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Original poster

Worried about my sister - her DP trying to get her to have abortion

270 replies

iwouldgoouttonight · 20/07/2007 15:39

I've just had a call from my sister, in tears, telling me how she's recently discovered she's about 2 months pregnant. Her and her DP are, on the face of it, in an ideal situation to start a family - been together a while, just got engaged, comfortably off, big house together, etc, etc. But her DP has been married before and already has children and absolutely doesn't want any more. He has various reasons, e.g. he's a bit older and doesn't want to go back to the sleepless nights, not being able to go out so much, less money, etc and also has issues with his ex wife trying to get more maintenance out of him.

My sister really really wants children of her own (rather than just helping to look after his at weekends) and this has been an issue with them for a while.

They've got an appointment at an abortion clinic this afternoon and I'm worried he'll talk her into agreeing to an abortion even though its not what she really wants. She's terrified of him leaving her if she keeps the baby, but I said if he's the kind of person who would leave her for that he's not worth being with anyway.

I've had an abortion and I know its not the kind of thing to enter into if you're not 100% sure - I knew I was too young, couldn't offer a baby a stable home, not in a good relationship with partner at the time, etc and I still had problems dealing with it afterwards and have been through several counselling sessions to help me with the decision I made. I just don't want her to have the abortion knowing that she really wanted the baby and then have to live with that afterwards.

I know there's nothing I can do now - they're probably at the appointment now - I've said most of what I've written here to her on the phone so she went off having decided to keep the baby and confront her DP. I just hope he doesn't talk her out of it by threatening to leave her. Not sure what anyone else can say - I just wanted to get it off my chest really.

OP posts:
eleusis · 23/07/2007 15:10

Actually, he probably will have to give up a lot of those things.

He is in denial as to what his choices are. He seems to be thinking that it's between being a father again and not being a father again. But, really, his choice is being a parent together with your sister or being a astranged single dad whose child perhaps might have a more involved step dad. It won't get him out of child support (some 15% or so of his gross income). And if he want to pick the kid up for the weekend, he's right, it might not fit safely in his sports car.

This reminds me of 9 months (w/Hugh Grant).

Original poster
iwouldgoouttonight · 23/07/2007 15:34

A lot of the issues are because he already has two kids from a previous marriage and pays a lot of maintenance to them and his ex-wife.

It turns out both of them were accidental pregnancies so it does seem he's the sort of person who thinks contraception is only a woman's responsibility! I think he quite likes his current situation because he sees quite a lot of his kids but can still live the life of a person without children the rest of the time. Makes me wonder whether he split with his ex wife for similar reasons.

Sorry I sound as though I'm really slagging him off now - I don't mean to, he's a nice man, they've just both got themselves into a very difficult situation. She daren't read any pregnancy books in case he sees them and kicks off again - so I'm telling her what she should and shouldn't be eating, etc!

OP posts:
meemar · 23/07/2007 15:38

I feel really sad for your sister. Whatever the circumstances are, she should not be made to feel afraid of being pregnant.

Is there no-one she can go and stay with for a while?

Original poster
iwouldgoouttonight · 23/07/2007 15:45

She has got friends nearby who she could stay with - I think she wants to go home and sort things out but as the same time is afraid of him being angry again IYSWIM.

OP posts:
eleusis · 23/07/2007 15:45

Does your sister have acess to mumsnet? This might actually be a good source of support for her.

eleusis · 23/07/2007 15:47

Has she decided that she is definately going to have it (and keep it)? Or is theere a chance that he will persuade her to terminate?

Original poster
iwouldgoouttonight · 23/07/2007 15:58

I think she's 99% sure she wants to keep it, although she's so worried about everything she's not doing things like making appointment for scan, seeing midwife, etc yet which I keep telling her to do! So I suppose there is a chance he could still talk her out of it.

OP posts:
eleusis · 23/07/2007 16:02

Oh, where is she? Is she in the UK? How far along is she? HAs she missed the nuchal scan window yet?

Original poster
iwouldgoouttonight · 23/07/2007 16:08

Yes she's in the UK - she's only 10 weeks so she's not left it too late (I think I'm just comparing it to my pregnancy when I had read every book under the sun and was trying to sign up to antenatal classes by then!) It just seems as though she's almost in denial a bit. And partly I think she wants to get her DP to change his mind so they can go for the scans together (although sadly I think that's unlikely at the minute).

OP posts:
eleusis · 23/07/2007 16:59

Do you mind if I ask roughly where she is? She has only got a few weeks to get herself into the scan if she wants a nuchal scan. If she is anywhere near London, I highly recommend the Fetal Medicine Centre.

Apart from that, she should be looking at what hospital she wants to go to. At 10 weeks, many of the good ones will already be booked up. Tell her that if she doesn't like the hospital chooice she is given to just say "no" and refuse to go. And that's my unsolicited advice. Should I shut up now?

And tell her she is always welcome on mumsnet for a big group hug.

God, I sound really mushy... must get back to work.

Original poster
iwouldgoouttonight · 23/07/2007 17:02

Thanks eleusis - I think I'll suggest MN to her, might help her to get some advice other than just mine! She's in the midlands - I didn't know hospitals got booked up - I didn't have to decide on mine until a few weeks before the birth!

OP posts:
eleusis · 23/07/2007 17:08

Oh, they difinately do. I'm a bit west of west london, and had to jump many hurdles to go where I wanted. I was told I had to go to St. Peters (in Chertsey) like it or not. I got turned down by Kingston and West Middlesex when I was six weeks pregnant (I think they lied about being full). Anyway, she should look at www.birthchoice.co.uk for some nearby options, and not let herself be bullied by midwives and GPs who think she is supposed to slot into what suits them, rather than them sloting into what suits her.

kerala · 23/07/2007 17:26

But how is this going to work going forward? The pregnancy is going to become more and more of a reality as she gets bigger/sicker/the hormones kick in. How will her partner deal with this if she is already afraid to read pregnancy books in his presence? A huge risk to get preg and hope that the father who has previously been upfront about not wanting DC will come round.

What an awful situation.

eleusis · 23/07/2007 18:20

She didn't do it intentionally, Kerala.

eleusis · 23/07/2007 18:20

They are where they are and they got there together.

OrmIrian · 23/07/2007 19:00

As you say eleusis. This is how it is now and no point rehashing the whys and wherefores.

It looks to me as if she should get away, for a while at least, so she can make her decisions away from her partner. Clearly she shouldn't allow herself to be pressured into doing anything that will make her really unhappy. And it sounds to me as if he isn't going to change his mind and she is being foolish if she hangs around and puts up with all the stress and anger, on the off-chance that he does.

Just out of interest how would everyone feel is she found she was unwillingly pregnant and wanting a termination and he wanted her to keep the baby. Would she be as selfish as everyone is calling him?

meemar · 23/07/2007 19:12

OrmIrian - IMO, No he would still be the selfish one if she wanted a termination and he was trying to pressure/emotionally blackmail her into keeping a baby she didn't want.

I think whatever you feel about abortion, at the end of the day the woman carries the baby and nobody has right to try and make her do something she doesn't want to do.

macdoodle · 23/07/2007 19:13

Didn't she ??? I have been sexually active since age 15 and quite promiscuous and have only managed to get pregnant twice the first intentionally and the second "accidentally" on purpose - am always amazed by people who get pregnant by accident I reckon it is a pretty hard thing to do!!

lljkk · 23/07/2007 20:01

Diaphragms slip out of position, condoms burst... I know several women who used the Pill faithfully and fell unplanned pregnant. Especially back when nobody knew that antibiotics could mess up Pill efficacy. Another friend was conceived when her mother still had an IUD in.

IWGOT's sister admits she forgot her pill one day. Given they had been going out for ages and he knew she wanted kids, he should have at least signed himself up for vasectomy to make it clear he meant it about no DC, that would be part of the marriage contract. Otherwise you can understand her half-hoping he would change his mind.

NKF · 23/07/2007 20:17

Al this stuff about who is more and who is less selfish is beside the point now. If it doesn't work out btween them, each will think the other selfish.

The decision is hers. Legally and, I would argue morally. She could end up as a single mother with an unwilling and possibly angry ex-partner and baby father. But then again she might prefer that to a childless marriage. I think assuming that he might come round is a bad idea. He might, he might not. But to make a decision based on a possible change of heart seems unwise to me.

She should have the baby if she wants the baby. She might split up from her fiance anyway. More relationships break down than mothers are estranged from their children. If it's everlasting love you want, my money is on children not men.

macdoodle · 23/07/2007 20:42

And if thats not selfish then I don't know what is

NKF · 23/07/2007 20:44

Quite possibly. Does it matter?

macdoodle · 23/07/2007 20:48

Well no not now ...but all this anti man selfish shit type thing really annoys me - it seems as if a man has no right in deciding whether he wants to be a parent or not and it is a massive life changing long responsibility...but the woman is seen as the wonderful caring mother type person for acting in a completely selfish self centred (IMO immature) way - not neccessarily this one but this type of thing is far from uncommon and equally unfair on the man....and who would think I would be standing up for the man

NKF · 23/07/2007 20:51

It is unfair on the man. I'd agree with that. Though, I have to say, that any grown man who has sex with a childless woman in her late 30s who has already stated categorically that she wants childen would do well to be careful. There's such a thing as a fair warning.

expatinscotland · 23/07/2007 20:57

If it were my sister, I'd take her back to mine.

Then I'd go over there with friends and go and get her clothes.

Trust me, you do NOT want to have a baby with a man like this in your life.

He will not adjust financially. He doesn't want to.

He'll just make her life a misery, forever pressuring her about money, making her and the kid feel burdensome, etc.

Not worth it at all.

DTMFA.