag. Huge. He will kill you.

greengrower · 09/06/2019 19:20

Oh fgs just get out! No one just grabs your neck as a joke!

1WayOrAnother · 09/06/2019 19:20

Are you ok OP? You said you're staying with him are you safe? You need to leave asap. Just make an excuse and get out of the house. To to family for friends if you've nowhere else.

ThatCurlyGirl · 09/06/2019 19:21

OP you're totally ignoring everyone's advice even though they've spent time and effort replying to you with genuine and kind posts. I know you don't owe us anything but if this is real I'm not sure this thread is making much difference to you so I'm bowing out. Good luck and be safe.

Frownette · 09/06/2019 19:22

@arissa9 I'm having a hard time understanding you.

How much of the one month you're supposed to stay there has elapsed?

Can you go outside to post a letter/make a phone call? I always go outside at someone's house to be on the phone for privacy. Have you contacted friends/family?

burnyburny · 09/06/2019 19:22

All this time posting on Mumsnet, trying to justify his behaviour, should be used to contact friends or family to come and help you if you won't simply walk out.

What does he think you're doing while on here? He can't be watching you 24/7.

CodenameVillanelle · 09/06/2019 19:23

Just grab your stuff and go. Keep your phone in your hand so you can call 999 if he tries to prevent you. Don't talk to him about it, just get out.
Then go get some therapy before you even consider dating again. Your decision making has been appalling.

Divinelyuninspired · 09/06/2019 19:24

Even if you don’t think you are in danger (you are) why would you want to stay? You don’t even know him. What are you doing?

funnylittlefloozie · 09/06/2019 19:25

Well, if you're certain that physical violence is 'only joking' and you arent too bothered about leaving, why did you post?

arissa9 · 09/06/2019 19:30

I’m not ignoring the advice guys I guess I didn’t realise how bad it was, and still don’t. I’m just thinking of the best way and time to do this I have no idea how it’ll pan out.

OP posts:
arissa9 · 09/06/2019 19:34

@Frownette I’ve been here since the 24th of May

OP posts:
fc301 · 09/06/2019 19:35

You've known this prick a month. You don't need his permission / agreement to leave. Just fucking go.
If you can't leave safely ring 999.