Worried about my sister - her DP trying to get her to have abortion

[iwouldgoouttonight]

I've just had a call from my sister, in tears, telling me how she's recently discovered she's about 2 months pregnant. Her and her DP are, on the face of it, in an ideal situation to start a family - been together a while, just got engaged, comfortably off, big house together, etc, etc. But her DP has been married before and already has children and absolutely doesn't want any more. He has various reasons, e.g. he's a bit older and doesn't want to go back to the sleepless nights, not being able to go out so much, less money, etc and also has issues with his ex wife trying to get more maintenance out of him.

My sister really really wants children of her own (rather than just helping to look after his at weekends) and this has been an issue with them for a while.

They've got an appointment at an abortion clinic this afternoon and I'm worried he'll talk her into agreeing to an abortion even though its not what she really wants. She's terrified of him leaving her if she keeps the baby, but I said if he's the kind of person who would leave her for that he's not worth being with anyway.

I've had an abortion and I know its not the kind of thing to enter into if you're not 100% sure - I knew I was too young, couldn't offer a baby a stable home, not in a good relationship with partner at the time, etc and I still had problems dealing with it afterwards and have been through several counselling sessions to help me with the decision I made. I just don't want her to have the abortion knowing that she really wanted the baby and then have to live with that afterwards.

I know there's nothing I can do now - they're probably at the appointment now - I've said most of what I've written here to her on the phone so she went off having decided to keep the baby and confront her DP. I just hope he doesn't talk her out of it by threatening to leave her. Not sure what anyone else can say - I just wanted to get it off my chest really.

You know, dizietsma, where vitriol is concerned, the phrase 'pot calling kettle black' springs to mind, dear.

But as you have re-sorted to psychoanalysis of total strangers and trying to suss out what their political beliefs are instead of the topic at hand, I think I'm finished engaging you in any sort of discussion.

Why are you singling Expat out dizie, when it is quite clear that most of us feel the same?

Am so sorry to hear that IWGOT - I can't believe he messed with her head enough to make her go through with it
I have so many things I could say but think it will just make it harder for you.
I can already imagine you sitting there doing the 'what if I had done this or said that?' Even though there is no point it is understandable you doing it.
I hope your sister leaves you alone for a while to grieve - and you will grieve for your lost niece/nephew and the part of your relationship with your sister that has now died.
Love and strength be with you at this difficult time and I hope your family gets through it eventually

OK, I think maybe it's time we left this now.
I think we all feel very sorry for IWGOT and her sister, it's a very sad situation and series of events, but I think now we need to step back and let IWGOT have a bit of space- unless, of course, she wants to carry on talking things through.
Can I just say, IWGOT, I'm desperately sorry that the worst has happened, and wish you and your sister the best for the coming months and years.

I was responding to the spat, by the way.

I am, quite frankly, disgusted with the pair of them.

I think regardless, IWGOT may want this thread deleted when she next looks at MN. A new thread might be more appropriate if she would still like support going forward.

IWGOT, prayers are being said for your family.

Personally can't see how anyone could 'dump' their abused and vulnerable sister at her most needy time. Surely sometimes we should swallow our feelings for the sake of those we love? It's too late for the baby now but the OP's sister is here and needs some genuine care. The "try for a baby in 2 yrs" line is one she's obviously been fed and is feeding herself to give logic to what she and her partner have done. She's not being consciously heartless or flippant when she says they need a bigger house; she's been mentally tortured to the point that having this warped mindset (which has been forced upon her) is the only means by which she can keep hold of stability and sanity. This woman was made to have an abortion (quite obviously with fake promises). She needs her sister now more than ever.

Expat said nothing wrong and didn't come across as pro-life. Yes, maybe she seemed a little harsh but this thread has been quite harrowing to those of us who have followed it through from the beginning and not just recently read it through. Therefore the time scale is more pertinant to us as we seemed to have followed the pregnancy through.
I for one was convinced she would not abort particularly as time passed. The shock I felt today when I read of the abortion was totally unexpected (especially as i don't know the people involved personally) and I felt physically sick and also very angry.

i don't think IWGOT should cut off her sister, i know that in a few days time the "relief" the sister is feeling will fade into "oh god, what have i done". this is exactly how i felt and the sister will need someone to talk to. no one knew that i had a TOP except my OH and when i tried to talk about it he didn't want to, i would have given anything to have someone to talk to about it but i had to try and cope with what i had done on my own which was a lonely horrible place.

skinnygirl - I feel the same as you, in terms of shocked and angry. Which is bizarre, given we don't know any of the people involved. I can't imagine how IWGOT is feeling now, never mind how her sister is going to feel when she realises what she's done It just seems so wrong.

Hi again. I've decided to take a step back and just leave my sister for a while until she gets in touch with me. I'm still trying to get my head around it all - there are so many things - firstly the very late abortion, I'm so surprised the clinic actually let her go through with it, unless she convinced herself that it was what she wanted so managed to convince them.

Secondly, once it sinks in what she's done and she gets upset, I'll be wishing I'd pushed harder for her to stick up for what she wanted.

Thirdly, I'm so worried about her in this relationship - he's bullying her, and I think he has all along in a very subtle way, and she is blinded by love? fear of being alone? whatever, so she can't see it and is sticking up for him.

Fourthly, how will I deal with him when I have to see him?

Fifthly (is that a word?!) the whole issue of abortion has changed in my head. I had an abortion when I was younger, as I mentioned in my OP, and although it was in very different circumstances, and it was my choice, it was still very difficult to deal with and something I will obviously never forget. This seems to have brought the whole thing back to the front of my mind and I'm unsure how I feel about it.

Anyway, its getting late and I'm really tired, not been sleeping too well of late, so I'm going to leave this now. Might not post on this thread for a while, while I sort my feelings out. Thanks again for everyone's support - I know its such an emotive issue so its bound to bring out tensions and disagreements, but you've all been so kind to me so thank you.

IWGOT - I think your post says it all. For you, primarily, but for a lot of us who are, maybe weirdly, caught up as bystanders.

You must know - you must know - there was nothing more you could do. This was not your decision. You are not responsible for it, you did not cause it to happen, you could do nothing. This was a situation of two peoples' making, not yours.

How you deal with him - I won't even presume to comment. What is there left to be said to such a person?

Whatever we can do on MN we want to do. I cannot believe this little life was cast aside today. Nor can you. If we can do nothing else, we can help you grieve :-(

IWGOT, please try to get some counselling for how you feel. There's nothing wrong with that - it's brought up a lot of emotions in you from your past as well and it'd be nice if you could get some help to sort through this.

Please don't feel guilty! Tripot is right, there's nothing you could have done that you didn't try.

I'm so sorry for you, IWGOT, I hope you can find some closure on this or at least work through your feelings and find some peace.

tribpot.

sorry!

I am so sorry that you've been put in this position. I really don't think that there was anything else you could do to change things. You told yoursister how you felt and were put in an untenable position really.

((((((((((((((IWGOT))))))))))))))))

I agree IGWOT, there was nothing more you could have done. At the end of the day the two of them are adults and responsible for their own decisions. And with the sway this man holds over your sister, I don't think there was anything you could have done given that his mind was so completely made up. Please don't for a minute beat yourself up and think that you have the slightest responsibility here.

They have made their bed, and now they have to lie in it. You need to think of yourself now sweetie.

oh no, IWGOT, I'm so sorry it has come to this.

I think you're right to take a step back from your sister for a while as you're understandably very upset by this (as are many of us who aren't even involved, as you are).

I think LilyLivered's post was extremely touching and I hope it gave you some kind of perspective on how your sister might be feeling. From the way you're talking now, it seems you're planning to be there for her later oe when she needs you and although I can't imagine how hard that will be, I really admire you for that. Unfortunately I agree with you that she's in a really bad situation with this man and she is going to need someone.

You're a great sister. Your strength through all this time and your love for her, even when she's behaving in such an exasperating manner, have been awesome. I hope I am such a good sister as you. Please don't ever feel there was anything more you could have done. There wasn't. When it came right down to it, it was her decision and she made it.

I know you may not be back to this thread, but having been around on it since near the start I just wanted to let you know how sorry I was and that I was thinking of you.

s.

iwouldgoouttonight are you still around? I was deleting my watched threads and came across yours. How is your sister?

The baby would have been due around now. Hope that all is well in her relationship.

Thinking of you too as your relationship with your sister and her DP must have been quite awkward for a while.

Take care.