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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this normal?

201 replies

arissa9 · 07/06/2019 15:13

Hey all,

This is my first post so sorry if it’s in the wrong place! So I met this guy recently, we have a lot in common but not all good things. We’re both pretty young, early 20’s. The only thing is his behaviour that has me questioning whether I should end contact. We met online about a month ago and he asked me to stay with him for a month which I currently am (I know, silly decision).

He’s very introverted, has no friends, He told me basically his whole life history very early on (matter of days) Started asking me how many kids I want. Constantly texts 24/7 from when he wakes up at 8am, while he’s working, then calls as soon as he finishes work, stays on the phone for like 3 hours even if we run out of things to say he just stays on the phone while he’s just chilling and eating. He texts me constant while he’s at work asking what I’m doing etc.

I Didn’t reply to his text till an hour after he sent it and he messaged me, then texted and called multiple times asking if he did something wrong then saying he got worried. He’s planning on us moving in when I do my masters, already looked at the campus and everything. Told him what I was studying and he has spoken to a friend of his about getting me a job but this place is in the city where he lives, he said I can move in with him and travel to uni.

There’s some name calling, remarks, teasing, jokey “threats” he’s said things like “I’m keeping this one” but he’s northern so I think that’s his character. He can be a bit rough sometimes with slapping on he butt and pulling my arm. He Keeps going on about getting a dog together sending me pictures and videos. If I’m with other people he tends to flood my messages with pictures of dogs. Anytime it seems like I’m sending a message he asks who I’m chatting up or who I’m talking to.
He’s said things when he’s laying on my stomach like “I can hear the baby’s heartbeat” I said there is no baby and he said there will be soon.

When a programme came on recently about pregnancy he says laughingly “don’t get attached” “that’s why you don’t have kids” then he gets up to go to the toilet, and as soon as he comes back he asks me about my contraceptive pill. He says this every time there’s a programme on about kids of pregnancy. When we’re out in public he points out kids, if we pass a kids aisle he says “don’t get any ideas” he’s recently suggested having sex without a condom (both been tested and everything) which I was stupidly considering but not anymore since I mentioned that if we did he’d have to pull out and he hesitated a bit. He’s always touching my stomach, I had a bellyache recently and he said maybe you’re pregnant but he didn’t say it in his usual jokey way. I feel like I have a little voice in my head telling me he’s a bit off but I don’t know if I’m just being over the top or paranoid. Any help or advice would be great!

OP posts:
Ifeelinclined · 07/06/2019 17:50

This guy is absolutely insane. You need to run. Fast.

AnastasiaBeverleyHills · 07/06/2019 17:59

I agree with all the people who have said that this is an abusive relationship. You need to be careful when getting out. Make sure you have somewhere to go that you trust. Take everything that is important to you. You cannot go back. He will try VERY hard to win you back. You need to resist and make sure you are with someone you trust at all times or someone knows where you are. I think part of you already knows this, or there are nagging doubts. I (nor anybody else here) is trying to scare you but it doesn't sound safe or healthy. Take care x

SignedUpJust4This · 07/06/2019 18:01

Fuck me this reads like some sort of thriller novel. Get out OP. And watch your back. He's not right in the head.

Ohyesiam · 07/06/2019 18:07

Op I’m really really shocked that you would have Ben consider thinking this is normal or ok In any way.
Get out NOW. He wants total control over you and isn’t interested if that suits you or not.
You will have to cut contact, there will be no reasoning with him,
This is a very frightening post. Is there anyone you can stay with to get fat away?

firstimemamma · 07/06/2019 18:15

Dump him, he sounds insane!

Janus · 07/06/2019 18:19

I once went out with someone who I just got the wrong vibe from a few months in, he wanted too much of me and I stupidly told him once I was in his shared house. He didn’t take it well and locked us in his bedroom so we ‘could talk’. I stayed calm and spoke for a while and asked for a glass of water. When he went to get it I literally ran from that house with him chasing after me as I got in my car and floored it. It was terrifying and he rang me to say he was going to take his own life if I didn’t go back. I asked my mum what I should do (I was young too) and she said you have to leave him be. He didn’t but I’m telling you all this so you take advice to tell him away from the house and don’t bow down if he tries to emotionally blackmail you.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 07/06/2019 18:20

Please listen to the advice you're getting. This guy's downright scary sounding. Get away now.

VixenSixen · 07/06/2019 19:50

King of the Red Flags.......... An eternity of singledom would be better than this man is offering.....

FabledChinHair · 07/06/2019 20:09

What support network do you have op? Did you tell anyone you were staying with this guy a month or run it by anyone? He sounds awful I'm sorry. Get out now.

FuckMNDoubleStandards · 08/06/2019 19:17

I'm sorry OP, this does not sound normal. My friend had met someone similar, she's now pregnant and he has turned out to be an abusive, needy control freak. Everything is on his terms, he comes and goes as he wishes. We all warned her but it fell on deaf ears.

The beginning of a relationship shouldn't be this full on and make you uneasy. Listen to your gut, this guy may not be for you.

Lunde · 08/06/2019 20:12

OMG - dump him. Dump him today.

He is trying to take over your life.!

  • keeps you on the phone so you have no social life
  • tells you where to live
  • is gropey and threatening (tries to claim they are "jokes"
  • wants you to be pregnant and therefore tied to him and thereby sabotaging any career or study dreams

He doesn't really seem to care about what you want at all - he is just trying to fit you into the preconceived wife/girlfriend template that he has where you do what he wants. It all sounds very controlling and stalkery - and the baby stuff is scarily unhinged. Get away as soon as you can and don't rely on him for any contraception - in fact hide your pills from him,

Loveislandaddict · 08/06/2019 20:15

“Is this normal?”

No!!!

Meckity1 · 08/06/2019 20:21

Apparently contraceptive pills lose effectiveness if they are put on a radiator for a while. If you google you can probably find articles written by men, for men about sabotaging birth control to keep the woman from getting away.

Is he tracking your periods?

blushmelikeyou · 08/06/2019 20:30

Totally not normal and not a northern thing! God knows why you said that. You need to make better decisions then staying with a stranger after a month of knowing them!!

Loveislandaddict · 08/06/2019 20:58

You asked for help. Leave him.

Maybe you were flattered by his attention, and maybe he loved bombed you.

However, he is a control freAk and weirdo. Extract yourself from this relationship. You will only end up getting hurt.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 08/06/2019 21:35

Definitely get out now

GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap · 08/06/2019 23:15

OP please come back and let us know you're ok. @arissa9 I'm now worried he's checking up on you and may have found this thread (abusers do stuff like setting keyboard stroke trackers etc). Please take all the advice on this thread to heart.

Bezalelle · 09/06/2019 00:03

Do you honestly think this is normal OP, or are you being disingenuous?

friedbeansandcheese · 09/06/2019 00:08

.We met online about a month ago and he asked me to stay with him for a month which I currently am (I know, silly decision).

He is abusive. He has more red flags than a Boy Scout convention. Op, get away from him! Block him and run. Fucking weirdo. Then look at your boundaries...

arissa9 · 09/06/2019 15:57

Hi all thanks for replying, I know I need to leave, the thing is he has a tendency to get depressed and suicidal, and when we first started talking he told me exactly how he would kill himself. I initially tried to help him because he was depressed and I’ve been through exactly the same thing but it just developed into something more. I’m only staying with him because I’m on a break from uni and I thought it would be alright (I know, terrible decision) over the last couple of days he has become not so nice, name calling is worse, He’s started to actually hit me and throw things at me. He grabbed my by the throat yesterday, he’s like a school bully at the moment. I’ve only been here since the end of May. I did mention to him yesterday as a joke (wasn’t sure how he’d take it) that I’m going back home, and he said “back to where? Your crazy mum and alcoholic stepdad?” and said how they’re dysfunctional, didn’t think he’d say such a thing because we’ve been through similar things with our parents. I mentioned going home again today as a joke (again, not sure how he’d take it if I were serious) and he said “too late” He’s just getting worse and it seems like he’s changed drastically. Thought he was just a joker and took things a bit too far in the beginning but not anymore. Not sure how to approach the situation, if anything he’ll just laugh it off.

OP posts:
userabcname · 09/06/2019 16:01

OP you need to get out now. You owe him nothing. It's not your job to make him happy or prevent him from committing suicide. Hitting and grabbing your throat are huge red flags and I'd personally report to the police. Leave today. Don't ask / tell him, just get your stuff and go. Don't hesitate to call the police if he threatens you or gets aggressive.

1forAll74 · 09/06/2019 16:11

OMG, this sounds like one of those weird films you sometimes see, where there is a very strange person portrayed in it.
This guy sounds madly spooky,and very hard to understand, and deal with, it's not just that he sounds insecure,but has very oddball behaviour too.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 09/06/2019 16:12

He’s started to actually hit me and throw things at me. He grabbed my by the throat yesterday, he’s like a school bully at the moment. I’ve only been here since the end of May.

And yet it's deteriorated this badly this fast... This guy's seriously abusive.

Experts in domestic violence warn that you are at the highest risk of murder when a man puts his hands round your throat. It's really easy to kill someone by accident if you grab their neck.

Take this deadly seriously and get out now. Today. This is an emergency.

burnyburny · 09/06/2019 16:13

Let him laugh.

Please OP, just leave. If you really can't do it while he's there, then next time he is out of the house, just get your stuff together and go. Preferably via a police station.

He is mentally unstable and violent. Whatever he chooses to do, he is not your responsibility. You don't even know him.

Leave at the very next chance you get. It could literally be your last.

crappyday2018 · 09/06/2019 16:13

Why are you joking with him about leaving. Please just DO IT immediately. Christ if he's doing this after only a month, what will he be doing to you after a year.