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Original poster

Worried about my sister - her DP trying to get her to have abortion

270 replies

iwouldgoouttonight · 20/07/2007 15:39

I've just had a call from my sister, in tears, telling me how she's recently discovered she's about 2 months pregnant. Her and her DP are, on the face of it, in an ideal situation to start a family - been together a while, just got engaged, comfortably off, big house together, etc, etc. But her DP has been married before and already has children and absolutely doesn't want any more. He has various reasons, e.g. he's a bit older and doesn't want to go back to the sleepless nights, not being able to go out so much, less money, etc and also has issues with his ex wife trying to get more maintenance out of him.

My sister really really wants children of her own (rather than just helping to look after his at weekends) and this has been an issue with them for a while.

They've got an appointment at an abortion clinic this afternoon and I'm worried he'll talk her into agreeing to an abortion even though its not what she really wants. She's terrified of him leaving her if she keeps the baby, but I said if he's the kind of person who would leave her for that he's not worth being with anyway.

I've had an abortion and I know its not the kind of thing to enter into if you're not 100% sure - I knew I was too young, couldn't offer a baby a stable home, not in a good relationship with partner at the time, etc and I still had problems dealing with it afterwards and have been through several counselling sessions to help me with the decision I made. I just don't want her to have the abortion knowing that she really wanted the baby and then have to live with that afterwards.

I know there's nothing I can do now - they're probably at the appointment now - I've said most of what I've written here to her on the phone so she went off having decided to keep the baby and confront her DP. I just hope he doesn't talk her out of it by threatening to leave her. Not sure what anyone else can say - I just wanted to get it off my chest really.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 10/09/2007 14:48

Emotionally abusive relationship that she is in aside, there has got to be some core level of, 'This is MY body and I don't want this.'

She can't go through with adoption? Does she have any idea what abortion that late in the game entails?

Honestly, hats off to you, because if it were my sister, it would be game over.

Original poster
iwouldgoouttonight · 10/09/2007 15:04

I'm just wondering - do you think I should ring up the abortion clinic? I know its confidential and they won't be able able to talk about any patients but maybe if I gave them my sister's name and asked them to really question her about whether she's 100% sure as her DP is pushing her into it?

I've just read what an 18 week termination involves and now I'm in bits!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 10/09/2007 15:07

I think that would be a very bad idea.

sazzybee · 10/09/2007 15:15

I was in a really similar situation several years' ago (in a relationship with a divorced man with 2 kids) when I got pregnant accidentally through contraceptive failure. Like your sister, I did really want to have a baby and was convinced that if it came to it, my DP would change his mind about not wanting any more kids. But he didn't and he coerced me into having a termination which I didn't want to have. He told me our relationship would be over and he wouldn't give me any financial support bar the bare minimum and would have nothing to do with the child. In the end, I couldn't bear the idea of having to explain to my child why their daddy didn't love them as much as their brothers so I went through with the termination.

I never forgave him for it though so we split up anyway. I would be very surprised if their relationship survives this - particularly as it's so late.

Original poster
iwouldgoouttonight · 10/09/2007 15:19

Sazzybee, I think thats how my sister feels, she doesn't want the have a child who's father doesn't want it. But I agree - I don't think their relationship will survive either way. Apparently a private late abortion costs £1300!! And they're talking about not being able to afford a baby!

OP posts:
mytwopenceworth · 10/09/2007 15:20

No. That would be a very very bad idea.

I would ask her a few questions though.

  1. How will she feel if they DO try for a baby and she never becomes pregnant again? Will he agree to IVF at £3000 a go?

  2. What if she has the abortion and he hotfoots it to bupa for the snip?

  3. In 12 months time, when she is still childless, how will she feel?

  4. In 5 years, still no child. How much will she love her other half?

  5. What if she has the abortion and resents him so much that she can't bear to look at him and they split anyway?

expatinscotland · 10/09/2007 15:23

If my daughter takes up with any twunt like this he'd better watch out, is all I can say.

Original poster
iwouldgoouttonight · 10/09/2007 15:27

Thanks - I won't ring them - I was just clutching at straws because I'm at a loss at what to do. I've already asked her all those questions and she admits she'll be devastated if she doesn't have a baby or if one of her friends announces she is pregnant, etc.

I'm going to have to stop thinking about it, its her life, I wish she'd never told me about it and asked for my advice. I'm going spend the rest of the day with my lovely DP and beautiful DS and be thankful for how very very lucky I am.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 10/09/2007 15:30

Poor baby. Just floating along in there, no cares in the world.

tribpot · 10/09/2007 16:30

She's about to make the biggest mistake of her life.

Tragically there's nothing any of us can do, IWGOT, you're right to let this go. It's her decision.

OrmIrian · 10/09/2007 16:32

So sad for her. I'm so sorry.

LoveMyGirls · 10/09/2007 16:53

I'll apologise now for this post. I realise my own views cloud this issue (i got pg at 16 with no monday and my dd1 is now 8 and im so proud of the fact I kept her despite the hard times she is worth it)

I think if pushed (ie my sister asked me for help and i knew she didnt really want to do it) i would email her with pics and a link to the page you read about how it's done etc - I know this seems like a heartless horrible thing to do BUT it's nowhere near as bad as her actually going through with it and then being faced with the terrible reality of the situation once it is too late! If she is horrified by the pics and info then she will find the strength to tell him to f* off! (hopefully and if she doesnt well then you tried your best, if she was my sister and she still did it knowing all that then i think i would tell her i wouldn't be there to help pick up the pieces and that she would have to rely on her bastard dp for help and support)

At this late stage and considering they can afford it I wouldn't support her, abortion has it place in extreme circumstances (medical, rape etc) - but in this case it is not extreme this is inconvienient and selfish of him - and her IF she does go ahead with it)

I really feel for you IWGOT it's a horrible position for you to be put in.

piggysgal · 10/09/2007 17:18

The more I think about it, the more I agree with ExpatinScotland. Your sister is a spineless idiot who doesn't deserve a child. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but that's the way I see it. Dh and I have taken five years to get pregnant, subjecting ourselves to every humiliating intervention under the sun and spending well over £30k on treatment. The pair of them are so blessed, and they don't even realise it.

Poor tiny little baby, unwanted and unloved. I would give anything to have him or her.

You are a kind and loving sister, but as you say, you need to step back now. There's only so much you can do.

Original poster
iwouldgoouttonight · 10/09/2007 17:19

Thanks Ilovemygirls and no need to apologise as I think they're being totally selfish myself now. I have told her what the baby is like and that it can recognise her voice, she might feel it kick, etc and I have reminded her that some babies are born and go on to lead healthy lives at only a few weeks after 18 weeks. She knows all that, thats why I can't get my head around why she still is letting herself be talked into it. Each time I talk to her she tells me how much she wants it and goes home feeling confident in her abilities as a mother, whether or not she is a lone parent. But then after being with her DP again she comes back saying they can't afford it and all that crap. I've no idea what he's saying to her. I know its emotional blackmail, and I'm now worried its some kind of abuse as I can't believe she would really go through with a termination after she has told me how much she wants a baby. I can't believe he'd physically hurt her, but he said him and his ex had physical fights so maybe he's capable of it. To meet him he's the most gentle and generous person you could imagine, just shows you don't always know what people are really like.

OP posts:
pooka · 10/09/2007 17:24

God this is awful. I can't bear thinking about it - 18 weeks!
I hope that she loses the arse of a boyfriend and sorts herself out. I too would be scared that not being entirely sure, and taking into account the fact she has a scan picture and has seen the little one, that this is going to be somtehing she regrets for ever.

madamez · 10/09/2007 17:27

This is a ghastly business. Sympathies to you IWGOT, it must be very hard but you probably do need to step bak alittle if you can. You sister is clearlya weaklin g but there'sonly so much propping up you cando.

KD73 · 10/09/2007 17:31

What a horrible situation, but lets hope that she is able to live with the situation, her relationship survives and that she is given the option to have children again.....

If not........ the future is going to be awful bleak

pooka · 10/09/2007 17:33

Also, what are her plans in terms of telling her partner's kids (did I read right that they know). Her partner's ex. Everyone who is aware that she is pregnant. Seems like a hell of a lie to maintain if she isn't honest, and yet the kids would surely be upset about it???

joopie · 10/09/2007 17:43

i had a termination a few years ago at 7 weeks (i took the tablets) and it destroyed me emotionally, the baby was only the size of a grain of rice and it didn't really feel like like i was getting rid of baby at the time.

i got over the abortion when i became pregnant again, im now 18 weeks pregnant and i can feel it moving and im showing and if i got rid of it at this late stage i can't imagine the emotional effect it would have on me, especially as it would probably be a d&c procedure which is A LOT more invasive than taking a tablet and can have an effect on fertility.
does your sister really realise how this will effect her emotionly? i can guarantee if she goes ahead with it she will not be able to look at babies without thinking about her lost baby and what she did. luckily for me i was with a partner who i knew wanted children sometime in the future so i knew i would have the family i wanted, your sister doesn't have this comfort and i doubt this man will really agree to a baby in a few years time.

i really hope you can get her to change her mind.

kualalump · 10/09/2007 17:52

I was in a similar situation and it was the hardest decision I have ever made. We were engaged, the baby was planned but then he changed his mind. We went from 8 weeks pregnant to 18 weeks pregnant with him changing his mind frequently, about the baby and about me. It was hell. Having a child on my own was something I really didn't want to comtemplate but I couldn't go through with a termination at that late date (I don't think I could go through with it at any date) so I had the baby. It has been hard. Those of us with happily married parents expect our own families to be the same. I will be surprised if their relationship survives this. The discarded baby will be like a ghost hanging in the air between them. I feel so sorry for her though. We almost drift into these awful situations but it is so hard to make that decision, either way. I think men who ask women to make these decisions are very selfish and uncaring.

LoveMyGirls · 10/09/2007 18:11

This seems like a mad idea but can you go with her? so she has him and you then if he's tugging her to go one way you can support her keeping baby and in the end it will be her choice? She is less likely to go through with it if you are there to support her, otherwise he can say stuff like, see I am here with you, I wont be with you if you have the baby, your family say they will but where are they now etc?

LoveMyGirls · 10/09/2007 18:19

What about a quiet word in his ear? Not that I would want to speak to him but if it meant he stopped pressuring her then maybe it could work?!

catsmother · 10/09/2007 18:54

This isn't a man, it's a monster. How can he use the existence of his children to justify the "riddance" of another ? Or, similarly, the fact they might have to move to a house "only" worth £300k - oh, the shame of it !

I'm all for pro-choice (though personally have my own thoughts on the subject of abortion as all women do) but this is emotional blackmail of the very worst kind. He's being sadistic by forcing her to do this when money isn't a worry, when his children seemingly aren't aghast at the prospect (despite his earlier cowardly assertions) and, when all's said and done, if keeping up with the Jones's was the be all and end all, she could, rather than abort an 18 week old baby, actually go back to her well paid job once it arrived. So okay, ideally she might not want to do that ...... but I'd know what I'd do if it was a choice between that, and getting rid.

I'm afraid I also have to agree with the others who've also criticised your sister. Undoubtedly she's in an appalling situation here but she has to accept some of the responsibility for this. If she desperately wants a child and is in a good job, then having an abortion can only be down to appeasing this "man", because, as everyone knows, there are alternatives, like being a single mum (okay, not ideal, not easy, but not impossible - and adoption). He's a shit and yet she's prepared to do this huge awful thing for fear of losing him - that's what I don't understand.

This "we'll try for a baby in the future" is absolute bollocks. He's already stated he doesn't want any more children - you can bet that there'll never be a "right" time in the future, and, in any case, would she ever be able to forgive him for this ? What if for some reason she can't conceive again ? ...... there are so many ifs and buts to this.

I can't believe how utterly selfish and cruel he's being.

expatinscotland · 10/09/2007 18:57

Yeah, and to his own kid? I mean, who'd want to stay with a person who's capable of such cruelty to his own child? Think you'll fare any better? Ha.

I went out with a guy who told me about how he bulldozed his girlfriend into having an abortion when she was 13 weeks along because 'the timing wasn't right'. I never dumped someone so fast. If the timing's now right hten maybe he should have thought about getting the snip or not having sex?

Wanker.

Not worth the waste of space he was.

madamez · 10/09/2007 20:04

While I would say that some men probably don't understand quite how a woman feels about a pregnancy, or how harrowing a late abortion can be, this particular man does sound dreadful. I bet he's been controlling and psychologically abusing the OP's sister for years.

While I still maintain that it doesn't actually make one a bad person to want a comfortable hedonistic lifestyle rather than parenthood, if that's what you want it's your responsiblity to make sure no unplanned pregnancies occur. Equally, it doesn't make you bad to want children, but if you have a partner who doesn't, then you need to make up your mind whether you care more about this partner or about children and act accordingly (leave the partner and look for a child-friendly one, or accept a child-free life).
But getting pregnant 'accidentally' is never a good idea. It's as immoral as telling a woman that you're sterilized when you're not.