How hard should I try to contact a grown up child who has gone NC ?

[LeebieAnn]

My youngest daughter ( aged 30) hand she whilst not completely NC has as gone full NC. Blocked me on all forms of communication. Not sure about email but got no response to one that I sent) so snail mail is now my only hope. Worst of all she dragged her sister(32) into the
" argument" and she has changed from phoning me virtually every day for a chat to arguing and refusing to let her DD ( 8) to come visit as previously planned. I live approx two hours away from either.
I reached out to the younger one by email but got no response. Phone calls and texts go unanswered.
This all started a month ago and I cried and was really upset virtually every day and it interfered with my normal activities. Now I am finding that my heart is hardening into anger.
Shall I just accept it ?
From reading previous posts over the months, it would appear that Mumsnet appears to advise that a position of NC with a parent is a correct and righteous step to take with an elderly parent that has annoyed you.

Went NC with Dad after mum died, never liked his way of putting a downer on anything I did and did not need negativity in life. He made my teen years a misery, started every conversation with I miss your mom even though he was swinging in the months before her death. After she was gone I stopped phoning and not bothered in 2 years. Not a hard decision when a parent is toxic.

I'm 29. I've been NC with my parents for 12 years. I appreciate they will die, I may or may not attend their funerals.

I would not; and have not, appreciated any contact from them. I would throw away a letter unread.

If your daughter happens to read yours; I'd write more than a half-hearted apology and a suggestion that you rearrange. That ignores her decision to have no contact with you, it minimises everything. She will reach the point where she throws away any contact from you too, otherwise.

And to whomever asked, no I wouldn't want my mother getting advice on what she'd done wrong. She'd never see that she did anything wrong. It would be exercise in attention seeking and reinforcing her belief that she's the poor victim.

Her version of events never includes any of the stuff I've had to talk to therapists about, let's put it that way.

OP, please respect your daughters wish to have NC at this present time. It seems that the situation prior to her deciding on NC with you was possibly the straw that broke the camels back. Your daughter, regardless of how you view the situation, feels the way she does, you not believing or understanding her feelings doesn't make her feelings any less true or valid.

I am 5 years NC with my mother, I really, absolutely hate that I had to go NC with her, however it had to be done if I was to survive this life. It was a straw that broke the camels back situation for me also. I would absolutely love to be able to have a relationship with my mum but it is not possible.
My mother was not only physically abusive on a daily basis towards me, never my siblings, but also verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive towards me. Even now she continues her abuse through cards, letters, flying monkeys and many other avenues. This continuation of her abuse has meant that I haven't actually been able to fully process my feelings and thoughts regarding this. This has hampered any possible reconciliation on my part towards my mother and because it appears she has not and will not respect my wishes to go NC with her that there will never be a reconciliation between us. That makes me so very sad but it is due to her actions and I can't change her actions only my reactions.

@OnePotMeal, from all I know, a narcissist would hardly start a thread asking how to contact a child, as she’d be absolutely certain she is correct.

These are complex diagnoses. The internet has made an “expert” of everyone. I assume you are aware anyone can edit or create a Wikipedia entry? No particular expertise is required.

Your youngest daughter sounds incredibly dramatic spoiled and over the top. If my mother came all the way to see me in a train I would never tell her to not come/ get off he train in the middle of nowhere. What is wrong with her?

Right so I have a few things to say.

Firstly I wanted to share my own experience. I was L.C. with my mother when she suddenly died. I was completely fine and it never occurred to care tha we hadn’t talked or something because I knew we’d never resolve our issues. That’s why I went L.C. I wouldn’t worry about that in your place.

Secondly I wondered whether you had form for moaning at your children or taking out your bad mood on them? My MIL does that. I don’t think she realises but it’s quite exhausting and distressing for her children. Is it possible that this happened here and that this is why she reacted that way to the text?

Your posts are such textbook examples of the narcissistic estranged parents as seen on estranged parenting forums (and discussed on the blog posted earlier www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) that I felt sure it couldn’t possibly be real.

If you have any sense you’ll read every chapter of the estrangement section of thy blog and compare the examples to your own posts here. But I know you won’t.

from all I know, a narcissist would hardly start a thread asking how to contact a child, as she’d be absolutely certain she is correct.

The OP is absolutely certain she is correct.

Your youngest daughter sounds incredibly dramatic spoiled and over the top. If my mother came all the way to see me in a train I would never tell her to not come/ get off he train in the middle of nowhere. What is wrong with her?

You probably had a good relationship with your mother

Why are you in such a snit, @Halo84? Of course I know that wikipedia is an open resource. Everyone knows that. But are you seriously suggesting someone without the appropriate 'expertise' has maliciously edited the entry on narcissistic triangulation just to make the OP look bad? Despite the fact that the definition there is widely agreed and available elsewhere? Bizarre.

Actually, as personality disorders go, NPD is one of the easier ones to diagnose. It's almost always made in the absence of the patient, though, because, by definition, sufferers tend not to think they have anything wrong with them. Commonly, a working diagnosis is made by a clinician or therapist in conjunction with the family member most affected by the person's behaviour, often in the context of their own mental health problems. Unquestionably, there are lots of people on this thread with a good understanding of how it plays out.

As for the OP being unlikely to start this thread if she had NPD, I would actually say it's classic behaviour. She was probably hoping for attention and lots of sympathy, contacted posters off thread to try and sway the way it was going when it didn't work out that way, and seemed pretty entrenched in her view that she's done nothing wrong up to the point where she left the thread about an hour before you turned up.

I've been NC with my mum for 10years. Full on NC. Moved away and didn't give her my address and changed my number.

If she had been a normal mother she would have seen the warning signs for years and actually listened to me. She didn't though, she decided she was right and that was that. I decided that was up to her and my life would improve without her. And it has. I no longer have any of her bile and control to put up with.

It took me about 3uears to make my decision to go NC so I didn't take it likely. I can tell you, hand on heart, that she can forbid me from coming to her funeral and cut me out of her will. It makes no difference to me as I don't want to go or receive her money anyway.

She did try to contact me a few times but as her stance was pretty much "I'm right, how dare you be NC" I didn't respond.

Oh and I also will feel no guilt when she dies. Her behaviour forced this. In fact, when she dies, I will finally feel free.

I had a horrid relationship with my Mum. She hated me and I hated her. We never understood each other and were both desperately unhappy.

Then she got cancer and we had to get our shit together because time was suddenly a luxury. We had long, painful conversations thrashing it all out, realising our own failures and part in it and saying we were sorry. And meaning it. It healed a lot of old wounds, and although I miss her every day and I wish she was here, those two years of closeness is something I'm eternally grateful for.

Look at your own part in things, really look, from their perspective using what they've told you and try to build bridges. They'll have to do the same for it to work.

Fwiw I wouldn't want my children exposed to the family you describe. I'd be afraid for them and wouldn't necessarily trust you not to have them be around each other. That would be a really big worry, and I'd probably stop my children staying without me in that situation.

Lisbon that’s exactly what happened with my mum, almost to the letter (we got 18 months rather than two years, but otherwise pretty much identical).

On the other hand I’ve been NC with my father for over 20 years and I don’t know or care if he’s alive or dead. There’ll be no regret there if I find out he’s died. So much is dependent on the cause isn’t it, and this OP (like thousands of estranged parents before her) first of all doesn’t seem to know the cause, and then she does know but it’s stupid, and then thinks of several others but they’re all the child’s fault and she can’t possibly think of a single thing she’s done wrong. Textbook.

I'm not in a snit, OnePotMeal. I just think that unless someone here is a psychologist, and has met and examined, the OP, they can't know, as a fact, that she is a narcissist based on reading a half dozen wikipedia articles, or indeed, even their own personal experiences.

Deathgrip aye it's all dependent on why isn't it?

I'm close to my Dad, but nobody else in my family. They aren't important to me.

I am currently making ends meet on a State Pension only but I am in the process of selling another flat and own the home I live in.

I wish I was making ends meet as a double home owner

I find the details in the post the most telling. I half wonder if OP thinks (or knows) her daughter/s are on mumsnet and wrote the post assuming everyone would agree with her and that the daughter would read it.
Each post is filled with such crazy amounts of detail that there would be no problem identifying yourself. The only thing we don’t have are names.
Even an acquaintance could identify you ‘ah look it’s Jan. you know, the one who hangs around with that Romanian family’.

I’m sorry OP but I have to agree with the majority here.

Your post resonates with me because parts of it remind me of my mum - she will frequently offer to do things (take the dog to your daughter) but then something dramatic happens and the plans fall through (or sometimes she just lets us down with no explanation. We never can tell which is which). If I mention it she gets pissy. It’s like her go-to ‘thing’. It’s what she does and she always does it. And not only is it draining and annoying but it leaves us kids feeling like we don’t matter.

Top it off with the fact that you are moving heaven and earth for your neighbour family (not enough money/time to see your daughter again about the dog / choose a birthday gift for her but will faff around with a family who aren’t even yours and pay for flights back from Romania). And that whole situation just smacks of martyrdom/ saviour making.

Tbh I kind of feel we’re only getting a partial story here because you want people on your side.

You’ve had some very good advice (through tough love) but you seem reluctant to take it.

Why did your daughter stop contact between you and her children? Did she give a reason?

I half wonder if OP thinks (or knows) her daughter/s are on mumsnet and wrote the post assuming everyone would agree with her and that the daughter would read it.

Oh yes, very perceptive.

For those who are NC with your mothers, wouldn't you be happy if your mothers were trying to understand the issues, and even asking others to help them understand and resolve it?

OP should have listened and accepted how her dd perceives the situation. Getting the sibling involved is a desperate attempt to prove her dd wrong imo and creates a division between the siblings which makes the DD's problem worse. Nobody wants it to be them versus a group of people. Can you not see that the last person that OP should have gone to was a sibling of her dd?
OP has a right to discuss this problem but it should be with someone like us who doesn't know any of OP's kids. If OP does treat her kids differently then the favoured kids aren't going to be truthful out of fear that they get treated like the black sheep or they don't want to hurt her feelings and have another sibling dragged into this.

I understand that not all relationships with your kids are equally easy but I bet she knows that you consider her the "tricky" problem. Stop thinking that there is another secret reason for the NC. Emailing her to ask if the NC was temporary or permanent is ridiculous. It's continuing communication !! If you must send one last message it needs to be on the lines of "I'm sorry that I didn't listen and made you feel unloved. Despite our ups and downs, I love you just as much as your siblings. " It's not a court case where you have to defend yourself.

I am NC 20 years with my mum. It was hard on anniversaries like her birthday but it was a brilliant decision. My children are not tainted by her abuse (she's never met any of them) It wasn't a spur of the moment thing- there was a last straw event and then nothing. I will not miss her when she dies and will not attend her funeral. If she leaves me any money it will be sent to a charity like Childline. I don't need her making me feel worse than crap. I am happy and independent from her.

My siblings on the other hand have not gone NC and can't see how bad her behaviour is and they've endured it twice as long as me. They are stuck in the Fear-Obligation-Guilt cycle and have even introduced their partners and kids to her madness.

Is the OP not coming back? That’s a shame. I wonder if she is still reading this. If so, can we have some MORE DOG PHOTOS?

I'm struggling to see why OP has received so much abuse on this thread?!! You lot sound like a right bunch of twats! People who live in glass houses... springs to mind. The poor woman is trying desperately to sort out her relationship with her daughter and what help has she received here? You lot must be bloody perfect 👌

Yes I am.