just learnt am in abusive relationship

[Aggh]

Have just learnt that Im in an abusive relationship thanks to you amazing mns.Who knew? How could something so seemingly sensible be controlling?
well, I knew, but was trying not to. So thankyou mns for pointing me in the right, if painful, direction.
Thanks to your wise advice, I went to see a counsellor who has advised me to call womans aid. OMG. Have just downed far too much booze so apologies. am ...totally...shocked. and i still have to act normal for the kiddies.
sorry, its just that i dont have any mates to call (apparantly normal). Completely wierded out. And hubby to be coming home soon, been suggested I act normal in case, so better get the homemade pizza on so we can all have a normal friday night. wtf? feel like Jason Bourne in my own home. anyone want to add some sense to all this confusion, feel free!

Fuckmykiferightnow he doesn’t hit you because he doesn’t need to. You are already scared of him and he can say he is nice to you. Stay strong you have been doing so well.

I think it was easier when I didn’t realise it was abuse. I thought he was just nasty to me because he was depressed. Now I know I just feel afraid all the time because I can’t leave.

Siablue bless you. I got a GP mental health referral. I know you can self refer but I knew I needed specific help. I hadn’t recognised his behaviour as abusive. It was during the mental Health Assessment that the assessor said ‘do you realise you hit all the markers for Domestic Abuse? I need to refer you to the DA team’. Which he did and then I had a wonderful psychotherapist who specialised in DA. It was all quite traumatic really. I’m still very fucked up which is why I want to do the Freedom Program. But I am free of him (as much as you can be when you share DC) so life is gradually getting better! Sending you huge love & strength to get through whatever you need to do xx

@Siablue I just want to go.
Today songs of praise was on and he said in front of our 8yo "looks at all those ridiculous people, worshipping a god that murders children". In front of DC, AT dc. I told him not to say that and he said, "well it's true"!
What the fuck am I doing?

Just realised that is very outing, but I have to get others opinions on it.
Fucked up right?

@FMLRN yes, that is totally fucked up. Regardless of his views on religion, that is not something you say in front of your DC.

Please read the threads I recommended earlier. They show the difficulties of getting out of these situations, but also the incredible benefits to both you and DC.

Also read posts by AttilaTheMeerkat for both advice and insight.

You can do this. And there are awesome posters on here who will help you through it every step of the way.

Moffa that sounds really good. Was this after you left that you had the therapy? It must have come as a shock being referred to the DV service when you didn’t realise you were a victim of DV. Does he see the kids often? That’s would be the hardest thing for me.

Fuckmyliferightnow that is awful. You know it is and that’s why you posted it. It’s the sort of thing a child could repeat and get into trouble for saying it.

I am starting to notice how often he shouts at me. Just little things like get out the way instead of excuse me. He doesn’t let our little boy walk around the house. I am just realising how odd that is. He got fed up of being in his high chair so I let him down and I had to follow him round the kitchen instead of eating my tea because he is not allowed to walk. If he starts walking DH shouts at me to watch him so I have to do it. He has only just learned to walk so of course that’s what he wants to do.

Coercive control is so hideous. Smoke and mirrors.

@Siablue I had something similar when dc was a toddler, my anxiety was constantly high. Dc has had no independence because of his worries.
Unfortunately it only gets worse.

Thank you I know it's fucked up and I'm worried he'll repeat this at school.
It makes me so sad.

That’s interesting. It really is like there is a script that they all follow. You can still leave and he will be able to have a childhood. Noticing his nastiness motivates me to leave even though it the most dangerous and scary thing I have ever done.

@Siablue how are things?

@Aggh haven't heard from you in a while, are you okay?

*Fuckmyliferightnow*Every thing has gone wrong. I have another thread about it. But basically he shouted in my baby’s face and it ended up with the police at our house. I might have to leave sooner than I planned. I hope you are ok.

I hope you get help, and soon

Hi ladies. Thanks for asking after me!I’m amazed at what’s happening to normal, nice ladies.
sia blue im so glad you the police turned up. I’m hoping it will lead to support for you. Please get help and soon, and don’t cave!
Moffa, you were just about to leave when we were on another thread. Am glad it’s worked out for you. How are you?
Fmlrn, I know exactly what you mean about complacency and denial. I think yours sounds like mine, it’s all so subtle, I think I’m not justified in being on this thread. It’s little barbed put downs in front of the kids. Or even just a look. I’m fabulous at denying it, in fact it’s nit until I start writing this that I think, Er..hang on. Is that right? Am off to read the sulking husbands thread, thanks for the tip. And nice again I highly recommend dr les Carter on you tube. I think fml, you recommended him to me? I’ve learnt so much from him, and it’s really helped me see patterns in dh behaviour. May help someone else too? Go ladies!

@Aggh I find him so so good. There is so much on Youtube in the way of Narc support.
I'm slowly going back to just putting up and shutting up. Reading threads on here helps in some ways but not in others, like you say you don't feel justified being on here. I feel like I'm just being a snowflake.
This is where logging helps, I've being logging things on my Help! thread, although that's slowed down, probably the complacency kicking in again.

Does your dh show contempt for everyone else too? Constant criticism?
My dp does and he does it in-front of dc a lot, I can hear dp being copied. It's upsetting and I'm struggling with it.

@Siablue stay strong!!

Hi ladies, hope you're all doing as ok as you can be, sorry to read about what you have all been going through. I too have recently realised that my relationship is abusive (i posted a thread on here the other day about it & the support has been great). Reading this thread has just been so helpful too, I keep swinging back into thinking i'm over reacting etc but reading other peoples experiences which are so similar to mine is helping. Currently trying to put a plan in place and find the strength to leave.

@Seekingclarity01
What is your thread called please?

Hi @Fuckmyliferightnow it is called ‘Am I over reacting? Confused’ in the relationships board (am very new to Mumsnet home that helps you find it)

Going to find your thread Now!
Fml I know how you feel. Can I ask opinions on this? I think you may have had something similar.
Partner going to see mates for weekend. I’m getting ready for work and he’s asking me how he can do x, can I get him y. I tell him nicely where it is and carry on. Then it’s ‘wheres My t shirt. These pant have hole’ I say, nicely ‘ throw them out or mend them. ‘ then it’s time to say goodbye. When it comes to a hug, he does this poor me thing and leans forwards, hands by his side as if I’m supposed to hug him like a little boy. I kind of try it, but it feels wierd, and a bit off putting, and he doesn’t hug me back at all. So I say, that’s an odd hug, why aren’t you hugging me back?’ And he says, ‘ because you didn’t help me find x and told me to mend my pants’.
Is this wierd? It has left me feeling v odd.
Also ( as I’m here!) if I do get a hug iit feels forced and unresponsive, sort of. And then he’ll get this look in his eyes, look at my bosoms and suggest sex. So I feel uncomfortable. Well yesterday I couldn’t see how I could avoid it, even though I explained I had to go to work and be getting washing out and tidy the kitchen, and he’s all, ‘oh go on, we never..’ but. And this is actually beginning to disturb me as I think about it, he’s always had a look in his eye as if he’s not seeing me, but I didn’t like his expression and when he saw me looking, he switched on a smile. Later saying he loved me. But something about it just made me feel, eww. It just sounded fake.
You see, it doesn’t sound much, but it’s bothering me.

@Aggh he has you down as his skivvy.

He has no respect for you and it sounds like he wants a mum one minute, then a sex goddess the next, whichever suits.
A clear "go fuck yourself" is all he deserves.

I'm bitter today, sorry

No don’t be sorry. I still need help to see things clearly. Ridiculous though it may seem. Thanks for the summation!
I’m sorry you are feeling bitter. Can I help?

He has mentioned a woman who he has been seeing. He doesn't know I know, so mentioning it has confirmed my suspicions.

Oh for goodness sake, he’s a total arse. I’m so sorry. Weirdly does this help lift the fog? I mean now you know without doubt he’s a dick.i remember you were talking of leaving before he did the mr nice guy thing. Is that still an option? Remember you are brilliant and there’s a better life out there. Definitely. I’m sure a counsellor would say think of yourself, not of him. You are absolutely brilliant- look how amazing you’ve been on this thread. Dr les Carter would be proud . X go girl

@Aggh thank you

It's weird because it's like a puzzle I've been trying to do for months, I know what it looks like but there are still little pieces missing, little details that I don't know, but yes I know he has lied 100%.

Anyway I was bad, I msged her and told her she can have him, so it'll be interesting to see how long it takes to filter back to him.
I'm expecting a shit storm but at least now I know. He can't wriggle out of this really!

There will be begging and tears and pity, but now I know he's a narc I know it's all an act.

Why would he say this? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3685555-why-would-he-say-this

It explains here.