just learnt am in abusive relationship

[Aggh]

Have just learnt that Im in an abusive relationship thanks to you amazing mns.Who knew? How could something so seemingly sensible be controlling?
well, I knew, but was trying not to. So thankyou mns for pointing me in the right, if painful, direction.
Thanks to your wise advice, I went to see a counsellor who has advised me to call womans aid. OMG. Have just downed far too much booze so apologies. am ...totally...shocked. and i still have to act normal for the kiddies.
sorry, its just that i dont have any mates to call (apparantly normal). Completely wierded out. And hubby to be coming home soon, been suggested I act normal in case, so better get the homemade pizza on so we can all have a normal friday night. wtf? feel like Jason Bourne in my own home. anyone want to add some sense to all this confusion, feel free!

Well we just had a row, he's crying again, blaming me for his depression, said he's never cheated and is innocent.
All he needs is for me to love him and care about him. I'm not helping him when he's at rock bottom.
I just feel so sick.

I'm never going to be free am I?

Wow you’re brave. And naughty! Total respect! I suspect shit storm is the word though. Have you got a plan? I mean, you don’t want to go through that without some sort of ducks in place, I guess. He’s a total twit. Are you seeing a counsellor or wa? It might be worth it to help you keep your cool. I know how much they can play your emotions . If it helps, it’s quite interesting to stay cool and observe...oh! Now you are being a child...now you are trying guilt,...now anger...now tears....oh and back to child again.
Mines away for the weekend and I’ve booked to see my mum at half term with the kids. I did ask him but he suddenly had no holiday left. It’s cost a fortune, cos he kept saying,’I can’t think about that now’ I should have just ignored him and booked it ages ago. Now I’m nervous that I’m being fair etc. All the usual anxieties that I’d hoped had gone have come back.
I’m glad you are finally being able to piece the puzzle together. Suspect you’ll get a show worthy of the west end. Great! It will prove you are right and well better off without him. Very best hugs and good luck x

I've been called a cunt, I've ruined his life, he's been loyal and never cheated, he went and got drunk and kept me up late knowing I have a full on week. He's saying he wants to die and it's all my fault.
He told me to leave, called me a liar and a fantasist. But he's still adamant that he's never cheated.
I told him about his nasty tongue and arsey behaviour over the years but it all still boils down to the fact that I'm a cunt and I've ruined his life.
I injured myself yesterday, I was bleeding and he has not on e asked if I'm okay or mentioned it. All about him, always.

OMG FML.
Please go and talk to WA, or the local mental health place, a doctor or somebody and get some support. This is appalling behaviour and you know it! He's handing all reponsibilty onto you and acting like a complete and utter prick.
Even if he hasn't cheated, which seems dubious, he should NOT be acting like this. Surely after the initial 'what me!' a proper chap would want to reassure you and discuss why you might think that. I know it's hard to say, 'Ive had enough' because they reel you back in, but maybe this is a really good opportunity. Please take it. You know he won't improve. and i wonder if you back down now he'll have free reign to lord it over you because youve so abused his trust (Ors some bollocks) Sending you massive massive hugs. you can do this x

I know, the cheating (or not) isn't important anymore, I would never speak to my lived ones this way, regardless of how hurt my feelings are.
You are right, I can't do this alone.

The really difficult part of the abuse is that you feel that you have to keep it secret and carry the burden alone. It makes you really unwell.

I agree with the advice to tell someone. It will make your life so much easier.

Fml, I’ve just read your linked thread. How are you? I would say you definitely have the reasons you need to leave. I know it’s hard, is there anyone who can give you some moral support? Easy for me to say on the outside but agree with the people on your other thread. Hope you are ok.

Seeking clarity, I couldn’t find your thread. Guess am doing something wrong.
Siablue how are you?

Aggh I have managed to escape and I am with my family. I am strangely more terrified as I don’t know what is going to happen next.

FML tell someone and get support. Speak to your GP and Women’s Aid. If you have any friends and family you can tell talk to them too. You have already made some progress towards getting ready to leave which is really good.

@Siablue @Aggh

He is making this as difficult as possible. Maximum drama, crying, anger, then back to pity.

I can't stand it!

Fuckmy, if you've ruined his life why does he want you to stay in it?
clearly best thing for him is that you to walk away and leave him to live his best life without you!

FML you know he is doing it to manipulate you. He knows he is in the wrong and is angry at you for calling him out on it. My H was the same when the police came to the house, it was all how could you do this to me. No remorse or even acknowledgement of what he had done.

What support do you have? Do you have family or friends you could stay with? Could you go to a refuge?

I'm not going to a refuge.

I just want to sleep and pretend none of it is happening.

He being super nice again.

@FML of course he is being so nice, to draw you back in, and make you think you are wrong.

You are not wrong. He IS manipulative and abusive. He HAS ground you down till you don't know reasonable from totally irrational. That's the pattern.

I've seen the freedom programme recommended on here so many times, I'm not sure how it works, but please look it up.

Have you got support elsewhere?

@Siablue you already sound so much stronger, congratulations!

@Aggh, how are you?

@FML also depression is no excuse to act like such a shitwaffle.

And his depression is NOT your fault, you cannot mend him, he can only help himself.

I say this as someone with anxiety and depression, married to a man with similar diagnosis.

Take care of yourself. This goes for everyone here.

@FML all he needs is for you to love him and care about him

So all he needs is for you to completely sublimate your own feelings, your DCs feelings, and both your sense of selves in order to accommodate him and his wishes.

And even that will never be enough.

Have you checked out entitledto site to see what you could claim without him?

@OnceUponAMidnightBeery thank you, you put it so well, my mind has gone blank and you have hit the nail on the head.
I will look into those on my lunch break today.
I'm having a shit week at home and work.

@Siablue @Aggh hope you're okay.

@FML its a lot easier to see things clearly when you're outside the situation, a lot harder when your mind is clouded with Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Hope you're OK.

I agree with that. I look at all these things and say why did I not ask for help sooner. I feel calmer now that I am away from him.

I do still feel responsible for him awful as that sounds. He has very severe mental health problems that he always refused to seek treatment for. Now he says he has gone to the doctor and is going to get help.

He obviously hopes we can get back together as he said he can change. I do think that now the police have been involved that I couldn’t go back if I wanted to. Social services didn’t do an assessment and closed the file because I moved away. If I moved back they would probably take DS.

Now I think he will kill himself and it will be my fault.

I know it wouldn’t be my fault but it is the Fear Obligation and Guilt.

@Siablue this is how I feel!

I guess this is why bullies pick empaths, they know what they are doing!!

Also I did a sample of the freedom programme online and I don't think it's right for me. The bullying they describe is quite extreme and doesn't ring true. It actually makes me feel like I'm overthinking it all and being a drama queen.

I checked the entitledto website and it said I can get £200+ per week, but that depends on my mortgage doesn't it, what is classed as capital?
Also I have heard on here that I need to work 25+hrs p/w to claim benefits but I only work 22.5hrs. Dc is 8.
Confused and not feeling very hopeful.

yes! Feel the same way!
Fml I did the same thing, only I went to a meeting of the freedom programme and at coffee break was horrified by the tales some of the women had. Felt like a total fake. But the very very nice lady went through my chaps behaviour patterns and as I described stuff she just said, ‘yes...that’s part of it...yes....and does he do x....’ she explained that they are very happy to talk to people who feel they are making a big deal because they believe that this type of behaviour will escalate, and want to catch it before it gets bad. She said that the only reason ‘he hasn’t hit you yet is because you are behaving ‘.
I think there is a massive problem in that a lot of the adverts etc show the more dramatic end of the spectrum. It should be more of a..your stuff somehow gets broken, he’ll yell if you ask him to pick up his towel..
Such silly things, but constant
Sb stay strong!!! He’s being a nob. You are soo not responsible for him. Sounds as if you have wanted him to seek help before and he chose not to. His choice. But you know that.Easy to say, but don’t waste your time feeling guilty - that’s what he wants!Counselling will help.
As for me?am totally confused as he is now mr nice vulnerable guy.was I wrong? My daughter said they offer counselling at the school and she is going to go to talk about her dad. So I can’t be wrong. Soooo confusing!

Sorry, I do witter on. Trying to make sense of it all.