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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this normal?

201 replies

arissa9 · 07/06/2019 15:13

Hey all,

This is my first post so sorry if it’s in the wrong place! So I met this guy recently, we have a lot in common but not all good things. We’re both pretty young, early 20’s. The only thing is his behaviour that has me questioning whether I should end contact. We met online about a month ago and he asked me to stay with him for a month which I currently am (I know, silly decision).

He’s very introverted, has no friends, He told me basically his whole life history very early on (matter of days) Started asking me how many kids I want. Constantly texts 24/7 from when he wakes up at 8am, while he’s working, then calls as soon as he finishes work, stays on the phone for like 3 hours even if we run out of things to say he just stays on the phone while he’s just chilling and eating. He texts me constant while he’s at work asking what I’m doing etc.

I Didn’t reply to his text till an hour after he sent it and he messaged me, then texted and called multiple times asking if he did something wrong then saying he got worried. He’s planning on us moving in when I do my masters, already looked at the campus and everything. Told him what I was studying and he has spoken to a friend of his about getting me a job but this place is in the city where he lives, he said I can move in with him and travel to uni.

There’s some name calling, remarks, teasing, jokey “threats” he’s said things like “I’m keeping this one” but he’s northern so I think that’s his character. He can be a bit rough sometimes with slapping on he butt and pulling my arm. He Keeps going on about getting a dog together sending me pictures and videos. If I’m with other people he tends to flood my messages with pictures of dogs. Anytime it seems like I’m sending a message he asks who I’m chatting up or who I’m talking to.
He’s said things when he’s laying on my stomach like “I can hear the baby’s heartbeat” I said there is no baby and he said there will be soon.

When a programme came on recently about pregnancy he says laughingly “don’t get attached” “that’s why you don’t have kids” then he gets up to go to the toilet, and as soon as he comes back he asks me about my contraceptive pill. He says this every time there’s a programme on about kids of pregnancy. When we’re out in public he points out kids, if we pass a kids aisle he says “don’t get any ideas” he’s recently suggested having sex without a condom (both been tested and everything) which I was stupidly considering but not anymore since I mentioned that if we did he’d have to pull out and he hesitated a bit. He’s always touching my stomach, I had a bellyache recently and he said maybe you’re pregnant but he didn’t say it in his usual jokey way. I feel like I have a little voice in my head telling me he’s a bit off but I don’t know if I’m just being over the top or paranoid. Any help or advice would be great!

OP posts:
Divinelyuninspired · 09/06/2019 19:35

What’s he doing while you are on here?

funnylittlefloozie · 09/06/2019 19:37

Once you are away from him, its probably worth doing some thinking about WHY you thought it was a good idea to go and stay for a month with a complete stranger. Seriously, its a very very risky thing to do.

lifegoes · 09/06/2019 19:39

It's been a month. - this is all

Loveislandaddict · 09/06/2019 19:48

When you joked about leaving, he said “too late”. What does that mean? He may not have done anything physically (yet) about you leaving, but he certainly has mentally. You’ve been living with him for under three weeks, and are asking ‘is this normal?’. That alone should send alarm bells.

blushmelikeyou · 09/06/2019 19:55

Easy pack your bag and go. Why are you making excuses?

user1497997754 · 09/06/2019 20:04

Well to be honest if you still dont realise how bad it is after asking for advice from normal thinking people who are concerned for your well being and still not sure.....what exactly will it take....your death....you are naive and out of your depth with this man....I can't post anymore because if I was your mother I would be shocked by your blaise attitude to women and domestic violence and coercive control....you need to wise up to the big world out there I wish you well and hope that you manage to leave safety and soon good luck

Divinelyuninspired · 09/06/2019 20:09

Do you actually want to stay with him?

CurtainsOpen · 09/06/2019 20:15

Reporting for total bollocks

burnyburny · 09/06/2019 20:19

If you are genuine, and will take only one piece of advice, please do something about contraception. You seem to be on the pill. What comments is he making about that? Do you think he'd sabotage them in some way? I'd get the implant or depo injection. I wouldn't be trusting him with only condoms.

Of course, I'm hoping you'll actually just get the fuck out of there and never let him touch you again.

Janus · 09/06/2019 20:33

Have to say this isn’t quite ringing true with me either.
But if it is, you just need to listen to the 100% of people that are telling you to just get out.

GimmieTheCoffeeAndNooneDies · 09/06/2019 20:35

It's a bit like one of those psychological thrillers with an unreliable narrator that are so popular.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 09/06/2019 20:35

Just get up and walk out.

What is physically stopping you from walking out the door? I don't understand?

burnyburny · 09/06/2019 20:37

@DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou

Your username is excellent Grin

MoonstoneMagic · 09/06/2019 20:39

Yes, unreliable narrator.

Beautiful3 · 09/06/2019 20:51

Not normal behaviour, sorry. Get out quick before you end up trapped with him.'

moonstonemama · 09/06/2019 20:51

You've been given some really good advice here. I appreciate you maybe don't realise the gravity of the situation you are in. But that is always the way when you are in a relationship with someone. Go get some space and distance between you and I'm sure you will see just how scary things really were. The fact that you've come on here to ask shows that you are worried even if it's subconsciously, you know something isn't right.

Can you go back to where you stay when you're at uni? As everyone else has said it's not normal, hopefully you will see just how much so when you get out.

Just go, don't worry about your stuff. That can be sorted at a later date, by police if need be. But go. Please.

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 09/06/2019 21:05

This is just mental.

How the hell are you still in this weird situation? Why would you agree to stay with a man you had only known online for a month? None of it makes any sense.

SinkGirl · 09/06/2019 21:16

OP, assuming this is real and giving you the benefit of the doubt...

It’s much harder than some people realise to recognise when you’re in an abusive situation. We all have expectations of what abusive relationships are like, and the reality is a lot more complicated than that.

Put it this way: you barely know this guy, you have no ties to him. You’re not married, not pregnant, not on the tenancy, not in love, not financially tied to him in any way - there’s no reason for you to stay apart from the fact that you feel awkward about leaving.

If you leave because you believe he’s abusive and you’re wrong, what’s the worst that can happen? Nothing. You don’t ever have to talk to him again.

If you think he’s not abusive and you stay, and you’re wrong, the worst that can happen is that he could kill you. Two women a week are killed by their partners, they didn’t expect it either.

Why take the risk?

Don’t mention leaving again. Don’t draw suspicion. Get your important things into your handbag, phone, wallet, keys, any medication etc and do it subtly. When he’s asleep, leave. Report him to the police.

If that’s not possible, lock yourself in the bathroom and call the police. Once you tell them what he has done, they will help you get out.

Make sure your phone is on you at all times. If he tries to hurt you before then, run. Barricade yourself in a room. Call the police.

Of course many here think this can’t be true. I hope it isn’t true, but I fear it might be.

As for his depression, risk of suicide? Not your problem. You don’t even know him.

Dexterslockedintheshedagain · 09/06/2019 21:16

Arissa how do you want to leave? On your own two feet, or in an ambulance??? This fella is seriously bad news. How can you not see that?? What's talking about leaving going to do, apart from give him the opportunity to assault you again? Because that's what's he did, joking or not ( and from what you say about him, I don't think it was a joke) and people get arrested for less.

sheshootssheimplores · 09/06/2019 21:28

Are you in contact with friends or family? If so you need to organise a place to stay and leave. If it were me I would get up very early and go while he’s still asleep.

DoctorDread · 09/06/2019 21:40

Well that escalated quickly!

Angelf1sh · 09/06/2019 21:52

I don’t really understand why, if this is real, you are still there. You’ve been together a few weeks. You’ve got no ties to this man, no history, no deep feelings and practically none of your stuff will be there. Just walk out. I don’t really get what the issue is for you.

Closetbeanmuncher · 09/06/2019 23:18

I'm not sure how someone can be this clueless but I will give it you the benefit of the doubt.

This man is absolutely batshit, leave now before you end up seriously hurt.

To not recognise that this is completely abnormal is extremely worrying.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 10/06/2019 07:26

This still upHmm

SparklyMagpie · 10/06/2019 08:20

Has hit you and put his hands on your throat and you don't think he's dangerous?

Come off it OP, if this is genuine then get the fuck out of there! You hardly even know him and what a ridiculous idea to stay with someone after such little time