Oh it’s nice to know you are out there! Not so nice to know we are all in the same boat. Dolores thank you, I am already sinking back into the fog of, that can’t be right! He’s nice! I will keep up with the counsellor. Tempted not to, because surely I can sort out my own marriage. But you and wa, say no, it’s bigger than that so I will trust you all!
Thank you for the link, mollusc. it’s so helpful. It’s so hard to work out whether you are being justified or not. I’m 14 years in ( blimey!) and still doubt myself. a lot of boxes are ticked, but it’s all so ..at the minor end of the scale, so I hardly notice. For years I’ve thought it was me. I even got counselling for pnd, which I now realise may have had something to do with being persuaded to move across the city with a new baby so I knew no one, and to do it all myself because he was working. Only because I read a thread on here I’ve realised other dads don’t do that. Some even come in and read stories or take the kids to football. I feel like I’ve raised them on my own. He will sporadically be nice, which used to end in him shouting because I’d have brought the wrong shoes or their socks didn’t match ( he’ll look like the poor kid!) ( what’s that all about?)
Little things like yelling cos I spent£ 30 on dds birthday, ( and ruining the atmosphere while we were getting ready for her party) then next day taking her out to look at £400 bikes. Written down it sounds bad, but I was just glad we were all going somewhere together. It didn’t occur to me till a week later that that could be manipulative.
Oh crumbs. Can it even be that me and the kids were having a laugh and he gets all cross cos they left the lights on? Does he get funny whenever people are having fun?? I think his dad does, whenever his wife is having a laugh he’ll say something. I think. Agh, it’s all so subtle!
The cycle diagram is interesting too. After a blow up we are now in the normal behaviour phase. Where we pretend it never happened. It’s odd too, he wanted to pop upstairs, so to speak, and when I said no, I’m getting ready to go out, it was all jokey, ‘oh go on. ‘ Which is fine, ( but I’ve just realised was just to get his own way. He’s not normally jokey. but I didn’t like ,’I deserve it. I’ve been working hard all week’. It made me feel like my role is to service him. It was said jokily But it fits into the description in the link. Or am I being too sensitive?
Then, I’ve just realised this is on the diagram in the link too...I’ll think, yay! It’s ok! And he will simmer and get crosser because he’s the main earner while I swan around, and then will get cross. He used to fling open my bedroom door and wake me up to yell. I got so I would be anxious all the time and dread the sound of his feet up the corridor. Oh my goodness. That’s the cycle. Is the set-up being cross cos I’m not in a well paid career? ( even though any job I’ve ever been offered hasn’t been good enough)
Oh my goodness as I’m typing this and re reading my eyes are opening! It sort of sinks into day to day behaviour and you let it go as you are so busy fire fighting, but written down and reading stuff is quite a pause for thought!
For ages I’ve been wondering, but so many articles are about the more extreme behaviour. It’s only recently I’m reading about the subtle stuff.
Sorry to go on, writing this is helping me process waht wa said. They are amazing btw. Cup of tea and a sympathetic lady saying, yes, that’s manipulative, that’s control...
At least we all know now. Trouble is I now doubt everything! Is suggesting we sort out a holiday on the night he knows I go to my evening class manipulative? Or has he just ( as usual) forgotten? And why do I cave? Because some small part of my mind says it’s easier, that I don’t want to go through the usual looks and sighs and crap, so thanks walking, it seems it may be too.
Sorry, stopping rambling now. I would edit all this to spare you guys, but I think it might be good ( for me!) to re read it later. Sorry!
Hello t.c! Yes it’s me. Am here now !