How hard should I try to contact a grown up child who has gone NC ?

[LeebieAnn]

My youngest daughter ( aged 30) hand she whilst not completely NC has as gone full NC. Blocked me on all forms of communication. Not sure about email but got no response to one that I sent) so snail mail is now my only hope. Worst of all she dragged her sister(32) into the
" argument" and she has changed from phoning me virtually every day for a chat to arguing and refusing to let her DD ( 8) to come visit as previously planned. I live approx two hours away from either.
I reached out to the younger one by email but got no response. Phone calls and texts go unanswered.
This all started a month ago and I cried and was really upset virtually every day and it interfered with my normal activities. Now I am finding that my heart is hardening into anger.
Shall I just accept it ?
From reading previous posts over the months, it would appear that Mumsnet appears to advise that a position of NC with a parent is a correct and righteous step to take with an elderly parent that has annoyed you.

I don''t want either of our stories to end like this .

Where do you want them to end? A letter saying that the door is always open sounds like the best step forward atm.

I've just tried to follow this thread though- it is out of the ordinary. I'm baffled you would invest so much time and effort into a family whom you hardly knew (the ex neighbours). Also wondering if alcohol plays a part in this story. Who past a certain age gets so drunk they can't go home to next door? Why is it taking you so long to specify why you fell out with your daughter? Yet you can give loads of seemingly irrelevant detail about the neighbours etc. I'm NC with my mother and she "tries hard" to break the deadlock. But she's unable to listen, completely unable to self reflect and also would prefer to help out virtual strangers than her own family. Just wondering if you OP are somewhat similar. Oh and for the record I went NC after thinking about it for circa 25 years. So definitely not based on one argument.

What is the reason your dd has given you for going NC and what happened the last time you did have contact?

Try to answer this question directly OP because you should have said this from the start.

This is a VERY strange post.

You have two daughters that have gone NC. Maybe time to look in the mirror.

I get the impression you think you have done nothing wrong and this is all out of the blue. Probably why the NC, because you have failed to listen to your daughters and they are just fed up with it.

A very strange post.

Why are you avoiding telling us what actually happened, OP?

Because she is enjoying having people waiting and showing interest. Lots of long posts instead of talking about the actual reason.

Narcissist.

All this “I have to do something then I’ll come back and tell you more”.

She’s lapping up the attention. I can only imagine the shit storm her daughters lived with.

Jesus OP if this is how you talk to/explain yourself to your kids I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve just run out of patience.
Do you realise how incredibly self indulgent you come across?
I’m sorry you had that experience with the other family but the way you are slowly updating this tale reads like you’re trying to garner as much sympathy as possible before revealing why she’s actually gone NC.

It’s all very well saying on here perhaps you are to blame etc, but we aren’t the ones who need to hear it - your daughter is!

From what I can make out of your posts, you have done things to upset your daughter. When your youngest tells you she doesn’t think you love her as much as her sisters - what do you do? Poo poo this and GO AND TELL HER SISTERS. You describe her as becoming “tricky” after she travelled and she wasn’t living in your pockets - is it a control issue? Did you dislike that she was suddenly exercising her freedom?
I’m sure it is very complex but it’s taken five pages and we still are none the wiser about this mysterious “incident”. I think you like attention, you’re definitely enjoying stringing this thread out, and it comes across to me like when your daughters don’t give you the “right” amount of attention or need you as much, you get quite difficult with them.
The whole tale about the other family was labouring over how much they needed you and relied upon you - and you seemed to revel in this role.

@DeRigueurMortis THIS!!! 1000000000000000 x this:

A decision to go NC yourself is hard, making that also in behalf of your children is not one made flippantly.

So you admit that when your DD tells you about how she feels you go and discuss it with her siblings, who not only dismiss it, they get irate about it. Bur you've no idea why she's gone NC? Riiiight!

My mum did this. Then she'd use my siblings' dismissal of my pain to justify to herself her dismissal of it. I've been NC with my mother and my siblings for years because of this toxic dynamic. Took years if therapy to make that decision though.

My son did this 15 years ago when he has a period of mental illness. I never stopped writing and trying to contact him because he's my child and I love him. We have a great relationship now.

My god you sound so like my own mother. Who by the way is a huge narcissist and abseloutley unbearable to be around. You really need to lool in the mirror. 2 daughters wanting NC says it all really.

Don't bother telling us the 'real reason' itll all be a load of lies anyway and we really don't care that much, although you seem to think we're all sitting around biting our nails just dying to know!

@gluteustothemaximus isn't it sad how so many of us have identical stories:

I can guess they go on forums to say how their awful adult daughter won't talk to them, and how I've been easily led by someone suggesting NC for a one off incident, and how I've always been 'difficult' and how they thought they raised me better than that 

@C0untDucku1a . Oh God no I am not terminal. My self pity must have come across ! I am just not as fit and active as I used to be.
@Triglesoffy
@Oliversmumsarmy NO!!
Hoovering was Saturday morning / or not usually. I mean I would lose the plot after a long series of non co operation. Rarely though.
@Babymamamama The family had moved at that stage, they were no longer neighbours. Also the children treated me like their Granny and had begged me to stay so we could go to the park or beach the next day.
@Tavannach As you say , and having thought it through with all the great advice and insight I have been given, I think the letter is the best way forward with DD30

Sorry everyone you deserve at least the incident that provoked it.
The DD30 in question was previously the dog lover in our family. she had owned two who inevitably were left with me when she went to Uni.The last dog moved to the sea with me and had a nice three months as his retirement before he also died, I vowed at the time that I would never have another dog; they break your heart when they go.
About three years ago DD32 decided to get a dog against all advice, then after a couple of months found that it was not working out so he was sent to live with me.
.A couple of months back it came to light that DD30 wanted the dog.
She had just moved in to DD39's London house which was empty due to renovations so I agreed she would probably benefit from the company.
We arranged that I would go to her on the Sunday for a couple of days visit to transition the dog. Long story short I was two hours late leaving here ( there were reasons) and then could not get a taxi that would take a dog then had to double back as I had left my ticket at home. Missed the 3 o’clock train, then was directed to the wrong platform so missed the 4 o clock and was not that cheerful by the time I sat down finally on the 5 o’clock. During this I kept DD30 updated by text and she said not to worry etc. I texted her that she “ could keep the dog this time as the” journey” had been so awful I wasn’t doing it twice” I I did not mean that , I was just fed up and annoyed at myself for being so delayed.. That was my error. She then told me not to come. I said don’t be silly that I was on the train now . She said well get off the train at the next stop then. Do not come here. Etc etc for about 10 messages so I stopped replying . Then DD32 gets on the phone and tells me that DD30 is hysterical and insistent that I did not go there. I refused to get off the train at some godforsaken station and made up my mind to carry on to KIngsX and hope that she would have calmed down . That was not the case. When I got to London she would not answer her phone nor reply to texts so, after having a sandwich and an aimless wander, I had no choice but to return home. The next day the explanation ( via DD32 )was that I would not do as I was told and get off the train. I countered by saying that I did not go to hers but apparently my “ disobedience” was enough.

You really are quite the manipulator, aren’t you?

Fortunately most of the posters on here (if it’s the MN I know anyway) aren’t going to fall for the frail, oh I didn’t mean it, helpless act.

I can certainly see through it.

Leave your daughters alone. You’re just pissed off that they’re not playing your ridiculous power games anymore.

I would not bother trying to get in contact with an NC child.
I have had years of only being wanted around when I am useful and to be put back out of sight when they dont need money or a service or childminding. I am a mother and grandmother not a service provider.
Going NC with me also means going NC with everything about me including my bank.
It does no good for the DGC either. They are picking up how to treat people from their parents and there is not going to be another generation taking advantage

Sorry everyone you deserve at least the incident that provoked it

What a knobber. I’m not even going to read the rest. Enjoy your five mins OP

@magicBrenda That really is not the case. I started with a genuine question and know that the NC did not arise out of one incident. I truly wanted to know how much I should persist in reaching out to her .
I am undoubtedly passive/ agressive when I try to assert myself and it is true that my lack of ability to communicate was severely impaired by the history with the ex. It was easiest to make myself very small and quiet .
However, I am not a narcissist.

Oh wow that was drip feed of the year award.
I also suspect there’s more to it than that.

You can’t force a relationship they don’t want, do the letter to please yourself but if they want contact again they’ll reach out.

Good Lord. If you send that Oh I love you and my door is always open letter, that's another nail in the coffin. Translated, what your daughter will hear is: I still don't accept I am wrong; when you've finished stropping you can come say sorry. My mother sent me that same letter. Weirdly, as she is still married to my abuser, I'm not keen to dance through her door. You sound like extremely hard work and absolutely deaf to what your children are saying to you. If you want an audience, join the local amateur dramatics.

Leave both of your daughters alone.

You are manipulative and self-centred.

And no, having a violent ex isn’t a free pass to be like that.

What you have chosen to describe is the tip of a very nasty iceberg.

I differ to some posters. The situation is complicated and I think the OP is trying to set the scene chronologically and separate her posts into bite-size chunks. Nothing to do with game-playing.

If the OP had just told us of the falling out over the journey with the dog I think people would just all be asking what the back story is.

I think the OP is an analytical person (as I am ) and detail just comes naturally. Nowt wrong with that.

You have taken overnight to even post what the “final” flare up was. And there’s crap about banning her from your funeral - if she’s dramatic, the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree, has it?

You managed to be HOURS late (“reasons”, taxis, forgotten tickets, someone else’s fault about platform - who doesn’t just check the electronic board themselves? Are you sight impaired? - AND then send her stroppy messages...

I’m not saying she’s blameless - who knows? But you sound a nightmare on this thread.

As for the daughter who won’t send her 8 year to you?

• you spend a LOT of time with a family whose parenting you criticise
• who have ill advised (according to you) 4th children
• where the 29yo is with a 68yo (???!!!!)
• and said 68yo has sexually assaulted you twice

And yet, you think that daughter’s decision that she doesn’t want a child near a potential rapist is “coincidental” and siding with the youngest daughter?

Right.

And when youngest daughter tells you she felt less loved, instead of addressing that you bitched about her to another daughter who would soothe your ego. Well, you clearly do like this daughter less. Might be a good reason, but it’s obvious you do.

As I said, I’m not suggesting she is blameless, we can’t know what’s the truth and not. But just on your own posts - it is not all her!

@StillMe1 totally agree

you've cleared up so much, op.

Your children have gone nc because you are a very difficult person and they feel drained by it all. It might be worth you talking it all through with a professional. This is all down to you and a professional might be able to help you realise that and react accordingly.

Imagine talking like you're dying to guilt your children?! Who does that?!