Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How hard should I try to contact a grown up child who has gone NC ?

258 replies

LeebieAnn · 27/05/2019 17:59

My youngest daughter ( aged 30) hand she whilst not completely NC has as gone full NC. Blocked me on all forms of communication. Not sure about email but got no response to one that I sent) so snail mail is now my only hope. Worst of all she dragged her sister(32) into the
" argument" and she has changed from phoning me virtually every day for a chat to arguing and refusing to let her DD ( 8) to come visit as previously planned. I live approx two hours away from either.
I reached out to the younger one by email but got no response. Phone calls and texts go unanswered.
This all started a month ago and I cried and was really upset virtually every day and it interfered with my normal activities. Now I am finding that my heart is hardening into anger.
Shall I just accept it ?
From reading previous posts over the months, it would appear that Mumsnet appears to advise that a position of NC with a parent is a correct and righteous step to take with an elderly parent that has annoyed you.

OP posts:
itbemay1 · 27/05/2019 18:00

Depends on the circumstances. Can you elaborate on the reasons why the NC?

NewAndImprovedNorks · 27/05/2019 18:01

What was the cause?

feathermucker · 27/05/2019 18:01

What is the back story to this? By that, I mean previous problems between you.

Justnapping · 27/05/2019 18:01

Hard to comment without knowing why

FiveAcorns · 27/05/2019 18:01

a position of NC with a parent is a correct and righteous step to take with an elderly parent that has annoyed you.

I can suggest taking your daughter seriously as a first step.

Hedgehogblues · 27/05/2019 18:03

People very rarely go no contact just because they are "annoyed"

daisyboocantoo · 27/05/2019 18:06

What started all of this? We need the context

overdrive · 27/05/2019 18:10

It depends why you want to make contact.

You've said you're getting angry and you appear to be minimising the reason she's gone NC, as well as blaming her for your other daughters reaction.

Based on that, I'd say leave it. For now, anyway.

feathermucker · 27/05/2019 18:13

Really need more background.

howrudeforme · 27/05/2019 18:14

You seem more upset that there’s nc with your grandchild than for the reasons behind nc with your younger daughter.

HollowTalk · 27/05/2019 18:15

What was the original argument about? Was it face to face or via messaging/phone? Did you used to get along?

EggysMom · 27/05/2019 18:17

You don't have a choice other than to accept it. What's the alternative? Tying yourself in knots trying to make contact? Increasing your stress level the more you think about it.

Something has happened (and you haven't shared what). Your daughter has decided that she needs to be NC, either to process the emotions of what has happened / is happening, or to protect herself and/or her family. Your other daughter has decided to support her sister.

They are adults, they can make their own choices. Accept, calm down, and be patient.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/05/2019 18:27

Accept it. You know full well also why you have been cut off.

Leave your youngest daughter alone.

sonjadog · 27/05/2019 18:30

MN does jump to advise people to go NC very quickly. However, in real life I don´t think people actually do that. It is a big and difficult decision to end contact with your mother and not one that people take because they are a bit annoyed on a one off occasion. If you want to build bridges, I suggest you start off by being honest about why both your daughters have decided to go NC with you. It won't be this one occasion, it will be something that has built up over years.

Starlight456 · 27/05/2019 18:34

I want to say as I am nc with my abisive mother it was tough to do and not still crave the approval I never got.

I think the teams why are very relevant here.

Arabuella · 27/05/2019 18:38

I was NC with both my parents. After years of being told I was a shite person not as good as my siblings and an embarrassment (for no reason btw) I turned my back and walked away. I never went to their funerals nor do I regret that decision. There will be a damn good reason for your children going NC and that reason should be respected.

lonelyinacrowd39 · 27/05/2019 18:39

To decide to go nc with a parent is usually a very difficult decision that happens after much turbulence in the relationship , usually (but not always) because of problems that stem from childhood.
It would be helpful if you could clarify , if this is just a falling out, resulting in your daughter has deciding to keep her distance until the air clears, or due to a long standing toxic relationship between the 2 of you?. The 1st is fixable the 2nd not so much.

KindnessCrusader · 27/05/2019 18:45

It's absolutely impossible to advise you without knowing the other side. What I can say is that going NC with a parent is rarely a decision taken lightly and also rarely easy for the child.

GinUnicorn · 27/05/2019 18:47

I hope if you really want to put the effort in this relationship could be reparable but without context it’s hard to advice.

AgentJohnson · 27/05/2019 18:48

There’s a word for continuing to contact someone who doesn’t want contact and that’s called harassment. You have no choice but to accept that your DD doesn’t want contact with you because the alternative is just plain harassment.

IvanaPee · 27/05/2019 18:48

People don’t go NC after one argument and I’m sure you’re well aware of that.

MN certainly doesn’t tell people to go NC with elderly parents because they’ve annoyed them. Though what your age has to do with it is beyond me.

RosaWaiting · 27/05/2019 18:50

I think going NC is a carefully considered choice

I was low contact with my father - he is now dead - and that was carefully considered too. It was also complex because I see mum all the time, so we had to have a conversation - we tried to work through our problems - but then eventually realised that the best thing was to go for courtesy hellos and then he stayed out of the way while I was there.

It wasn't easy but I can say categorically it was the right thing to do. It didn't stop us supporting each other through a couple of difficult times, including him having cancer.

I obviously don't know what has caused the rift between you and your DDs but I know he felt very strongly that being a parent meant I should forgive him for his problematic traits. I felt strongly that being a parent doesn't give you a free pass for being angry and irrational and screaming a lot - why would i choose to mix with someone like that.

In time, maybe the NC thing might mellow into low contact, or perhaps the relationship can be repaired. But in general, from my side, I can only say that a real apology is only expressed through change of behaviour.

if you think you are entitled to behave a certain way because xyz, you have to accept that some people will say "no, I'm not putting up with this".

Ninkaninus · 27/05/2019 18:53

I don’t think you should try to contact her. I think you ought to respect the fact that she does not want any contact with you.

cptartapp · 27/05/2019 18:54

Being elderly is irrelevant. Old age isn't a pass for bad behaviour.

springydaff · 27/05/2019 18:58

You're not going to get a fair hearing here op. Please don't post any more, you'll be torn to shreds. MN is not balanced on this issue.