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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this normal?

201 replies

arissa9 · 07/06/2019 15:13

Hey all,

This is my first post so sorry if it’s in the wrong place! So I met this guy recently, we have a lot in common but not all good things. We’re both pretty young, early 20’s. The only thing is his behaviour that has me questioning whether I should end contact. We met online about a month ago and he asked me to stay with him for a month which I currently am (I know, silly decision).

He’s very introverted, has no friends, He told me basically his whole life history very early on (matter of days) Started asking me how many kids I want. Constantly texts 24/7 from when he wakes up at 8am, while he’s working, then calls as soon as he finishes work, stays on the phone for like 3 hours even if we run out of things to say he just stays on the phone while he’s just chilling and eating. He texts me constant while he’s at work asking what I’m doing etc.

I Didn’t reply to his text till an hour after he sent it and he messaged me, then texted and called multiple times asking if he did something wrong then saying he got worried. He’s planning on us moving in when I do my masters, already looked at the campus and everything. Told him what I was studying and he has spoken to a friend of his about getting me a job but this place is in the city where he lives, he said I can move in with him and travel to uni.

There’s some name calling, remarks, teasing, jokey “threats” he’s said things like “I’m keeping this one” but he’s northern so I think that’s his character. He can be a bit rough sometimes with slapping on he butt and pulling my arm. He Keeps going on about getting a dog together sending me pictures and videos. If I’m with other people he tends to flood my messages with pictures of dogs. Anytime it seems like I’m sending a message he asks who I’m chatting up or who I’m talking to.
He’s said things when he’s laying on my stomach like “I can hear the baby’s heartbeat” I said there is no baby and he said there will be soon.

When a programme came on recently about pregnancy he says laughingly “don’t get attached” “that’s why you don’t have kids” then he gets up to go to the toilet, and as soon as he comes back he asks me about my contraceptive pill. He says this every time there’s a programme on about kids of pregnancy. When we’re out in public he points out kids, if we pass a kids aisle he says “don’t get any ideas” he’s recently suggested having sex without a condom (both been tested and everything) which I was stupidly considering but not anymore since I mentioned that if we did he’d have to pull out and he hesitated a bit. He’s always touching my stomach, I had a bellyache recently and he said maybe you’re pregnant but he didn’t say it in his usual jokey way. I feel like I have a little voice in my head telling me he’s a bit off but I don’t know if I’m just being over the top or paranoid. Any help or advice would be great!

OP posts:
burnyburny · 09/06/2019 16:16

Beating the shit out of her in front of their child. If she's lucky.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 09/06/2019 16:16

Holy Christ, don't approach it in any way other than leaving.
Do you have somewhere to go?

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 09/06/2019 16:17

Honestly sweetheart if you don't leave you will be the headline on News at 10 shortly..

Divinelyuninspired · 09/06/2019 16:18

Don’t tell him you are leaving. Don’t ask for his permission. Just get out as soon as you can even if you can’t pack all your stuff. Don’t expect him to agree and wave you off because that’s not going to happen is it?

Loveislandaddict · 09/06/2019 16:18

Don’t tell him you are leaving, just leave. When he is next out of the house, pack your stuff and go. If you don’t have much time, pack the essentials and ditch the rest. I hate to think what he will do to you if he catches you trying to leave.

If you have nowhere to go, go to the nearest police station, church, library etc and ask them to help you find the nearest woman’s refuge, or emergency accomadation somewhere.

Stay safe!

arissa9 · 09/06/2019 16:24

He’s sick at the moment and plans to take a week off of work

OP posts:
BollocksToBrexit · 09/06/2019 16:25

This man will kill you.

It's as simple as that. Please get away from him before you become a statistic. Gather your things and go. If you're too scared to do, call the police and ask for help. But just get away.

user1497997754 · 09/06/2019 16:26

Is he working tomorrow.....leave then and don't go back.....go to family.......block him on everything....he is not a nice person and scary.

Divinelyuninspired · 09/06/2019 16:26

Could you get out if he goes to the shop or something? Ring the police from inside the house if you have to.

user1497997754 · 09/06/2019 16:28

Oh no.....Will your family come and get you...send them a text....if you scared call the police now or just dial 999 they can trace the call and find you.

burnyburny · 09/06/2019 16:29

Text someone to come and get you.

Offer to go to the shop for him and don't ever go back.

Phone a take away and give the delivery driver a note asking them to call the police.

Please just do something, OP.

Divinelyuninspired · 09/06/2019 16:30

Can you literally run for it when he goes to the toilet?

BumbleBeee69 · 09/06/2019 16:33

He's taking a week off to make sure you cannot leave... OP if he touches you you hit 999 and do not hesitate in charging him then get the hell out of there FAST.. please listen to the women on here they know this stuff and how it will unfold.. you are NOT alone Flowers

beeyourself · 09/06/2019 16:40

Can you call the police and report him for hitting you/grabbing you by the throat & tell them you're scared to leave?

You need to get out ASAP

AsleepAllDay · 09/06/2019 16:41

This sounds like the beginning of an abusive relationship. He's figuring out how to isolate you even further from your life. Please run and ghost him

AsleepAllDay · 09/06/2019 16:46

There's no way to 'approach' the situation besides grabbing your handbag and leaving. Can you go out on an errand and just never return?

He's being physically violent and the story about depression and killing himself is trying to control you with guilt. The person most likely to be killed here is you.

Please please find a way to leave the house and go. Never come back

arissa9 · 09/06/2019 16:47

Please don’t be angry with me for asking this guys, but am I actually in danger? I know it sounds so stupid of me to say but it just doesn’t feel that serious, like I’d be wasting police time because he hasn’t actually done anything.

OP posts:
rollingpine · 09/06/2019 16:49

He is a raving nutcase and you have to escape from his clutches as soon as possible. He sounds unhinged and dangerous, this is honestly one of the most frightening things I've ever read on MN.

Get away as fast as you can.

user1497997754 · 09/06/2019 16:50

He has grabbed you by the throat.....that is not normal....he is a danger to you....call police now....you don't know what he will do if you try to leave....please call them 999

Myotherusernameisshy · 09/06/2019 16:51

Yes you are. Please get out as soon as possible and DON’T tell him you’re leaving him.

Attache · 09/06/2019 16:51

I really hope this is not true but I'm going to take it at face value.

yorkshirecountrylass told you what to do back on P2. Please read her post again. Stop "joking" about leaving, it's just plain dangerous. You need to get out.

ThatCurlyGirl · 09/06/2019 16:53

You are absolutely in danger particularly due to the rate at which his behaviour has escalated and intensified.

You have known this man for 30 days or so and you already know he is controlling and violent.

Just leave OP - get out. If you don't feel up to reporting to the police then put that aside and just leave.

What would you say to a friend in this situation? Be your own friend and listen to yourself.

If this is real it's terrifying. It's really, really, really bad. There's a reason everyone on this thread is saying the same thing - it's because it's true.

Get out.

ThatCurlyGirl · 09/06/2019 16:55

Oh and grabbing by the throat is statistically the most common precursor of men killing their partners. And he's done it one month in. Get the fuck out and quickly.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 09/06/2019 16:55

You are verging on wind up territory now.
You said he hit you and grabbed you by the throat.

burnyburny · 09/06/2019 16:56

he hasn’t actually done anything.

Seriously? He has grabbed you by the throat. What do you class as having done "something" that warrants phoning the police?

I sure hope it's something where you're still
conscious and can actually call them.