How hard should I try to contact a grown up child who has gone NC ?

[LeebieAnn]

My youngest daughter ( aged 30) hand she whilst not completely NC has as gone full NC. Blocked me on all forms of communication. Not sure about email but got no response to one that I sent) so snail mail is now my only hope. Worst of all she dragged her sister(32) into the
" argument" and she has changed from phoning me virtually every day for a chat to arguing and refusing to let her DD ( 8) to come visit as previously planned. I live approx two hours away from either.
I reached out to the younger one by email but got no response. Phone calls and texts go unanswered.
This all started a month ago and I cried and was really upset virtually every day and it interfered with my normal activities. Now I am finding that my heart is hardening into anger.
Shall I just accept it ?
From reading previous posts over the months, it would appear that Mumsnet appears to advise that a position of NC with a parent is a correct and righteous step to take with an elderly parent that has annoyed you.

Op, I suggest you do not write a letter and instead leave her alone.

I just wanted to say that alot of the responses on here are very harsh and are projecting ones own relationship with their mother on to the OP's situation

I do not think OP is a narcissistic and I think people should not bandy about terms when they have no idea about the person.In fact its the height of nastiness to call people such derogatory terms and some people have no right

The OP communication and approach are flawed and she looks like she has had a hard life and in many instances is doing the best she can. In fact we have no idea what the DC(30) is like and could be very difficult .

The assumption is everything is down to the OP ...which is ridiculous.
If we are hurt we can lash out ..who is a saint.We can say things like I am cutting you off ...in our mind that is ...
The point is she is trying to understand and mend bridges and should be commended fro that

I hope OP you seek counselling ans support from other women who have been in abusive relationships

As for your DC ...A short e-mails saying you are here if they want to talk and you love and support them always
Then leave it for a few months

P.S.I was very angry with my mother and my brother still is as we grew up in a very abusive household( my father was a tyrant..now dead). I think in part we blame(ed) her for not protecting us and for being so ineffectual , passive and a victim in everything ...she is still a victim.I wonder if your children blame you ?

but I got over it ..blaming others is not the road to go

The responses here are spot on. People like this follow a script. If you've lived it then it's as clear as a neon sign: NARC!

I can tick off: the self righteous letter, the triangulation with siblings, the manipulating illnesses/aging, the saviour/martyr complex, the 'I had it all planned out in my head', the emotional stropping and 'only joking', the bitching about children moving away and then moving away themselves...

Nc here for nearly 7 years. In fact, my mother was the one who went nc with me during a strop, I just held her to it this time.

It is a very predictable script.

The huffy daughter is also a predictable script.
Mothers are fine when providing babysitting/childminding and money but as soon as Mother has an opinion or dares to fail to comply with the latest demand, huffy daughter goes in a strop.

This post has made me very uneasy. Op, your life sounds very chaotic. Lateness, inability to get from A to B without drama, bizarre friendships that are made in haste, over familiarity, ridiculous excuses and long, drawn out stories that make little sense. Most worrying is the inability to sense danger, ignoring your instincts, which placed you in a dangerous, horrible situation.

I have been on the receiving end of this sort of behaviour and it is exhausting, it really is. I found the tranquillity and peace that no contact brought to be better for me and my family. It has to be balanced against the guilt that nc brings, but I preferred no contact. Sorry if this is brutal op but you have asked for a range of opinions.

There is a lot of projection in some of these responses. I will try to answer your qustion OP, without sidetracking into a character assasination . I would send one short letter or email. Say that you are sorry that you have upset her, you will abide by her wishes and not pester her but that you do love her and would be pleased to hear from her at any time. Then leave it, for a long time if necessary. Try to enjoy your own life as much as you can while you wait. Mumsnet is not kind to parents of adults. ( or step mums, or most men.) For what it's worth I think you are doing your best but lack a bit of insight in some areas, your daughter sounds a bit volatile but there isn't enough information to understand why. I say this to be helpful but you do go round the houses a bit when trying to communicate. If you do see her listen more than talk and keep to the point. I see that she sees her Dad. Does he encourage ylur relationship with you or undermine it for his own reasons?

I cross posted with ElsieMc . Although I am sympathetic to you I completely get her point. Any drama or long explanations are going to get on your kids nerves. If you write a short email she may not reply. If that happens leave it. If you get an angry email back try not to argue or get into a long winded debate. Perhaps suggest you both see a therapist individually and then together to help you communicate with each other

I think you are a drama seeking person and your daughters have had enough.