How hard should I try to contact a grown up child who has gone NC ?

[LeebieAnn]

My youngest daughter ( aged 30) hand she whilst not completely NC has as gone full NC. Blocked me on all forms of communication. Not sure about email but got no response to one that I sent) so snail mail is now my only hope. Worst of all she dragged her sister(32) into the
" argument" and she has changed from phoning me virtually every day for a chat to arguing and refusing to let her DD ( 8) to come visit as previously planned. I live approx two hours away from either.
I reached out to the younger one by email but got no response. Phone calls and texts go unanswered.
This all started a month ago and I cried and was really upset virtually every day and it interfered with my normal activities. Now I am finding that my heart is hardening into anger.
Shall I just accept it ?
From reading previous posts over the months, it would appear that Mumsnet appears to advise that a position of NC with a parent is a correct and righteous step to take with an elderly parent that has annoyed you.

WTF op this is one of the most crazy threads I have read. You are ridiculous, hard work and need to drop the "old lady" act.

I reckon you are 65 max, with all your marbles and manipulating the fuck out of everyone around you. They've started talking to each other and realised what you are like. Now they're calling you out on it and you don't like it.

@IrisAtwood
Why do you have to be so downright nasty?

I don't believe the OP would come on here and open herself up like this is she wasn't genuinely wanting to understand and resolve the issues. She doesn't deserve to be pilloried.

For those who are NC with your mothers, wouldn't you be happy if your mothers were trying to understand the issues, and even asking others to help them understand and resolve it?

Op what immediately jumped out at me was that you brought your four children up with a violent man and do not appear to have any insight into how this can affect personality in adulthood. It looks like you didn't leave until the eldest was 12, having three more children within a violent relationship. Good on you for leaving when your youngest was five but I do wonder the damage caused in these years.
I have a tricky relationship and little contact with my mother although actually love her dearly. The reason for this is that she played all us siblings off against each other, telling us things about the others, even playing of Grandchildren against each other. It destroyed the relationships between the children which suited her as she remained queen bee. One day I just thought I can still love someone but I don't need to put myself through sadness by seeing them.
Another thought I had was that if your daughter wanted the damn dog, why on earth wasn't she collecting it? Why were you having to make such a long and complicated journey? Your children sound very immature and you all sound as if your personalities are slightly disordered. Maybe going LC would help everyone?

Gigglinghysterically
No, I wouldn't be happy. Because for some people 'understanding' your issues are just another way of garnering attention and trying to manipulate people. OP is on here looking for sympathy, and its very obvious from her posts she take no responsibility for her actions and just wants to play the frail old woman card.

@Gigglinghysterically your posts just show your naivety around the subject. Not a bad thing, you’re lucky not to recognize it.

Can I ask if your family have raised concerns with you about drinking?

For those who are NC with your mothers, wouldn't you be happy if your mothers were trying to understand the issues, and even asking others to help them understand and resolve it?

No because I know that she'd only be trying to understand it from a 'why is she like this and how to I get her to change and woe is me' perspective rather than looking at anything about herself which she needs to address.

For those who are NC with your mothers, wouldn't you be happy if your mothers were trying to understand the issues, and even asking others to help them understand and resolve it

Absolutely not. For those of us with difficult relationships with our mothers we recognise the "asking" others as a manipulative attempt to seek validation and support.

The OP needs to apologise. If she can't do that then writing is a waste of everyone's time and certainly another, if not the final, nail in the coffin

For the love of everything sane in the world I cannot even read past the fourth page.... OP you are a textbook narcissistic there is absolutely no way around that. You've dragged this post out like some box office drama leaving cliffhangers that I almost expected to end with "tune in next week" very very self absorbed, manipulative and I'm sorry to say the poor abandoned gran with short mortality act does not wash. You're fooling no one but your own ego. I can imagine your daughters find you incredibly draining! Even the story of the Romanian family, it just reeks of ego massaging and doing good as a big show for people to demonstrate you're doing good rather than for genuine reasons.

My advice is for you to leave your daughters alone to get on with their lives without you for now.
Sign up to a good, recommended therapist and , hopefully, recognise how your parenting has caused this NC.
When you can take full responsibility for yourself , it may takes years, write and apologise to your daughters.
Good luck.
Full responsibility , remember .

This is all about perceptions of the truth and each person trying to deal with their perception. You can only see things from your point of view because that is all any of us have. Your efforts to be a good mother and as good person have not come across clearly to your daughters. It seems to me that between each action and reaction a great gulf has appeared. As if some genie has changed the words and actions so that they are distorted when they reach the recipient’s heart and mind.

I am a mother and grandmother and some of your posts seem to me that you have incorrect expectations of children, once they become adults. Possibly when you die, your children may not feel guilty about NC but have a great sense of relief. I don’t mean that sound cruel, but my own mother was somewhat difficult. I never had the courage to go NC. Since she died I feel that I have my life back.

To answer your original question, do not contact them, do not write a heartfelt letter and allow the, the freedom to live their own life.

What happened to the dog?

OP, no need to PM me. I can tell you here what I think.

I think you’re a manipulative narc, and your PM was another attempt at manipulation.

You’ve latched on to one poster telling you to write a letter. Because that’s what you want to do. Not what you should do.

You have no intention of going quietly because your daughter isn’t dancing to your tune and you refuse to let that happen.

You’ll write your letter anyway, so why PM me?

You got to see your grandchild so older daughter hasn’t quite broken free yet. Or maybe she wasn’t scapegoated as much as the younger one.

Time will tell if she wakes up.

@pallasathena Thank you. It is good to see that someone thinks I am taking the right view.
I am bombarded with how bad I am yet apparently I can be useful when it suits them.

@Ellisandra The Romanian family are past tense in my life. The 4th child was ill advised in my opinion just because it was a 27 year old with a 68 year old man and her youngest child was less than a year old . But that family are history now , 2 years ago, so, I could not see the relevance to DD32 which is why it did not ring true.

Honestly, getting to the Station that day was ridiculous. It was because the board was showing what I thought was the wrong platform that I checked. 4 other people were also misdirected.

You may well be right however when you say that I was wrong in not addressing my youngest daughter's accusation that she was less loved . I was dumbfounded to be truthful and so yes did go straight to her sister to ask did she see any truth in the accusation. But it was to get another person's perspective, not to bitch about it. I have not mentioned it to her since. But I will try and find a way to reassure her that she was and is loved. Giving her the dog and spending time together with him should have been one of the ways ! That did not work out as planned did it !

No. You didn’t give her the dog. So where is it?

What a relief that the burning of witches has been banned.......or has it?

@Ivanapee I only PM'd you because I felt this post had run its course and wanted to truly know in what way I have been a manipulator.
I also only posted the original question because I was not sure how hard I should try to get her to talk to me. You are so right that I was not happy to just accept it. It was tearing me up but I am more resigned to it now.
It is more than one poster who has said " write a letter" but I will think carefully before I do.
Thank you for your perceptions I certainly have some new food for thought

@Triglesoffy
The dog just thinks he had a great day out and is now safely back with me

Good grief

I felt sorry for you to begin with but what a convoluted thread.

You have to leave them alone and hope maybe your older children will help you mend the rift.

Where did he wee?

Please remember that you are very much at fault here . And it's your version of events that's led me to believe it
You have to accept that and atone for it if you want a relationship with your daughters.
But I'm beginning to think that you are incapable of doing this

The letter. How about the letter just says something along the lines of " sorry for all the confusion I caused and that it did not work out well that day would you like to try again some weekend ? "
The minor problem is that we were ( on advice) going to transition the dog slowly over a couple of visits but I don't want to push my luck with that. I wont have enough money to pay for the train again for at least 3 weeks now anyway unless she offers to pay I suppose.
That idea sounds good to me but I have been wrong before !

@Triglesoffy He was actually very good. I took a roll of kitchen roll with me in case he wee'd on the train nut he didn't. He actually slept for half the time. It is only two hours to KingsX

Thanks to the PP who responded about whether they would want their NC mothers to ask for advice on here.

I have a challenging relationship with my DM who I'm in contact with now but who once went NC with me for 6 years. My DSis went NC with her about 15 years ago (I do think that was for no good reason).

I am glad I am in contact with her again (even though it makes my life a bit harder now). I know if she died and we were still NC I would have found that situation too difficult to deal with. OP referring to that resonated with me.
I try to be forgiving because I know that my DM had an abusive background (SA and EA) and not everyone is equipped to deal with it. Counselling after a serious suicide attempt made her feel worse. I suppose I am just extremely family-orientated and trying to embrace forgiveness as part of my spirituality.