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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Worried about my sister - her DP trying to get her to have abortion

270 replies

iwouldgoouttonight · 20/07/2007 15:39

I've just had a call from my sister, in tears, telling me how she's recently discovered she's about 2 months pregnant. Her and her DP are, on the face of it, in an ideal situation to start a family - been together a while, just got engaged, comfortably off, big house together, etc, etc. But her DP has been married before and already has children and absolutely doesn't want any more. He has various reasons, e.g. he's a bit older and doesn't want to go back to the sleepless nights, not being able to go out so much, less money, etc and also has issues with his ex wife trying to get more maintenance out of him.

My sister really really wants children of her own (rather than just helping to look after his at weekends) and this has been an issue with them for a while.

They've got an appointment at an abortion clinic this afternoon and I'm worried he'll talk her into agreeing to an abortion even though its not what she really wants. She's terrified of him leaving her if she keeps the baby, but I said if he's the kind of person who would leave her for that he's not worth being with anyway.

I've had an abortion and I know its not the kind of thing to enter into if you're not 100% sure - I knew I was too young, couldn't offer a baby a stable home, not in a good relationship with partner at the time, etc and I still had problems dealing with it afterwards and have been through several counselling sessions to help me with the decision I made. I just don't want her to have the abortion knowing that she really wanted the baby and then have to live with that afterwards.

I know there's nothing I can do now - they're probably at the appointment now - I've said most of what I've written here to her on the phone so she went off having decided to keep the baby and confront her DP. I just hope he doesn't talk her out of it by threatening to leave her. Not sure what anyone else can say - I just wanted to get it off my chest really.

OP posts:
LilRedWG · 20/07/2007 15:40

No advice, jsut wanted to know that I listened. You are right - if DP says he will leave her then he's not worth having.

TheMuppetMuggle · 20/07/2007 15:42

Thinking of your sister, but you are right hes not worth being with if he's willing to leave over this and if your sis really wants children maybe he's not the best person to be with, even if he is a lovely man.

LucyJones · 20/07/2007 15:44

Tricky one.
Why on earth is she engaged to him if he doesn't want children when she quite clearly does?

harpsichordcuddler · 20/07/2007 15:44

god how awful for you and for her.
he isn't a lovely man though is he? otherwise why are they at an abortion clinic if she wants children of her own?

iwouldgoouttonight · 20/07/2007 15:48

Thanks for listening. Its difficult to get her to realise he's not worth having if he threatens to leave her over this - she's so worried about bringing up the child on her own. He is a lovely man in all other ways and I don't really believe he would leave her, I think he must have said it in shock - and once they actually had the baby I'm sure he would fall in love with it - he's great with my DS and his own kids, which is what my sister finds so frustrating.

I just hope so much she doesn't agree to the abortion because she's scared of a baby spoiling their relationship.

OP posts:
lulumama · 20/07/2007 15:50

to echo everyone else

why is she with him ,and why is she organising a termination, if she wants children?

IMO, it would be a dealbreaker

it is not like you can compromise on this..you either have children or you don;t

iwouldgoouttonight · 20/07/2007 15:58

When they announced their engagement I presumed they must have resolved their issues about having children - he has been so keen on spending time with me DS I thought he must be happy to have children with my sister. But it appears not - she just told me she loves him so much and she couldn't think about leaving him, trying to find somewhere to live, and having to go back to the world of dating and trying to find someone who did want children. I really sympathise with her because it must be awful to leave someone if you really love them. But on the other hand she is only 30 and she wouldn't have any trouble finding anyone else.

She has been feeling quite broody for a couple of years so I'm sure it wasn't her decision to make an appt at the abortion clinic.

OP posts:
eleusis · 20/07/2007 16:06

I don't think that if she aborts this child she will ever get over it. And I think she will always resent him. In short, I think aborting this chld will tear them apart anyway.

I think he is being very selfish.

iwouldgoouttonight · 20/07/2007 16:07

Eleusis, thats what I think - how can she live with him knowing he made her do that.

OP posts:
ZZMum · 20/07/2007 16:18

Why is he being selfish if he has already said clearly he does not want any more children?

Horrible place for your sister to be in but I do wonder why got engaged to a man who does not want what she wants.. I hope she does not think she can change him... that way lies heartache...

skidoodle · 20/07/2007 16:24

He is being selfish by threatening to leave his pregnant fiancée if she refuses to have an abortion.

You can clearly say whatever you want but if you have sex with a woman you are engaged to and she gets pregnant accidentally you should not try to convince her to have an abortion if that is not what she really wants to do.

Also I personally feel that anyone who already has kids who wants to deny their new partner the chance to have kids of their own because it's too much hassle is a selfish w@nker(ess)

I feel really sorry for her. I hope she doesn't go through an abortion she doesn't want, it could really damage her.

theman · 20/07/2007 16:34

"Also I personally feel that anyone who already has kids who wants to deny their new partner the chance to have kids of their own because it's too much hassle is a selfish w@nker(ess)"

see now i'd think that anyone who goes out with someone who has let it be known they don't want kids, in the hope of persuading them,changing their mind or just getting pregnant anyway is fooling themselves.

allgonebellyup · 20/07/2007 16:38

Surely they should have discussed this issue and got it all sorted before they got engaged?
how can you map out a future with a man if you desperately want children and he desperately doesnt??? Surely that would've spelt the end anyway?

skidoodle · 20/07/2007 16:39

theman, yes i agree with that too.

Sparks · 20/07/2007 16:46

Sure, she was kidding herself. Sure, the man is being a selfish w*nker.

Even so, I feel sorry for her -- at the clinic right now having an abortion she does not want. Either that or waiting for her finance to leave her.

Sparks · 20/07/2007 16:46

oops, fiance not finance

theman · 20/07/2007 16:50

i don't want it to seem i don't feel sorry for her, i'd imagine an abortion is terrible.i just think either the two of them or one of them (either him alluding he might change one day or her thinking she could change him) have been very stupid and a terrible ending was inevitable.lets be honest the only outcomes possible where they never have children she resents him,she gets pregnant has an abortion and resents him or she gets pregnant and has the child he didn't want he ends up resenting both her and the child.

isheisnthe · 20/07/2007 16:51

My exp did exactly this with me - I told him to piss off and we ended up having two children together - all though we are now splitting up have never regretted my stance on it. Your sister should just tell him to put up or shut up. It her baby, her body, her decision.

luckylady74 · 20/07/2007 16:55

my friends were in a similar situation - except he never suggested a termination - was just deeply unhappy that she was had not given him the choice of being a parent again - they split up when the baby was 6 months old-i think she was angry because he didn't want the baby in the first place, not because of how he is with her now and he has her 2 days a week. everyone feels crap - the step children included - i don't think someone's feelings about not having children should be ignored - discussed away from the abortion clinic would be a better plan imo.

OrmIrian · 20/07/2007 17:06

Hang on. Why is he being selfish? Any more than she is? I have every sympathy with your sister as I think abortion must be a horrific prospect for anyone who doesn't want it, but I don't think unwilling parenthood is exactly a barrel of laughs either. She might well resent him forever for forcing her into an abortion but it might just as well work the other way if she forces him to have another child. He has children - perhaps he doesn't want to compromise his relationship with his existing DCs.

Sparks · 20/07/2007 17:20

He is being selfish by coercing her to have an abortion.

Is that more selfish than "forcing" him to have a child? I don't know.

But I will bet money that she didn't "force" him to have sex with her. And we all know that sex can result in pregnancy.

I think theman is right that it was bound to end terribly, one way or another. They were both kidding themselves.

macdoodle · 20/07/2007 18:19

Hmm not so easy from both sides - is it worse for him to "force" her to have an abortion, than it is for her to "force" him to have a child...TBh cannot understand people who get pregnany by accident !!!

HorribleHorace · 20/07/2007 18:21

what an awful situation. I feel sympathy for both of them.

It is really horrible for your sister to have to go through an abortion but at the same time I feel very sorry for her partner who has never been dis honest and has quite clearly stated he didn't want more children.

I agree that forced parenthood is just as bad as being forced into a termination.

I feel that if she does have the termination it may be for the best if they split. She can have more children with a different partner, hopefully, but if she goes ahead with the pregnancy her partner will have a child he never wanted, for the rest of his life.

skidoodle · 20/07/2007 18:28

I think that the justification that you already have kids (and the bizarre and illogical corollary that you don't want to 'compromise' your relationship with them) is about the most selfish and repugnant reasons possible for trying to pressurise a woman into having an abortion. It's so self-serving and fails entirely to treat the person who wants the baby growing inside them with love.

cazee · 20/07/2007 18:32

skidoodle, at least we agree on something