just learnt am in abusive relationship

[Aggh]

Have just learnt that Im in an abusive relationship thanks to you amazing mns.Who knew? How could something so seemingly sensible be controlling?
well, I knew, but was trying not to. So thankyou mns for pointing me in the right, if painful, direction.
Thanks to your wise advice, I went to see a counsellor who has advised me to call womans aid. OMG. Have just downed far too much booze so apologies. am ...totally...shocked. and i still have to act normal for the kiddies.
sorry, its just that i dont have any mates to call (apparantly normal). Completely wierded out. And hubby to be coming home soon, been suggested I act normal in case, so better get the homemade pizza on so we can all have a normal friday night. wtf? feel like Jason Bourne in my own home. anyone want to add some sense to all this confusion, feel free!

@Aggh No you are not wrong, you have a witness!!! You've raised an amazing person there.

It's so confusing, I have a Mr vulnerable too after a hellish week if guilt trips and (false) promises that he'll change.

It's STILL all about him!!

Everything he says, every excuse I'm thinking "yeah right mate, you liar"!

But he is not going to let me go, if I do he will kick off big time, he broke our back door last wknd. I suppose a a taste
Of what is to come if I end it.

Well guess what, I'm too scared to leave.
He's even got DCs pity, because he was crying to get sympathy.

Oh yes, one or two of my things have gone missing, I think he has hid them.
Bit then I am good at misplacing things.

He hid my keys once ages to prove how annoying it is to have your things moved. What a bastard!

Does he break your stuff a lot @Aggh ?

Sorry type Os and bold font.

FuckMyLifeRightNow you say what you are experiencing is not bad enough for the Freedom Program but what you have just described is awful. Breaking the back door, deliberately hiding your keys, that’s really abusive.

Aggh I am pleased you are going to the Freedom Program and that your daughter is getting counselling. It sound like you have raised a smart and lovely girl.

I’ve just started the Freedom Programme & I think it’s going to be hugely helpful in understanding the behaviour, giving me tools to help the children process it all & hopefully enable me not to get into another similar relationship (another relationship is far from my mind right now anyway!) so I think it’s useful for everyone & anyone trying to come out of a bad relationship xx

Thank you Ladies, that means a lot. How is everyone??
Fml, I agree with siablue. This is no longer subtle and ‘ are you justified’, this is awful, he is totally playing you. Even if he is sad and vulnerable, he should no way have broken the door. You say you are too scared to leave and you sound so resigned. Please go and see wa. This is no way to live . Please go to wa and chat even if you don’t go on the freedom programme, but please get some support, they are wonderful and will leave it up to you, but totally get where you are.
I’m fine. Dh nothing like yours, he has punched a hole in the wall a few times, but not for a few years. He does do the old, mummy is crap thing. And the whole poor me thing.idiot.
but I got so jealous of a snapshot of a friend w her dh holding up the dog to say hi. They looked so like they were having fun together. Mine would say it was stupid.
Yes, in the past hed chucked stuff that was important to me in A cupboard and left it broken. He is ridiculously opinionated, about everything ( will not discuss my opinion) and has to be mr big with friends Yet at his work apparently everyone is a bully and won’t listen to him. and he always knows what’s best for the kids. Dd gave him present she’d made and he didn’t even notice, just checked his phone. Me and the kids had a super day trip, all singing in the car, I noticed that doesn’t happen with dh. Wonder if the kids did. I tell him it’s my role to tell the kids off cos a) I think he goes too far and) b, I do want them to get on but he just seems to tell them off Constantly. And silly things like tells them to come to him to say goodnight. Daughter obviously not too keen. Why can’t he go to them? See, silly stuff at the moment. Not even sure these are good examples. So why am I scared to tell him imvisiting my mum at half term?
Again I’m wittering! Sorry. Such minor things I don’t know why I’m moaning. It’s that fog again I guess. Sorry ladies. You have serious issues to contend with.
Moffa do you have any tips of what to say to kids? Concerned ds is sounding arrogant like dad.
Big hugs. Thanks for listening.

Sorry ladies. You have serious issues to contend with

I just want to say, please never feel like you are wrong or any less deserving of empathy and care because it didn't escalate to levels you know exist elsewhere. You are strong for facing this.

I've had further discussions tonight, all the reasons I shouldn't end it, he's such poor, sad, sensitive mite and I wouldn't want to destroy the kids life.
He says he's sorry for all the times he's not listened or called me a cunt but I'm partly to blame too, I rarely open up and talk to him about my feelings!
WTF?? Because I never fucking dared to.
Oh and he still maintains that he's always been loyal to me .

Your DH @Aggh sounds very very similar to mine, he's very covert then when caught out, very much the victim.
I bet we are also very alike, it's no coincidence, these people know what and who they need.

Arseholes!!

I will still leave but have to save up for a while. Then I will just go, I'm not up for all this negotiating bollocks.

@aggh and @Fuckmyliferightnow

They are their own breed. One day happy and loving, next depressed and the an vile arse.
Mine is very much the same. My marriage is currently hanging by a finger nail. All because I can see I need to loose weight (I really don’t) he doesn’t get on with my family (they don’t worship him which he think they should) and I have never satisfied his sexual desires.
I look back over the years we’ve been together and question so much now that I’ve seen a different side. He turned into a total arse when he gave me the ultimatum of sort it or we are done. Did some really nasty shit. And because nothing was sorted I’m to blame.

How he thinks I will have sex when he calls me fat every day is beyond me.
Stupidly however I seem to be the only one trying to save this for our kids. I’m still not sure that’s the best thing. I have a 13 ye old girl who is made to think she is fat.
I see the counsellor as he refuses.

One day the penny will drop and I’ll say fuck this. In the mean time I am trying everything in the vague hope this can be saved. Still unsure if I’m passed the point of no return.

None of us deserve this shit and they think it’s ok to blame us fully for their nastiness. I

Aagh I think the old mummy is crap thing is really horrible and he is nasty to the kids so actually you do have a lot to contend with.

I am ok. My family are looking after me well. I am starting to feel more like myself again. I am trying to build up the confidence to go and get some of my stuff. I left with very little and most of it was for DS. I really missed my coat today.

I have got some good legal advice and I am keeping a diary of everything. He still keeps trying to call me. FML if you are not doing it already this would be good for you to do to. I feel a lot better knowing that legally I am doing the right thing and if he try’s to go to court for contact I can ask for him to see a psychiatrist.

@Siablue yes I think I'll contact WA and see if I can do stuff for the record in case things ever escalate.
Hope you can get your things back!

@OEJ1979 What vile behaviour!! You know this isn't you, fuck him, why should you be the one trying to save anything?

@Fuckmyliferightnow
@siablue

I have been advised to do the same thing. If you have someone that can keep stuff for you try and photocopy as much as you can. Bank info, passports, ect and hide them there.

I was concerned he would do a runner with the kids so passport details are essential.

I’ve also kept a diary and take it and put it at my parents. Any text messages. Screen shot send them to a friend and delete off your phone the pictures...remember recent deleted file.

My counsellor described it as putting everything in boxes on a shelf. And when you’re ready you can take one down at a time.

It’s shit and you have to be ready to do that. My stuff is in the ‘boxes’ I’m just not there yet to take them down.

thanks geeky girl. i think half the problem us ladies dont always seek help is because its all so covert, they dont feel they are in a serious position, until, Im now learning, the behaviour escalates and they are.
FML i think youre right!
it sounds like hes doing a classic accusing you of being what he knows youd like him to be (!) . of course you dont tell him your feelings! I bet you get the watching the tv, eye rolling or, 'whats the matter' (in annoyed tone) if you are upset. Honestly.

OMG OE he sounds dreadful. and hes blaming you for everything? and his dd thinks shes fat? what a horrible man. keep up witht he counselling!
Sia, thanks for that. its all so subtle it often goes by me. Im SO GLAD you are out of it. stay strong! you can get another coat!

Bugger can feel myself sinking into gloom today. been upbeat for ages but am tired of the 'woe is me' crap. am getting tired of hearing all about his crap boss etc. then all stupid voice for the kids who noticeably dont cuddle up with him, then he goes to bed, but helpfully yells out to remind me to make sure the school uniforms are ready. Conversation consists of issuing a few orders as he leaves for the day. I need to pay for dds guitar lessons and am scared hell be grumpy. Am jealous of my mates from college who all have good jobs and who werent persueded to sell thier flats when prgenant. what was i thinking? Just spent THREE HOURS (!) filling in crap online forms for temporary sales assistant jobs. Nothing wrong with that but I am tired of him being grumpy cos I dont have a good career. and Im tired of raising the kids on my own, and Im tired of doing all the sodding housework. GRRRR!

How is everyone getting on. I am having a little wobble. I feel so much happier and safer now that we are away and I am starting to look for somewhere to live.

I am just terrified that he is going to come and take my baby. I agreed to meet up with him so he could see our son because then he couldn’t say that I am withholding contact. He kept pressuring me to come home. I know that when he realises that we are not coming home that he will try and get custody of DS. The thought makes me feel sick. He is just so tiny and he has no idea how to care for him and has been so mean to him.

I feel that he is going to use DS to destroy our life. He will almost certainly be granted unsupervised contact. I am just so scared something awful is going to happen to him.

@Siablue can you go with someone? So he can't manipulate and intimidate you.

Keep evidence of bullying and abuse and seek legal advice in case it goes to court.

I know how you feel, but the reality is that him having custody of a baby probably doesn't fit in with his lifestyle, he probably knows he couldn't cope and wouldn't really want the responsibility, so will say anything to keep you in fear.

I learned this from my abusive ex.

I am going to meet him at my relatives house so there are other people there. I do feel very intimidated by him. I know he will keep bullying me and the best way of hurting me is to hurt DS.

I am feeling very low at the moment.

Report ANYTHING physical, because if it's on record then he won't get unsupervised contact, surely!?
I don't know but the more you can prove the better.

Siablue you left him when he was threatening you and your child. I lost track of your other thread, but SS will see this, as I presume the police contacted them. They will likely not look kindly on requests for unsupervised access, but you need legal advice.

Keep your diary, use these threads as timelines if needed, maybe print them out in case you later want them deleted for privacy purposes. All of them, everything you've posted about the abuse.

I'm sorry I'm not more knowledgeable, but you've taken so many positive steps. Don't go back. Don't let this become your DCs normal. He is certainly not fit to see her alone.

@Aagh, @FML

God, they're not even trying to mask their behaviour are they?!

Please don't think that 'this isn't that bad' or 'many have it worse' or 'it's not like he's hitting me'.

Because he won't change, and soon it will be 'well he wouldn't hurt the kids', 'its not like he hit me before', 'the kids were asleep, they didn't see anything', 'it's not like he beat me black and blue', 'he just threatened me with the knife, of course he didn't use it'.

I'm sorry, that sounds so very harsh. But all abusers start somewhere, and the escalation can be so gradual, and they have you so ground down, that it takes years to realise it.

It may not be 'that bad' now, but they have no reason to stop, and it will get 'that bad' and 'that extreme'.

If you can, look up the steps of abuse. I've seen 'Why Does He Do That' recommended on here, though @Attilathemeerkat can give you far more advice.

Step by step, you will get there. You've recognised them, and that's an amazing step. Now to escape them.

BTW, after searches of this kind you should log out of MN and clear your browser history to be on the safe side. Keep you're cards close to your chest.

I think everyone on this thread is amazing BTW

Siablue, I don’t think you should let H see him after the police were called - or at least take professional advice over this.

I have let x see kids twice a week, even though I can never be sure he is a ‘safe’ person. I thought this would be seen as reasonable behaviour if we end up in court but at the Freedom Programme the leader told me that allowing contact won’t always be looked upon favourably as they would wonder why you would let your DC see someone unsafe. Every situation is different.

If you arrange contact with family around at least he cannot try to bully & control you.

Good luck - I know it’s a massive shit-show - I’m right in it myself! X

Thank you everyone. I feel reassured. I also spoke to a solicitor today who said that I am doing the right thing and I don’t need to enable contact if I don’t feel that DS is safe. She said it is extremely unlikely that he would get unsupervised contact. She says if he goes to court she will ask for a psychiatrists report. I have been trying to get him to see a psychiatrist for bloody years so that should be an interesting one.
Moffa that’s so interesting what you were told on the Freedom Programme. I do feel worried for you and your kids. I hope you are all safe. Where does he see your DC?

I think the thing is you are conditioned to jump st their demands no matter how unreasonable they are.

@Siablue I agree with that. It becomes automatic.

@Aggh we haven't heard from you for a while, are you doing okay?

Hello ! Thanks for asking after me, it’s nice to feel wanted.
I kept out of it cos you guys seem to have massive serious shit to contend with and I felt a bit of a moany ninny. I start to think ( again) that I’ve got it wrong, it’s ok etc etc.
So why do I feel jealous when my mates talk about their hubbies?
Thanks once upon. Very reassuring that I’m not mad, just questioning.. I guess you are right - it’s so subtle. On a climate March dd said no point being next to him he’d tell her she not to chant. Of course she was right. He looked embarrassed and did tell her that.
Yet when someone else says, ‘ your dd is so cool for chanting’ he’s all ,’yeah’ . He says his work is awful, boss never says well done, but ds asked me why dad never says that to us.
Etc etc etc. How the x do I leave ? Even if I should? What about kids? Is it that bad? Blah blah blah. And so I procrastinate and hope things improve. They are, I guess.last time I mentioned picking up the towels he said ok, and not the usual rant. Ds and I were actually surprised when he mentioned ds mucky school shirt once, and then left it.! So We talk about his work and I agree with him but it’s not exactly fun, or ...well, fun.
Have recently got in touch with v good friend from years ago ( yes he’d persuaded me she was awful) and we are beginning to chat about doing something to earn money together, so that’s Brilliant!
Sorry, I do go on. Too tired to edit! And v therapeutic ( for me anyway! ) I really value your comments and stories. Go girls xxx

Sorry this is all about moi. Sea blue I’m very pleased for you. Well done. Fml in answer to a comment up the page, yes they do sound identical. Covert and victim. And abstaining responsibility so they can blame you.
Everyone else, thanks for the support. There’s nothing concrete to say, ‘I’m not putting up with that off you go’. Though I think breaking a door maybe counts. What happening now? Is he reigning it in?