How hard should I try to contact a grown up child who has gone NC ?

[LeebieAnn]

My youngest daughter ( aged 30) hand she whilst not completely NC has as gone full NC. Blocked me on all forms of communication. Not sure about email but got no response to one that I sent) so snail mail is now my only hope. Worst of all she dragged her sister(32) into the
" argument" and she has changed from phoning me virtually every day for a chat to arguing and refusing to let her DD ( 8) to come visit as previously planned. I live approx two hours away from either.
I reached out to the younger one by email but got no response. Phone calls and texts go unanswered.
This all started a month ago and I cried and was really upset virtually every day and it interfered with my normal activities. Now I am finding that my heart is hardening into anger.
Shall I just accept it ?
From reading previous posts over the months, it would appear that Mumsnet appears to advise that a position of NC with a parent is a correct and righteous step to take with an elderly parent that has annoyed you.

It depends also if you are quite a dramatic family, always falling in and out with each other, or if this is unprecedented. The latter you could possibly, at most, send a letter saying that you love and miss her, and you will be there whenever she is ready - but that you also accept this may be never. At most

X post, OP - in light of your update, a letter as I suggested, emphasing your love and your sorrow that she has always felt the least loved of your children. And reiterate if she ever wants to contact you in the future, you would love this. And then no more, ever - unless or until she makes the first move.

My husband went NC with his mother for around 5 years. She thought he was in the wrong and could never truly reflect on the type of mother she’d been. Although they speak now, he will never really forgive her, but she thinks everything is dandy.

If your child has gone NC. Stop and really think about why that is. Have you tried listening to her? Really listening?

@DeRigueurMortis . Sorry. I was being sarcastic when I said that I have decided that I am " right" . I am posting on here because I cannot see what I did wrong that it does not mean that I am right. Maybe neither of us are " right " .
You are again correct that my other daughter completely flipping our previous healthy communication is telling and I have yet to get to the bottom of it .
She has given me a reason but it is not feeling truthful and is really lengthy to explain. The real reason must be something that has been said between the two of them to which I am not yet privy

She has felt unloved by you.

You describe her as tricky.

The present thing is ridiculous.

She warned you her dad would be there and you decided that meant you weren’t invited. (So did you just not show up?)

Tell me; have you bad-mouthed their dad to them? Or, honestly, do you expect them to hate him for what he did to you? Did you make them feel guilty about a relationship with him?

So your post still leaves me very confused as to why your elder DD has reduced contact.

She clearly didn't have an issue with the present given she suggested it.

Is crux of the issue you not attending this birthday picnic?

You wrote "I accepted I wasn't invited" and offered to do something a week later.

Is it possible that your DD actually saw this as you choosing not to come to a milestone birthday because her father was there and thus rebuffed the suggestion of doing something else because she was very hurt (especially as by your own admission attended events with him previously).

If she's already sensitive to believing you don't love her then this would have been a huge snub and potentially one her sister would have agreed on?

I really think OP you need to look at all these events not from your perspective but for that of your children.

For both children to cut/reduce contact there's much more going on here than your explanation can address.

It's very common for parents who feel they have been cast off unfairly to assume there is some other, unknown reason for their adult child's behaviour, rather than the reason given by the adult child.

If four daughter has given you a reason for NC, then that is the reason! Yes, there may be years of difficulty and resentment hiding behind it, but believe me, there is no secret pact between your children to concoct NC with you.

Believing they are conspiring against you, and that there is an unknown, mysterious reason for all this, takes the focus off you, yourself, having any responsibility.

It doesn't have to be other people at fault. Sometimes it is other people. But please accept the fact it could be you.

So after a single month of her not responding to you you’re considering cutting her out of your will and banning her from your funeral? But she’s the tricky unreasonable one... Okay then.

I have done some very serious self reflection

Ha! Reminds me of when my mother said in an email I had forced her into introspection, the results of which were many paragraphs detailing all the ways in which I was a disappointing and ungrateful daughter...

@GottaGetUp
Yes! Along the lines of, I have been doing some very serious thinking about my life and realise all my troubles lead back to you and it was amazing it wasn't me going NC first. But I am willing to forgive you as I am moving and forgiving mother. Also, you are crazy.

If I can give you some advice op as the daughter who has gone nc with my dad if you are really serious and I mean serious that you want to make things right then apologise tell her your sorry and you want to try . If you don't consider this advice then don't even bother .
Going nc is after a long time years in my case and wouldn't have been made lightly. Yes I don't know the circumstances I can only speak from experience and if my dad didn't always think he was right and apologised for being so difficult and nasty then maybe I could of sorted things out .
It sounds to me you want to sort things out but you don't know how , just swallow your pride and apologise.

LeebieAnn

She has given me a reason but it is not feeling truthful and is really lengthy to explain.

But you can write a page full of possibly not linking back story with no problem?

I like the way you're feeding this all to us in bitsized chunks op. Really helps to maintain interest.

I am really glad I started this discussion, it truly is helping me . I was halfway through trying to get to the incident but will accept and acknowledge all the very valid points made.

@IvanaPee She has felt unloved by you.
" You describe her as tricky. "
Honestly she is difficult to please . My DDs and DS agree. I took the accusation about not loving her as much to my DD32 and she was infuriated and could not see why DD30 feels like this.

"The present thing is ridiculous."
I agree but it was something that hurt my feelings at the time. I am not carrying it forward.

She warned you her dad would be there and you decided that meant you weren’t invited. (So did you just not show up?)

No, within the conversation it was clear that I was not invited

"Tell me; have you bad-mouthed their dad to them? Or, honestly, do you expect them to hate him for what he did to you? Did you make them feel guilty about a relationship with him?"

You have really hit a sore spot on that one. No I haven't. Hand on heart I did every thing that I could not to let that spill over. He truly was disinterested as a partner and as a separated / divorced partner was diabolical. He did not even want to see them. I had to force that side as well. I had to force them to many visits and used to tell them about respect and being the bigger person. I can honestly say that I have not. As adults they have come to me and told me stories of their experience with him as a w- - - ker I cannot say that I have not laughed but NO Not Guilty . He is now 70 and looks like a frail old man. More than enough time has passed for me to have long ago let go.
The DD32 has the 2 grandchildren and they are geographically close which brought the celebration to that area rather than London where she DD30 lives..

Honestly, thank you for your thoughts . I am beginning to think that the letter stating how much I love her and miss her and " the door is always open letter might be the best way. "

But you still haven't said why she has gone NC with you.

I was no contact with my mother for over a year. She drove me insane, I was full of resentment about her attitude to me and the world. I now see her regularly. We have days out. She still drives me nuts when we spend too much time together. However I have matured and have life experience to draw, ie, my own mistakes - selfish and otherwise. Consequently I am much more compassionate about my mother’s human failings. I now have a very similar relationship with my eldest. I drive her nuts. She thinks I am narcissistic, self indulgent, self obsessed. I am these things. I’m also hardworking, thoughtful of others and considerate. I am very sure my eldest and I will find a middle ground. She is currently no contact with me. I give her space and then check in, am ignored and then contacted when she needs something and then we bump along again until I do something that drives her nuts and then silence again. I live here dearly but the times she’s NC with me I quite enjoy the silence but then we’re old hands at bumping along.

The nice side of me does not want her to beat herself up if something were to happen to me and it will be too late to talk it out.

She'll be fine. But it sounds like you'd like her to feel guilty about it?

The angry side of me wants to forbid her to my funeral ( if I'm not worth it in life etc. . .) and also to cut her from my will !

Sounds lovely. My parents did the same. And took great delight in telling me.

Nasty I know and goes against my nature.

Yes, you sound lovely.

That said , even though they are grown , as adults they must already know that actions have consequences. She also knows how much this is hurting me and I thought I showed her better than that .

Yes, they are adults, not children, and are fully aware of consequences. They are not naughty children who need punishing for not doing as they are told.

I have never ever seen anyone on here suggest NC from an argument.

I have seen suggestions for NC from ongoing abuse.

I myself went NC with both parents, and it took me YEARS to come to terms with making that decision. There were VERY good reasons.

Reasons which I explained to them, and they reacted by calling me mentally unstable, spreading lies about me, and constantly contacting me ever since even though I asked them not to.

I can guess they go on forums to say how their awful adult daughter won't talk to them, and how I've been easily led by someone suggesting NC for a one off incident, and how I've always been 'difficult' and how they thought they raised me better than that

The relationship is complex and typified by my either ignoring or forgiving her poor manners or outright rudeness over the years.

So, no poor manners or rudeness from your side to forgive then?

@peekyboo "If your daughter has given you a reason for NC, then that is the reason! "
Sort of. I will try to be brief. So this is about DD32
I moved away to retirement near the sea about 3 years ago. I knew no-one but then befriended a Romanian neighbour and became very close to the Mum ( she was then aged about 27) and her 3 children. So close that I saw them virtually every day and took the two oldest on days out etc. They had a different way of going and despite living within 3 minutes of the beach and two play parks kept the kiddies in their pyjamas all day and never did anything with them. I tried to exhibit to them a different way of being. I truly became very fond of the Mum and loved the children.She also was fond of me. Her own Mum was not only in Romania but was disinterested. She ( foolishly) became pregnant with the 4th and I did my best to support her. They decided as a family to go to Romania to sort out some paperwork because they were frightened of Brexit. I joined them over there for the middle week .I returned back and sorted out their flat for them. Short story the paperwork took much longer than anticipated and the Mum needed help to fly back before baby's due date necessitating leaving the 4 year old and partner behind in Romania. They needed money and i lent it to them. All ended quite well but I ended up being her only support here when baby was born and we became even closer.
Then shortly after they all were safely back they moved house and had a house warming party . I had too much to drink and Mum and I decided I should stay over. During the night the partner (Aged approx. 68 and wildly unattractive by the way toothless, worthless and skinny - she was about 29 at that time ) launched a quite serious sexual assault on me twice !
It destroyed the friendship and in the course of conversation I told my children who " forbade" me to have anything to do with that family.

So it was,, until a couple of months ago when the Mum contacted me because she had to have her partner removed from the house for physical violence and asked me to to stay over with her.

Back to my DD32 reason was that she did not trust me not to have my GD8 mixing with that family. Because the timing is coincidental with the disagreement with DD30. it just did not ring true . By the way I am still not in further contact with the problematic family.
Phew !!

TBH no child goes NC with their parents for no reason. its just so hard, so sad and so difficult that one doesnt just wake up and decide it. its usually bubbled up over a long period of problems that the parent ignores, neglects, minimises, denies, or glosses over. The child sees no other way. It is not normal and it happens after reaching such a point in the relationship, it becomes the only way they see to stop their suffering from the relation.

There is so much more from her side. Please consider counselling for yourself to try and process why she is NC with a professional, and meanwhile give her space.

This thread is so difficult to follow. What's the actual reason?!

I know that you mostly are thinking that I am and have been a horrible parent. It really is not the case. But I do accept all criticisms and am using them as food for thought . Still not posted the source of the
" argument" in question but will try to do so shortly.
@EggysMom
"So, no poor manners or rudeness from your side to forgive then?"

Telling the truth. Not really . I used to " strop " .By the time they were teenagers , sometimes, I was doing two to three jobs to keep a roof over their heads and I have asked them to hoover through or hang washing out and would come home at 10 or 11 at night to find nothing done I would read the riot act. But on balance I honestly believe I was firm but fair.

But that said obviously my youngest thinks that I have done something rude and unforgivable in this instance.

By the way they are good upstanding citizens now and hoover their own homes into oblivian !

okay, this sounds very....detailed.

I think your idea of sending a letter saying "door is always open" is fine and not intrusive, but after you send it, do stop there.

I do think it must be very hard if your DC choose to have a relationship with someone who was violent towards to you.

re the "if something happens to you" - some people will get over it, others won't. I don't regret how things were with my dad at all. My sister did regret it a bit when he died, but got over it quickly. It might have been one of those "unreal" things that happens in the stress of a death actually, perhaps not a real regret, even if momentary.

barring anyone from your funeral or will sounds incredibly petty though. If they have outright harmed you - like your exH - that's different.

oh cross post

sorry, I thought the other family thing was the inciting incident.

I think you're rather too keen to eke out the reason for the argument. Either it's totally exonerating of your daughter or you're telling a big tall tale.