just learnt am in abusive relationship

[Aggh]

Have just learnt that Im in an abusive relationship thanks to you amazing mns.Who knew? How could something so seemingly sensible be controlling?
well, I knew, but was trying not to. So thankyou mns for pointing me in the right, if painful, direction.
Thanks to your wise advice, I went to see a counsellor who has advised me to call womans aid. OMG. Have just downed far too much booze so apologies. am ...totally...shocked. and i still have to act normal for the kiddies.
sorry, its just that i dont have any mates to call (apparantly normal). Completely wierded out. And hubby to be coming home soon, been suggested I act normal in case, so better get the homemade pizza on so we can all have a normal friday night. wtf? feel like Jason Bourne in my own home. anyone want to add some sense to all this confusion, feel free!

@Aggh it these seemingly innocent comments, when you pull them up on it you get told you're being a snowflake and nit-picking 

@Theworldcouldbemymollusc thanks, I'm trying to log this stuff down but sometimes seems so petty, but that's good to know!

Hi,

Hopefully this isn't too intrusive - but we made a documentary with Women's Aid and Surrey Police that explains coercive control, how to spot it, and suggestions on how to get help.

Hopefully it might be of use to anyone struggling with this topic

I'm dealing with Dp having a pity party tonight.
Making an extra effort to look sad and in a bad place.
I'm just being careful how I come across, too annoyed then I'll get called miserable, too happy then that means we can have sex which I'll turn down, which will mean more sulking!
My anxiety is up again

My stbxh tried sending messages about money and how he had cancelled the mortgage direct debits. Then messages to my dcs from his dcs expressing his devastation. Then a text asking me back home to make our family whole again. All the time texting and telling everyone that I had emptied the house. Not true! So annoying.

Hi ladies how are you?
We had a weeks holiday which was fine. Thanks to the you tube videos you posted, am now able to spot little digs for what they are and not get upset. Need to somehow work out what to do next.
What about you?

@Aggh hey!

The videos do help, Kim Wilson TV is good as well, she talks from experience. Inner Integration is also very good.

I'm being love bombed and spoilt still, but there is still lots of self pity and sulking and somehow he now wants more sex which means more mardy bum expressions because I'm not fussed.
Lots of sarcasm but less to me and more to dc.
I got a dead pan glare from him the other day for daring to disagree with him, which made me very anxious.

I'm still making plans but it's going to take time, now is not the right time.

Has he noticed a change in you? Mine has and it's totally thrown him, but the nasty fucker is still in there.

Yes!
I think hes noticed Im not running around after him so much, and is now being nice too. wierd.
Its just the same as you said, - a pity party so he can have sex 'because he works all week and deserves it' no chance at this end either.

hes still doing the pathetic voice when he wants a shirt ironed etc (though tells his mum he does his own ironing, ffs). And am still getting digs about my job, yay! in a cafe and slagging it off in front of daughter. How do you cope when he is sarcy to dc? That really does not sound good.

Am sorry you got The Glare. For ages I was searching for answers to his behaviour and found all these websites that go on about the dramatic side of things, so I was confused and depressed and thought it was me being rubbish. Only now do I understand what a glare can do to a girl.

well done with the plans.
I'm nowhere with that yet, but AT LAST I know more of whats been going on, and can remind myself that ive put up with enough crap. wheras before I was actually making excuses for him. so feeling like im making some sort of progress. HURRAH.

Mollusc - well done!! keep it up!! It sounds like he is pulling out all the stops, which means you are winning!. you can do this!!!

Thanks for the tip re videos, will watch them too.

Good luck ladies!

ps thanks girl who wears glasses. will do.

Fuckmyliferightnow, my ex destroyed my things - anything that gave me pleasure usually copped it after a fight. Because we lived in a flat-share at the time it took a while before I realised that my things weren't getting damaged accidentally and that it was always after a fight engineered by him.

Then I realised it's just stuff. And I stopped buying myself little things like a nice book because I knew it would get wrecked. I stopped getting emotionally attached to stuff and put away the really irreplaceable stuff at my mums house. It made it surprisingly easy to pack when I needed to leave. Silver linings and all that.

Just visualise the most wonderful garden you'll have in your life when he's no longer part of it.

The glare is scary
I had to have a gin to calm my nerves.

The sarcy comments at dc, I try to distract and take them out of the situation ie suggest playing in the garden or with toys.
I try to ignore it but it's upsetting.

Those videos are a god send I think.

What is his problem with your job though?

@NewFoneWhoDis thanks, I do think about it often. I don't trust him not to flatten everything, he can be so vindictive.

You must feel so much better out of that situation!
That's really sad.

Start collecting evidence of the abuse.

I didn’t realise my marriage was abusive until I wasn’t in it any more and any solid evidence was long gone, I’m now scratting around years later for some as the fucker has reared his head after years of NC.

@IDontGiveABagOfDicks that's awful. Is it possible to not engage? Please don't let him back in.
Do you need evidence?

I log most things. I have a thread called Help! That I use for logging stuff. It helps when others can say, well this isn't right!

@Fuckmyliferightnow

@Fuckmyliferightnow

He’s decided he wants mediation about our DC. After 4 years of NC with DC and going to extreme lengths to avoid CMS.

I have no choice but to go in, it’s not fair. DC has zero memory of him, is happy and settled.

Hopefully mediation will be rejected due to the abuse and I’ll be able to get a Legal Aid solicitor if he takes me to court.

It’s terrifying.

@IDontGiveABagOfDicks it sounds terrifying.
They're fuckers aren't they.
Did you involve Women's Aid at the time or you GP?
Is there anything on record?

@Fuckmyliferightnow Not at the time, no. I was too busy shoving it down so I could raise my baby and elder 2DC My HV visited weekly for 6 months and I spoke to her in detail, so I’m trying to track her down as for the life of me I cannot remember her name, and my current GP is searching my files for me.

Perhaps she logged it on the system. I hope you find something

oh, I dnt give a ... that sounds awful. I really wish you luck with the records. Unbelieveable that they can think like this . sorry, not much of use to add, just a symapthetic hug.

I know this is all minor compared to a lot of you ladies, but, Aggh!
We are in the nice phase, so im trying to be nice back and sat on the end of his bed and asked about his night out and offered coffee. Then he says, 'yes and then we could have a special cuddle'. Aggh! Thatll learn me to be friendly!
a) who says 'special cuddle' ffs.
b) surely you snuggle up and it develops?
c)How do I say (so that he gets it) that 'special cuddles' are an extension of ordinary hugs and cuddles? if i try and peck him on the cheek he tuens his head, doesnt respond to hugs . so when he wants sex i reaally just feel like im servicing him

Annnnddd last time he tried this shenanigans it was, 'i work all week I deserve it'A
nd his room is a tip.
AIBU?

Fuckmylife i rather think youll understand this!

@aggh yes I do, there is an expectation there isn't there? It's that expectation that makes me want to run.

We've been 'nice' but yesterday he was sulky so I had it out with mardy fucker!

Try to remember even the nice stuff is part of the 'cycle', it's taken some time to realise this.
Also Grey rock (so hard though).

gosh im glad youre there.
well done for having it out! bet that ended well !
well done for the consise post. This isnt! I just need to work out if Hes being a bugger or Im being crap. its just exhausting.

I think we are about to start another phase. last week he said we needed to go out more and he was too busy at work so I should organise stuff. This week hes all upset cos ive arranged to see people (i did ask him) and hes suddenly wanting to see his mate, and making all stupid reasons why it will be hard to see these people.

I told him hed done this last time and he agreed to see them and go out for dinner, but now hes sitting on the sofa with that Look and saying hes got to pay for a dinner out suddenly, what happened to my job interview last week? Somehow the eye rolls and tuts when i say I didnt get the job, make me feel sick, nervous and afraid. It's stupid, but he seems to think Im not trying to get a job. Hes just commented that our friend is a teacher - completely forgetting that when i suggested i train to be a teacher,, he went off the handle and made it impossible to go to maths lessons or volunteer at the school.
Trouble is I DO want a proper job. Ive found a day a week but obviously thats not great. Im stuck - he rolls his eyes if i suggest training, and seems to think I am making excuses. Maybe I am. I know if I get a minimum wage job, hell be cross, and I have to listen to him telling me that this day a week is wasting my time and not helping.
He likes to say its not 'normal' and eberyone elses wife works - I know, some of them work shifts at the same place. we are all just getting what we can.
How on earth do I retrain and get a job? just feel stuck and useless. and to be fair to me, I do do everything else, and I mean everything. god forbid he should pick up a towel, or wash up.
Agggh!

sorry. just fed up and i get confused but cant quite place why.