just learnt am in abusive relationship

[Aggh]

Have just learnt that Im in an abusive relationship thanks to you amazing mns.Who knew? How could something so seemingly sensible be controlling?
well, I knew, but was trying not to. So thankyou mns for pointing me in the right, if painful, direction.
Thanks to your wise advice, I went to see a counsellor who has advised me to call womans aid. OMG. Have just downed far too much booze so apologies. am ...totally...shocked. and i still have to act normal for the kiddies.
sorry, its just that i dont have any mates to call (apparantly normal). Completely wierded out. And hubby to be coming home soon, been suggested I act normal in case, so better get the homemade pizza on so we can all have a normal friday night. wtf? feel like Jason Bourne in my own home. anyone want to add some sense to all this confusion, feel free!

@aggh it sounds frustrating and exhausting.

You get the eye rolling too?

Just do what you want to do, he is not your boss or your parent!
If you want to retrain you could look into Open University or a local college.
It's your life!

I had it out with him but it ended with him crying feeling sorry for himself, saying he doesn't have any confidence in us, poor thing!

He's trying to coerce me into getting married, I told him I've never been bothered about getting married, he knew this but suddenly it's a major problem for him

Rant as much as you can, sometimes this is the only outlet for us, you need to get it off your chest.
He's being a total arse to you and knows what he's doing and how it's making you feel.

Oh thank you soooo much.
am so glad youre there. It's such silly ilttle things and you get so confused and think you are overreacting and it must be you being rubbish, but it chips away.
yup, hes an expert eye roller, loomer, sulker, poor me-er, Maybe they are brothers.
he doesnt think he should pay for training, so am in a catch 22!

hes gone off to mates, after pointing out all that's wrong with the garden (but not offering a plan) so am STILL entertaining son and have been all week (and last weekend) grumble!

and get this, has just 'found' a new shirt in his wardrobe. and just saw 'super cheap' nikes yesterday, and mysteriously new designer jeans in wash. Ffs. why bother? why not say, 'i wanted some new gear so i treated myself?'

oh dear, you've got the crying thing. at least its not the looming agressive body language thing, but it IS crap! hes being SO manipulative, and childish. would you just say that you dont have confidence in 'us' either? !...its a handy opener! though suspect youll need a lot of ducks in place before you go down that road.
mentioning marriage is particularly nasty and manipulative. honestly!
suspect [hmmm] (your emoji, dont know how to do them, am on a learning curve here)is the right response. Be funny if you went all Bridezilla on him, wonder what hed do then?!

sooo glad i can rant to you. cant bring it up with anyone else, which i guess is why its so destructive.
thanks!

OMG newphonewhodis.
just re reading this thread and you've just helped me realise ALL my stuff I got when I was a yuppy git has got broken. My pictures thrown in a cupboard, 'oh I didnt know the glass had smashed'.
crap.
I keep hoping ive got it wrong, or, 'oh we are getting on ow, I was overreacting' but its so subtle! but there all the time, just so hard to spot.

Thanks everyone. I really do need to face this.

Hello fuckmy ( love that name) and everyone else.
How are you? Hope all is well

Hey. Just trudging along

Usual frustrations!

I know. It gets boring!
Am trying gently making fun in a very gentle way when I spot him being a nob. Working so far!
God luck

I flipped the script a little the other day, he didn't know what to do with himself.
It gave him a taste of what it's like to live with passive aggression.
There is nothing worse than living with a sulker.

Hello aggh
How are things?
(Xx tc)

Hello bumble! Thank you for asking. I was Pulling My Socks Up and Getting On! My counsellor has been v good in saying focus on yourself and what you are good at. It’s v hard cos dh hates his job and his boss is being a twit. Just had 2 old chums who I lost contact with get in touch and one said, ‘ I think my life has turned out better than yours’ or something ( was a bit surprised!) and another who is lovely but both are doing well, in well paid jobs with direction. I’m trying not to, but feel like I’ve totally screwed up my own life.
I lost my confidence, career and flat in the car crash of motherhood ( persuaded to give them up for baby) and then long years of motherhood and isolation. Of course I’ve got 2 super children - who only need me now for dinner and lifts. But if only I’d kept my career - working with this lovely friend- and my flat.
I’m trying to get something off the ground which is hard with dhs disapproval. He said ‘why aren’t I working all hours to prove him wrong? I had to work out that it would be a lot easier if I had some approval and enthusiasm. And then it dawned on me that then I would be working all hours thinking about him to prove him wrong. And I don’t want that to be my focus. My focus is to earn enough to get my independence back.
Is this mad?
Sorry but you did ask!
how’s everyone else?

Hi aggh YOU ARE NOT MAD but hopefully finding your feet.
Please don't beat yourself up with what you could have done, what could have been. You made a choice (i did too) to be around your dc, that is invaluable and what was needed at the time. You cannot change this, but you can actively make a better future for YOU.

Please don't compare to others, it will bring you down, not up and onwards 😀. And you know when feeling down that is what we do... compare and get even more down. You have to walk the famous mile in someone's shoes to know. On the surface we all seem in control, happy, sorted etc. But behind every front is a real life and problems gallore 😁.

Please don't listen to your h, goating you into working full time, being nasty about the work you can get is just so... him. Take your time, find a job (any job) that will give you independence. So hoping you will break free.

Xx

Unfortunately @Aggh you weren't to know what a bully your DH would turn out to be, he dragged you into a false sense of security and you did what you felt was best at the time.
I did the same.
At least you are aware of what a bastard he is capable of being, that it's him and not you.
Start picking up where you left off, it's never too late to find yourself.

How old are you? I'm 41 and get how you feel, I feel I've wasted 10 years of (servitude) my life, being loyal to someone who took advantage of my nature and my trust.

My DB is marrying the love of his life at 46 and I've seen what a healthy, loving relationship should look like.
No arsey comments and sulking, only laughter and friendship.

Don't blame yourself.

This is such an interesting thread. I didn’t realise for such a long time that I was in an abusive relationship.

I desperately want to leave but am so afraid it will escalate. We have a one year old and he has his family convinced that he is dad of the year. I know that he will never let me leave with our son and will fight me all the way for full custody. His family believe I am an un fit mother and can’t care for DS properly. He has told them that he does all the house work and it is my fault the house is a mess.

I do almost everything around the house and for our son. I wanted to night wean him so I can get more sleep. He won’t help me with that or change a nappy (unless his mum is here and he is putting on an act).

He is putting pressure on me to reduce my hours at work. He says I am a crap mum to have DS in nursery full time. He says if I won’t reduce my hours he will. I really don’t want this as he has no patience with DS and if I ask him to keep an eye on him whilst I have a shower he puts him in his playpen and says time to go in the naughty bin.

He belittled and shouts at me everyday. I can’t stop crying. He says I am abusing my son if I cry when he shouts.

He hasn’t hit me but he does smash objects. He once knocked over and broke the washing aired when I just put the washing on. A small thing but I spend so much time washing and he won’t let me have a tumble dryer even though my auntie wanted to give me one for free.

He hates me seeing my family and tells me my mum doesn’t love me.

No body will believe me if I try to leave and he will take my baby away from me.

The other thing that is fascinating is that so many of the things that he does are so small that it would be stupid to complain about. He switched off my phone charger when I have put it on charge. I only realised after he did it so many times that this was a deliberate thing.

He throws all the crap out of his pockets on our bedroom floor. It is my job to tidy it up. If I throw away anything important I will be shouted at.

I am not allowed to make any decisions about our home because he is the only capable one and I will only mess it up. However it is my fault the house is a state.

He told me I don’t need to have friends made me move miles away from anyone I know. He says he doesn’t stop me seeing friends and family but he sulks and moans if I see them.

@Siablue I think you need to make a diary of all this stuff, even if it is small and petty.
Can you ring Women's Aid? They can help with all sorts of stuff.
I'm yet to ring them because I'm still partially in the denial phase and daren't.
This is abuse that you've described and should talk to someone like a friend or family member.

Thank you. I knew that some of the more obvious stuff was abuse but things like trying to sabotage my job I just didn’t realise. I have spoken to women’s aid. I haven’t felt able to talk to my family because that makes it real and I am not sure if I am ready to leave. I am not strong enough.

I hope you are ok. I think it is such a long process understanding it and then getting ready to leave.

Hi all,

I'm so glad I found this thread. Me and my DH have been going through a bad few months. He first told me that he didnt find me attractive, then I found messages to my best mate a little touchy but both stated it was innocent (nonlonger friends with said mate) then he brought his brother a car on finance without telling me. After all this we sat and discussed after a few weeks of separation and emails off him hiw he was so sorry we decided to try again. We went away with our 3 DD had an amazing time. Since we've been back every weekend (beer has been involved) we'd argue. This weekend. Tuesday morning after a night of arguing he decided to take things one step further and physically throw something at me then proceed to throw me across the room.. my DD were in the next room as I was getting ready for work. I took them to my mums as didnt want him around them. Now hes saying that hes sorry I made him feel insecure over the weekend and his mind was a mess? Do I trust him ??

Steepssister so I trust him? I think that’s the wrong question, you need to ask yourself is if you want to be with a man who is violent towards you?

Siablue - he’s a twat isn’t he. I’m sorry for you. Can you keep in touch with women’s aid - local branches may have a worker you can link in with.
It makes me angry - all of the treatment from these men. Who the fuck do they think they are.
My ex was abusive - he hit me a couple of times - ruined my 50th (but I pretended everything was ok - which is the usual pattern) - we carry the shame - but - it’s not our shame - it’s theirs - tell someone - gp, counsellor, friends, family, Human Resources - I’d taken a lot of sickness - he wore me out emotionally - when he was off at the weekend - I used be be exhausted after spending a couple of hours with him. He was a worrier and anxious too. He was Mr nice guy - Mr f...ing Christian nice guy.
He used to glare at me, blame me if he couldn’t find something - it was 100% my fault - always.
It was a slow process to get out of the FOG - yes he’d win me round, plead and beg me.
Thankfully I started counselling - I knew if I went my marriage would be over.
He hit me for the 10th time and I reported him - he shat himself - tried to call me but I ignored him. He received a suspended sentence and a restraining order and to do a DV awareness course - he’s not changed much!!!
I told no one in my family - I was embarrassed I’d chosen him to marry.
However abuse thrives on secrecy.
Keep posting - it’s the start of the process to getting out.

@Steepssister no, you cannot trust him. He has already thrown you across a room, what will be the next punishment if you ' make him feel insecure'? Please listen to the advice on here and get out ASAP.

@FMLRN please ring WA. You are doing so well, recognise all the stages, but are still suffering. I hope you can get your 'ducks in a row' soon.

@Aagh, so glad you're seeing him for what he is, keep going and stay strong.

You ladies are an inspiration to everyone, please keep updating.

@Mary1935 my friend's father was the nastiest, angriest, abusive man I've ever met. He was an ordained Christian minister. You don't have a daughter R by any chance do you?

Hi OP and anyone else still following.

I left my abusive husband over 5 months ago. I’ve had NHS psychotherapy within the team that specialises in Domestic Abuse And am starting the Freedom Program in September.

I finally ordered the Lundy Bancroft book (Why does he do that) and started reading it. I found it shocking. My STBXH did nearly all of the things mentioned in the book. It was all so insidious that even though during my marriage I was unhappy with his behaviour towards me, back then I wouldn’t have seen it as abuse.

Having had therapy and read the book, I could cry for my lost decade. It was worth it for my DC, but I wish I’d been strong enough to leave sooner.

Good luck to anyone who find themselves here xx

Mary your ex sounds horrible. I am glad he is your ex. I am in touch with the local women’s aid. I have a lovely support worker she thinks I should go into a refuge. I worry that leaving will make it worse and what will happen to our baby.
Today was a good day as he was in a good mood and wanted to go out for lunch. He did shout at me when I asked if he could keep an eye on DS when I went in the shower and told me off for washing the sheets at the wrong temperature. It’s little things like that that chip away at you.

Moffa it sounds like you are doing really well. I didn’t know there was specialist therapy on the NHS. I was under the perinatal mental health service until a few months ago but I didn’t tell them about the abuse. I wish I had now. I put so much effort into hiding it even though I didn’t know it was abuse. I didn’t want people to judge him badly because I love him.

My Dp is being super helpful and extra generous. But the nastiness is still there in his tone.
I feel stupid for pulling him up on it because now his grip has tightened on me, but in a different way iykwim.
I am scared of him but don't know why, he won't hit me, it's just his nasty tongue and criticism.

I hope everyone else finds a peaceful way out, even if I can't.
I just feel too weak. I hate myself for not being strong enough to do what I know is right.

@FMLRN you ARE strong enough, and every little step you take will show you how wrong this is and how strong you really are.

If you haven't read the threads 'sulking husband' and Awesmums threads, I really recommend them. They didn't think they were strong enough either, but their journeys are inspiring.

Thanks I will read them. I keep reading back through my threads because the complacency and denial keeps coming back.