DP ‘entitled’ to have a night away from his family

[30ishiwish]

DP asked me a while ago to go and watch a band I don’t like in a city 30 miles away. I said no. He booked tickets and a hotel room regardless.

Fast forward six months. Our children do not want to spend the night with a babysitter(not that I ever wanted to watch this band in the first place) and he is going alone. I work full time, our children do not sleep. Ever.

AIBU to not want him to leave me and our two DC mid afternoon on Saturday to go and stay in a hotel over night after watching the gig when he could drive home? He said he is entitled to have a night away.

Background information: Dp works shifts so I spend a lot of time with our two DC alone and I bend over backwards to ensure that the time we do spend together is enjoyable. I’m shattered. He has never, in the 10 years we have been together, taken me away, booked a romantic weekend etc yet he can book tickets for football and music and even a hotel room. Feeling miserable and taken for granted.

Sorry, I started my last post and didn’t see the last few messages until I posted.

spreadingchestnuttree and thegreatcrestednewt thank you x

There are some real issues you need to focus on here. The reasons you are getting so many YABUs is because in a normal, loving, equal relationship this would not be a massive issue at all.

What does he bring to the relationship? If you got divorced, you'd actually get a break once in a while and he'd have to do some (limited) parenting. Think about that for a minute.

He is incredibly selfish and because I always put everyone else first, it seems to allow him to do whatever he likes because I always pick up the pieces and fill the gaps.
so why do you keep doing it?

I say good for him! It'll do him good. You should have a night away too.

Your latest posts show this isn’t a partnership. I can’t believe he books his leave without talking to you first - I’d expect you to sit down together and work out how you’re covering the school holidays between you. Maybe leaving each person two days of free annual leave to do as they like.

How can it be outing to state the age of your DC ? You don’t have to give their dates of birth ! Your reluctance to follow so suggests to me they are not tots .

*reluctance to do so

It's not outing @Oldbutstillgotit it's the oldest go to in MN to avoid questions.

I had the option and declined. I didn’t agree to spend yet another weekend alone.

You must see this is absolutely crackers? He offered it out and you actively chose to decline this. He’s not there to be your court jester. Why don’t you do things off of your own back? Things you like?

I don’t think he could win, whatever he did. YABVU

I totally agree with Notonthestairs

"He can have a night away, so can you (together or separately).
It's not really about the night away though is it?"

I think it sounds like you need some help there to make things work better.

We're moving this thread to the 'Relationships' section at the OP's request

I get it OP. He's booked something he wants to do and expected you to tag along. This is not an a trip for the two of you, it's for him-and so why would you waste a babysitting credit on it. He is seeing this band two otter times in a 12 month period so it's not like it's a one off. He is being a selfish arse who CBA to do something for you.
This 100%, the only mistake you've made Op is posting in AIBU

I think you've possibly had some harsh responses here, because in a fair and equitable partnership and a family with children in standard sleep patterns, it'd be entirely reasonable for someone to have a night at a hotel after an evening out, so they didn't have a long drive home at night.

However, this isn't a one-off break for your partner. It's yet another thing in a long line of events that he's chosen to do for himself, giving no thought whatsoever to childcare and family logistics.

I don't think the booking of annual leave was an accident, by the way.

You sound exhausted, both by your physical tiredness and by the mental strain of dealing with literally everything .

OP I think you should seriously consider the future of your relationship-your husband sounds horrible! I'd let him know on his return home that unless he stops being so damn selfish you're considering a divorce and let him know how 50-50 custody would cut into HIS leisure time

Yes he's entitled to have a night away but I absolutely understand where you're coming from.

The issue isn't him having a night away but more that you don't feel supported?

You're also entitled to a night away... id book myself into a hotel for the night too

if the other things you mentioned were in balance would you feel this way

OH has been away at times overseas with friends did some trips as part of sailing around the world trip. It was a bit lonely but honestly easier in some ways I did not have to cook for him, could eat with the children, read, watch what I wanted on television, and the whole bed to myself. I went to Tenerife with the girls for a week while he looked after the children.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder in his case, he really missed us after the first few days. I have girlfriends who go to concerts with certain bands and have a night away. That is not my thing but they enjoy it. Organise a trip away for yourself and a friend, it is fun.

He is incredibly selfish and because I always put everyone else first, it seems to allow him to do whatever he likes because I always pick up the pieces and fill the gaps.

Well with greatest respect you don't have to always put everyone first, you are choosing to do it. Stepping back a bit and not always putting everyone first won't harm anyone and its good to also put yourself first too.

Sure you don't like the ban but you could of gone, had pre drinks and a dinner with him, he could of gone to see the band you could of taken the opportunity to have a night off kids and from work etc. see a movie, long bath, pamper at the hotel, read a book whatever you enjoy to relax. Then when he came back had a nice romantic night and long lie in in the morning.

If your not happy with his shift work then sit down and have that disucssion tel him how its impacting on 'family' life and see if there is an option to start looking at a new job or changing hours etc. especially if your bringing in more money. Also why can't you leave him some tasks to pick up when he is at home during the day and if he hasn't done in the past again another conversation to say that has to change.

As adults you should be able to continue to enjoy your hobbies reasonably, 3 times in a year to see a favourite band is really nothing much.

"Add in to this that he booked his annual leave without looking at the dc’s school holiday list or my annual leave (booked around the dc’s holiday pattern) we have very little time off together."

It sounds like he is doing his own thing and leaving you with the bulk of the work.

"I organise/do everything - birthdays, Christmas, bills, house, doctors, cars, decorating, holidays, days out, school, xyz, hobbies, grandparents , you name it, I do it. I also earn far more than dp."

I think these are the issues to bring up with him.

OP he sounds pretty useless. Your posts have an air of resignedness about them which is just so sad.

You desperately need a break and he will have to step up. I think desperate measures are needed now. He’s getting away with being useless because you sound like you are constantly firefighting and you don’t have the energy to deal with him.

Spot on MissClareRemembers "He’s getting away with being useless because you sound like you are constantly firefighting and you don’t have the energy to deal with him." I think this sums it up.

I cannot believe the replies on here. Of course he wouldnt be unreasonable to go away if he was an equal partner and parent. But he isnt. He gives you nothing.

Sadly, indont see this improving. If you did ask him to leave, his work pattern is not going to allow you any doen time either.

I think you need to discuss the real issues in the marriage and express your feelings.

Him booking leave without discussion isn't good enough. The children are not just your responsibility and his behaviour is clearly causing resentment.

Try if you can, to discuss it calmly without losing your temper. I know it's not easy.

I also see how inviting you to a band you don't like is just a tick box exercise. I don't suppose he was actually going to arrange the babysitter either was he?

You said you can't get time off... can your bot take just 1 or 2 days leave...go off to a spa a d leave him with the kids during the week when he's off?

You've made it easy for him...and he sounds like a bit if a piss taker tbh.

I'm really surprised at the replies. I know AIBU (where the thread started) can be a bear garden but it's as if people just haven't read the OP. The problem isn't the concert or the night away, it's the complete lack of consultation, or consideration for the OP's opinion or feelings, and the lack of balance - a night away is fine if it's to see his favourite band (again) but not for a romantic getaway or anything she'd like to do? I'm totally with you, OP. I would take a very dim view of this arrangement and of the set-up generally tbh. I think you need a wholesale rethink of things and he needs to start meeting you halfway.

I think the title and OP threw people a little because it focuses on the concert and that isn't the real issue.

He booked something for you both. You don't want to go, so he's not allowed to? That's entirely unfair. Imagine of a woman was posting this.

"I bought tickets for my favourite band,and a night away with my partner six months ago. Now he doesn't want to go, and says that I'm not allowed to either"