DP ‘entitled’ to have a night away from his family

[30ishiwish]

DP asked me a while ago to go and watch a band I don’t like in a city 30 miles away. I said no. He booked tickets and a hotel room regardless.

Fast forward six months. Our children do not want to spend the night with a babysitter(not that I ever wanted to watch this band in the first place) and he is going alone. I work full time, our children do not sleep. Ever.

AIBU to not want him to leave me and our two DC mid afternoon on Saturday to go and stay in a hotel over night after watching the gig when he could drive home? He said he is entitled to have a night away.

Background information: Dp works shifts so I spend a lot of time with our two DC alone and I bend over backwards to ensure that the time we do spend together is enjoyable. I’m shattered. He has never, in the 10 years we have been together, taken me away, booked a romantic weekend etc yet he can book tickets for football and music and even a hotel room. Feeling miserable and taken for granted.

There’s two issues here.

1 - is he entitled to a night away? Yes of course, as are you if you want one. If he’s out at the gig anyway, does it really matter if he sleeps at home or not as he wouldn’t get get home til the kids are fast asleep anyway so failing to see how that makes a difference to you,

2 - is he considerate enough of the load you take on due to his shift work and do you feel appreciated? That’s the bigger problem but by focusing on the night away (which you’re being U about), he can tell himself you’re being unreasonable, as you’re picking the wrong battle!

I think he sounds like a selfish prick - dipping in and out of family life as and when it suits him.
A parent doesn't have a right to swan off and please themselves, when it means leaving their partner with all the childcare responsibility. Children are a 24/7 responsibility but he seems to do as he pleases and everything else is for the OP to resolve. Not all kids can be left with babysitters. My DD would be very stressed out by being left with anyone other than her GPS and aunty, but not everyone has family they can rely on for babysitting.

He hasn't even booked something nice for the OP - he's booked what he wanted and basically told her to take it or leave it. And what sort of selfish cunt books annual leave and doesn't even think about school holidays?

I say ltb - you are effectively a single parent anyway!

Since you've explained things a bit more, I understand why you are upset. How do so many of these men manage to get out of doing fuck all at home?

Is it possible for him to stop the shift work and work different hours that would be more convenient to you and taking care of his own DC?

I think the DC would be fine with a babysitter overnight even if they aren't sleeping right. You could just provide some fun kid movies, let the babysitter know they are likely to stay up all night and then they can stay up and watch movies.

I get it OP. He's booked something he wants to do and expected you to tag along. This is not an a trip for the two of you, it's for him-and so why would you waste a babysitting credit on it. He is seeing this band two otter times in a 12 month period so it's not like it's a one off. He is being a selfish arse who CBA to do something for you.

This with bells on.

Why is it unreasonable not to want to go on something you haven't been consulted about when it is also known the OP doesn't even like the band?

I'm aware it's only part of a bigger issue though.

Having this latest 'straw' OP, how many more till the camel's back is broken?

What do you really want for your future?

He is incredibly selfish and because I always put everyone else first, it seems to allow him to do whatever he likes because I always pick up the pieces and fill the gaps.

Can you see why some posters might think you are a martyr?

From your updates it is clear you have posted about the tip of the iceberg, rather than the iceberg itself, hence the unsympathetic responses.

I had a friend like you. Apologies if there are scant similarities but she had three DC, two of which had (very different) SEN. Her DH was very good looking and charismatic and convinced her she was really lucky to have him. He hardly worked (self employed hobby losing vast amounts of money) and withdrew from her emotionally more and more. She was frantically trying to "keep him" whilst he destroyed their family.

It was only when he left her (to shack up with his cousin) that she realised life was actually easier without him. The DC settled down a bit, she got a break because he took the DC some of the time. She had a much nicer life.

You come across as feeling really unvalued. Can you take assertiveness classes?

Being a martyr is a complex thing, IMO it really means IRL that you don’t ever address things and just keep doing the same things hoping someone will notice and/or change but silently seethe over them and then have a meltdown, but then nothing still really changes. Putting everyone else first may seem like you are being a good person but never being heard or understood by anyone is a damaging side effect

My DM is very much like this and had a very unhappy marriage and most of this was my DF’s fault for being an asshole but also my DM being a martyr was why it dragged on for 25 years.

Breaking out of this mindset will release you

Ok everyone - lay off.

Thanks, but we’re all adults and don’t need someone playing youth club leader.

I have been in a very similar sitch with my exh going away when I was pregnant and disabled in a half unpacked new house with no curtains up!
He went anyway and I look back on some of my behaviour and now I can’t believe how much I tried to control him and keep him at my side. In that scenario he could have made more effort to ensure I was comfortable and he did a bit.... but in your situation I think you should just let him go.
Objectively, put yourself in his shoes, he works long hours, shifts and has booked this break for both of you and you don’t want to go.
Have a talk about what you can do in future for both of you to have some fun. If you really can’t leave your kids with someone else overnight then arrange for you both to have separate things to look forward to.
Life’s short, you need to enjoy it and if his way of enjoying it is following a band he loves then allow it, with reason and compromise. Find what you love and make sure he allows you time to do it too. Freedom will make you both happier.

Lol @ he needing your 'permission' to do something. Just go away yourself sometime.

dh and me regulary have time away as we have different interests and friends. its nice to just "be"

We do this too. He is going to a music festival this Saturday (but he'll come back home after) and I am meeting a friend for dinner next week.
As long as you can both do it I don't see the problem. Also, he asked you to go with him...

OP-I relate to the straw that broke the camels back feeling. (I posted earlier but realise you have had a million replies)!
I had my lightbulb moment when my ex did something similar which was so nakedly selfish that there was no way of justifying it as anything other than him being a twat. In a long term relationship this behaviour can creep up on you slowly, one night out/bike ride etc etc at a time.
I got called a martyr as well which is really unfair and victim blaming. I was the one holding shit together while he fucked about with hobbies and acting like a man child why wouldn't anyone be pissed off?
The keyboard warriors will tell you to take time off for yourself to go away with friends but that's not the point! You want your partner to actively want to spend time with you doing things you both enjoy, not to drag you along to stuff you aren't interested in, or to alternate parenting on weekends.
Unfortunately my ex never changed and between that and other problems we eventually split.

And PS re being a martyr-I tried everything-asking nicely, being reasonable, having a family calendar, shouting and screaming. Nothing worked so yes I ended up being resentful and bitter because I got told "all men are like that" and that I had to put up with it.
My X was highly manipulative and controlling and made it all my fault that I was angry and bitter despite the fact he was doing fuck all. This is what these men do, so don't victim blame by calling the woman a martyr.

That’s not what calling someone a martyr is about. It’s not victim blaming

It’s about empowering you to stop waiting for someone else to ‘get it’ (ie DH to have an epiphany) and take back control of your own life

I absolutely HATE the word "entitled".

When people claim that they are "entitled" to do something, it generally means they are selfish and think only of themselves.

You're unfairly getting a hard time as ordinarily in a regular relationship, why wouldn't either one of you be able to have a night away??

But it does sound like you're doing everything and he's a useless lump (sorry).

Time for some big decisions. Sometimes it's something fairly small to open the box of all the stifled issues from over the years.

Wishing you the very best, be strong x

So just to confirm you had a chance to a night off, declined it and are now complaining that he is going and you are not? Why dont you book something you want to do and if he doesnt want to join you then go on your own.

'our children do not sleep. Ever.'
don't put rubbish like this on, it is obviously a lie used to illicit sympathy. If it is true I would call the Guinness Book of records!!!

Sometimes I tag along for things DH wants to do regardless of whether it’s my cup of tea and sometimes I book things that DH doesn’t like doing, but he’ll put a smile on his face and participate. Occasionally we have to make an effort for each other.

You sound like you make life hard for yourself as far as the kids are concerned. They’d soon get used to the babysit and would probably actually sleep for them.

I’d have gone to the gig and enjoyed the hotel. Then I’d have booked something of my choice for DH and I to do.

You didn't want to go so he's going alone and staying over. As an adult he doesn't need permission.

We don't share the same music taste but would have no issues with either doing similar alone or with friends.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Have you read anything since the first post?

I do think OP, having read most of the thread, that you need to properly have this out with him. Yes, everyone is entitled to time off, my DH and I regularly have nights out with and without each other. However, if you are both working full time, and due to his nights you're also doing the lion's share of the wife work, child care, house stuff, then he does need to get his head out of his arse a bit and start to help you.
I don't think the night away in itself is an issue at all, but in the context of all the other stuff, he does look selfish. One of my best pals is in a similar position, both work in responsible, stressful jobs, yet her husband who is away all week with his work absolutely takes the piss with his hobby at the weekend, leaving her to basically look after the kids all weekend too with minimal help. And the thing that baffles me is that she doesn't tackle him on it most of the time, yet she's seriously unhappy.

Wishing you the best and hope you can get sorted.

Don't see this as a bad thing as such. Call it one in the bank and plan yourself a lovely evening away/out.

If he is entitled to one then so are you!

Are you sure he wanted children in the first place?

our children do not sleep. Ever.'
don't put rubbish like this on, it is obviously a lie used to illicit sympathy. If it is true I would call the Guinness Book of records!!!

My son slept for 20 minutes at a time for the first six months, then an hour at a time until he was 15 months. If you'd said this to me at the time I probably would have lost my shit. If you haven't had a child who doesn't sleep well, it's really really irritating when sweeping statements like that are made!

^Lisbon is right. If you've had goodish sleepers you cannot comprehend the exhaustion of having a child that wakes every hour or 2. It takes me about 40mins to drift to sleep and I'd just starting to enjoy it when she would wake again. This went on til she was over a year old. The constant up down up down is almost worse than just staying awake all night. Every night. For a year. I hear you OP.