just learnt am in abusive relationship

[Aggh]

Have just learnt that Im in an abusive relationship thanks to you amazing mns.Who knew? How could something so seemingly sensible be controlling?
well, I knew, but was trying not to. So thankyou mns for pointing me in the right, if painful, direction.
Thanks to your wise advice, I went to see a counsellor who has advised me to call womans aid. OMG. Have just downed far too much booze so apologies. am ...totally...shocked. and i still have to act normal for the kiddies.
sorry, its just that i dont have any mates to call (apparantly normal). Completely wierded out. And hubby to be coming home soon, been suggested I act normal in case, so better get the homemade pizza on so we can all have a normal friday night. wtf? feel like Jason Bourne in my own home. anyone want to add some sense to all this confusion, feel free!

Good for you. Sending hugs.
Keep is updated

*us

Going into a refuge before he gets back. He will go nuclear. Also going to speak to the police and remove my wedding rings. I am heartbroken. I thought he loved me and we would work it out.

Oh my goodness mollusc! That’s amazing, well done you. I really hope you have the back up. Stay strong! You can do this!
And fml, thanks for asking. How was your weekend?
We’ve had FUN! He’s been simmering . He wanted to take us out for a family treat ( oh right ) and got cross becos, surprise! The kids had Other Plans, so all day Saturday he was picking on Things I’d Done Wrong. And he casually looked at my texts, which he does, but now I m noticing it in a different light. but for the first time he went through my purse and demanded to know why I had £80 in cash. Bugger! I’ve been getting out an extre tenner here and there in the groceries, thanks for the tip mns. I kind of meant to hide it, but I felt that was being a bit ott. Obviously not. Again, shock! It’s exactly what a wise mn said he would do. And he has.
And then he said, ‘ there’s going to be some changes’ ...
Eww. Really nasty. Then one endless tirade later, we get to the car shop ( he accused me of wasting money when I burnt a bagel listening to him go on and now we are looking at cars???), and just said, ‘ smile!’ And that’s it? I’m supposed to forget it? VERY confusing and exhausting.
Just had chat with dd who said they’d been doing abuse at school so they’d know when they started Dating ( very good idea) and she’d recognised that darling daddy does ‘financial abuse’ . She said she might ask her teacher. Should be interesting!
Thanks for listening. I’ll dump it all in a diary, but somehow it’s nice to write it out, it helps me not forget - like fmlrn. And it really helps hearing your views and to remind me, no I’m not just going a bit potty.
Good luck people.

Oh mollusc, good luck. Can’t offer any words of wisdom. And here’s me droning on. I’m aware that there are serious situations out there, with very strong women sorting themselves out. You can do this x

@Theworldcouldbemymollusc well done. Keeping everything crossed for you.

@Aggh he is being a prize shit! Awful.

Mine is being super nice and helpful, but it's still all about him.
He hasn't changed though because he still talks about others with pure venom, he thinks everyone is a c#*#.

Hearing your stories is making me feel like I'm making a fuss of nothing, he's more subtle than your dh, no less of a bastard though.

@Aggh that is SO abusive. You listed one, two, three, four, five separate instances of abuse and control.

How wonderful your dd is noticing. How did you react, did you shut her down, minimise?

What a blow about the £80, he is going to make it much harder for you now.

@Aggh

Just wanted to say I'm really impressed with your DD (and her school) and it's brilliant you have an open relationship where she can talk to you about these concerns.

Imagine a day out with DD and DS in a year, without someone dragging you down - laughing together and making lovely memories then going home all sleepy and worn out from a fun day with them, then shutting your eyes and sleeping beautifully without dreading what the next day will bring.

You'll get there - believe in yourself and keep that picture of the future in your head.

Well.
I can’t believe fmlrn that you think my dh is nasty compared to yours, I thought mine was not really worth moaning about. Though this does seem to have got to a new level. Am trying to read my posts with a strangers eye!
Screaming, it was a bit of a wooah moment. I didn’t want to minimise it, for her, because that would screw up what the school were teaching, and mean I was not hearing her, which at her age, you know is crap and she’d not trust me again. So I took a deep breath and went with it, and said something like ‘oh that’s interesting , what else did the school say?’ She said that she might ask her teacher and I said, ‘oh good, I could do with some tips’. I hope this was encouraging her to start a dialogue and opening the way for discussion, without labelling or accusing dh to her. My idea was to see what the school said and talk to the teacher about how to handle something for her, when I’m not sure waht to do for me yet.
I hope this was ok!
That curly, thank you for the boost. I can soo imagine a day like that! When we are together we have fun. Even taking ds shoe shopping which is usually a total nightmare was fun when dh decided he’d stay at home.
I read ‘things dh does that you love’ on some Father’s Day bit of mn. And was shocked to realise he’d never done any of those things - no taking them out and coming home tired and muddy. No reading stories and giggling ( very rarely) no none of it. Just a lot of staring at the tv and saying he’s tired, or footballs on. I realise I’m only writing choice highlights, so I’m trying not to be too biased, but fmlrn, I watched a few videos on the link you posted and, wow. Him to a tee. They have helped me begin to understand what’s going on, a bit. So thank you, very informative.
Am away for a week visiting mum, yay, bit of a battle to get here, and felt like I was being punished ( see above post) until the last moment when he’s all, ‘ have a nice time, have a proper hug’...and then turns his face away when I hug him! What? now hes all lovey dovey when I phone the kids. Not sure I can be arsed. Which is major! In the past I’ve always been, ‘oh I’ve made a mistake, he was stressed etc’. Ugh.
Am sooo glad have a week with mum, and a break!
Thanks ladies for your support, support right back atcha!

@Aggh glad the vids helped, he's brilliant I think.
Dp is guilt tripping me at the moment and being all lovey and sulky at the same time.
I recognise this as part of the cycle now, where as before I didn't.
I am expecting it to escalate now, he is trying to snoop on me and getting sulky about me going out and looking nice, he says he doesn't want me to meet anyone else he has put me off men for life!!!
I'm not falling for his bullshit and it's knocked him for six I reckon, so he's upping his guilt trips and sulking.

Have a lovely break at your mum's.

I’m struggling today. Surrounded by piles of random crap I grabbed from the house. Too overwhelmed to sort it. No messages from him apart from 2 long ones detailing finances. I know it’s over but the lack of emotion is really painful. I feel like my life has been a lie. Not coping well

Stay strong theworld, picture where you would love to be a year from now. Your life is not a lie and now you have the chance to live it on your terms.
The lack of feelings only confirms you did the right thing.
Find something you love doing to pamper yourself today.

You can do this, the world.! T.cheese is right, I think. Plough on through this crap bit now, and in a years time you will be doing your own thing on your own terms. I think possibly leave the crap unsorted for now, it’s not important, and definitely pamper yourself today, that is important, it’s essential maintanence to help you stay strong.
I think. But it’s easier to see other people than yourself.
Fmlrn, yup, I sympathise with the guilt trips and sulking.am on the same part of the cycle. just called dh from my mums house and am getting the same woe is me stuff. And what’s crap is it still has the effect of making me feel guilty. ! Please don’t fall for it and go out with your mates a lot and don’t let him isolate you.
Gosh it’s hard to recognise, but we are beginning to.
Good luck all. Thanks for posting xx

@Aggh
You sound a bit stronger in your last post.

How was your weekend?

Thanks fmlrn.
Am at my mums till Wednesday and she and my brother have been amazing. Turns out, of course that they know, because I’ve lost my sparkle. Both will help, I just have to work out what to do.
What about you? Are you still being reeled back in?
Big hugs mollusc.

I wish I had the same support as you, it's great that you do.

Yes I'm just back in the mundane swing of things, now he's becoming jealous and possessive and needing constant reassurance. Despite knowing how I've been feeling about him it's exhausting.
He says it's not like he's been horrible or abusive to anyone or hurt anyone

Oh and he has "jokingly" said he will kick my flowers in the garden now he knows how much they mean to me. This is okay as he was laughing about it.
I get a lot of enjoyment out of gardening and he's going to use it against me one day

Oh fmlrn, that’s awful. It seems so innocuous but it’s so not. It’s so nasty. Why do they do this???
And then all our energy goes on thinkyabout they, and not us

Mine just rang to say kids upstairs, he’s had to take a days holiday to go to Dss leaving show at primary school. I haven’t left a clean shirt for ds and he’s not washing one now, and why am I taking a taxi ( and bus) when I get into town at 1 am from mums? Why didn’t I think to leave the car near the airport? It’s so subtly guilt inducing. Mum just sai, I’m 86, it’s my birthday, I’ve had an operation, he can handle it . She’s amazing, I will lend her to you !
I think the thing about the flowers is awful. As would any outsider. So hard to see when it’s you xxx good luck xxx

And no I didn’t get to speak to the kids, he had to get off the phone because he was angry . Humph!

Jealous and possessive and needing constant reassurance sounds familiar.
Sorry, I’m front of moonraker and roger moore just isn’t cutting it !

@Fuckmyliferightnow do write all this awful stuff down somewhere - this is emotional abuse and the police currently have a big push to deal with this. Things that we perceive as small are all offences. I am somewhat in the know as the police want to take a statement from me and start an investigation...

Aggh
Good you are starting a diary/log but do, please, ensure he will never find it. Maybe keep this information in a completely separate email account (separate username and password?) or on your work computer in a passworded file (sorry unsure if you work outside the home).

Also do log out if your MN account after each session and clear down your internet browsing history after each session abs/or use the "private browsing" option.

Some banks offer a "Save the change" type of account which might be useful if you are trying to save small amounts of cash regularly. Take a look online or speak to your bank.

Take copies/photos of your important documents (your and children's passports, birth and wedding certificates, financial statements incl pensions - his as well as yours) and Store safely with your mother/brother a you may well need it for legal purposes later on - and you may find it difficult to obtain this information later on.

I want to say how much I admire you all. You sound so strong at such difficult times. 🌹

Aggh- do sign out of Mumsnet on all your devices while this thread is going (sign in only when you’re posting) I don’t think you want anyone coming across this thread by accident