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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this normal?

201 replies

arissa9 · 07/06/2019 15:13

Hey all,

This is my first post so sorry if it’s in the wrong place! So I met this guy recently, we have a lot in common but not all good things. We’re both pretty young, early 20’s. The only thing is his behaviour that has me questioning whether I should end contact. We met online about a month ago and he asked me to stay with him for a month which I currently am (I know, silly decision).

He’s very introverted, has no friends, He told me basically his whole life history very early on (matter of days) Started asking me how many kids I want. Constantly texts 24/7 from when he wakes up at 8am, while he’s working, then calls as soon as he finishes work, stays on the phone for like 3 hours even if we run out of things to say he just stays on the phone while he’s just chilling and eating. He texts me constant while he’s at work asking what I’m doing etc.

I Didn’t reply to his text till an hour after he sent it and he messaged me, then texted and called multiple times asking if he did something wrong then saying he got worried. He’s planning on us moving in when I do my masters, already looked at the campus and everything. Told him what I was studying and he has spoken to a friend of his about getting me a job but this place is in the city where he lives, he said I can move in with him and travel to uni.

There’s some name calling, remarks, teasing, jokey “threats” he’s said things like “I’m keeping this one” but he’s northern so I think that’s his character. He can be a bit rough sometimes with slapping on he butt and pulling my arm. He Keeps going on about getting a dog together sending me pictures and videos. If I’m with other people he tends to flood my messages with pictures of dogs. Anytime it seems like I’m sending a message he asks who I’m chatting up or who I’m talking to.
He’s said things when he’s laying on my stomach like “I can hear the baby’s heartbeat” I said there is no baby and he said there will be soon.

When a programme came on recently about pregnancy he says laughingly “don’t get attached” “that’s why you don’t have kids” then he gets up to go to the toilet, and as soon as he comes back he asks me about my contraceptive pill. He says this every time there’s a programme on about kids of pregnancy. When we’re out in public he points out kids, if we pass a kids aisle he says “don’t get any ideas” he’s recently suggested having sex without a condom (both been tested and everything) which I was stupidly considering but not anymore since I mentioned that if we did he’d have to pull out and he hesitated a bit. He’s always touching my stomach, I had a bellyache recently and he said maybe you’re pregnant but he didn’t say it in his usual jokey way. I feel like I have a little voice in my head telling me he’s a bit off but I don’t know if I’m just being over the top or paranoid. Any help or advice would be great!

OP posts:
ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 09/06/2019 17:03

Yes, you are actually in danger: there are a LOT of warning signs present. You need to get out of there, now.

Original poster
arissa9 · 09/06/2019 17:08

Ok I’m definitely leaving but I don’t know when because if he goes to the shop he wants me to go with him or we don’t go.he probably won’t go because he’s sick too.

OP posts:
ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 09/06/2019 17:11

Go with him to the shop. Tell him you need the toilet when at the shop. Go to a member of staff and say the person you came in with is holding you against your will and you need their help. They will help you.

ThatCurlyGirl · 09/06/2019 17:12

He's taking time off sick because he has sensed you are now unsure and he's trying to make it more difficult for you to leave.

Wait until he falls asleep and go. Message a friend to explain they need to pick you up, say you're going to the loo and run.

The longer you wait the tighter his grip will be, figuratively and literally by the sounds of it.

Get out as soon as you possibly can even if it means you only have the clothes you're wearing and your handbag - your stuff is replaceable, your life isn't.

Take a deep breath - What's your plan?

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 09/06/2019 17:12

Can't you say you need to pop out for something and not return?

BumbleBeee69 · 09/06/2019 17:23

Christ OP.. please be safe Flowers

JustGettingStarted · 09/06/2019 17:27

Joking about leaving has alerted him to the way you're thinking. It would be more sensible to talk about fantasy wedding venues (not that you should do that, either.)

All you need is your id and the clothes on your back. You can run away once you're in public.

Emptyspacex · 09/06/2019 17:29

Op i rarely comment on thread but i could not leave this one.
Please please leave. I felt sick reading this. Don't make him suspicious tho, get out when it's safe to do so.
Op i dont want to see this on a newspaper or like others have said another statistic.
Be safe x

Divinelyuninspired · 09/06/2019 17:30

Why are you saying he hasn’t done anything when you said he hit you and grabbed you by the throat?

Emptyspacex · 09/06/2019 17:31

Agree with @JustGettingStarted but don't leave it too long.
If he's I'll offer to go to the shop for him. Say to him you want to get him some nice treats. Don't take any of your stuff. Then as soon as you get out run!!! The police can collect your stuff for you.

Jaxinthebox · 09/06/2019 17:38

Just get out! Yes he is dangerous! LEave and get yourself safe

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 09/06/2019 17:45

If you tell the police that he's grabbed you by the throat their reaction will tell you just how seriously they regard it.

Please just get out. I left my abusive DP in literally a dress and shoes. No underwear, no cash. I couldn't go through the house - I just crept out of the back door. But it did the trick: I was in one piece and safe.

He's taken the week off because you've aroused his suspicions and he's making sure he can keep tabs on you. That makes it a bit harder. But you need to make your move as soon as possible.

Please don't hesitate. I'm scared for you.

PollyEsterblouse · 09/06/2019 18:05

Arissa, this is how to contact the police silently over the phone.

Send the word register in a text to 999.

You should receive a text message about the emergency SMS service. When you've read it, text yes to 999.

You should then receive another text to tell you your registration was successful, and allowing you to text 999 without speaking aloud.

E.g.: Police: partner grabbed me by throat, won't let me leave, help needed at [address].

Please get away from him. This is very far from normal, and we all want to hear that you're safely out of there. Take care ♥

cyounexttuesday · 09/06/2019 18:17

I work for a domestic abuse charity; he has displayed so many 'red flags'
As a pp said he is taking a week off work to keep an eye on you.
Abusers that put their hands around their partners neck are statistically more likely to kill their partner, I'm not saying this to scare you, it's because it is a fact!
You need to leave, but you need to leave safely. Telling him that you are leaving is likely to further aggravate & anger him; victims of abuse are most at risk of death or serious injury when they leave and immediately afterwards.
Please call the police for help, this is the number for national domestic abuse hotline tel: 0808 2000 247 which is manned 24/7. But please do not alert him to the fact that you are planning to leave.

Janus · 09/06/2019 18:21

Arissa, not sure if you saw my post and this is exactly what someone said to me ‘I’ll kill myself’. I’m so glad I had my mum who told me I had to let him be, it sort of gave me permission to leave and even if the worst had happened it wouldn’t be me doing it, it was his decision. I’m sure he said it just to try and stop me though. He then proceeded to call me at work etc after. You will have to be strong and just block him.
Are you in contact with your mum? Can you text her and explain what’s going on? May be difficult to talk if he’s always there? But if he’s sick and asleep you need to just get out. Now. Take your documents, the rest can be left.

ISpeakJive · 09/06/2019 18:21

I feel sick reading this. This is really scary reading, OP! You not only need to run, you need to escape!!

Frownette · 09/06/2019 18:33

@PollyEsterblouse that's good information.

OP have you just finished your undergrad degree? Are you staying with parents during summer?

Is the front door quiet...? I'd be tempted to wait until he was in the shower or whatever then make a dash for it

Deadposhtory · 09/06/2019 18:41

This is one of the worst things I've read on here. Op just go. He's a nut job and a dangerous one at that

Original poster
arissa9 · 09/06/2019 18:48

What if I were to sit down with him and have an actual conversation about wanting to leave?

OP posts:
Original poster
arissa9 · 09/06/2019 18:48

He hasn’t stopped me from leaving

OP posts:
burnyburny · 09/06/2019 18:50

He has physically attacked for you less!

burnyburny · 09/06/2019 18:50

*attacked you for less

BumbleBeee69 · 09/06/2019 18:50

only you can gauge what his response is likely to be... like why did he grab you by the neck OP ? Flowers

Frownette · 09/06/2019 18:51

He's hit you though - you're already displaying a 'prisoner's' mentality.

Get out first, talk later if you wish

Janus · 09/06/2019 18:51

Do NOT tell him you’re leaving, how would you even hope that would go?? Just go and go back with some adult like your parents to get things later. You cannot talk this one out.