Dating thread 160: fallen in love with someone you shouldn’t have fallen in love with

[CassettesAreCool]

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

15/05/2019 19:56

@Lovemusic Mr Dog commented on your 'downstairs landscape' (in Ant's words)?!

@shitwithsugaron Ah, sorry to hear you've had a wobble but I think you did the right thing in being honest. It's not always kind to tell people what they want to hear. I'm sure when he's feeling a bit better and had a bit of time to stew he'll apologise.

I just had a message from Mr Art asking if I'm missing him...
We've only been one one date. Ok, it was 6 hours but still.
I said that I am looking forward to seeing him again and he seemed ok with that response...

How do I meet people in the real world?

Possibly sports clubs and activities.

If you can find the right ones, some park runs are notorious for producing weddings. 😂

Obviously don’t pick Pilates or yoga though. Unless you are wanting to find yourself in a room full of women most of the time.

It sounds like Mr Art might be a bit smitten, @Sunshineandflipflops.

*@shitwithsugaron that sounds a bit weird of Mr B. Mental health issues are tough but having had a long relationship with someone who blamed a number of supposed but undiagnosed mental health issues for his abusive behaviour to me, I am firmly of the view that they do not absolve someone of behaving like a t*t. My ex is probably very different to Mr B as I am pretty certain that he made up a lot of his mental health issues in order to try and control me, or make me feel bad about myself, so I am a little bit over-sensitive to any guy who uses his mental health as a way to explain any unacceptable behaviour. And I know that this is an unfair reaction from me as there are many lovely people with mental health issues.

Only you can tell whether his reaction to your comments was proportionate. I'm glad that you have said that you won't tread on eggshells around him, as I did this with my ex and it was not nice for me. I really do not react well to sarcasm, so for me a sarcastic response the next day would be a potential red flag (or maybe an amber flag!).

I've heard park runs are good and I am signed up. I'm just a bit of a rubbish runner, I must go down sometime.

I sometimes think we all need to be careful what we are classing as red flags when dating.

I think we often get caught up in red flags and what your boundaries are. I see loads say oh I've seen red flags in the first few days. But what? What are you classing as red flags?

To me red flags are behaviour issues or things that come to light, that may potentially be red flags.

Thoughts?

@shitwithsugaron I'm sure that Mr B is in no way comparable to my b*d ex but my experience has made me hyper sensitive to anyone using mental health as an excuse for twatish behaviour!

I wouldn't like to receive a sarcastic text belittling my concern for someone either, but in your shoes I would want to establish whether his mental health is the reason for the nature of the text, or whether he is inclined to send sarcastic messages as a defence mechanism. If it is the latter than I would have a very stern conversation with him about it as it would cross my boundaries. If it was due to a mental health issue I would still want to consider whether I could function in a relationship where this was always going to be a potential problem.

@shitwithsugaron I suffer from MH and my anxiety gets really bad. I often sharply reply back to someone, when I feel I'm being judged in some way. I am good at controlling it but honestly anxiety takes over.

I would say be to anyone please be kind to those suffering with MH issues the worst battle in the world is the one with your own mind.

@lifegoes I think we may all have different definitions of a red flag. For me it could be a lifestyle issue, for example having addiction/alcohol issues, or it could be the way that someone treats me. I also have things that put me off dating someone, so for example if they can't drive, don't have a job, have very different political views to me or aren't in touch with their children.

My boundaries are generally about the way that I expect to be treated, but they also extend to things that I won't do - so for example certain sexual things, dating someone who is already in a relationship, lending money.

@LilyRose88 yeah I agree with those. I wouldn't class not having a car as red flag more a requirement of what I want.

It's just interesting, I've been so badly hurt in the past, some things I see posted on here I think wow that's a red flag?!

We all have red flags individually too, I often wonder what others would see in me within 24 hours and think red flag. 😂😂

@lifegoes I hope you didn't feel that I was being unkind to people with mental health issues. I also get anxious about things and am a classic over-thinker, so I'm certainly not putting myself on some kind of superior pedestal. I had a dreadful time with an abusive man who used mental health issues as an excuse for the most appalling behaviour, when in fact I think he was actually an abusive narcissist. I know that I tend to react quickly as a result of that experience and I should really take a breath and think about how my response will be considered by others who haven't had my experience. Sorry for any offence caused.

@Lifegoes I see 'red flags' as potential warning signs of danger.
Things like not having a car (Mr Art), not having kids (Mr Art), being younger (Mr Art) and living with parents (oh, Mr Art) are all things I thought I would steer clear of when dating someone. They maybe aren't ideal things and could lead to things not going very far but I wouldn't say they are bad enough to be 'red flags'. That for me would be more about behaviour.

@shitwithsugaron That message would make me feel sick to my stomach. Whether he did it deliberately or not, to me that's tantamount to mind games trying to unsettle how secure you feel within the relationship and a shitty thing to say. I'd be having a very honest conversation telling him exactly how it's made you feel, regardless of whether or not that was his intention . We all have to be able to have "agree to disagree" discussions within a relationship without the other party implying they might finish things because of it FFS. Mind you I am the Queen of Overthinkers - others may have a different opinion.

Oh no I didn't think anyone was being unkind @LilyRose88 at all. I've never read an unkind word on here unless it was from that VMan.

Anyone who uses MH as a lie/excuse for bad behaviour needs to be assessed for MH anyway. As that's appalling.

@shitwithsugaron it's so hard to explain, I wish I could. Anxiety can get to a point where you only see the bad in things and then you overthink the smallest detail.

So example, a person on the other side of the road walks along and looks at you.

A person with anxiety may think: why have they looked at me, what's wrong with me. If it's someone they know Oh my god, why didn't they speak. It's probably because of this and think bad of me. Over thinks this for hours until they find a "rational" reason of why they looked over

A person without anxiety: walks on.

I find I read texts the wrong way, I've seen me ask someone for their opinion and then feel they are critiquing me (personally) so it becomes hurtful. And I cry that they think so bad of me.

My advice would be maybe saying to him, if I ever text anything you don't like or feel it was hurtful. Just pick up the phone and call me, because chances are you never meant it the way HE has taken it.

But what I would also say is, it's gets easier the more you know someone with anxiety. All my family and friends know my triggers so will explain something to me or call.
Make sure he is getting help and if he's not, then tell him he must.

Absolutely agree with you @Sunshineandflipflops it's just a minefield isn't it. Red flags to pass, requirements to pass, boundaries to pass and then they might be shit in bed 😂😂😂😂😂

Weird date. I am in the pub, I got here really early. Mr smile is in his car in the carpark. Why doesn't he come in?

@StealthNinjaMum Perhaps he's waiting for you outside so you can go in together? Have you messaged him?

I've just started a new thread...my first one. Sorry if the title has been used before but it hasn't on my time here!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3604484-Dating-thread-161-Can-anybody-find-me-somebody-to-love