How hard should I try to contact a grown up child who has gone NC ?

[LeebieAnn]

My youngest daughter ( aged 30) hand she whilst not completely NC has as gone full NC. Blocked me on all forms of communication. Not sure about email but got no response to one that I sent) so snail mail is now my only hope. Worst of all she dragged her sister(32) into the
" argument" and she has changed from phoning me virtually every day for a chat to arguing and refusing to let her DD ( 8) to come visit as previously planned. I live approx two hours away from either.
I reached out to the younger one by email but got no response. Phone calls and texts go unanswered.
This all started a month ago and I cried and was really upset virtually every day and it interfered with my normal activities. Now I am finding that my heart is hardening into anger.
Shall I just accept it ?
From reading previous posts over the months, it would appear that Mumsnet appears to advise that a position of NC with a parent is a correct and righteous step to take with an elderly parent that has annoyed you.

@gluteustothemaximus "She'll be fine. But it sounds like you'd like her to feel guilty about it?"
Well yes.I know she will be fine. She is a clever,, pretty, well- educated girl in a " good " job in London. however I am not sure how fine she will be when I am gone. I was as good as I could have been at the time to my own Mum but still get moments of remembrance when I could have been better. Not exactly guilty but aware, if that makes make sense. i.e. i need to know if she is aware of how much it hurts me and also aware of how she may feel later .
You only have my word on this but there has been no ongoing abuse. .I know the funeral thing is ridiculous but I am not sure that the will thing is.
I don''t want either of our stories to end like this . Truth is I am a bit fed up of her histrionics but I would never ever do to her what she is doing to me
I have respected her need for distance at times over the years but have always assumed, or vaguely heard, from her sisters that she is feeling down and just " in that place " . It is truly helpful to hear the other side and glad to hear you say that it is not a decision that you took lightly. Exactly what I mean. It is a serious decision.

@gluteustothemaximus "She'll be fine. But it sounds like you'd like her to feel guilty about it?"
Well yes.I know she will be fine. She is a clever,, pretty, well- educated girl in a " good " job in London. however I am not sure how fine she will be when I am gone. I was as good as I could have been at the time to my own Mum but still get moments of remembrance when I could have been better. Not exactly guilty but aware, if that makes make sense. i.e. i need to know if she is aware of how much it hurts me and also aware of how she may feel later .
You only have my word on this but there has been no ongoing abuse. .I know the funeral thing is ridiculous but I am not sure that the will thing is.
I don''t want either of our stories to end like this . Truth is I am a bit fed up of her histrionics but I would never ever do to her what she is doing to me
I have respected her need for distance at times over the years but have always assumed, or vaguely heard, from her sisters that she is feeling down and just " in that place " . It is truly helpful to hear the other side and glad to hear you say that it is not a decision that you took lightly. Exactly what I mean. It is a serious decision.

@peekyboo all a bit strange

I have to do something else atm but will be back with the incident that is " the reason " . It is not a " big tall tale ".
That said I think I kind of have my answer. "If she has gone NC I should respect it.

Well LeebieAnn your certainly dragging the arse out of explaining what you’ve done.

🙄

If you’re like this with your children you’re lucky any of them talk to you. Infuriating. And incredibly self indulgent.

I'm in my 30s and NC with my mother. If anyone asked her why, she'd come up with wishy washy reasons, excuses, claim not to know, but she does because I told her in no uncertain terms (by letter). Whether she wants to believe it or not is a totally different matter (and most of her issues come from a point of denial anyway...)

OP "however I am not sure how fine she will be when I am gone"

if you mean she will explode with "I miss my mum, why did I go NC", it's possible, but it's also possible she will just be relieved.

if you normally communicate IRL the way you are communicating on this thread, I wonder if they find it just too much stress to deal with you?

Hi Mum 👋

@AnneLovesGilbert @HelpAFattieOutHere @RosaWaiting and others

Thank you. The kick up my arse that I probably need. Truth is that in RL I rarely say what I mean. I am all smiley when I am feeling something else ) but I am trying to be open here. That said, I don't expect that I am alone . I am a peacemaker when possible

I have to do something else atm but will be back with the incidents

Of course you will....

Well if @Triglesoffy really is one of your kids you'll have a nice clear answer real
Soon

You’re playing games, OP.

I just would like to know if she wants a period on her own or if she wishes this to be a forever thing.

The more you harass her the more likely it is that it will be permanent.

@DirtyThree There is a reason that I posted here rather than on Gransnet. I want to to know how the daughters feel when they go NC .
Your post hurt my heart again.It does give me some insight that at least children do not go NC for no reason. The fact that I cannot see
" the reason " in my case is probably lack of insight on my behalf.
In my case I am perplexed and seeing as she has gone NC with no defined explanation makes it hard for me.
Also, whilst I am" talking" I can't help but feel quite resentful that no matter what grave line I have stepped over , her answer is to go NC and I still don't know what it is. I have forgiven her so much over the years . She has done no direct harm but being rude when we meet, or a simple not keeping me updated kind of thing. Not catching me up with her news at all . That hurts,

I rarely say what I mean. I am all smiley when I am feeling something else ) but I am trying to be open here

Given your style of communication on this thread and your experience of being in a violently abusive relationship, I get the impression that you were raised to never articulate your needs and to be passive-aggressive in how you communicate. My mother is like this and I find her infuriating to communicate with. I have never gone NC with her and could never personally do this but have gone low-contact at times and find her hard to talk to generally. There are always veiled comments, hints and insinuations at discontent that I am supposed to divine by psychic or some other mysterious means. It's exhausting.

Could it be that you are difficult to communicate with, OP? Have you ever had therapy for your experiences with your ex-H? You might still be angry about that and either way you will have had years of suppressed anger about that relationship and the stress of raising 4 children alone. Might be worth getting some therapy to work on communicating your feelings in a more constructive, healthy way rather than relying on hints or suppressing your anger even more.

Why are you avoiding telling us what actually happened, OP?

Im struggling to follow, but it seems youre terminally ill? Is that right?

I took the accusation about not loving her as much to my DD32 and she was infuriated and could not see why DD30 feels like this

WHY ON EARTH DID YOU THINK THIS IS A GOOD IDEA

One child feels less loved and you go discussing her concerns and seeking validation from the other child- how do you expect a) the favoured child to accept they are favoured b) the less favoured child not to feel this as a HUGE betrayal of trust?

Also, if your younger child is the difficult one and you have a good relationship to your older child, why do you hold the younger child responsible for the withdrawal of the older child? Your story just doesn't make sense.

Okaaaayyyyy.
I am still a bit confused

Are you saying that you would come home from work and wake your children up screaming and shouting at them because they hadn’t done the hoovering?

Going NC in my case was a build up of things.

This sort of experience when they were younger all adds up.

Also given the fact you cannot spit out what you need to say is also a thing that can get people close to you deeply frustrated.

If I was to hazard a guess as to the reason your youngest Dd has gone NC i would say you can’t look at one thing that has happened and lay it all on one incident.
Usually there is a build up of many things until something that might seem innocuous turns into the proverbial straw.

I think the incident that you think is minor (whatever it was) is actually irrelevant as it is just another small instance where your dd felt aggrieved... again...and to protect herself NC from these instances is the only way forward

One of the reasons I went NC with my mother was because of her ability to help every other human waif and stray who thought she was absolutely brilliant but when it came to how she treated me there was never quite enough money/support/time to go around.

Have you refused or ignored areas where you could have helped your dc.
Your dd could see it that a stranger comes along and you are all over them supporting and helping them but she wanted something and you weren’t there for her.

This NDN was a grown woman who had a husband. There are 1000s of Romanian immigrants who manage without help. Why were you “helping” when you appear to not have time for your own dc.

You gave great advice🤗

@Triglesoffy
Oh holy night,you gave me a coughing fit from laughing!!🤣😂

In pjs all day. Big deal so is dd and myself. It doesn't mean we don't go out.

Just give the bloody reason. I'm not surprised she went nc.

@AnneLovesGilbert
Looooove the name!!
Anne with an "e".❤❤❤